Biomechanics of a Communist finale

Finished, the petrol receipts for his Mercedes paid by the Party, finished too the way that Béla used to decree that the perfume worn by the men watching him stank, demanding from friends at the top that they be got rid of, I choose my security people myself, Comrades, keep your flowery poofs away from me. This morning at Moscow airport Béla is quiet. He climbs into the plane for Bucharest without a curse, couldn’t care less about his squirrels. They return home. At the end of the day he is called to the Central Bureau. He is always called in when he returns from abroad, he has to explain to them why he hasn’t won gold, for example, or why he has taken his girls to the ballet or a museum without permission, stupid harassment, mere details. Complaints his old friend Ilie V. whisks away humorously, opening his brown briefcase. ‘Go on, throw it all in there, I’ll bring it back tomorrow morning, washed and ironed!’ Ilie, member of the Political Executive Committee and the Central Committee, deputy prime minster from 1978 to 1979, prime minster until the day before yesterday.

Did he call them the ‘corrupt games’ on the ABC network? Wasn’t he supposed to bring back an Olympic title per team? Is Béla losing it? Nadia made two mistakes on the beam and here he is talking about a Russian plot! The truth is they’re a team of losers, bad losers. And what about the American press, those dreadful photos of starving gymnasts at Fort Worth, what are they going to conclude in the West, that they don’t eat properly in Romania? What about those jokes recorded during a phone conversation on 7 February 1978, when Béla mocked the demonstrations in honour of the Comrade in an ‘overt, vulgar’ manner?

Béla asks for a glass of water while they continue to list their complaints; never before has he had to beg for a glass of water, With this heat, thirty-eight degrees, it’s as hot as the arsehole of a Russian cow in here, Comrades, but they don’t laugh, merely look at each other as if his words confirmed a diagnosis. And they keep him there, happy he is so uncomfortable, almost contrite without his ‘protector’ Ilie V., who has just been sacked from his post on the orders of the Most Renowned Scientist in the country.

End of story, end of the adventure, there is only one date left: 1981. The year when the Conducător decides that sport should no longer be an activity reserved for an elite (a ‘Fairy’?) adored by Westerners. The whole country is filled with young, humble working girls who run, dance, skate and jump. Let’s start rebuilding on healthy foundations and put the emphasis on popular competitions, ‘Daciads’, in which ‘Everybody can take part, provided they are the best!’ Because that’s enough of Nadia, Na-dia, NA-DI-A! Besides, immediately after the ceremony for her return from Moscow, the Comrade demanded some alcohol rub, shuddering with disgust at having brushed against Nadia’s cheek; a coating of beige cream and powder slapped on to try to disguise a spot that is nothing more than a mixture of blood and pus signifying a swirl of hormones gone haywire.

‘Too many calories!’ the Most Renowned Scientist has declared to the world. Nadia’s way of life is unhygienic. She is the image of her people: Romanians consume 3,368 calories per day, whereas the Germans only consume 3,362; it’s more than time to put into practice the ‘scientific diet programme’ that the Comrade herself has drawn up as a result of the spot incident. We’re going to teach these layabouts how to eat, because if this carries on we’ll lose all of our wonderful little girls! The weight of the women of this country, those flabby losers, makes them unsuited to living with the ‘strength and lightness’ recommended by the Most Esteemed Comrade during his latest TV appearance.

FROM 17TH OCTOBER, BREAD, FLOUR, OIL, MEAT, SUGAR AND MILK CAN ONLY BE PURCHASED ON PRESENTATION OF I.D. AND SPECIAL COUPONS. QUANTITIES AUTHORIZED PER WEEK AND PER PERSON:

MEAT: 550 GRAMS; MILK AND MILK PRODUCTS (EXCLUDING BUTTER): 1 LITRE; EGGS: FIVE; VEGETABLES: 700 GRAMS; FRUIT: 520 GRAMS; SUGAR (INCLUDING SUGARY PRODUCTS): 400 GRAMS; POTATOES: 800 GRAMS. 30% OF FOOD TO BE CONSUMED AT BREAKFAST, 50% AT LUNCH, 20% AT DINNER. IT IS UNDERSTOOD THAT THESE PROPORTIONS WILL VARY ACCORDING TO GENDER, AGE OR ACTIVITY.

Nadia is the one who sends me this list, published at the time in the Scînteia daily. She adds an explanation, ‘It was so difficult, you had to spend so much time checking on what supplies had arrived, setting the alarm for three in the morning to be the first to arrive at the shop and buy whatever you could find, most of the time you didn’t even know what you were queuing for, you simply stood in line with the others… You swapped with neighbours. My mother stockpiled food; it’s paradoxical, but in those days, people’s fridges were full. In the last years we had nothing, because Ceauşescu exported absolutely everything, so then obviously all we talked about was what we dreamed of eating… You’ll laugh, but I’ve heard that kind of obsessive talk over there in the West! All those diets, those recommendations from the Health Ministry, from magazines, they make the same lists as we had under communism! Bah, the state is always worried about what we swallow, isn’t it?