Benji stopped by his locker before he left school for vacation and was mildly disappointed when he saw Tina wasn’t there—she must have left already. “I probably would have seen her if it not for that idiot Deen,” he thought with a frown. In truth, there was no reason to go to the locker anyway…as was often the case, Benji didn’t take any books to any class. There was not much point in it. Since he couldn’t see anyway, he wasn’t doing any schoolwork until he got home and could put his glasses on. Not only that, no books made it easier to run if necessary. Sometimes he’d leave his books at Ricky’s or Brian’s and then scoop them up later before he went home.
But deception was unnecessary today, so he was light hearted as he proceeded to Shante’s house on his way home. He thought it was pretty cool to have a pretty girl waving at him for real, passing notes and messages from other people, sitting by him…as a matter of fact, he liked having someone to dance with at the after-school dances too—he wasn’t standing on the wall with the others, wishing they were dancing. And at the house parties, he had someone to slow dance with, and he didn’t even have to ask…she just appeared, and they’d start dancing. Ricky and Brian would be standing on the sidelines, pretending they couldn’t see him on the dance floor so they could pretend they were interested in what the other was saying. Shante looked good…REALLY good…but even though she was kind of interesting, they really didn’t have much to say to each other even though she never seemed to stop talking—it wasn’t easy convo like it was with Tina. He’d almost kissed her one time though, but it was too awkward, so Benji just kept swaying with her to Danny Pearson’s “What’s Your Sign Girl?” and holding her. When they talked on the phone…it was kind of a chore. The conversation was forced and full of “hold on” and “wait a minute” and Benji was relieved when the phone calls were over. Benji started asking Mama to say he wasn’t home sometimes…but Mama wouldn’t do it. Neither would Nikki. Benji found himself annoyed when Nikki would answer the phone and call for him loudly with fake sweetness, “Benji! It’s your girlfriend!!” In truth, Benji could not quite figure out why Shante liked him…but she was pretty, and even though she dominated their conversations, since Benji didn’t really know how to talk smooth to girls anyway, maybe that was kind of OK.
“I bet she likes me because of these,” Benji thought to himself with a smirk as he glanced admiringly at his own now flexed bicep and patted it lovingly. “I’ve been doing push-ups.”
But all of a sudden—he didn’t feel like going over there right now. The last time he’d been there, he’d sat around while Shante talked with somebody on the phone. Even now, Benji would usually do pretty much whatever Shante wanted him to do. But as his confidence grew…so did his independence. His mental independence anyway. When she was around, he still did pretty much whatever she wanted.
But she wasn’t there right now.
And he’d just decided he didn’t want to go to her house.
It wasn’t often I agreed with decisions Benji made, but this one I agreed with. Shante was not an bad person…but I sensed she and Benji were not the best combination. I didn’t like how Benji just seemed to do her bidding. She was good to give Benji experience in relationships and different types of people, but I sensed their usefulness to each other was reaching its end. I didn’t know it for a fact. But I sensed it. So I was happy to see Benji take this step.
As Benji was deciding on his next move, he looked up, and there was Topaz Marks coming toward him, smoking a cigarette, with two other guys he didn’t know. And although he didn’t know the accomplices, Benji sensed he knew what Topaz might want.
Revenge.
Benji may not have been so confident in his dealings with teenage girls, but this was a type of situation he was becoming increasingly familiar and comfortable with.
He scanned quickly for potential allies—there were none. He saw his escape route clearly so he knew where he’d run. It’d be easy as long as they didn’t surround him, so he needed to make sure that didn’t happen. He’d been jumped before, and those beatings typically didn’t last too long, but he saw Topaz had some sort of stick in his hand; as the boys approached, Benji saw it was not a stick…it was a golf club. He’d never been hit with one of those, but he’d have to make sure to stop at a far enough range where he couldn’t get hit with the club or surrounded by the boys but close enough so they would not assess him as being afraid or intimidated by them. This situation was unavoidable, but he’d only run if necessary—if they sensed fear, they would probably come after him again and again…and again…day after day. Until they got him.
He was ready.
As he approached, he noted none of the group headed toward him moved to his side or attempted to come in behind him— after a quick glance behind to ensure no extra members of the group magically materialized behind him, Benji was slightly more at ease. Once he was within hearing range, Topaz began twirling the golf club and addressed him.
“Heard you been scrappin’ with my cousins…”
Benji stopped and eyed all the group calmly but warily. It was true. He’d gotten into a fight with Topaz’s cousin Sean. They’d all been walking home in a large group, and Sean started in on him on his dark skin, a normal topic and all in fun at first. But as the boys went back and forth, Benji’s verbal retaliation enraged Sean; he chose to escalate the war of words to something physical. Benji remembered Ricky, laughing so hard, egging them on, yelling and in the middle of everything. Brian was quieter, kind of just standing there, but Benji knew he wanted it over. But because they were surrounded by excited teenagers, the fight was inevitable…and despite the heat of the moment, it wasn’t long before Benji almost felt sorry for his clearly overmatched opponent. Every time Benji knocked him down, the assembled crowd hollered, and Sean got up and charged again. It became almost comical. Then Benji saw Sean’s brother Lee ready to jump in; Benji didn’t know if Lee wanted to break it up or get in the fight. Brian and Ricky wouldn’t have allowed Lee to jump in but Benji dropped him with a single punch too just in case because Lee was standing too close to him…and Lee started crying. Both brothers got up and ran off…and Benji thought he saw tears in Sean’s eyes too.
I felt sorry for the brothers, but Benji was unconcerned. He was no bully—he hated bullies, in fact, but he was sick of being bullied himself. It was happening less and less, but still, anyone who came at him got whatever they got.
However, now…here was Topaz. Older, and with two friends. Benji was absolutely aware of the price he might now have to pay. He made note: he would tell his brothers later…Ricky too…even Brian.
Benji shrugged his shoulders and said nothing in response to Topaz’s statement. What happened next was surprising.
Topaz chuckled.
“It’s cool, it’s cool…my cousin trippin’, so you took that mother fucker to the next phase, huh?”
Topaz’s friends laughed heartily as Topaz added, “Actually…I guess you planted both of them niggas…”
Benji was smart enough not to fully join in on the laughter; he allowed himself the smallest of grins and repeated his shrug. Anything more demonstrative might have been viewed as disrespectful.
Topaz lazily stuck out his hand, Benji dapped it, and the three went on their way. Benji proceeded on; he didn’t turn around, but he listened for the telltale sound of shuffling feet alerting him the boys were launching a sneak attack from behind. No such attack was imminent, but they did stop as Topaz called out, “Check it out, though, young blood…come on by the ABC on Market…we got a gang of young brothers over there sparring and learning and shit. Archie Moore run it.”
“Bet.”
It was the only word Benji spoke during the entire encounter.
Benji knew about the ABC…it was the “Any Boy Can” center, run by boxing legend Archie Moore, a fighter who fought Rocky Marciano, Muhammad Ali and commanded respect from everyone in Southeast Dago— even the hard-cores. Benji knew they learned boxing there, but also responsibility and tutoring and a bunch of school stuff. They’d even been doing the Pledge of Allegiance one time when Benji wandered by and looked in the window. “Nah,” Benji thought almost immediately…plus he’d heard Mr. Moore was kind of a hard man with all the discipline and what not. Benji already had Pops at home; who needed all the extra stuff?
But then Benji had a thought.
He loved fighting, and he truly admired fighters. The Olympics was big a few years back, and all of Sugar Ray Leonard’s fights were on television now. Benji and his Pops watched Larry Holmes and Ken Norton fight on ABC’s Wide World of Sports, and it seemed like the whole neighborhood was watching and screaming when Muhammad Ali beat Leon Spinks in the rematch. Benji loved it— even more than watching the San Diego Chargers. But the other thing Benji considered was since he started fighting in the neighborhood, people respected him more. Look at Nick…Topaz too. Nobody was teasing any more. They weren’t calling him Doo. Even the gigantic shop teacher spoke to him calmly and respectfully when taking him out of English class. He walked with a lot more confidence now; he was unconcerned with bullies, and maybe…just maybe…that’s why Shante liked him so much. As a matter of fact, he was certain that was why. All because of fighting.
I watched Benji with some amusement. I knew he was considering it; I knew the excitement was building within him, and I knew something else. I sensed it. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen…but I knew where we were.
I got close to Benji’s ear and whispered:
“Crossroad…”
Then I watched for his reaction.
Benji wanted to get home so he could prepare his cassette player to record songs off the radio. He felt a surge of independence as he passed Shante’s street without stopping by her house like she wanted him to do. He was thinking more and more about his lockermate Tina. They were good friends, but…sometimes he wondered why weren’t they a couple? He knew she felt the connection between them at the field trip, but afterward? It was like it never happened, at least in Tina’s mind. Benji couldn’t figure it out, but one thing he knew: the more you chase girls, the more they run. Like…his girlfriend Shante. If he called her when she said to call her, sometimes she would answer, “Call me back later,” and hang up the phone so abruptly, Benji would wonder if he’d done anything wrong. But when Benji ignored her, refused her demand to change lockers or acted like he didn’t see her (he really didn’t wave back at times because his glasses weren’t on), those were the times she was much nicer and even affectionate. So his friend Tina would have to stay his friend until she decided they would be more. He couldn’t chase her. It wouldn’t work; she would just run anyway.
“Hi, Stinky.”
Benji smiled at the greeting of his older sister Angela as he walked in the door of his home. Benji often felt annoyed when Angela tried to mother him, but secretly I knew he also found comfort in it too. The oldest Frazier sibling was strong in her own way— she was quiet and smart, and Benji knew Angela and Mama often sat in the kitchen to discuss what Mama needed for the younger Frazier children, and Mama knew Angela would make sure it happened. Angela wasn’t like Nikki, who wasn’t fast but was a little boy crazy…Angela had a boyfriend, but she just didn’t care as much about hair or make-up or parties. It seemed like she only cared about school, her part- time job, and family. And the truth was, she never seemed mad, never bothered; even though she had her own boyfriend, she always took time to listen to Marcus, braid Nikki’s hair, babysit, cook, study, or do whatever was needed. And for Benji, she seemed to just know when to give him space to think or to learn and when she needed to be available to talk. Like one time Marcus came home really late from being with some girl. He was mad or upset or something and somehow…even though he didn’t say anything, Angela just knew. She came in the room and they started whispering; Benji pretended he was asleep and strained mightily to hear, but he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. They left and talked some more, but all Benji knew was in a couple days, Marcus was back to being Marcus. Benji wasn’t quite sure how she did it, but he knew it was because of Angela.
Benji settled in his room to relax and listen to the radio. Sharing a room with two brothers, it wasn’t often he could count on having the room to himself, but Sid was out playing somewhere and Marcus wasn’t home yet, so Benji took the time to just lie on the bed listening to the radio. It was still early; he figured he would just relax for a while. He was supposed to meet Shante later, so he hoped Pops would sneak him some change. He decided not to ask…easier to sneak two bucks out of his mom’s purse than to hear the inevitable lecture followed by a “no”.
Bobby Womack was on the radio now, singing a song that made this Harry Hippy guy sound like the hippest guy in the world, walking around day just singin’ and cuttin’ up; Mary Hippy was his down chick; this song was a little old but Benji liked it so he settled in to listen and thought to himself as soon as the song ended, maybe he’d get up and start recording. He reminded himself to add Bobby Womack to the list of people whose songs he wanted to record.
Then the phone rang.
“Benji!” he heard his sister calling for him.
He asked his sister, “Who is it?” He wouldn’t have bothered asking Nikki; she would just say something stupid. And he definitely wouldn’t have asked Mama; she might have started a lecture or conversation about not staying on the phone too long or something embarrassing right then and there in front of whoever it was - probably Shante. But it was Angela hollering for him and the look on her smiling face told him everything he needed to know.
It was Shante.
“What you doin’?”
“Check this out,” he began.
He ran through the story of how Deen jumped on him after school, how he had no idea what to do, didn’t care, and had no intention of doing a project.
But he’d forgotten…when Shante said “What you doin’?” she did not truly want to know what he was doing. It was just something to say before she launched into whatever came to her mind. Because she seemed wholly uninterested, and there was a noticeably uncomfortable pause before she spent the next forty-five minutes talking about what she was going to wear later, how so-and-so got on her nerves, the television show she liked, new music she heard, what time he needed to go at her house so they could walk to the party, why hadn’t he come over earlier and of course…how much she hated Tina.
Benji always smiled when she got to that part. Shante always called Tina “your little girlfriend” in a voice literally dripping with scorn and disgust. Benji used to defend her, saying, “She not my girlfriend,” but Shante would hit back with “Oh, so you gonna defend her?? Why she in your locker then?” and then angrily hang up in his face…before calling back again…and again…and again. Now Benji just let her rant, but for some reason, he still enjoyed her obvious discomfort. It was kind of funny.
He didn’t realize Angela stopped to listen outside the door from the moment she heard “Check this out.”
Angela did not think Shante was good enough for her little brother, but she kept her opinion to herself. She knew many “little fast girls” just like her—too loud, too fast, too basic, with nothing going for themselves except popularity and looks. In fact, some of the girls Angela herself went to high school with now found themselves out of high school, still desperately but unsuccessfully trying to hold on to what they once were. Angela thought Shante was on her way to being one of those girls; she also knew it was useless telling Benji; for one thing, he was obviously girl crazy and for another, he was always trying to keep up with Marcus. But what she just overheard was her chance to drive Benji towards something positive.
“I can help you.”
Benji looked up from his pad of paper, where he was writing the words of the song he recorded earlier.
“What?”
“With your project. I can help you.”
Benji realized his sister had overheard him talking. He didn’t care. Angela and Nikki were always doing stuff like that; sometimes they quietly picked up the phone to listen to his conversations. Well…maybe they probably didn’t go that far; Nikki probably did but not Angela. But Benji and Sid definitely listened in on their calls though. Listened to Marcus’s calls too sometimes. Angela’s calls were usually pretty boring, like about school stuff, but Nikki? Pretty interesting convo…Benji learned quite a bit about girls from listening in to some of her calls.
“I’m not worried.” he said dismissively to his older sister. Angela helped him with his homework a lot, but he was just so uninterested in General Science, there was nothing about it that could possibly get him anything other than an F…so there was no point in trying. Besides, he’d told Deen to fail him. He didn’t say it out loud but he challenged her in his head to fail him and he meant it. He’d take the punishment for it later.
“Really? You sure? I have an interesting idea for a project though…it’s fun too. It’s about all your little girlfriends,” Angela continued with a laugh as she started to leave.
Benji remain uninterested.
Wait a minute.
The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He stared after his sister, slightly confused and a thought came to mind.
“Did she say…girls?”
I saw Benji conflicted now. He watched his sister leave, but I saw the wheels turning, and I knew he was curious. On one hand, there was nothing about science that could hold Benji’s interest for longer than two seconds. On the other hand —Angela clearly said “girls,” and despite himself, Benji found himself interested in what she meant. Was it a trick?
I sensed something. It wasn’t a trick. I got close to Benji’s ear and whispered:
“Crossroad…”
Then I watched for his reaction.
Benji settled in. He’d intended to record music off the radio but instead decided to just listen to what he’d already recorded—he was strangely tired after what seemed like a very long day. There was comfort in the music he recorded— sometimes he recorded the music, sometimes he listened to words of the songs…sometimes he wrote the words in his notebook so he’d have something to say when he talked to girls, as long was the song wasn’t too popular. For now, though, he was content to listen to his handiwork in total solitude as the Southern California Friday afternoon slowly turned into the Southern California Friday evening.
Every song he’d taped meant something, and Benji sunk into his bed to relax as his recordings played. He recorded fast music too so that he could practice dancing, but this was his slow jams cassette. Benji secretly recorded this one song Baby Come Back which was playing now…Benji hadn’t originally intended to record Player’s pop tune, but the beginning was pretty slick and he’d listened to the lyrics - just as he was doing now. He knew his brothers would laugh at him if they heard it, so he always scrambled to turn down the volume or hit the fast-forward button if anyone surprised him while he was listening. But right now, though he could hear the voices of his brothers and sisters coming from the living room and kitchen, he felt comfortably alone.
As he listed to those Player guys plead for some girl to please come back, thoughts of Shante flooded the young teen’s memory. The truth was—Shante Clay was the best girlfriend he’d ever had. He liked her too. She was a little loud, and like Benji, she wasn’t too interested in school, which was no big deal - but there was just something about her. She was confident, outgoing, and funny…she always seemed surrounded by a bunch of people, both girls and boys. She was pretty and fashionable and loved to dance — in fact, she was everything Benji was not. But the thing was…not only was she pretty, she was loyal too. She was often randomly affectionate to Benji no matter how many people were around. She’d even walk away from her crowd to sit with him or jump on his back or scream across the cafeteria, “There’s my baby!” He couldn’t figure out why, but…it felt pretty good…so as the song played on, Benji found himself regretting not going over to her house and for the life of him couldn’t remember why he hadn’t gone. Because Shante could choose someone else way better than him, and then what?
The song changed now…and though it was Donny Hathaway singing about getting closer to Roberta Flack, in his mind, it was Benji thinking about his locker mate Tina Ngono. Their night at the telescope place and the bus ride there and back was the best night of his life, and he knew she felt it too…and then as quick as it came, it was gone. And it never came back. It was as if it never happened, and Benji almost got angry sometimes trying to figure out why. And another thing Benji noticed…Shante talked about Tina often, and her jealousy was obvious, but Tina never talked about Shante…like she didn’t care whether Shante was his girlfriend or not. Why? And why’d she tap him on the shoulder and asked to be his locker mate anyway? And why did they laugh so much and talk about things like being an enigma and stuff? And why did she let Benji carry her books like a boyfriend? It was so confusing. Did she even have a boyfriend? She was the one who was an enigma…
The afternoon turned to dusk, and Benji felt more and more relaxed as Bobby Debarge and Switch threatened to rock Benji to sleep. Not even thoughts of Tina could push away the thoughts of the dark-haired girl he saw around from time to time; she always captured Benji’s attention, and he did not know why—because he’d never spoken to her. He almost talked to her one time, though. Once, at the school trip to Magic Mountain, he’d seen her with a girl he thought was her sister…and she waved! Benji was so rattled he didn’t even wave back, he didn’t realize who she was waving at because he wasn’t wearing his glasses…and the moment passed. Later that evening, Benji won a gigantic stuffed giraffe by shooting baskets—and when the guy gave him the monstrous toy animal, Benji walked around for an hour, intending to give it to the dark-haired girl from his neighborhood…but he couldn’t find her and ended up giving it to Shante, who squealed in delight. Benji wished he was as smooth as Bobby Debarge from Switch. His last thought before his eyes closed was “I’ll whisper something in her ear…yeah…Bobby Debarge always knows what to say…”
I looked at Benji and smiled.
“Do you ever think about anything but girls?” I said to his sleeping form.
He smiled drowsily with his eyes still closed.
Just as he threatened to fall into a deep sleep, Benji woke with a start. His cassette reached the end of the tape, so silence now teamed with darkness to fill the room as Benji forced himself awake. It was dinner time, and it appeared as though Pops brought his family a rare Friday night treat…the tantalizing smell of McDonald’s french fries beckoned Benji to rejoin his family.
Benji’s nose had not led him astray, and his mouth watered at the thought of the treats held within the crinkled white bags, but it was not his father who delivered the family’s Friday- night feast. It turned out his cousin Jimmy, who joined the military last year, was home visiting and bought dinner when he came over. Benji’s focus was on the McDonald’s bags. He was hunting for Quarter Pounders; he loved the box containing the quarter- pound burgers because the melted cheese always spilled on the box, and he could scoop the cheese with a french fry…or his finger. The Big Macs were OK, but the cheese didn’t fall on the box, sometimes the cheese never melted at all…plus Big Macs had all that stupid lettuce and red mayonnaise on them that had to be scraped off. Mama would pull out a quarter-pound burger to save for Pops and sometimes for his sisters too; then the boys would battle for the remaining burgers. Last one to the table might get stuck with a regular old cheeseburger. Or worse…a hamburger.
Benji dived into a bag and struck gold…the yellow Styrofoam container which held the cherished Quarter Pounder with cheese. But as he settled down to eat, another thought came to Benji’s consciousness before he could take a single bite.
His cousin Jimmy.
He was different from before.
Jimmy had always been kind of a…well…kind of a…nothing. Even though he was older, he wasn’t big, strong, and popular like Marcus; he wasn’t super smart like Angela; he wasn’t cute like Nikki…and Benji couldn’t believe the word “cute” had even come to his mind when it came to Nikki— she wasn’t cute; in fact she was nothing but annoying. But Jimmy wasn’t even annoying…he was just a nobody cousin who just kind of hung around and blended in to whatever crowd he happened to find himself in—in fact, he was kind of like an older version of Benji. He wasn’t a bad person, he wasn’t mean or anything, he just…he didn’t score any touchdowns; he wasn’t interesting; he didn’t do anything particularly well. Benji remembered Mama feeling sorry for his cousin because Jimmy’s date for the prom came home after an hour because she had another date on the same night as the prom. Jimmy was kind of like oatmeal with no butter and no sugar—that’s what Marcus said back then, and everyone laughed…because it was true.
But this was a different Jimmy.
He was telling military stories, Marcus was laughing and Sid was mesmerized; Nikki was looking at him like he was some kind of enchanted prince, and Benji thought he knew why. Jimmy was talking with power and confidence now…he even moved around the room like he was in charge or something. Pops came in, and when Jimmy stood to greet him, Pops shook his hand like a man and put his hand on his shoulder like Jimmy was…like…a hero or something? But what really struck Benji was how his cousin looked. He was stylish, dressed all in matching purple pants and a purple shirt with a fresh wide collar, and he just looked…strong. He was muscular now in a different way than Marcus was; Benji could kind of see muscles under Jimmy’s silk purple shirt, and though he tried not to stare, Benji found himself enthralled with his military cousin just like his sister and everyone else seemed to be.
“Benji, come here.”
His father’s command cut through his altered focus and beckoned Benji to join him where he was deep in discussion with Jimmy and Marcus.
“Yes sir?”
Benji’s father gestured toward Benji as he turned to Jimmy and said, “Tell my son what you were just telling me, Jimmy.”
Jimmy stuck out hand and said, “Hey, lil’ cuz.”
“His voice is even deeper,” Benji thought to himself. “He sounds like a man…is this even my cousin?”
“Listen,” Jimmy continued. “We got a program out at the base where we bring in teenagers to work for the summer to get working experience. Might be a good opportunity for you to make some extra money and see how the military works. I can try to make it happen if you’re interested.”
Benji’s father looked at him expectantly.
The fact his father hadn’t said that Benji was going to do it meant Benji knew he had a choice in the matter.
Benji thought to himself, “Doesn’t sound all that good…I don’t know about all that working and stuff. I want to chill in the summer time, and I’m not trying to be out there getting yelled at and marching around and getting my hair cut and everything.”
Then he thought again.
“Jimmy looks real smooth, though. Do I get a uniform? I could use some money, but do I have to work every day? Would Pops let me keep the money? I can do some things with money, but…what about Shante? And…what about the boxing thing?”
I could see Benji was very conflicted but I sensed something. I knew where we were so I moved a little closer and got close to Benji’s ear and whispered:
“Crossroad…”
Then I watched for his reaction.
Benji knew he had a lot of thinking to do, but now he needed to get ready for the party. Mama didn’t always let him go…sometimes he snuck out, even knowing the beating might be waiting when he returned home. Sometimes he lied and said he was going to Brian’s house…never said he was going to Ricky’s because the answer would still be no, Mama thought that part of Southeast was too dangerous at night. But this time, Mama said it was OK as long as he came home on time. It was a different level of comfort not having to sneak and lie.
Of course—Benji still said he was walking to the party with Brian. A minor lie, but it was much closer to the truth than where he normally ended.
There was no need to dress up for a regular house party. Benji made that mistake once before after saying he was staying over at Brian’s house…not only had he been teased for months for wearing “church clothes” to a house party, but once he got home, Mama grilled him about where he’d really went. Because when Benji tried to sneak the clothes back into his closet, it was obvious they’d been worn somewhere. Benji tried to stick to the lie no matter what, just like Marcus said he should…Marcus said when you lie, stick to it forever, no matter what—but Mama wasn’t buying it. When the matter got turned over to Pops, the refusal to tell the truth earned Benji a beating. Pops seemed to know what the truth was…Marcus and Sid wouldn’t have told—the Frazier boys don’t snitch. But the Frazier girls? Benji figured Nikki found out where he went and probably snitched. He could tell Nikki was a little bit sad in the aftermath of his beating. Probably a guilty conscience.
Some kids could get away with dressing up for a house party, but Benji was not one of them. His normal house party style was to wear school clothes or maybe something just a little bit better than he’d wear on a normal day—like what he’d wear on picture day, maybe. Shante would out dress him, but that was OK—she always did and besides, she was a girl. Nick and the other gangsters never dressed up for house parties, so even regular clothes were OK for guys.
Having decided his denim bell bottoms and matching shirt would work (after asking Nikki what would look good— it was one of the few times she didn’t get on his nerves), Benji jumped in the bathtub and then went to work on his hair, picking out his hair until it no longer seemed lopsided to him. He examined himself in the bathroom mirror and was pleased with what he saw…he only wished he had a chain or something to wear around his neck like the guys on Soul Train, but all in all, he thought he looked ready.
Benji felt good as he prepared to depart his house to head over to Shante’s; school was out, and he wasn’t sneaking or hiding, so he wasn’t nervous, even though he was supposed to be home before midnight— he’d have to see about that one. It was going to be a great night, and he was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend. He’d really missed her that afternoon, and what he didn’t realize until that very moment was that they were rarely alone…in fact, they’d never been alone. Her friends were always around; they were even at the house when he went over there to get his hair braided. And if not her friends, her little brother or sister was running around. The only time they were alone was on the phone. So walking to the party tonight was going to be a first for the young couple.
“You look so handsome.”
His mother was cleaning the dinner mess and beaming at her middle son. She had that sparkle in her eyes Benji loved to see…it was like he was her baby again. Benji was surprised Mama would let him walk to their party, but it was if she finally recognized Benji was growing up.
“Angela! Your brother is ready to leave. Can you drop him off?”
He should have known better.
And there was no sense in debating it. Mama was so protective; he should have expected something like this. Or even better— he should have just snuck over to the party like he usually did.
“Come on, Stinky.”
Benji’s father looked up from the show he was watching to give Benji a little smile and wink as the two departed the house. Pops understood…Benji knew he did. But no one was standing up to Mama on something like this…not even Baba. Pops’s wink said, “Don’t worry…this won’t last forever.”
Benji wasn’t so sure.
“And be outside at twelve so your daddy don’t have to wait for you” Mama added.
Great.
Benji was silent as his oldest sister climbed into the car and began to make her way through the darkened Southeast streets.
“Where are we going?”
Benji peered at his sister. He didn’t want to go to the party and then head backwards to walk with Shante. He didn’t even want to be dropped off in front of the house where everyone could see, but he thought he could convince Angela to drop him off down the street from the party or on the next block. She’d understand.
But then Benji got an even better idea.
“Can you drop me off at Shante’s?”
It was a question, not a statement. But that was OK in Benji’s mind; Angela wasn’t a girl…she was his sister.
Angela looked at Benji in exasperation. She was the oldest; Mama and Daddy depended on her. She said no to her siblings often when she was left in charge; it wasn’t easy being the oldest. And besides…her brother was too good for that little fast girl anyway.
But even through the dark, she could see the almost pleading look in her brother’s eyes. She was not much for parties herself, but she understood.
“Benji and Nikki are not so different,” she thought with a smile. “She’s a female version of him; he’s the male version of her. Both of them are love crazy”
“Does Daddy know where to pick you up?”
Benji nodded.
Angela silently adjusted her navigation to drop Benji off at his girlfriend’s house; Benji stopped staring at her, but she felt his warmth and gratitude through the darkness.
When they arrived, Benji hopped out and looked back as he headed for Shante’s door. The Fraziers were not an “I love you” kind of family…especially the brothers and sisters. Maybe Mama was sometimes, but the rest? The family did love each other, but it just wasn’t something they went around saying to each other all the time.
Or some of the time.
Or ever.
But as Benji and his sister shared a moment in the dark…no words were needed. Angela knew. And Benji knew. And they each knew the other knew. The actual words were unnecessary.
Benji approached the door as his sister drove off, but no one answered when Benji rang her doorbell. He was about to ring it again when Shante’s older brother appeared at the window, pulled back the curtain, and made a loud announcement through the closed window.
“Shante ain’t here. She left already.”
And with that statement made, he closed the curtain. And Benji was left standing there.
At first, he wondered if Shante was really there and just not ready. Or maybe she’d changed her mind and decided she didn’t want to go to the party. Or maybe she was mad at Benji for not coming over earlier. But he’d just talked to her, and they’d made a plan to walk to the party together, so for a moment, Benji was stunned.
And then it became clear. Shante left…probably with her friends. Because as usual, Shante was going to do whatever Shante was going to do…which was whatever she wanted to do, whether they’d made plans or not. And Benji wasn’t mad though.
This time—he was just done.
He’d had it with this girl. This was it: tonight he would quit her. Yes, he would quit her, and tomorrow he was going over to Tina’s house and not play basketball…he’d talk to her about their time at the telescope place. He was going to call her an enigma, and he wouldn’t ask Tina any questions either…he’d make lots of statements, like Marcus said.
Or even better…he’d find that dark- haired girl and tell her his name. She wasn’t going to get any questions either…all statements. Then he’d suggest going somewhere, and she would be thrilled and they’d make a plan. Oh and he was going to tell her about the toy giraffe and find out what her name was too.
Maybe he wouldn’t tell her about the giraffe.
But Shante? He was done with this chick, he had options now…or so he thought. For a split second, he considered not going to the party, but he felt so good, he decided he wanted to go. And he hoped he saw Shante there. In fact, he practiced how he would ignore her like she was no big deal all the way to the party.
Benji heard the party before he got there. The Bar-Kays’ “Let’s Have Some Fun” played faintly in the distance and got louder and louder as he approached. There were a bunch of kids outside, and as Benji walked in, he heard a male voice yelling.
“There that nigga is! Punk muh fucka bet not come over this way! Punk ass mutha fucka…scared ass nigga, I’ll beat that ass.…”
It was Tootie Mo.
He’d never gotten over their fight and was always trying to instigate another conflict. But it was here where Benji’s poor sight was a huge benefit to him.
To everyone who witnessed the incident and to Tootie Mo himself, it appeared as though Benji stopped, glared at Tootie Mo with absolute malice, decided he wasn’t worth beating up again, and proceeded inside, completely unaffected by his gangster tantrum.
I knew the truth.
In actuality, Benji heard the voice and turned to look at the voice. Since he didn’t have his glasses on, he thought it might be Tootie Mo, but since the music was loud, he wasn’t sure. He also had no idea if the voice was addressing him specifically, so since he couldn’t see the culprit to accurately read the situation, he looked for a minute and then went on about his business.
Things were not always what they looked like. It was odd how that worked sometimes.
As the rest of the night unfolded, it didn’t go quite like Benji imagined it would go.
The music was good…Cameo, the Sylvers, Brick, Rose Royce, Bootsy…Benji knew just about everyone there and was comfortable. He’d go inside and hang out, move out to the garage where the strobe light was flashing and someone had some different music playing, then outside where the gangsters mostly hung out…then he’d reverse the process and repeat it. Over and over.
But something was missing.
He wasn’t sure if he’d seen Shante or not. Without his glasses, he could have walked right by her and not recognized her in the dark. Which he did several times. But it wasn’t that.
The thought just occurred to Benji that the party was fun…kind of…but he had even more fun just hanging out with Brian playing electric football or eating beans at Ricky’s house while laughing about whatever. He had a good time with Sid…the brothers sometimes just created games to play with discarded dice from several board games and old playing cards, then spent the evening arguing over who won. He had more fun playing basketball at Tina’s house, and he wondered what they were all doing.
But the rules were you had to act like you were having fun at a party…and Benji was acting like he was having fun.
Kind of.
It was just a weird feeling. Benji couldn’t put it into words…so I did it for him.
“It’s like…wherever you are…whatever you’re doing…you don’t feel like you quite belong. There’s always something missing…something lacking. Right, Benji?”
Benji stood almost frozen as the words I whispered to his subconscious thoughts struggled to make their way and find an interpretation his conscious teenage mind could comprehend.
“Come on, boy, and dance with me. You know you like this.”
Shante beckoned as the jungle cry of “Aqua Boogie” introduced the beginning of Parliament’s hit song and broke Benji from his stupor. As she grabbed his hand and guided him to the area serving as the dance floor, Benji didn’t know if by “you want this” she meant he wanted her…or wanted to dance to one of his favorite songs.
He wanted neither.
When he’d said he was through, he’d meant it, and for a brief moment, he considered just walking away—seemed kind of a feminine thing to do though. Even so—he imagined the look on her face, and she’d probably make a scene…but he didn’t care anymore. The only thing that kept him from leaving was the fact that the makeshift dance floor had rapidly filled up, and exiting was no easy thing right then. So he danced.
Benji heard the music enough to stay in rhythm, but it was an uninspired dance performance. Even for an average dancer like Benji. He was just waiting for the song to end so he could head outside with the gangsters. He knew they’d be up to something funny or crazy. Anything to get out of there until his Pops came to get him. Benji fully intended to head outside when the song ended.
But something else happened.
The musical tinkle of bells at the start of the slow dance song that followed seemed almost magical. And for the first time that night…maybe for the first time ever…Shante was really looking at Benji. Really looking…and as she was drawn closer and closer to Benji, she reached out for him…not to grab his hand though.
But to hold it.
This was a different Shante than Benji had ever seen. Thoughts of her selfishness, her constant chatter, her leaving for the party without him disappeared as her being seemed to just fade into the warmth of Benji’s teenage body.
And Benji held her.
Cliff Perkins’s effortless falsetto serenaded the two. “Body and Soul” enchanted the teenagers and Benji held on a little tighter as Cliff sang the words Benji wanted his girlfriend to hear.
The teens held each other tighter and swayed to their own slow rhythm, almost oblivious to the melodic beat…but not the words. For his part, the song captured Benji’s feelings exactly. Shante had been disrespectful; it was just like when Tootie Mo slapped him out of his chair. If he didn’t do something, the slaps were going to keep on coming.
Shante just gave different kinds of slaps.
It seemed strange - he still really liked her in a way but even so, he couldn’t stay with her, even with as sweet as she was being right now. Although…he’d never felt her caring more than he felt at this moment. She was responding like she needed Benji. Like she wanted him and it could be no other way.
Body and Soul.
Just like the song said.
Benji and Shante continued to dance together in the dark with Shante holding Benji tight, Benji holding Shante tight, and the music holding them both…tight and warm in the dark. Shante broke contact long enough to look up at her boyfriend, and when he looked into her eyes, he was met with something he never expected to ever see.
“I’m sorry.”
It was her eyes saying it…but it was as if she’d said the words out loud, and she might as well have…her eyes didn’t lie.
Eyes can’t lie. Not ever. It’s impossible.
And as the young girl’s eyes threatened to overflow with tears, she buried her face into Benji’s chest to be comforted by his warmth and the beating of his heart. And now Benji was again torn. Thoughts of Tina evaporated, and in the moment, the dark-haired girl also ceased to exist—there was no Ricky, no Brian, no Sid, no Marcus, no nobody…there was only Shante and a something that was happening that threatened to overwhelm them both.
Shante reached up and began tenderly caressing Benji’s neck and face, and before either could plan for it or be nervous…they were kissing. It wasn’t sloppy…it wasn’t rushed…it was the deep, sweet, pure, fresh kiss of youth, of innocence and of teenage passion. It was a kiss that announced to everyone there were only two people in the room…only two mattered. Everyone else had disappeared.
The song was only three minutes long, but it seemed like it lasted three hours.
They stared closely at each other as the song ended. And then, without a word, hand in hand, each knew…they wanted to leave. Benji thought Shante would have to make an announcement to her friends before they left, but the teens just walked out wordlessly into the night air and then started off together in the direction of Shante’s home.
Still holding hands.
And they talked. Really talked. And laughed. They talked about their day, they talked about school, they laughed about the party and agreed it was dumb. There were no apologies, no mention of Tina; nobody dominated—it was just a light-hearted, free-flowing, easy, back and forth talk between two teenagers who liked each other a lot.
And neither wanted to let go of the other’s hand.
And neither wanted the walk to end…but both had to end eventually.
They kissed again on the sidewalk on front of her house…quick this time, so no one would peek out her window and catch them.
“Don’t forget to do your project, boy!” Shante playfully called out as she broke away to go in her door.
Benji was all smiles; he still didn’t care about the project but…she’d remembered. So that meant…she’d been listening all along.
As he ambled toward his own home, something pulled him to look back at the spot where he and Shante kissed before she went inside. And when he looked back, he was met by a face in the window.
It was Shante. Smiling. And waving. And even though his eyesight was poor, he felt he could clearly see the look in his girlfriend’s eyes and what it meant.
It had been a fantastic night…funny how the right three minutes can make for the perfect night. He walked home slowly so he could relive it, and the memory made him smile.
But doubts lingered. The night was special…even better than the night at the telescope place. Way better. But Benji remembered some things—things about Shante, but what he really remembered was Tina. They’d had their evening too, but the next day, it was like it never happened. Was this night going to be forgotten too? Shante was already his girlfriend, but…girls were tricky. He didn’t forget that he didn’t understand them at all.
And I remembered too.
I wasn’t so concerned with Tina, but I was definitely concerned with Shante. Benji wasn’t focused on it, but I remembered the forced phone calls. I did not forget the selfishness of leaving without Benji earlier that evening and ignoring him for most of their time at the party. Shante was not a bad person, but I definitely sensed something. So I moved a little closer and got close to Benji’s ear and whispered:
“Crossroad…”
Then I watched for his reaction.
Benji got home a full hour before curfew. Everyone was asleep, but Pops was watching the cowboy movies he loved. His father loved cowboy movies, they reminded him of his own childhood. The look on his father’s face now said he was happy he would not have to go out to pick up his son. When Benji walked in, his father told him, “Wait here.” He went into the kitchen to pour himself some VO Canadian Whiskey, his favorite drink. He added some water and a few ice cubes and sat back down to watch more of the movies. Finally, at the commercial, he eyed Benji and said, “I haven’t seen you much today…how was school? How was the party? How’s everything?”
Benji figured he had about two minutes before the commercials ended.
“Well…” he began.