My body and hair are squeaky clean. My jeans and shirt are freshly laundered. The soiled clothes are in the washer.
Still, I feel dirty.
Like my reflection earlier that showed on the outside what I am on the inside.
Did I really tell Ashley not to bother coming back?
I did. I regret it, yes, but in all honesty, she’s better off not coming back.
It’s time for me to think about her instead of myself. It’s time for me to stop being self-absorbed.
So my father sold me into slavery when I was ten. So half of my Syrah vines are lost.
God knows I’ve been through worse.
All thanks to the man who sired me.
“Fuck!” I say out loud, grabbing at my wet strands of hair.
I’ve been through so much worse than losing my beautiful vines. All of which could have been avoided but for Floyd Jolly. “Fuck it all!”
“Yes,” says the voice that’s sweeter than honey. “Fuck it all.”
I turn. Ashley is in the kitchen, having let herself in. Penny pants at her heels.
“You’re back,” I say.
“I am.” She walks toward me. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
“Even though I told you not to bother coming back?”
“Especially because you told me not to bother coming back.”
I scoff. “You’re the one who left.”
“I did. It was a mistake, and I own it.”
“Why did you, then?”
“Because you told me not to. Because you were being a dick.” She shakes her head. “No. Dick is too tame a word. You were being a prick, Dale. An asshole. A—”
I hold up my hand to stop her words. “I get it.”
“Now,” she says, “none of that negates what you’ve been through. Getting caught in a fire that destroyed something you love so dearly. And then the death of your father.”
“Not my father,” I say adamantly.
“Okay. Not your father. I get that. But his death affected you. It’s obvious.”
I scoff. “I’m glad the fucker’s dead.”
She cocks her head and wrinkles her forehead. “Oh? Then why—”
“I’m not talking about my birth father. I’m never talking about him again.”
“All right. We don’t have to talk, Dale. Not now, anyway. But I’m here when you’re ready.”
“Trust me, Ashley. I’ll never be ready.”
She smiles. “That’s fine too, then. No pressure. But there is one thing…”
“Of course there is. What?”
She smiles triumphantly. “You promised me these two months, until the end of my internship, that we could be together.”
I shake my head. “A lot has happened since I made that promise.”
“I don’t recall the promise having any conditions.”
“Ash…”
“You love me.”
I can’t deny it. “I do.”
“And I love you. Nothing has changed.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Everything has changed.”
“You lost part of the Syrah.”
“That’s huge to me.”
“I know.” She closes the distance between us, looking up to meet my gaze, only a couple inches separating our bodies. “It’s huge to me too.”
“Not the same.”
“You’re thinking I don’t have the relationship with those vines like you do, and you’re right. When I say it’s huge to me too, I mean because it’s huge to you. Anything that’s important to you is also important to me, because I love you.”
Fuck. “You’re not making this easy.”
In fact, telling her not to bother coming back was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I told her she wasn’t going anywhere. It was her decision to leave.
“Dale…” She parts her lips. They’re glossy and pink, so ready for a kiss… “Very few things in life are ever easy.”
Don’t I know it. Nothing is easy. Nothing has ever been easy.
“But the things that matter most, that are worth the most,” she continues, “shouldn’t be easy. If they’re too easy, we take them for granted. It’s human nature.”
I stare into her vivid blue eyes. They’re bloodshot, and her eyelids are swollen. She’s been crying, and I only now notice.
Self-absorbed.
I am self-absorbed. My sweet Ashley was crying, and I wasn’t there to help her.
Damn it. She was crying over me.
I trail a finger from her temple down over her cheek, tracing the path her tears must have followed. She closes her eyes at my touch.
“Hey,” I say.
She opens her eyes.
“I’m sorry. For making you cry.”
“You didn’t,” she says. “It was all me. I have control over how things affect me.”
“But I—”
She turns her head slightly, and her lips graze the palm of my hand. “You do affect me, Dale. I love you, so it’s impossible for you not to. But I made the choice to leave when you told me not to go. I shouldn’t have. I’m not a quitter, and I’m here to make sure you’re not one either.”
“I’ve never quit anything,” I say. True words.
“Haven’t you? You already said you’re not going to the family meeting tonight.”
“Maybe I changed my mind.”
She smiles. “I hope so. Did you know Donny and Dee are driving home right now?”
I shake my head.
“Bree too. And your other cousins are coming home from school. Apparently everyone will be here. This is that big of a deal.”
“Of course it’s a big deal.”
“My point,” she says, “is that you should be there.”
“Didn’t I just say that maybe I changed my mind?”
She closes the last few inches between us and wraps her arms around my neck. “Did you?”
“No. A family meeting is the last thing I want to do tonight.”
“This isn’t just your loss, Dale. It’s Ryan’s. It’s Talon’s. It’s everyone’s. The fire hit the orchard too. Did you know that?”
Fuck. No, I didn’t. I really am self-absorbed. “I’m sorry. Is my dad okay?”
“I don’t know, but he’s strong.”
“Damn.” I rake my fingers through my still-damp hair.
“My point is that it affects everyone, not just you.”
“I know that.”
“Do you? Because I think you do, at least objectively. Subjectively is a different matter.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Nothing I haven’t heard from Aunt Mel a million times over the years.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Ashley mocks me. “Maybe it’s time to think about someone other than yourself.”
I can’t fault her logic. She’s right. The fact is that I’m not self-absorbed. Not really. Sure, I take things hard sometimes. Who wouldn’t, with my background? But in the end, I always put those I love before myself.
Except not always.
Not that one time…
That lone memory that I’ve buried so deep in hopes that it never surfaces.
But already, I feel the walls around it crumbling…
Crumbling, because of the emotion I’ve allowed inside.
The emotion Ashley emboldened in me.
The love.
And with the love comes…
Everything.