THERE IS NO way to avoid arguing. It seems to be something most people just accept and spend very little time working on ways to improve. Arguing can be a good thing (in the long run). However, we all tend to suck at it to varying degrees, depending on our current level of insecurity, history of the subject matter, lack of sleep, etc. While we by no means have the answers for arguing successfully with our spouses, we have found a few tricks that can be helpful while navigating the confusing jungle of trying to win an argument and also trying to continue a healthy relationship with your partner.

1) There is one magic bullet that can nip any argument in the bud. If used successfully, this tactic can tell you whether this argument contains an actual issue that needs discussing or whether it’s just a fleeting moment of fussiness that should simply be pushed aside. It’s called the Porky Principle. One of you (usually the one who is less pissed off) needs to scream “Porky Pig!” as quickly as possible when the argument starts. When this is called out, you both need to take your pants off. And your underwear. But leave your tops on (i.e., the Porky Pig look). If you have a hard time taking the argument seriously with this new look of yours and your partner’s, that’s a good thing. If you laugh, that’s even better. That usually means this was a fleeting moment of fussiness. Enjoy the laughter. Let the issue go. And put your pants back on. Or, if so inclined, take your tops off and go for the makeup sex. If, however, one (or both) of you is too angry or stubborn to let go of the argument, that’s cool too. It just means you have to get into it.

2) For fuck’s sake learn how to validate the other one’s opinion before you shut them down with your own. This took us about thirty-five years to learn. It’s so simple. Yet people rarely do this. Yes, we all want to win the argument and get our way. Or defend ourselves from an attack. Whatever the case may be, listening to someone’s argument and letting them know you understand their position does nothing to diminish your own position. In fact, it only makes your position stronger. Because, if you don’t let that person know that you’ve heard them, they will continue to blast you with their argument and won’t even be able to hear yours until they have felt heard. So even if you are feeling wronged and that your significant other is in a crazed state of stupidity…hear their side, don’t interrupt, and let them know that you have heard them and understood them. Then make your case. We promise you (from years of doing this poorly) that this will expedite and improve the argument’s outcome. We all just want to be heard and understood.

3) Simple, but effective: IMPOSE A CURFEW. No serious arguments about long-term ongoing issues after bedtime. If it’s a small and timely issue, sometimes you have to get it out of the way and break this rule. But if it’s big and recurring, table that sucker until daytime when both of you are less tired and more generous with your affection. This one has saved us some major heartache.

4) This one is a little ridiculous, but it kinda works. If you’re approaching DEFCON 4 (that point where you are gridlocked and all the loving energy has left the building), it’s time for Cancer Mode. Super simple: Your significant other is dying of cancer. Not really, but imagine it. Seriously. Look them in the eyes, and before you launch your next shit-eating, passive-aggressive attack, imagine that they are on death’s door and you won’t get to be with them next week. If your imagination is halfway decent, this should provide an interesting context. The context could be as simple and terrifying as “You’re dying? Good!” If that’s the case, great! Get the divorce that is inevitable! If not (and in most cases, it is not the feeling you’ll get) this awareness may soften your urge to win the argument at all costs. It may even contextualize how important you are to each other and how much you would miss the good things about them and your relationship if they were gone. And, not to be corny, but aren’t we all going to die? Isn’t our time with the ones we love limited anyway? This isn’t a magic bullet, but it’s a nice bit of context to consider.

5) This one may be the most important. And the hardest. It’s called Fuck Love Story. If you remember, Love Story was a book published in 1970 that was made into an even more popular film due to its catchy tagline: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” We don’t know what kind of world Erich Segal was living in, but in our world this is a very dangerous motto to live by. We would venture to say the exact opposite is true. Love, for us, means always having to say you’re sorry. And we don’t mean that you need to be a pushover for love to survive. We mean that love is deeply complex; love is about being generous, thoughtful, and humble. Love is about saying “I’m sorry,” even if you desperately feel that you are one hundred percent right and have done nothing wrong. And the reason to say these words is because this is how the healing begins. This is the direct pathway back to the fun, goofy, loving energy that you both want back. And if you can somehow swallow your ego and muster these words, you are a goddamn hero. You are running into a burning building to save that last person even though you might die doing it. You are fighting the good fight, and that is what romantic love is all about.