It’s been said that life can be like a merry-go-round: enjoyable, safe, predictable. Or it can be like a roller coaster: up and down, fast and slow, whipping through turns that make your eyes water. My life certainly has not been a merry-go-round.
Some cultures look at life as being divided into thirds. For me the first third was developing a passion for music and becoming a professional musician. The second third was maturing in a way that allowed me to take ownership of my career and life. And the third third? Well, that’s what is ahead of me in a few years and what I’m preparing for now. Almost certainly it will involve the end of constant touring and living in a tour bus. Does that mean the end of Tesla? Of course not. The band can easily go on without me on stage. But all the rest of the necessary tasks? I don’t know if they could deal with what I do. Jimmy Dean could handle some of it. Phil Collen can run recording sessions; he’s proven that. But the hardcore negotiations, the business relationships, the truth-telling? If Mike Kobayashi was not involved, someone would have to step up. I really don’t know.
Soulmotor will live on as a partnership between Darin and me. We have a good thing going that I can easily control, and we can play live or not, as much or as little as we want.
I’m lucky in that I have gotten to see the world. I’ve been pretty much around the planet, but there are some places I haven’t been that I’d like to go. Never went to or played in Russia; I’d like to go there, St. Petersburg, see the Hermitage museum, see all the art, all the palaces. That will probably happen, but I don’t know if Tesla will get the chance to go. I think I’ll go on my own. I went on my own to a lot of places that Tesla hasn’t played: Bangkok, Vietnam, Burma. I haven’t been to Singapore, but I’ve been to Hong Kong. I need to go to Shanghai. I’ve been to Dubai. Tesla played Australia, but I didn’t get to hang out much. It didn’t really feel like a foreign country to me. It kind of reminded me of Los Angeles. Melbourne had more of a European feel to it. I hear Christchurch in New Zealand has an English feel.
I like to go places where you feel like you’re in a different country. Burma was that way; it was a trippy place to be. I was in the capital city, Rangoon, and shot some really cool pictures of temples with Ross. In Vietnam I went to Ho Chi Minh City, which used to be Saigon. That was very interesting, very cool. I went to Havana before it was legal. I snuck in. That was fucking cool, lots of old cars. I want to go to Morocco and Kashmir. I have no desire really to go to the rest of India or the Middle East. It just doesn’t speak to me, but I’d like to go to parts of Africa. I really want to go to Russia. You can do the Chernobyl tour if you go to Ukraine, but I don’t want to get nuked.
I’ll never retire. As Douglas MacArthur said about old soldiers, I’ll just fade away. I love old George Patton, but I hope I don’t go out like he did, in a car accident. I have a compulsion to stay busy and vital. At the same time, I dearly love being able to just fly off to Tuscany and shut down. In the future I’ll have more freedom to do that whenever I want. Or just tool around the peaceful Baird compound.
When I say I, I really mean we because my wife is my life partner and my best friend. Living in the shadow of my career has not always been easy for her. And I’m not that easy to handle, even if I had never achieved the success I have. I might have been the most temperamental accountant you ever met! So that’s the deal. What else can I tell you? That’s my life. I’m really proud of my band. I’m really happy I met my wife, and I love what our dogs bring to us in terms of loyalty and unconditional love. And I will always work my ass off no matter what. That’s what has always defined my band and me. We work our asses off. We are blue-collar. That’s the defining quality of Tesla, a work ethic that never stops. If you can bring the kick-ass work ethic, I will give you a chance. Look, life can be hard. In my situation, I deal with a lot of ailments and things that could really slow me down or worse. There have been times when I thought about ending it all, but I fight back because I believe in myself, and I believe in working hard. There’s always something else to do. Whether it’s music, photography or painting…. There’s always something to do. Maybe it’s a new house I’m looking at. As long as I feel like I have things to keep me busy, I will have a good life. If you suffer from any kind of mental disorder like depression, bipolar, general anxiety, anything, there is no shame in that. It’s just another something to deal with, and it can be dealt with. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. You can get past it. Find yourself a good therapist. Figure out who your good friends and family are. Don’t be afraid to lean on them. The social media age we live in makes it very hard to cope with a lot of this shit. I’ve seen myself get attacked by fans goofing on the fact that I look overweight, which oftentimes is because of medications I’m taking for one thing or another. I would love to tell you it doesn’t matter, but you know what? It’s fucking brutal. We are all human beings, and we all have feelings. Social media makes it so easy to demean somebody and shame them in ways that were never possible before. There are so many cruel people out there who hide behind their computer and just love taking shots at people. If you have an anxiety disorder like I have, it makes it that much worse. Listen to me, especially those of you going through things like I am: you are stronger than they are. Don’t let them get you. Walk away from the computer and go focus on a project that will make your life better. Don’t ever let a bully get to you. They’re just fucking cowards. When I stand on stage and look out at the crowd, which I’m sure includes many of you reading right now, I think, Wow, I’m just one of them. I am just the lucky guy who gets to be up here. If I can leave you with anything right now, I just want you to believe in yourself. I want you to take advantage of any resource that you can to help yourself feel better. Once again, I’m a great believer in the power of therapy. It hurts my heart to read the news every day and see how suicides are on the rise when I know one of the primary reasons is bullying. You just have to hang in there. I am living proof that you can get through all kinds of bullshit and realize dreams that border on fantasy. You can do this. I promise you can do this. We’re all joined in this crazy mess together. I wish all of you the peace and strength you need to get through another day. And thanks very much for reading my book.
Ciao!
PS: At the beginning of this book, I described the scene with Chris Cornell, driving around with him during the photo shoot and then how strange it was to learn he committed suicide. After the first draft of this book was completed, while we were on the road with Def Leppard, I felt the depression creep up in Canada. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I knew it was getting bad because of how much I wanted to sleep. That’s all I wanted to do was stay in that coffin of a bunk on the tour bus. I never wanted to get up. Like a dark claw, the feeling just kept creeping over me every day. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t good, and I knew it was something more intense than anything I’d felt before. I’ve experienced general anxiety many times in my life, but I’d never really felt suicidal. But up in Canada, all of a sudden, the idea was at least on the table. I’m not saying I was ready to end my life, but again, I could see the idea developing right in front of me, and I didn’t like it one bit. I got help. I spoke to a professional. There are too many stories today about people taking the hard way out and ending things. If you are reading this right now, I want to stress once more that you’re not alone. There is help, and you can get it immediately. I know talking logic and sense doesn’t always make sense because for those of us who experience these feelings, it’s all very illogical. We know it’s not good to think about killing ourselves. But it doesn’t matter. The feeling is there anyway. Someone making a positive reinforcement speech to you is not always what you need to hear. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. And then we can start sorting the problems. I think back to that tour up in Canada all the time, and it’s still really scary. Again, that was the first time I ever really thought about maybe creating an end for myself. But I got the right help, and I’m feeling a lot better today. I’m going to include some numbers here at the end of my book that you can use in case you need help. Please remember, you are not alone.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741