The Wanderer Scorned

As time went on, I slowly grew stronger. Soon I could hobble to the vineyards nearest the hut with the aid of a staff. I tended some vines one-handed and inspected what Chayim had accomplished in my absence, instructing him where I couldn’t reach something myself. Fortunately, Chayim wasn’t fazed by my fits during the fever and didn’t mind me telling him what to do.

After sorting the vines, we moved on to the flax. Most would be pulled for linen. A proportion would be left to produce the seed for oil and planting next year’s crop. Mercifully, neglect made no difference to these hardy plants. Once they produced their beautiful blue flowers, it was simply a case of waiting a few weeks until pulling, so no tending had been necessary whilst I’d been injured.

Chayim and I made good progress. Avigail and Ima came to help sort the pulled plant into bushels and carry those to a dam I’d constructed by the river for soaking. Flax needed retting for one to two weeks: softening in water so the outer wood rotted away, loosening the fibre from the core. Abba, Chayim and Havel helped by throwing stones over the bushels to keep them submerged, as there was no way I could manage that. It was then Shimon and Channah’s responsibility to run over the stones every day, ensuring the stalks stayed wet until I decided they were ready.

Being back in the fields was good for me. With my body occupied, my mind was less busy, and feeling the earth beneath my fingers again helped my soul. I wasn’t built for sitting still. I knew what I was doing out here. I knew this was where I was meant to be. This was home.

Although I struggled to accept what he believed about the purpose of suffering, I began to hope there were glimmers of truth in what Havel had said about my family – that they had just been scared. If I stuck to what I was good at and proved myself again, maybe time would heal what was broken and we could all forget about last season. Perhaps Elohim had even listened to Havel’s prayer for me. If I continued to recover and nothing else disastrous happened, all might be well.

My injury improved substantially as the barley ripened yellow and its heads drooped towards the ground. I no longer had any traces of fever, and my shoulders had healed, leaving some scars but no pain. I could even put minimal weight on my bandaged foot as we began the busiest time of year: the grain harvest.

Whilst my health and mood improved, my heart missed Awan. Although she helped tying bundles of barley, we were so busy working we barely spoke beyond a simple exchange. I feared I’d displeased her, and there was no opportunity to see her alone.

One Shabbat morning, Awan and Havel came to my hut to remove my bandage. Havel placed his hand on my foot and prayed to Elohim as Awan began to unwrap it. As the sticks came loose, I swivelled my ankle and was relieved to find full movement had returned. The remaining linen came off, then Awan bathed my foot, wiping the last of the green poultice away. A strip of new flesh shone where the gash had been, but there was no sign of further discolouration or damage.

Awan grinned. ‘It’s a miracle.’

‘Much of your flesh had been eaten by worms when we got back from our journey. Your skin has grown and re-joined,’ Havel elaborated.

I lifted my leg slightly and pointed my toes, gazing down my leg. Then I lifted the other foot to compare it. The damaged foot was almost straight, if somewhat paler and shrivelled.

‘You explained previously what you did,’ I said to Havel. ‘But how did you know what to do?’

‘I followed Yahweh’s voice. I don’t think I could repeat it, so you may wish to stay away from the wolves next time.’ He laughed then stood. ‘Take it easy for a while; it’ll be weak at first.’

They left me alone to stare at my feet. He followed Yahweh’s voice. What did that mean? Had he heard the voice alone, or had others heard it? Had it been like the wind by the river or inside his head? I longed to know. Perhaps if Yahweh spoke to me, I would get the answers I needed.

Slowly, I got up and put weight on the naked foot. It was still tender and weak, but there was no shooting pain. I hobbled from the hut, using my crutch for support until I reached my chair.

That afternoon everyone seemed in high spirits, praising Elohim for my recovery and the beginnings of a successful harvest. Truly grateful for the healing, I joined in. Yet there was still some kind of barrier inside. It felt like Elohim was on one side of a cliff and I was on the other. Despite Havel’s odd ideas about bleating lambs, I was still too scared to cry out to his God. What if I did and heard nothing back?

After our meal, Awan commenced an upbeat song that set our toes tapping. Chayim beat a rhythm on the stool next to him. Shimon and Channah grabbed small bowls of grain, covering and shaking them in a gentle ra-ca-ca on the off-beat.

On the next chorus, Ima and Avigail got up to dance, moving around the glowing fire in time to the music, holding hands and laughing. They looked so alike – their long, dark hair flowing down their backs and hips swaying to the music. Abba gazed with pleasure at his wife displaying her beauty then rose and joined her, taking her firmly in his arms. He sank his lips onto her neck and she threw a giggle into the air.

Unconsciously, I locked eyes with Awan and held her gaze, willing her to join in the dance. Her voice faltered when she noticed me, then she looked away and carried on singing, staying in place. Instead, Havel joined, throwing himself around in wild movements like an animal, making the young twins laugh aloud. They lost the beat and Channah jumped up to join Havel. He swung her around as she shrieked with pleasure. Avigail grabbed Shimon and they galloped in circles.

As I laughed, I caught Awan’s eye again. She had been watching me. I smiled at her, observing the rise and fall of her chest as she sang. My gaze rose to her lips as she formed each word of the song, and I couldn’t tear it away, though I suspected it was unwise to watch her so.

As the song drew to a close, the dancers collapsed in a heap, filling the plain with laughter. I chuckled with them until Havel’s words shattered my pleasure.

‘When Awan and I marry, I shall force our children to dance every night!’

My chest constricted, his statement knocking the breath from my body.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

The merriment froze. All turned to look at me.

‘Why not?’ Havel still had laughter in his voice. ‘She’s my perfect companion. We’ve been together since before our birth. We understand each other.’

‘You have talked about this?’ My eyes flickered back to Awan. She was staring at the ground, a deep flush forming on her cheeks. ‘When? How?’ I stammered. Then I looked at Abba. ‘Is it even right that we marry our sisters?’

I loved my family. I especially cared for Awan and Chayim. I had recently felt a desire for Awan that had confused me, but I had not known until this moment that it could ever translate into the physical relationship my mother and father shared.

‘There is no one else on earth, Kayin! I hardly think there is an alternative.’ Abba chuckled, then glanced at Havel. ‘Actually, we consulted Elohim about this. He confirmed that joining between brother and sister is permitted in this generation alone. After that, your children should marry those further removed.’

‘We did? Meaning you and Havel – Elohim’s chosen one? What about me? Did anyone ask me what I thought of this? I am the eldest! Shouldn’t I be the first to marry?’ My voice was rising with panic.

Havel lifted a hand. ‘Kayin, nothing is settled yet. I was merely making a joke, an assumption—’

‘It’s a fair assumption,’ Ima chipped in, finally looking me square in the eyes. ‘To your father, I am bone of his bone, flesh of his flesh. Havel and Awan were also joined in creation, and they are well suited. They should wed.’

‘You may all choose a marriage partner from among your siblings,’ Abba continued, sweeping his arm around to placate me. Yet, I would not be so easily brushed off.

‘That’s what it sounded like. Havel will take what he wants, claiming the blessing of Elohim, and the rest of us will get what’s left!’ I rose, grasping my crutch, determined to get away. A new kind of pain was rising in my stomach and I couldn’t contain my fear-fuelled anger.

I stumbled towards the river, my lousy foot preventing me from making quick progress. I heard someone rise to follow me and grunted in frustration. Couldn’t they just leave me alone?

‘Kayin, I hate seeing you upset. I didn’t mean anything by what I said, and I had no idea it would affect you like this. Please tell me…’ He held onto my arms and looked up into my face, insisting on catching my eyes. ‘Do you love Awan? Want her for your wife?’

‘I said I don’t want to talk to you. Leave me alone!’ I pushed him out of the way and continued walking. This time he didn’t try to follow.

What a question to ask. I had little idea what I felt; I had barely thought of it until that night. How could he expect me to talk when I only just found out his intentions? All I knew was that the thought of Havel marrying Awan made me feel sick to my stomach. Besides, he had barely reached adulthood. What did he know of men and women? How was it possible he’d already consulted his Elohim about this?

As I neared the river, I pulled my tunic over my head and half-tripped into the water. Unwelcome tears fell from my eyes, and I cupped water into my hands to wash them from my face.

I had just begun to believe things could get better. I’d been content working in the fields – bringing in the harvest to share with the family. Doing what I was good at. I had started to trust Havel, entertaining the possibility that his prayer was genuine. I’d even hoped I was mistaken about everyone hating me. But now – now a profound sense of betrayal crushed my spirit. And I wasn’t even sure why.

Had I just messed everything up again? I shouldn’t have confronted Havel in front of everyone. I was just so shocked – the words had left my mouth before I’d realised it. And, once the question had been raised, there’d been no going back. But that assumption of his – that he could take whatever he wanted – infuriated me! I thought he’d changed, but he hadn’t. He still thought Awan his possession, just as he had when he was a boy.

My teeth started chattering uncontrollably, though at this time of year it wasn’t particularly cold in the river, even at night. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and rubbed my hands against the bare skin of my upper arms, trying to master my shocked body. When that didn’t work, I waded out of the water, not bothering to replace my tunic, and trudged back to my hut.

Everyone had retired to bed. I grabbed some wood and threw it onto the dying fire, then poked at it with a stick till it caught into flame. As my body warmed and dried, I considered my situation.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think. I loved Havel, but he already had the favour of the whole family. Why did he have to have Awan as well? All I could decide was that I must talk with my sister and find out her preference. Throwing my stick into the orange glow, I stood and retired to my bed, anticipating another restless night.