I paced. Paced some more. Paced again. Fuck, how much pacing did a guy need to do? The hospital corridor stank of disinfectant and panic, the latter being all mine.
I’d tried to stay inside the delivery room but Shauna was screaming, in so much pain, and I couldn’t do it. I was there, back there, all those years ago, with Jess, and the screams were attacking me, ripping me apart.
I should have told Shauna about Daisy, the perfect, beautiful baby Jess and I lost. Of course I should have. But how? When? At what point do you say my wife and I split up because we lost our child and I couldn’t handle my wife’s grief, couldn’t be there for her, and the resentment between us grew until it suffocated our love. I could never pinpoint the right moment, so instead I just erased it from my history. The truth was I couldn’t tell anyone else because I was too busy lying to myself. Blocking it out. Today, I couldn’t lie. It was confronting me, right in my eyeline, front and centre in my world.
I couldn’t do it. Every time Shauna screamed, I was back there, excited, hopeful, with absolutely no idea that everything was about to implode. Jess and I had held Daisy for hours, this perfect, peaceful, beautiful little girl who’d never had the strength to take a breath. I’d told her everything about our hopes and dreams and the life we’d so wanted to have with her. And then we said goodbye.
The last time I lost my daughter and my wife and I couldn’t deal with the possibility of that happening again with Shauna. So yes, I’d tried to avoid the subject of having kids, tried to delay it in the hope that she’d change her mind or it just wouldn’t happen. The irony was that doing that to her nearly broke us anyway, yet I still couldn’t tell her. Couldn’t re-open the box that kept that nightmare contained.
But now I was reliving it, watching Shauna lying in that bed, in so much agony, no idea what was ahead, knowing the worst that could happen and I could lose everything again.
‘Colm, go for a walk,’ Shauna said, between gasps. ‘Babe, I love you, but I can’t look at that face any more. You look like it’s you who’s in pain.’ From her amused, sympathetic grin, I could see she thought I was just being typically me. Hopeless in emotional situations. Crap at dealing with drama. Switching off from anything resembling pain or suffering.
I did all of those things. It was who I was, but only because I knew just how bad it could be. So I left, went out into the corridor and I paced. One hour. Two hours. Every step anther stab of torment, of sheer terror that on the other side of that door, my whole world could be about to come crashing down.
‘Mr O’Flynn,’ the nurse said, her head popping out the door. ‘It’s almost time.’
She looked at me expectantly, but my legs wouldn’t move, my feet rooted to the spot.
‘Mr O’Flynn?’
I had to go, had to move, couldn’t miss this moment. I had to be with Shauna and if the worse happened…
‘Colm! Get. In. Here.’ Shauna was gasping, panting, yelling through gritted teeth.
I moved, one foot in front of the other, steady does it, keep going.
‘Right, Shauna,’ the midwife said, ‘Let’s meet your baby.’
No. Panic took a sledgehammer to my chest. I wasn’t ready for this.
The midwife was still speaking to Shauna. ‘I want you to push when I say. Okay?’
Shauna nodded, her blonde curls soaked, stuck to her pale, waxen skin. She’d never looked more beautiful. I stayed by her head, the view of what was happening at the other end blocked by her knees and gown. Her hand gripped mine, my knuckles cracking under the pressure. Even my frigging joints were spineless.
‘All right, Shauna, here we go. Now… push.’
The roar was deafening, blood-curdling, excruciating.
And then… nothing. Silence. Oh fuck. Not again. Not again. Not again.
The loop of thought was suddenly pierced by another wail, and there she was, full of life, being lifted towards us, placed on Shauna’s chest, skin on skin, still attached to her mama, arms and legs trembling as they felt the rush of air in her new world. A nurse quickly covered her with a blanket and she was quiet again, at peace, contented.
She breathed. One tiny breath after another. Every rise and fall of her chest making my heart thunder with the joy I couldn’t even describe.
‘Hey, little one,’ Shauna whispered, tears coursing down her face. ‘I’m your mum. And this is your daddy. He’s a bit of a weakling around hospitals, but you’ll love him.’
Laughter mingled with the tears as I leaned over and stroked my daughter’s face. ‘I have good points too, beautiful girl,’ I told her. ‘I’m great on a skateboard. I’ll be a pushover if you want anything. Anything at all.’
Anything. Because this time my girl had made it and I’d never stop being grateful.
Shauna’s smile couldn’t have been wider.
‘She’s perfect,’ I murmured. ‘Thank you.’ I had to clear the blockage in my throat before I continued. ‘You know what this means? You’re down the list. She’s number one in our house now.’
‘I think I can handle that.’
I knew she could. How many times had she told me that she could only be with a man who loved his child more than anything else in the world? She wanted to give our daughter the father she never had. Break the cycle.
I wouldn’t let her down. For the rest of my life I’d love and protect her, make her laugh and shoot any boyfriends that came to the door. I was going to stand by her side every day and never, ever leave her.
Shauna was gently stroking our daughter’s face, mesmerized by every line and curve. ‘What are we going to call her then?’
I’d refused to discuss it before now. I told her it was superstition, but I knew it was fear.
‘I don’t know,’ I said truthfully. ‘Any ideas?’
She carried on stroking that perfect face. ‘Tomorrow is Annie’s birthday.’
‘There could never be another Annie, m’darlin.’
‘I know. But Annie’s full name was Bethany. How about… Beth?’
‘Beth,’ I repeated, realizing immediately that it felt right. ‘Okay, Beth,’ I spoke to my daughter. ‘How do you like the sound of that? I’ll take silence as a yes.’
She didn’t make a sound.