Wordlessly, Vincent took me through to the lounge, where he sat me down, wrapped a soft throw around my shoulders, then knelt in front of me, his arms enveloping me. He held me, the silence only broken by our breathing, no words needed or wanted.
I was numb. Void. Until slowly, with exquisite pain, an honesty unfurled inside me and I knew why I was there.
‘I need you,’ I whispered.
I felt his body flinch, before he eased back, to see my face, to check what he’d heard. He saw that he was right.
‘Shauna, you don’t. Oh God, I wish you did. I so wish you did.’
‘Vincent…’ I reached over, put my hand on his heart, felt it beating under my touch, fast, hard.
‘Don’t do this, Shauna. Not like this.’
I could hear what he was saying, but I wasn’t listening. ‘Please…’
‘No.’ It was soft, thick with sorrow. He ran his fingers through his hair, groaned, then touched my face. ‘I love you,’ he said simply, but he didn’t have to because right then I realized that I knew. Even before Carole told me. I’d always known. ‘I’ve been in love with you for so long I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t. But I don’t want it to be like this,’ he said. ‘Not when you’re vulnerable and hurt. It would feel… wrong. Like I was taking advantage of your pain. And I know… Don’t worry, I know. You love Colm. You always have. And I hate that he doesn’t see you, doesn’t know what he has.’
‘Vincent, please…’ I stopped, the words refusing to form.
He stood up. ‘I’m going to go to bed now, before either of us says or does something that can’t be undone. And tomorrow, we’ll pretend this never happened, smile and carry on like everything is fine. The way you do every day.’
Ouch, that last one stung, the puncture mark deeper because we both knew it was true.
I watched him go, then lay back, closed my eyes. He loved me. Right now, right here, I felt like he was the only one who did. My parents gave nothing. Annie was gone. Colm and I were in a warped existence where I no longer knew what was real and what was fake.
Vincent loved me. And just for tonight, no matter how selfish that made me, I needed to know what that felt like.
Without making a sound, I stood up, crossed the room, climbed the stairs, leaving behind a trail of clothing as I went. His bedroom door was open, and I saw him in the half light, lying in top of the bed, his head turning to me as he registered that I was there.
I walked to him, naked, raw, every nerve, every sense needing to touch him, lie with him, feel him next to me, inside me.
‘Shauna…’ he whispered, before I silenced him with the gentlest of kisses.
This time he didn’t say no.