Hope for Your Marriage

Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

— EPHESIANS 5:33

When we honor someone we give that person a highly respected position in our lives. Honor goes hand in glove with love, a verb whose very definition is doing worthwhile things for someone who is valuable to us.

— GARY SMALLEY

A Man Needs Respect and Honor

After reading many books and counseling many couples, we have concluded that a man’s number one need is respect or honor and a woman’s number one need is love or security. These are typically at the core of every man and woman.

Respect: admire [someone or something] deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements (Webster’s definition)

Honor: regard with great respect

When we started intensely working on our marriage, we were given the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. This book is based on Ephesians 5:33: “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Ashlee: Dr. Eggerichs said that “husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect.” Honestly, when I first read this, I was kind of annoyed by it. Why did I need to show respect to Clayton? He didn’t always deserve it. Did this mean I just sit back and do whatever he tells me to do with a “yes, sir” response? Well, to that idea I said in my best Italian–East Texas accent, “Fuhgettaboutit!”

But as I read Ephesians 5, I realized that the apostle Paul was describing marriage as a window into what the relationship with Jesus and the church is like, the husband as Jesus and the church as His bride. Marriage is basically a metaphor: a walking, breathing object lesson of how much God loves us.

When I think of honoring Jesus, it comes easy because I am so grateful for everything He has done for me. I want to pursue Him and learn everything I can about Him. Do I feel like I fail Him sometimes? Of course! Do I show Him disrespect sometimes? Unfortunately, yes. But I know through His grace and mercy He will always love me.

“How do I apply this to Clayton, Lord?” I prayed. “He’s certainly not Jesus. He does fail me.”

In my heart, I heard the Lord whisper back, “Honor him in everything.”

“But God, he doesn’t always deserve it. He is sometimes so rude to me. Or what about when he makes stupid decisions and I know it and I need to tell him so?”

The Lord replied, “Honor him where you want him to be, not where he is at.”

Ugh!

“Okay, God, I will try this.”

Men have an inner desire to succeed—in their jobs and especially in their families. Men need to know that their wives, above anyone else, respect them. Clayton told me he could handle anyone ridiculing him and saying harsh things to him—except for me. He said that when I ridiculed him or spoke harshly, it cut him to the core and he instantly felt like a failure. In fact, during our first five years of marriage, he felt so dishonored by me that he would spend more time at work than at home because he felt more honored there.

When he came home after work and wouldn’t talk to me, I would start in with snide comments such as, “Well, I guess I will go outside and talk to the cows, they have more to say, thank you.” Remember, we lived on a farm and we didn’t have neighbors or social media during that time.

I would get annoyed when people at church would tell me how funny and outgoing Clayton was at work and how much they loved working with him. Several people said, “If he is like this at work, I can’t imagine what he is like at home.” I would just smile and laugh and bite my tongue and think, Yeah, he’s a big fat jerk!

As I began trying to honor him, it wasn’t always easy, especially when we were trying to come to a decision and we didn’t agree. My first response had always been something like, “That’s not a good idea. Why can’t you see that?” But as I started honoring him, it changed him. He started rising to that place I desired him to be. He wanted to be home more. He talked to me more. The honor and respect I was now showing him caused him to cherish me more.

I also discovered that when I honor Clayton, it fills him with the confidence that he can do anything.

I’ll never forget the afternoon of Christmas Day 2010. We were at my parents’ house. My sister and I were watching a movie in the living room and all our relatives were in other rooms examining their new gifts. About an hour into the movie, I realized that I had not seen Clayton in a while. I asked my sister if she knew where he was and she said she thought she had seen him outside running. I was puzzled. Running from what? Clayton had never been one to go outside and run.

He later told me that while everyone was opening presents, he started thinking about turning forty the upcoming year and wanted to get in better shape. He had decided he was going to start running every day.

I laughed and said, “Okay, babe. Sounds good.”

I didn’t think much about it afterward, but when we returned home from the holidays, he continued every day with a running schedule. He was using the “Couch to 5K” app and was determined to run a 5K.

About two months after he started running, he had dropped quite a bit of weight and ran a 5K without stopping. I was so proud of him, but he didn’t want to stop there. He told me that his new goal was to run in the Houston marathon in January the following year.

I looked at him and almost choked on my dinner.

“A marathon? How far is that again?” I asked.

“26.2 miles,” he said.

“Do you run that all at one time? And you want to run this in ten months?” I asked, doubtfully.

“Yes,” he said.

I could tell my questions were frustrating him and I walked away.

About six months later, we were having dinner with some friends and one of them asked Clayton about his training for the marathon. By that time Clayton had registered and paid for the marathon and was diligently running every day. I, on the other hand, was concerned and still did not think it was such a great idea. He told our friend that he was registered, the training was going well, and he believed he would be ready.

I interrupted and said, “He does have the choice to run the full or half marathon. So, he could choose to run the half marathon if he wanted.”

I glanced over at Clayton and he looked down but not before I saw the disappointment on his face.

Immediately I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me, saying, “You’re right. Clayton will never be able to run the marathon, but it’s not because of the lack of ability. It’s because you don’t believe in him.”

That night when we got home I apologized for not respecting him. I told him I was 100 percent behind him and believed he could do it. Four months later Clayton finished the 2012 Houston marathon. Not only was I there, but I also invited some of our close friends to come and cheer him on. I had T-shirts printed with “Team Clayton” on them, and we made posters to hold up as he ran by.

It was challenging, but he said what kept him going was seeing all of us at each major milestone. He later told me that he never could have done it without me. He said everyone in the world could have told him he was crazy, but if I supported him, he knew he would finish.

Clayton: There is nothing more important to me than being treated in an honorable way. The opposite of this is true as well. There is nothing that gets under my skin more than being talked to or addressed in a dishonoring tone. Whether it is in the workplace or at home, honor is important. What’s crazy is that I can’t tell you why honor is so important to me, but it just is. After realizing this, I now appreciate even more how Ashlee chooses to show me honor whether I deserve it or not.

A Woman Needs Love and Security

Clayton: For Ashlee, security is as important as breathing. She constantly needs to be reassured that everything is going to be okay. Our relationship, our finances, our future, our kids, and the ministry we lead must be secure in her mind and heart daily. Insecurity in any area will have a negative impact on her. I don’t completely understand why security is so important to women, but because I know it’s important to Ashlee, it has become important to me.

While still trying to wrap my mind around this idea, I asked Ashlee, “Help me understand this. Is love more important to you or is security?”

Her answer set me back for a moment. “Clayton, I feel loved through security.”

Ashlee feels loved when I sit down with her, give her my undivided attention, and talk through all the things she is concerned about. When we talk through issues, Ashlee feels secure and her concerns are put at ease. The security and love she needs come from getting answers to the questions that are important to her. I finally learned that this isn’t a once a month or once a week discussion. This is something I try to do with her every day. When her needs are being met in this way, then she feels well loved.

When we sit down with couples to talk about their marriages, often we try to explain the importance of security. Usually the husband looks at us in disbelief and his wife bursts into tears. She has tried to explain her need for security to her husband and he didn’t get it. Now hearing it from someone else, there has been a release of emotions and pressure that had been penned up for some time.

Not long ago we sat down with a young couple who needed some help talking through a situation. The husband began to explain something that had happened, something he viewed as harmless but had learned that it was eating away at his new bride. He told us that a few months before our meeting he had gone out to lunch with a female sales rep for his company. It had been strictly professional, but he had failed to mention it to his wife.

His wife explained that she is not the jealous type and the problem was that he never told her. She only found out about it a few weeks later because she saw a social media post to her husband from a woman she didn’t know. It rocked her world. Her husband didn’t understand that his wife’s security had been shaken to the core—not because he had gone out to eat with another woman, but because he had failed to mention it. For weeks his wife lived in a constant state of insecurity, wondering what else he hadn’t shared with her.

Ashlee looked at this young man and asked, “Don’t you realize that security is as important to your wife as breathing?”

Then it happened. He looked startled and his wife began to cry. The husband understood for the first time the importance of security to his wife’s mind and heart. He turned to her and, with tears in his eyes, apologized and acknowledged that he had messed up, and then he asked her forgiveness. It was something beautiful to see.

Clayton: A few years ago, I began to reflect on the year that was ending. I was setting some new goals and wanted to begin a list of prayer requests to track throughout the coming year. My plan was to list each request and write down when God answered it. Then I could look back at everything God had done in me and for me as well as have a record of all the things he laid on my heart to pray for.

One of the items I listed at the beginning of that year was something I heard the Lord telling me to do. I didn’t hear it out loud, but he spoke deep in my heart. I wrote, “God, teach me to cherish Ashlee more than I did yesterday.” I prayed that each day I would cherish Ashlee by putting her needs before my own. I didn’t realize how much security this would provide Ashlee. As I cherished her, she felt more secure, which in turn filled her with love. What God laid on my heart to do for my wife had a lasting impact on both of us.

Ashlee: I have learned that although I need Clayton to provide security within our marriage, he can’t be my only source of security. Jimmy and Karen Evans lead a worldwide ministry called MarriageToday, with a weekly program reaching more than 100 million homes. Jimmy said, “Your husband is a great Clayton, but he makes a terrible Jesus.” When he said that, I realized that I sometimes find myself putting Clayton in this position—looking to him to meet all my needs and basically setting him up for failure because that’s an impossible task and one only Jesus can fulfill. I usually find myself with these false expectations when I am not spending time with God.

Lessons from Astronauts

May 25, 1961, President John F. Kennedy gave a historic speech before a joint session of Congress. He told Congress that the goal of the United States would be landing astronauts on the moon within the decade and returning them safely to Earth. Tens of thousands of NASA employees were hired along with hundreds of thousands of contractors.³ This became one of the biggest headlines of the decade. All eyes were on NASA and the men chosen to be astronauts. There was tremendous pressure on these men as they traveled to Florida for training and then across the country to promote the space program.

What happened to their marriages astounds me: of these thirty men, only seven remained married after their time in the space program ended.

Ashlee: I was shocked when I read that for the first time. I started researching the astronauts and their wives. One could assume that they led exciting lives. They all became instant celebrities. The men were pursuing their dreams of blazing the way into space and their wives were having tea with Jackie Kennedy and attending high society galas. I thought, How exciting and fun! What could have gone wrong to destroy these marriages? Lily Koppel wrote the following in her book The Astronaut Wives Club: A True Story:

The astronaut wives were ordinary housewives, most all of them military wives living in drab housing on Navy and Air Force bases. When their husbands, the best test pilots in the country, were chosen to man America’s audacious adventure to beat the Russians in the space race, they suddenly found themselves very much in the public eye. As her husband trained for every possible aspect of spaceflight, each woman had to prepare for the day when she would have to face the television cameras, when the world would be scrutinizing her hair, her complexion, her outfit, her figure, her poise, her parenting skills, her diction, her charm, and most of all, her patriotism. She had to appear calm and composed while her husband was strapped to the top of what was essentially the world’s largest stick of dynamite, seconds away from being blasted off into space.⁴

Lily goes on to say that the wives couldn’t turn to their husbands for help with these pressures because they were too busy training. Can you imagine the lack of security these women were experiencing? Not only were they bombarded with fame, but they didn’t know if their husbands would come home safely each day. In addition, many of the astronauts were having affairs.

Astronaut Charlie Duke wrote in his book Moonwalker:

With the work overload of trying to get a man on the moon by 1970, marriages were strained in the whole NASA community. There had never been a divorce in the astronaut office. After all, we were all-American guys—no one ever had any problems. It was thought that a divorce was death to your career and a chance to fly in space. But slowly and quietly the cracks were beginning to appear. I increased my efforts at work determined to do as good a job as possible and let my wife and family take a backseat. Little did I realize what consequences would come from that decision, and that the cracks forming in our marriage would bring us to near disaster.⁵

Charlie was the tenth man to walk on the moon, and after he left the space program he asked himself how he would ever top that. When he traveled to talk about what it was like to walk on the moon, he told his audiences that walking on the moon had been the greatest experience of his life. His honor was totally wrapped up in the space program, and his wife didn’t feel loved by him and her security had been rocked. She became extremely depressed and even contemplated suicide.

Dotty wrote:

There were rumors of husbands running around on their wives, but we didn’t talk about that. It was understood that divorce would ruin an astronaut’s chance to fly, so indiscretions were kept discrete. Every wife had to deal with the knowledge that her husband was a hero and considered prize game by good-looking women wherever he went. Whether he was gone or at home, I felt alone. His career was the most important thing in his life, and I knew it.⁶

You are probably thinking they were one of the many astronaut couples who divorced, but theirs was in fact one of the seven marriages that survived. They explained in their book that when they both found Jesus and accepted Him as their Savior, that saved their relationship. Charlie wrote:

As the Holy Spirit began to speak to my heart about my sins, the burden of them did become intolerable. He said, “Charlie, the problem with your marriage is you. You don’t love Dotty the way you should.” I knew this was true. My love for Dotty had been dead for years. Now the Lord was telling me to love her as He loves the church. This was a 100 percent love. I repented and asked God to forgive me. I went to Dotty and told her I was sorry for all the troubles and problems and hurts I brought into her life, and that I was going to try to be the husband God wanted me to be. Then I ask God to help me love her the way he does. Together Dotty and I dedicated our marriage to the Lord. It wasn’t instant, but God has resurrected a marriage and love that was dead.⁷

We cannot express to you how important it is for a man to love his wife in a way that brings her security and for a woman to honor and respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 is the foundation for a strong marriage that lasts a lifetime. If you are in the valley of dry bones, this is your first step out of the valley.

GOING FURTHER

It is so important to realize that you and your spouse are both on the same team—if your spouse wins, you both win. Every man desires honor and every woman longs for security. When you wake up each day, try to think of ways you can show honor to your husband or provide ways to make your wife feel secure.

Talking Points

1. Ask your wife, “Can you explain to me why love and security are so important to you? Is there anything I can do to help you feel more secure within our marriage?”

2. Ask your husband, “Help me understand why honor and respect are so important to you. How can I help you feel more respected within our marriage?”

3. Share with your husband a time when he helped you feel secure.

4. Give your wife an example of a time when she filled you with honor and respect.