WE WEREN’T IN the same room when we got the call that Togetherness was being canceled. Our bosses explained that there was some internal restructuring going on and that Togetherness was unfortunately caught in the crossfire. We took the high road, thanked our bosses for two great seasons, and let them off the hook for feeling so terrible about blindsiding us. And when we hung up with them, we didn’t call each other back (which we always do). I remember waiting for Jay to call. And thinking that he was probably waiting for me to call him. But neither of us did. At least not right away.

I was extremely upset at first. I was feeling all the wonderful things one feels when one gets fired. Rejection. A sense of failure. Embarrassment. Even a bit of the old “You don’t realize how good you had it with us!” And that stuck for a while. But I didn’t want to call Jay and put that on him. I didn’t know what he was feeling, and I felt like I needed to give him some space to experience whatever he wanted to feel without me putting my feelings on top of his.

The next day we got in touch and scheduled a hike. We didn’t speak for quite a while….

MARK: So. How are you feeling about it all?

JAY: Um…still pretty confused.

MARK: Yeah. Me too.

JAY: It’s like that George Carlin joke about someone burying an ax in your face. How it definitely hurts, but there’s also that cool blast of air on your brain that’s actually…actually quite nice.

(Again. Jay always good with the jokes in these situations. I will always love this about him.)

MARK: I feel it too.

JAY: You do? It’s weird. It’s like…would I have ever chosen to give up the incredible bird in hand that Togetherness was? No way. But…

MARK: But now that it’s not an option…

(Giggling. Devilish, secret giggling.)

JAY: Kinda nice to think about all that extra time we’ll have.

MARK: Maybe get life back in balance a little bit.

JAY: Take a walk? Exercise?

MARK: Play with the kids…

JAY: Or read a fucking book.

MARK: God. Yes. What are those things?

JAY: Yeah. I’m glad you’re feeling it. I was worried I was gonna be alone in this one.

MARK: Nope. I’m right there.

(It feels nice to agree. To be together on this idea. Because there is a bigger issue to be discussed. We both know it. And we both are terrified to bring it up.)

JAY: Remember last time we took this trail we were talking about me directing a movie on my own…

MARK: …and I lost my shit.

JAY: Ha! You were fine.

MARK: Whatever. I was terrified. I…I wasn’t ready to handle anything other than utter brotherly codependence.

(Jay smiles at me. It is at once funny, sweet, and sad. It occurs to me that I spend most of my time writing movies that can tee up a moment like this. Where people who love each other are about to break something new open. And are afraid it will change them forever.)

MARK: But I think that…I think that if you brought that same issue up to me today, I could handle it…better.

JAY: Yeah?

MARK: Yeah. I mean…look. You’re my big brother. I’m always going to look up to you and want to be with you in many ways. But…

(Silence.)

JAY: But maybe it’s okay if we get a little space?

MARK: Yeah. Maybe. I think that might be the cool blast of air on your brain you’re feeling.

JAY: I think so too.

(We both start to cry. But it’s a good one. It feels like a healthy one.)

MARK: I’ve been missing the way we used to be together. Summers in the nineties. Steely Dan…

JAY: Making shitty movies and covering Lionel Richie on acoustic guitars?

MARK: Yeah.

JAY: Yeah, I miss it too.

MARK: And I really don’t know how to get that back. Or if we can.

JAY: Yeah, me neither. But…I’m glad we’re talking about it.

MARK: Do you think…do you think that our working relationship has somehow hurt our relationship as brothers?

(We both consider this for a while, neither of us ready to answer that question. So we just hike the rest of the way in silence, which also feels nice.)