Silence isn’t golden and it surely doesn’t mean consent, so start practicing the art of communication.
— T. D. JAKES, LET IT GO: FORGIVE SO YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN
Processing Information
Communication: noun | com·mu·ni·ca·tion | a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (Webster’s Dictionary)
The way in which men and women communicate is so different. Sometimes the way we process information can be the cause of miscommunication and frustration with each other.
We have learned how important it is to ask questions about how we each process information. In asking these types of questions, you will start to gain valuable insight into how your spouse deals with the information they receive. The challenge is that it may not make any sense to you. Your spouse probably doesn’t process information the same way you do, so it seems weird.
“Why do you think that way?”
“I don’t understand why you would ever think like that!”
These are some of the things you might hear in our home when we are trying to work through a misunderstanding. We often have to reassure each other that it’s okay if we don’t process information the same way. What’s important is that we are communicating.
The Number One Issue for Couples
As we began our new roles within the Marriage and Parenting ministry at Lakewood Church, we didn’t want to assume that we knew what the biggest needs were in marriages. We knew that every couple and relationship would have its own hurdles. In our early years there were numerous issues we faced but the biggest one for us was communication. There wasn’t a lack of communication but there was a lack of effective communication. So we set out to see if other married couples faced the same challenges.
Within the first few weeks of our new roles, we decided to do some research and e-mail more than fourteen thousand anonymous surveys to couples in our congregation. One of the questions on the survey simply asked to rank what each couple’s greatest needs or issues were from greatest to least. Options included topics such as intimacy, communication, and finances. The response was shocking, to say the least. The surveys told us we were not alone in the struggle of communication. In fact, 98 percent of the surveys we received said that the number one issue in their marriage was communication! The remaining 2 percent must have been newlyweds because they claimed not to have any issues.
Different Styles of Communication
Clayton: When we were first married, to say that our communication was lacking would have been a severe understatement. We were so different in how, when, and where we conveyed information. Many times Ashlee would already be home at the end of the day when I finally arrived. There were times I would sit in the car for just a little while after getting home because I knew I was about to face an interrogation. It seemed that as soon as my key opened the door, Ashlee was there to greet me, always with a barrage of questions.
As a guy, my communication style was simple. I had always shared things in the same way I wanted to hear things. I would present Ashlee with the details in very quick and concise “bullet points.” Ashlee, on the other hand, was all about the details. I mean all the details. Things like “Where did you eat today? How was the food? Why did you get fries instead of a salad? How did your food taste? Was it hot in the restaurant, because the last time I was there it was hot? Who all was there with you? What did you talk about? How did that make you feel? And how did they respond to that? What were their facial expressions exactly?”
Usually that was the drill and it was as if she asked all those questions without even taking a breath or without letting me begin to answer. It was so frustrating. I felt overwhelmed and I felt like a failure. I was having a hard time remembering all the questions she was asking.
As the questions flowed, I would start to shut down. It was almost as if I had become the star witness on trial and she was cross-examining me to see if my story matched up with the facts. We continued to live like this for years. There were days I didn’t want to go home. I was tired and didn’t have the energy to be ambushed with myriad questions. Ashlee felt hurt and abandoned because I would only slowly relinquish the facts of my day and refused to offer up any details. (Even as I write this portion of the book, she is adding in more details to this story.)
With time we realized that this type of communication wasn’t effective for either of us. Ashlee understood that she needed to give me some time and space when I got home from work. I needed ten to fifteen minutes to just relax. That time gave me the ability to release everything I had been carrying that day.
I recognized that Ashlee wasn’t putting me on trial. She really wanted to know about every detail of my day. She had missed me and wanted to feel as though she was a part of every experience I had that day. And I will be honest, there were days after I relaxed that I still did not feel like hashing out my day with her, but I also had to get to the point where Ashlee’s needs were more important than how I felt. Meeting her needs each day was one of my top priorities, and communication was one of her top needs.
A Look Behind the Curtain
We had the opportunity to travel with some of the Lakewood staff to Australia. Our time there was life changing, but the fifteen-hour flight over was a different story. After we had been flying for a while, the flight attendants came through the aisles to pick up the dinner service. Then the inflight movie began (we were on an older plane that had TVs in each section instead of in front of each seat). We were a little disappointed we weren’t on a plane that provided individual screens so we could choose what we wanted to watch, but we were happy there was a pretty good selection of movies. The first movie was an adaptation of The Wizard of Oz called Oz the Great and Powerful. After it was over, we agreed it was an okay movie and we were geared up for the next one to play as we still had about twelve hours left of our flight.
As the movie started we noticed that it was Oz the Great and Powerful playing again. A flight attendant checked into the problem and discovered that the airplane’s entertainment computer was malfunctioning and could not figure out how to switch to another movie or how to stop the movie from playing. I think we endured that movie six more times before we finally landed in Sydney—and believe me, we never wanted to see that movie again.
There was one scene in the movie that replayed again and again in our minds. It was the one in which the characters finally see the truth behind the curtain and are shocked to realize that the all-powerful Oz was not the person they had believed he was. We discussed how similar it would be for married couples if they were able to look behind the curtain of their spouses’ minds to see how differently from them they processed information.
After talking to many married couples, we have found that one of the most frustrating things in marriage is misunderstanding how or why a spouse thinks the way he or she does. Men often expect their wives to think about things the same way they do and vice versa.
We discussed what each other’s brains are like and following is what we came up with.
Women’s Brains Are Like Wires Behind a TV
Clayton: Ashlee told me that if I could “look behind the curtain” of her brain, I would see cables, wires, plugs, and connectors crisscrossing to every component. She told me it would be something like what I see when I look behind the TV in our entertainment center. Everything is connected and everything is plugged into a power source so that everything is on all the time. Each wire or cable represents a thought and these thoughts are constantly racing through her brain and can overlap. She is always thinking about something or about multiple things at the same time.
I would like to talk to the men about this description. You can visualize the mess behind your entertainment center, right? The wires crisscrossing back and forth making sure every component is connected to the other. I can picture the entertainment center in our home and there are so many wires and connections to every box, game, DVD, and TV. This is the perfect picture of your wife’s brain.
Has your wife ever asked you a question that had nothing to do with the conversation you were currently in? In fact, the question had no relevancy to the last three conversations you had?
Ashlee asked me a question once and I finally got up the nerve to try to peek behind the curtain. I said, “Sweetheart, where did that question come from?”
I knew I might be in trouble when I heard her response: “Are you sure you want to know?”
She proceeded to tell me she had been thinking about something that happened last week, then that reminded her of something from college, which reminded her of a smell she remembered from her childhood. This went on for a while until finally arriving at the current question.
I was shocked! Behind the curtain of your wife’s brain are wires that connect to everything from the moment she was born until now. And it continues to grow. That’s why your wife asks you questions sometimes that have nothing to do with anything that is happening in the moment and she is expecting you to switch gears and have a conversation about this topic as easily as she can.
Men’s Brains Are Like a Well-Organized Storage Facility
Ashlee: “My brain is simple and uncluttered.” This is how Clayton described his brain to me. He told me if I were to look behind the curtain of his brain I would see a large, well-organized storage facility. Inside this facility are storage rooms and inside each room are boxes and each box is labeled with a thought or memory and none of the boxes touch each other.
“My thoughts don’t lay on top of or touch other thoughts,” he said. “Oh, and I have a favorite box.”
“A favorite box?” I asked. “How do you have a favorite box? What does that even mean? Has it always been your favorite box? Is this box bigger than the other boxes? What color is this box?”
Before I got too far in my interrogation, he stopped me and exclaimed, “It’s called the Nothing Box!”
“The Nothing Box?” I said, with a confused look on my face. “What is in the Nothing Box?”
Clayton paused for a moment and gave me another confused look and yelled, “Nothing!”
“How is that possible? You can’t think about nothing,” I said.
“Oh, yes, you can,” Clayton grimaced and said, “and it’s a wonderful box to be in.”
“That’s impossible!” I said.
“You know all those times you asked me what I was thinking about and I said nothing?” he asked.
I said, “Yes, and you were lying to me.”
“No, I wasn’t,” he said. “It’s the honest truth. I can literally think about nothing.”
Ladies, I know you are thinking the same thing I am, that Clayton and your husbands are lying, but I have now read this in several books and have talked to other men who will concur that this is in fact true. Men can think about nothing. We have to take them at their word because it is absolutely impossible for us to do. This was such an eye-opening thing for me to learn. Many times I became frustrated with Clayton when he told me he was thinking about nothing. I used to think he simply didn’t want to talk to me, and it hurt my feelings.
When Two Brains Collide
In general terms, every marriage begins the same way. Two people who are running their individual races choose to merge their lives. We decide to merge our friends, families, and lifestyles. We are saying that we desire to merge everything. For some of us this is a great idea and there should not be any problems at all. In fact, we both assumed that the other would just see that our way was the best way and that would be that.
When we say the merging of everything we mean everything. There was a discussion at one point in our marriage about how we would fold our bath towels. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but when a certain way has always been your normal and someone wants you to change, it can be a little difficult. This may seem silly but we had a small argument on how we would fold towels. It seems insignificant now but it was a big deal then. It was as if we were staking claim to something significant and neither of us wanted to budge. After all, it would mean that our mothers folded their towels wrong, right? We didn’t want our moms to be wrong.
This merging is like what we encounter when we drive cars. We can be going down a road and everything seems fine. Then we come to a yield sign and begin the merging process. There’s give and take. If we don’t give way to the other person, there will be a collision. Our marriages are a lifetime of yielding and submitting to each other. We choose to love each other and decide that the person is more important than the position.
How each of us processes information has provided some of the biggest opportunities for collisions in our marriage. Each of us have our “normal” way of processing information. Neither is right and neither is wrong, they are just different. Often we arrive at the same conclusion. But there have been times when we have become frustrated in trying to merge together toward a given issue. We have looked at each other and said things like, “I don’t understand why you would think that way!”
One of us will look at the other and say, “It’s okay. It’s just how God made me.”
There are times when our brains collide in that way. When this happens, we need to begin the yielding process and decide what is best for us and what is best for our family.
Strong Roots
Communication within a relationship is like the root system of a tree. The roots are the tree’s source of water and nutrients. When a tree has a strong and thriving root system, the leaves and branches of the tree are healthy and whole. The root system also gives a tree its core of support when storms come. With strong roots, the tree may sway back and forth, but it won’t break or be uprooted.
As we have pointed out, our root system early on was in bad shape. Our roots were primarily running on top of the ground. Our communication was all surface. We weren’t open and vulnerable with each other. Because of the pain we caused each other, there were no tender moments that allowed us to go deep in our talks. We may have looked good from the outside but one good gust of wind would have toppled us.
Something was wrong, but we didn’t know what it was or how to fix it. There were probably times where we didn’t want to fix the problem. We assumed that everyone had the same issue and so we just had to put up with it.
God had so much more in mind than we ever thought would be possible. When we became open and vulnerable with each other, our communication grew stronger and our marriage got healthier. We began to love and care for each other.
Paul said, “Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong” (Ephesians 3:17 NLT).
God tells us what will happen with our roots as we place our trust in Him. We get stronger and we get a greater glimpse of the love God has for us. We believe the same kind of thing happens when you open your heart to your spouse. When we fully trust our spouses with the secret places of our hearts, our roots get stronger and our marriages get healthier.
Timing and Delivery
Effective communication is the secret to achieving a deep connection with each other. It’s not something we are born with, but it’s something that can be learned. It’s also something that you should keep working on throughout your marriage. The better your communication becomes, the stronger your marriage will be.
We have become much better at effectively communicating with each other. Even though we are out of our deep valley, we regularly work on our communication skills. Sometimes we discover new ways to communicate and there are other times when we figure out how not to communicate. One of the best tips we can give you is to remember that successful communication always begins with good timing and delivery.
Clayton: I remember a Friday morning when Ashlee taught me the importance of timing and delivery. Our girls were off to school and we were relaxing at the house. Most Fridays we have the day off together since we work on Sundays and this was one of those wide-open days when we had no big plans. We had just finished breakfast and were enjoying our coffee. Ashlee took a deep breath and said, “Clayton, I need to share something with you, but I don’t want you to get mad at me.”
In a nanosecond, I had a choice to make. I could graciously receive what she was about to tell me or I could immediately put up my defenses. I had the feeling that I must have said or done something wrong. I paused, took a deep breath, and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”
Ashlee began: “Well, remember last week when we went back home to visit our parents? There were times when we were at my parents’ house that you responded rather harshly toward my mom. I don’t think you meant to, but how you came across was mean and hurtful.”
A part of me was hurt that she had to have this conversation with me to begin with. Another part of me hated that she felt that she had to set me up with the “I don’t want you to be mad at me.” But there was another part of me that was grateful. I was grateful I had a wife who loved me enough to point out one of my blind spots.
Ashlee could have immediately confronted me when it happened. Early on in our marriage we probably both had responded that way—too quickly. We would have pointed out each other’s flaws in a much less tactful way. Fortunately, we have learned from some great resources and yes, also through our mistakes. We now realize that the job of husband or wife comes with the important responsibility of handling each other with great care.
As a spouse, you have been entrusted with the most intimate details of another person’s life. It is important to guard and protect your knowledge. It can be challenging to lay down your pride and choose to be vulnerable. If you want to effectively communicate, the way you deliver sensitive information is very important.
Believe the Best, Don’t Assume the Worst
We used to regularly fall into the trap of assuming what the other might be thinking. We didn’t know if our assumptions were true or false. Regardless, because we made those assumptions, we didn’t talk things through or ask questions. We thought our assumptions were valid.
Clayton: I remember times when I assumed that Ashlee had no feelings toward me at all. I reached that conclusion because I assumed I understood the meaning of certain looks or actions. My thoughts would grow and literally consume me: Well, if Ashlee feels that way, then fine. Two can play that game!
I remember having conversations with Ashlee in my mind. She had no idea about them because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing about the “arguments.” They were so real to me then but I know now they had no value and in fact diminished our relationship. It made all the difference when I began having real conversations with Ashlee rather than those that took place solely in my mind.
Feelings are real—and powerful.
GOING FURTHER
Communication is the lifeblood of any successful relationship. Effective communication is critical to learning and growing. The longer you are in a relationship, the more intentional you should be in your communication. Each day make it a priority to work on how, when, where, and why you communicate. Don’t make it a struggle for your spouse to gather information from you each day; instead choose to be generous and open with your communication.
Talking Points
1. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = lowest; 10 = highest), what score would you give your communication within your marriage relationship?
2. Ask your spouse for three things you could do to become a better communicator.