The Wanderer Scorned

My confinement continued to frustrate me. Although I tried to bear it with more patience, I remained too sick to move around for another week. With my siblings returned, I had to watch as everyone else resumed activities and left me alone again. Though assured of Havel and Awan’s safety, my parents and youngest siblings still seemed nervous around me.

Had Awan stayed with me it might have been more tolerable, but now my wounds didn’t need tending, even she appeared to withdraw. Seeming to have overcome her fears on her journey with Havel, she now happily went out to help the men instead of staying near the hut. Almost every time I saw her, she was at Havel’s side, removing the one good thing about my confinement.

The following Shabbat, Abba asked Havel if he would lead our prayers. He seemed keen to delegate the task now Havel had proven himself. My gut protested that I, the eldest, should have been chosen, but there seemed a tacit acknowledgement that I was not qualified. I had never been asked to lead prayers, even when fully involved in the worship.

Prayers soon progressed into something more active as the others responded to Havel’s lead. Before long, we were being gathered for worship not just on Shabbat but often during the evenings. Havel shared stories and thoughts of Yahweh. He encouraged my parents to reveal more about their conversations in Eden so we could all learn from them.

My younger siblings devoured Havel’s words. They asked questions, wanting to know more. Chayim and Avigail started acting out the stories Havel told, and everyone would laugh at their antics – especially when they did impressions of my parents. I joined in and found some parts genuinely amusing, but my laughter often felt hollow in my ears.

Awan began to sing aloud on her own. Encouraged by Havel, she started singing songs she had composed – songs of praise to a God I was struggling to understand.

One day, after family worship, Awan came and sat beside me, asking me how I was. I began to say my foot was improving, but she stopped me and asked how I was in my soul. Seeing me speechless, she explained, ‘You used to smile when you heard me sing, but lately you look sad.’

I smiled at her then, trying to reassure her, for I was unsure what I should reveal. Finally, I decided if there was one person I could trust, it was her. ‘I have been struggling since the wolf attack. I don’t feel close to Elohim as you and Havel seem to be.’

She drew her brows together. ‘What do you think has changed?’

I wasn’t sure. In some ways, nothing. I had never had the kind of bond with Elohim that Havel had. Many of the questions flooding my mind had grown gradually, as I had struggled in my relationship with Abba, or become older and lost my childlike view of the world. Yet only since the wolves had they grown so loud.

‘I’m not sure,’ I responded. ‘I don’t understand all that’s happened recently. I don’t know what I have done wrong, yet I seem to have been punished. To have earned everyone’s condemnation.’

Awan looked into my eyes. ‘I was torn about it, but I wanted to help you – and the thought of Havel being alone in the wild… I couldn’t bear that.’

‘Nor I,’ I said, though I was surprised her motivation included concern for us both. ‘Weren’t you scared?’

‘Of course. But Havel is much braver than I, and his bravery helps me feel strong. Then, when I felt Elohim’s presence… I can’t describe it; it was incredible. I somehow knew we were safe, even when I thought we might get eaten by the giant tannin!’

We sat still for a few moments. Awan’s trust in both Havel and Elohim sparked a flame of jealousy. I wanted to experience Yahweh’s presence the way she had, and I had enjoyed being Awan’s strong one. When I didn’t say anything further, my sister rose to leave.

‘I think if you are confused about Elohim, you should speak to Havel,’ she said. ‘He is much better than me with these things. I’ll ask him to come here.’

My heart contracted. I grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving. ‘I would much rather speak with you. Please don’t go.’

She tried to laugh, yet her laughter cut short as she looked into my eyes. I searched hers, pleading with her to stay.

My expression remained steadfast. She tried to release her arm, but I couldn’t let her go.

Awan moved out of arm’s length. Fixing her eyes on me again she tried to smile, but couldn’t hide her concern. She turned and went in search of my brother.

Havel joined me a few moments later. He grinned, clapped me on the back, then sat down in the dust. He faced me at a slight angle, crossing his legs and leaning back on his arms. ‘Awan said you want to speak to me.’

Although I had wanted to ask him questions the day I woke up, right now, I wasn’t in the mood. I nodded anyway.

‘I am glad,’ he continued. ‘I have been worried about you ever since we returned, but I didn’t want to force you to talk.’

All my questions seemed to flit away. I didn’t like the way he was sitting and smiling. Being patronised by a brother half my age wasn’t pleasant. However, I decided to swallow my pride for Awan’s sake. I searched my mind for the things bothering me most.

‘Tell me, Havel. If Elohim cares for me, why would He allow my foot to be bitten? And why did He not heal it straight away? Why did I have to almost die before He decided to help me?’ I completely failed to hide the bitterness in my voice.

Havel didn’t look surprised. I’d expected a more significant reaction to doubt in his Elohim.

After pausing a few moments, he spoke. ‘I too have pondered these things. It wasn’t pleasant for any of us seeing you suffer.’ Havel ran a hand through his hair. ‘I certainly don’t have all the answers. However, I think that sometimes Yahweh allows bad things to happen to teach us something. Perhaps He wants to teach you how to wait on Him?’

‘Kayin, you are very skilled; you have always been strong and capable. Everything you put your hand to flourishes. But now you have an injury, you might rely less on yourself and more on Yahweh to meet your needs.’

‘So He caused my injury so I might be less productive; so I won’t be able to provide as well for this family? That is ridiculous!’

‘He allowed the wolves to attack you, yes. I don’t know if that’s the same thing as causing it.’

‘It seems like the same thing to me. For if Elohim is all-powerful, then He could have stopped it.’

‘Certainly. But then you would always have continued in the same way. Oh, it is a great mystery, Kayin! I feel in my soul that He holds all things in His hand, even the details of our lives, yet we also hold responsibility for our actions. I don’t know the answer, but I must trust He is good and will always do what is right. Perhaps He appointed these things because the way you were heading wasn’t beneficial for you?’

‘How not? Who is the one who feeds this family, Havel? It is not you or Abba. You just play around with sheep all day. You think that Chayim could do it all by himself?’

Havel ignored my insulting tone. ‘Kayin, we all appreciate what you do, and I have just acknowledged your great skill. But where do you think that skill comes from? It is a gift from Elohim, a gift given you to use for His glory.’

Havel smiled. ’Do you remember the time I bit Chayim when I was little?’

I did remember and, despite my bad mood, I smiled too.

‘You asked me then whom the ground belonged to, and I confessed it belonged to Elohim. It is the same with our skills. Everything belongs to Him.’

Was Havel suggesting I couldn’t own my skill – that I shouldn’t take pride in the one thing I was good at? If I didn’t own that then I had nothing to base my confidence in. ‘Aren’t I using my skills for His glory by providing for His people? What else should I do?’

‘You’re questioning my motivations? Everything I do is for others. Am I not selfless enough for you?’

‘That’s not what I meant, Kayin. Let me give you an example from sheep; I’m better with sheep.’ He grinned. ‘When a lamb is born, it’s totally dependent on its mother. It needs her for everything: milk, care, warmth. Yet as the lamb grows, it becomes more independent. At that point, what happens? It starts wandering away, deciding to explore rather than keep its eyes on its mother. Then it gets into trouble because the truth is, it is not yet old enough to leave its mother’s side.

‘We are a little like those lambs, Kayin. We are born reliant on our parents not just to care for us but to guide us. Although certainly capable of doing wrong, we instinctively trust what they tell us about our Creator. Yet as we grow, we may wander away, trusting in ourselves when we are not yet trustworthy. We may do things in our own strength rather than relying on the one who created us to give us wisdom.

‘Yahweh doesn’t want us to wander. Like a good shepherd, He desires to keep us safe. He wants to stop us hurting ourselves in our bid for independence. He wants to keep us from walking dangerous paths. Sometimes, to do that, He will need to use His staff to bring us back in. Or even to discipline us.’

‘I’m not exactly sure. Perhaps the right path looks different for each of us, but we will not find it unless we allow Yahweh Elohim to guide us.’

This was all very vague. I tried to think about what Havel was saying. As regards my parents, it wasn’t I who had left: they had withdrawn from me. Yet, wasn’t he talking about Elohim? I didn’t think I’d wandered from Him either. He’d never shown Himself to me in the first place.

‘I have not tried to wander – if you would put it that way. If I have withdrawn, it is due to certain circumstances…’ I was thinking of my relationship with Abba. ‘…Due to the suffering and chastisement I have endured.’

‘A lamb rarely tries to wander,’ Havel said quietly. ‘It happens when they take their eyes off their mother. Then, once they realise they are lost, they bleat loudly, calling for someone to help them.’

Havel laughed. ‘Yes!’

‘Your Creator, Yahweh! Tell Him your concerns and ask Him for His way to be made known. Trust Him that He cares for you and desires what’s good for you.’

‘But I have no confidence that He does care!’ Unbidden tears welled in my eyes. ‘He has shown me no favour! If He cares, why did He cause so much pain? Why prevent me from fulfilling my purpose? How… how can I provide for everyone while confined to a chair?’

‘Barely,’ I scoffed. ‘He needs you all to help him. I’m sure the crops will suffer from my neglect. How can you think my injury is good for us? Or for me?’

‘Because life is not just about food, Kayin! It is not just about providing for your family – much as we appreciate you doing so. I have a suspicion that life is not even about us, but that He made us for something bigger than ourselves. We were created for the Creator. He has purposes that go beyond the skills He has given us. He desires to know each one of us. We just need to trust Him.’

Anger rose in my throat. ‘Well, I’m beginning to think the Creator made a mistake. If He wants to know me so badly, if He wants me to trust Him, He should not have made me suffer!’

I’m not sure what made me snap when until then, I’d been willing to listen. If I could have stormed off, I probably would have. Yet, once again, I was stuck on my chair and would have looked ridiculous trying to rise and failing. Instead, I scowled at the ground, signalling that the conversation was over.

Havel refused to take the hint. ‘What is really bothering you, Kayin? I know there’s more to it than this.’

I continued my sulk but he didn’t leave.

I sighed. ‘If you must know, it is not just Elohim. I have lost everyone’s favour. Abba has hated me the past eight years. Ima likewise blames me for nearly getting Chayim killed. They both hover around me saying nothing of value. And the young ones? They adore you, but they either ignore me or purposefully annoy me. I feel… Sometimes, I feel I don’t belong here anymore.’

I realised I had revealed far more than I’d intended to. My brother drew near and lowered his voice. ‘Is that really what you think?’ He sounded genuinely upset. ‘No wonder you are sullen.’ He paused before continuing. ‘I don’t know why you think our parents hate you. I have always thought you were the favourite.’

I guffawed in response, looking at him and raising an eyebrow.

‘Well, they had you around for so long before any of us were born, and I wondered why. As a child, I looked up to you. You were so capable and strong; it felt like you could do nothing wrong. And you had such a close relationship with Ima. I was jealous of you! I had to repent before Elohim.’

He had repented of jealousy? That was odd. I decided to correct his misunderstanding. ‘I was close to them. Until the day I sent you off that cliff. Then it all changed.’

‘I don’t think they truly blamed you for that. In the heat of the moment perhaps, but not after you found me.’

‘No, Havel, you are wrong.’ He had not heard the conversation between my parents, where Abba had confessed his hatred for me. ‘Besides, how do you explain their behaviour now?’

‘That is something different, and I am sorry for it. I believe it relates to your fits while I was away. Do you realise what you were like, or have you no recollection of it?’

He said the following words carefully. ‘I have been told that you were frantic, uncontrollable. You kept screaming that Awan and I were dead. You screamed at Avigail, telling her to leave or you would kill her. You refused to take any food. Ima said you had a look in your eyes – like you were not of this world but belonged to another. Chayim and Abba had to physically restrain you to give you water.’

‘They were keeping you alive, Kayin. You have frightened everyone quite badly. They don’t know what to say. They can’t comprehend what you went through or why you would treat them like that. They are simply scared.’

I looked up at him then, searching his eyes. They were pools of deep brown, almost the same colour as the hair falling in wavy tresses to his shoulders. A beard was filling out over his chin and around his broad lips. His face was square and angular and sat on shoulders that, whilst not as large as mine, were growing in size and strength. I couldn’t reconcile this person with the boy who had clung to me at the cliff face and cried into my arms. Where had my little brother gone, and who was this replacement?

After several moments I spoke again. ‘I cannot fully explain what happened. I had many nightmares when you were gone. I kept seeing you and Awan. You kept dying. Before my eyes. In my head.’ My hands dug into my hair and my voice broke as the images flooded back. ‘I could not distinguish what was a dream and what was real.’

Havel put his arms around me and held me as my shoulders shook. He started praying, speaking softly into the darkening sky around us.

‘Yahweh Elohim, Creator of the heavens and the earth. Ruach Elohim, giver of breath and sustainer of life. I praise You for Kayin, for the skill You have given him in bringing forth food from the land. I pray he may soon be able to work the ground again and find pleasure in fulfilling Your purposes for him, whatever they may be.

‘O Eternal One, Creator of the seasons and the one who numbers all our days, heal the heart of Your son in Your good time. O Yahweh, would You weave back together what has torn in his soul? Would You impress upon him Your love, Your goodness, and Your holiness? Have mercy on us, for You are justice, yet also our salvation. Blessed be Your name in all the earth.’

After he finished speaking, we remained there in the stillness for some time. When I began to fidget, Havel rose, keeping his hand on my shoulder for a moment longer. Finally, he crept away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.