ell?” I said. I’d gone outside. My mom had followed. Now the two of us were standing in the backyard. The only sound, other than my question, was the tinkling of water over the infinity edge in the pool. “Why are you here?” I asked.

My mom caught my gaze and held it. “You’re not allowed to hate me.” She softened the declaration with a small, lopsided smile. “I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided. I love you too much. You’re not allowed to hate me.”

She’d never had any trouble telling me that she loved me. Even when she was barely more than a kid herself, even when our little family was struggling—I had always known that I was loved.

“Am I allowed to be upset that you lied to me?” I asked. I didn’t want to feel like my throat had turned to sandpaper. I didn’t trust the sting in my eyes.

“You could be,” my mom offered. “You could be extremely upset with me—or you could forget about that for a minute and tell me what happened at Regal Lake.”

That brought me up short, and for a moment, I let myself really wonder if Campbell was onto something. If the body was Ana.

“You heard about the body?” I asked.

“I’ve been calling Lillian every week. To check on you.” My mom and Lillian had issues. I had the sense I was supposed to take those phone calls as some kind of grand gesture, but it fell flat.

“Lillian said you girls were the ones who found the body.” My mom reached out to touch my shoulder. “That couldn’t have been fun, Sawyer.”

I stepped back from her touch. “Campbell thinks it might be Ana.”

Whatever she’d been expecting from me, it wasn’t that. She stared at me. When her response did come, it was only two words. “My Ana?”

I hadn’t realized until that second that as ill-conceived and ridiculous as the pact was, it meant something to her. Ana meant something to her. Once upon a time, Greer had, too.

“Her family hasn’t heard from her in twenty years,” I said, feeling the weight of that more strongly now than I had when Victoria had told me.

“If she wasn’t with her family…” My mom looked like I’d hit her. “If she didn’t leave town with them, why didn’t she come to me?”

“Did she know where you were?” I asked. “Where you went when you got kicked out?”

“No.” My mom’s hand went to her stomach, like she was pregnant still. “I had to leave town so fast—but she had my number. When Greer lost her baby, Ana and I agreed to tell our parents we were pregnant. We picked a night. I told Lillian. You know how that went.” She shook her head. “I called Ana afterward, but her phone was disconnected. I went by her house—her entire family was gone. They just…moved. Her grandfather was some big deal in Dallas. I always assumed Ana’s parents went back home. Ana, too.”

Not Ana.

“She never got in touch with me, Sawyer.” My mom pressed her lips together. “Why would you think that body is hers?”

I don’t think that, I told myself. Campbell does.

“Davis Ames knew Ana was pregnant,” I said out loud. I swallowed. “He told me that he handled the situation.” Looking back, that conversation sounded even worse.

“Not the kind of thing he’d tell anyone if he’d killed her,” my mom pointed out, sounding incredulous and overwrought and, somehow, like she was about to start cracking jokes.

“That wasn’t what I thought he meant, either,” I said.

My mom got very quiet. “Ana wouldn’t have gotten an abortion, if that’s what you’re implying. She wanted that baby. She loved her.”

The way you loved me. I couldn’t keep that from hurting, but I didn’t let myself dwell on it. “Ana’s baby was a girl?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” my mom admitted. “I was further along than she was. It took Ana longer to get pregnant.”

I wondered how many times she’d slept with Campbell’s father. I wondered if she’d loved him. But my mom was still talking, so I didn’t ask.

“Ana didn’t know she was having a girl. The baby could have been a boy, I suppose.” There was something almost wistful in her expression. “We just always imagined having girls.”

I had to turn away, then, from the reminder that my mom had wanted me. She’d imagined me. Hell, she’d practically willed me into being. She’d imagined me being a girl. She’d imagined having a person who would always love her, no matter what.

I love you too much. You’re not allowed to hate me.

I walked away. I didn’t go far, just a few steps closer to the pool, but that was enough that when I turned back to face my mom, I could see past her into the Great Room. Through the massive, floor-to-ceiling windows, I could see Greer opening presents. As I watched, she picked up a white package adorned with a pale blue bow.

“Do you think Greer knows anything?” I asked. “About what happened to Ana?” It was easier to talk about that, to tell myself that I was doing this for Campbell as much as for myself.

“No,” my mom said. “She wouldn’t have. Ana and I tried to support her when she lost her baby, but she wasn’t even sad. She told us we were on our own, that she didn’t need us anymore….”

And now she’s having a fake baby shower for a fake baby.

“Are you ever going to forgive me, Sawyer?”

It would have been easier if the raw emotion in my mom’s voice didn’t sound so much like everything I’d been feeling myself.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about her. I breathed in and held the breath. Think about Davis Ames. Think about the fact that he’s the one throwing the fund-raiser Nick needs an escort to. Think about the fact that the old man “handled” the situation with Ana.

Think about the fact that he may have been the last person who saw her alive.

I let out a breath and walked past my mom toward the house. I answered her question but didn’t turn around. “I don’t know.”