Take a look at the following checklist and spend some time nonjudgmentally witnessing yourself in your various relationships. Check the habits that you notice most commonly, and remember you may even notice that you embody different selves in different relationships or over time.
_______ When I am in a relationship, I feel a strong pull to be needed or depended on.
_______ I am often hyperaware of others’ physical needs or even try to predict what they’ll be.
_______ I feel that I am most loved when someone is reliant on me for care in some way.
_______ I am always focused on whether others think I’m good enough.
_______ I pride myself on being “the best” lover/friend/daughter/son, etc.
_______ I’m usually the first to engage with, reach out to, or show up for the other person, even if it’s not reciprocated.
_______ I tend to avoid relationships or have commitment issues.
_______ I struggle to be vulnerable or feel emotionally connected to others.
_______ I avoid criticism and any situation in which I might feel rejected or abandoned.
_______ I’m attracted to people and relationships in which the focus is solely on the other person.
_______ I feel loved or important when a person is emotionally vulnerable and needs me to be there for them.
_______ I tend to be fiercely protective of the people I’m in relationships with and take their sides or viewpoints, regardless of what they are or if I agree with them.
_______ I regularly avoid conflict in my relationships.
_______ I usually don’t address my feelings or like talking about things that might make me or others feel uncomfortable.
_______ I think the best way to deal with a stressful or upsetting situation is to pretend that everything is okay.
_______ I tend to “go with the flow” or defer to my loved ones’ needs or desires the majority of the time.
_______ When I am in a relationship, I tend to adopt the preferences of my friends or loved ones, like dressing similarly, sharing the same beliefs, pursuing the same hobbies, or changing my schedule to accommodate theirs.
_______ I agree to do things that others want me to do even if they interfere with my work, rest, or self-care.
_______ When I first meet someone, I tend to be enamored of them and view them as perfect.
_______ I often hide or change “shameful” parts of myself to try to be more like those I idealize.
_______ I overlook any flaws or issues in my loved ones and tend to focus solely on their positive aspects.
As we’ve been learning, our experience of life is shaped by and filtered through our conditioned brain. Gaining awareness of our habitual reactions and patterns empowers us to start shaping and creating the experiences we want to have instead of feeling stuck, unfulfilled, or powerless in our circumstances. This empowerment comes from an area of our brain known as the prefrontal cortex, which controls our intentional responses, along with our ability to plan, focus our attention, curb our impulses, delay gratification, predict consequences, and manage our emotional reactions.
You can begin to practice activating your prefrontal cortex by taking a moment to pause before reacting to the thoughts, feelings, and impulses that come and go throughout your day. This practice can enable you to gain awareness of your reactivity and create a space in which to choose new, more intentional responses.
The following exploratory questions and exercises can help you explore your own experiences with reactivity and responsiveness. Spend time thinking about and writing down your thoughts and feelings in a separate notebook or journal if helpful.
Take a moment to call to mind a time when you found yourself instantly or explosively reacting to an experience without giving your behavior much thought and explore the following questions:
How do you physically feel during and after this moment of reactivity?
How do you emotionally feel about yourself and any others who may be involved in this moment of reactivity?
Take a moment to call to mind a time when you experienced another’s instant and explosive reaction to an experience and explore the following questions:
How do you physically feel during and after experiencing another’s reactivity?
How do you emotionally feel about yourself and the individual who was reactive?
Take a moment to call to mind a time when you found yourself able to remain grounded in your responses or choices and explore the following questions:
How do you physically feel during and after this moment of responsiveness?
How do you emotionally feel about yourself and about any others who may be involved in this moment of responsiveness?
Remember, there are no “right” or “wrong” answers; the work to consciously change our conditioned patterns and habits begins with this self-exploration, which can be empowering in and of itself. When we’re able to gain conscious awareness of our conditioned habits, we can begin to make intentional choices within our relationships instead of constantly reacting to and re-creating our old childhood wounds. We can then curiously explore the different ways the roles we’ve played since childhood may not be serving our authentic Selves or our relationships. This work to integrate our conditioned selves helps restore our sense of safety and security, regardless of what’s happening with others in our lives. Creating safety and security for ourselves through our daily choices creates new neural pathways in our brain. Over time and with consistent repetition, these new neural pathways can become permanent and the habits associated with them instinctual.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever repeat conditioned thoughts, feelings, or reactions again or won’t feel instinctively pulled back to your familiar habits. Becoming conscious of your conditioned self or selves means that you will gain access to new choices that will better align you with who you are, who you want to be, and the people and relationship dynamics that will truly fulfill you. And as I imagine you may not be surprised to hear, it is a regulated nervous system that gives you access to these new choices. We’ll begin our journey to regulate your nervous system in the next chapter where we’ll continue to explore the life-changing practice of body consciousness.