Hope for Your Marriage

Let this be written for a future generation,

that a people not yet created may praise the LORD.

— PSALM 102:18

The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.

— BILLY GRAHAM

When we were approached about writing a book on marriage, our first response was something like, “Who, us?” We had been married for a little more than twenty years and felt like we had learned a lot, but we didn’t have any kind of degree in this area. We love helping couples and sharing with them the mistakes we have made, but we don’t consider ourselves marriage experts. Before we married we were quick to offer marriage advice or talk about what we thought a great marriage should be like. Twenty years later we know we will be learning for the rest of our lives how to have a great marriage. We got on our knees and prayed for God’s peace and for Him to give us the words as we began writing.

About midway through our writing journey we came across a scripture that set us at ease. “Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord” (Ps. 102:18).

We realized that our story and the other stories included in Hope for Your Marriage are to help this generation and the ones to come. We realized that the hope for our children’s marriages begins at home, when they are still young. We don’t want our children to make the same mistakes that we made. “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures” (Prov. 24:3–4).

We want our house to be built on wisdom and we need to pass that wisdom on to our children, so they can pass it on to their children and so on. What a tragedy it would be for God to work a miracle in someone’s life that he or she didn’t share with others.

This is our story of what God has done for us and for many others. This is our testimony of God’s faithfulness in our marriage, and oh, how we have prayed for you who are reading this book right now, that something we have written will help you in some way.

Your Story Matters

We want to assure you that your story matters as well. Someone needs to hear your story. People need to be encouraged by what God has done in you and in your marriage. You may feel as though you haven’t got it all figured out yet and that is perfect! Just be willing to share your story with your children, your friends, and even with strangers as opportunities present.

We can assure you that there is hope for your marriage. As you are willing to do whatever it takes to have the marriage you have always dreamed of, God will begin to work in you and through you to do His great pleasure. He will open doors and set up divine appointments so that you can tell your story and give God all the credit. One of our favorite scriptures is 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” The Lord loves using weak people because He then gets all the credit and others see what He can do and how much He loves us.

Words for a Couple About to Be Married

From Clayton to the Groom

Hello, just wanted to take a few minutes to encourage you. You and I probably don’t know each other and it might not have been your choice to read this book. If you will indulge me for a few minutes, I want to help you prepare for your marriage in the hopes that you and your bride will enjoy an amazing, fulfilling, lifelong relationship! These are some of the things I wish someone had told me before I got married.

After you marry, you might have an overwhelming urge to fix every problem that presents itself. If you want to fix things around your house or your apartment, that’s great. But remember that your wife may not want you to be her personal Mr. Fix It. This was a problem for me early on, and, honestly, I still struggle with this.

When Ashlee told me about troubles she was having on her job or in other areas of her life, I assumed she wanted me to come to her rescue. But she didn’t want my help. Your wife may be different, but if I had to make a wager, I would bet she is a lot like my wife. A few years into our marriage, Ashlee told me, “Please quit trying to fix my problems and just listen to me!”

(We discussed this in length earlier in the book. Ashlee explained how she felt I must think she was inadequate when I kept trying to fix everything for her.)

I promptly replied, “Well, quit telling me all your problems!”

I admit that wasn’t the smartest thing to say. My advice is that when your wife comes to you with her problems, just simply respond, “Honey, I’m so sorry you are facing this. I just want you to know that I am here for you and I’m ready to listen. Together, we can get through this!” Your wife needs to be reminded that you are by her side.

The next thing may seem a little far out there but please trust me on this one. Whatever you did to win your bride, make sure you continue to do those things after you marry. Continue calling or texting her and asking her out for date nights. Open doors for her and pull out her chair. Without saying a word, you are telling her that she is cherished and valuable. (Remember how we stopped having long conversations after we were married and how disappointed Ashlee was?)

Whatever you do, don’t ever let anything come between you and your daily time with God. Each day set time aside to pray for your wife. Allow God to speak to you through His word. Remember you have a job to do: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). We are called to love our wives sacrificially just as Jesus loved the church. That simply looks like a husband who is willing to lay down his pride, his rights, and his will for his wife. When husbands do this, it’s easy for wives to do their part, which is also mentioned in Ephesians 5. It’s our job as husbands to set the standard by submitting to God and His will for our lives.

From Ashlee to the Bride

I remember being so stressed out in the days leading up to our wedding. I wanted everything to be perfect. This seems to be true for all the brides-to-be we counsel. There is always so much to be done before the big day and sometimes there is added family drama that makes it even more challenging. (Remember our discussion about fairy-tale weddings?) One of the sweetest and most beautiful weddings I ever attended was my sister Lauren’s. My brother and I got married at very young ages, but it took my sister a little longer to find her beloved.

Lauren and Louis: March 13, 2015, at the age of thirty-one, Lauren said, “I do,” and what a precious ceremony it was. She and Louis were married outdoors in a very beautiful place in East Texas, surrounded by big trees and pasture areas. That day, however, had all the makings of a disaster. The forecast that morning was heavy rain and cold temperatures. I was stressed for her, continually asking my mom what was plan B. There wasn’t a strong plan B, but my sister never seemed worried. She told me later that she was confident in what God would do that day and it brought her peace.

It rained a lot that morning but cleared up about an hour before the wedding. We were grateful, but it was still cold and there were mud puddles where she would be standing during the ceremony. She wore a simple, but beautiful, white lace dress with a train. And as she walked toward Louis her train started getting muddy, but she didn’t care and he didn’t either. Their eyes were locked on each other and tears were streaming down Louis’s face.

They had decided that during the ceremony they would wash each other’s feet to represent what Jesus did for His disciples. It was also their way of demonstrating how they would humble themselves in marriage. Lauren’s turn to have her feet washed came first, and when I saw the mud puddle Louis was kneeling in to wash her feet, I stood by my sister as her matron of honor and thought, Oh no! She can’t do this. No! Don’t do this, Lauren. Your dress will be ruined! Where she would be kneeling was right beside the groomsmen, so I thought, Okay, they will pick up her train when she starts to kneel. Surely, they will do that. Well, do you think they did that? Of course not.

I kept trying to get their attention with facial expressions. If looks could kill, every one of those groomsmen would be dead. Not one of them helped her. As she knelt to wash Louis’s feet, her train was drenched in a sea of mud. I was mortified for her and desperately tried to figure out what to do. Lauren, however, could not have cared less. All she cared about was marrying Louis and her focus was all on him. I couldn’t concentrate on the rest of the ceremony; all I could do was look at her dress and think about how disappointed Lauren would be when she saw how muddy it was.

After the ceremony, Clayton walked up to me, his face red from crying. I asked if he was okay. He said, “Ashlee, that was one of the most beautiful wedding ceremonies I have ever seen.”

“What?! But didn’t you see all the mud on her dress?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “But I was so focused on the ceremony that I didn’t really think about it. Everyone around me was crying because of the sacrificial innocence and vulnerability they were exposing to everyone. You could definitely sense the presence of God over them.”

“Really?” I said. “I was so focused on her dress and the mud and wanting to knock the groomsmen over the head with my bouquet that I missed it.”

I missed it.

I was so caught up in what I thought was a disaster that I missed what God was doing. Bride, I say this to you: let those details go. Just enjoy the moment, enjoy the day, and go on to enjoy your lives together. Don’t get caught up in things not always going the way you planned. Don’t let the disappointments of life blur your eyes and heart to what God is trying to do in your marriage and in your life. My sister danced and laughed the entire evening. She did not care about her muddy dress. She only cared about enjoying the moment she had been waiting for since she was a little girl and about making precious memories with Louis and her friends and family.

I would also say to a new bride, honor your husband in everything. Honor him even when he doesn’t deserve it. Sometimes the only way to do that is with God’s help. Spend time in prayer every day asking God to help you honor your husband in everything. Don’t speak poorly of your husband, especially to your mom. Your mom is probably your mother bear and will always want to protect her little cub, but complaining to her about your husband has the potential to lead to heartache and hurt your marriage.

Your husband is most likely a Mr. Fix It man. If you tell him about something you are going through, he is most likely going to want to fix it. But you might want him to just listen. Tell him that. Men don’t know that sometimes we just like to share what we’re facing and only want a hug and for you to tell us it’s going to be okay. Even to this day, before I tell Clayton about something I am going through, I let him know if I want him to just listen or if I want him to fix it. He loves that!

Words for Someone Who Has Been Married for a While

We would love to encourage you to tell your story. There are many couples who could gain from your experience. Invest in the next generation by helping them find hope for their marriages. Many younger couples are looking for people who are further along on the marriage journey. They can learn from your triumphs and your tragedies. Your story doesn’t have to be perfect; it just needs to be authentic. We meet couples at different stages of their marriages who are looking for mentors.

You may feel the same as we did early on in our marriage. Maybe you aren’t sure how you got there, but now that you have been married for a few years, you find yourselves in the bottom of a valley of dry bones. We can tell you that you aren’t alone and there is hope for your marriage! Don’t give up! Begin to declare hope just as Ezekiel did over those dry bones.

Talk with your spouse and invite him or her out on a date and begin to pursue each other again. Find a good marriage counselor or a pastor and talk through some of the issues that you are facing. Pray with your spouse each day. Your prayer time doesn’t have to be long and drawn out but needs to be heartfelt.

Decide to do one thing today that will breathe life back into your marriage. After you do that, get ready to do something else tomorrow, and the next day, and so on until you begin to see your marriage transforming.

Hope is available for all marriages. Begin small but stay consistent. Before long you will be writing your own book to help others!

It’s Never Too Late

Clayton: When Ashlee and I began dating, we each had great expectations of what we wanted in a spouse. We both agreed on the importance of family. Our families had played a huge role in developing our views and character. She has an amazing mother and father who have taught her what love and commitment is all about. They set the bar high.

We have learned so much from them over the years. They model the importance of keeping God at the center of each of their hearts and at the center of their marriage. They make it a priority to pray together every day regardless of how busy they are. They didn’t start out that way, but they have taken courageous steps over the years to get to a healthy place in their marriage.

Growing up, family was everything to me. God always played a vital role in our family. My parents met during high school, playing Mary and Joseph in a live nativity at their local church. Jesus was in the center of that nativity scene then and He still is at the center of their relationship more than fifty years later. Looking back over the years, I remember always being involved in church and watching my parents read their Bibles regularly.

My parents have always had a good marriage—not a perfect marriage, but definitely good. I think back to that time when they were courageous enough to both identify areas they needed to work on in their relationship and I admire them so much for doing that. Throughout the years they have continued to listen to teaching tapes, read books, and attend conferences to grow in their marriage. You would think after fifty-plus years of marriage they would be coasting into their golden years.

On their fifty-fifth wedding anniversary, instead of going on a once in a lifetime trip to celebrate, they wanted to attend our Spark marriage conference at Lakewood Church. We told them it was okay, they didn’t have to come just to support us. And they told us, “We realize that but we are coming to grow in our marriage. Once we stop learning, we stop growing.” We got to honor them that evening of the event in front of thousands of people. It was a night I will never forget.”

My dad took another courageous step a few years ago. Before I tell you what that step was, let me tell you a little about Dad. I was like most boys who wanted to be like their fathers. There was no one I wanted to hang out with more than my dad. When I was three years old I would go into his room and get one of his T-shirts to wear to bed. We would often take his old, white VW bug and drive to the local donut shop on Saturday mornings.

My dad has been my hero for as long as I can remember, but he wasn’t perfect. He grew up as an only child with parents who loved him but showed their affection in different ways. For example, it was normal for his dad not to hug him. His dad showed love and affection by working hard to provide for their family, so it was “normal” for my dad to show his love and affection in the same way. (Remember discussing the different “normals” we all grew up with?)

My dad was a banker and worked diligently to provide for our family. My dad didn’t always want to throw the ball around with me outside, but he made sure that I was well taken care of and that I was brought up in a loving home committed to God and a strong work ethic. He would tell me that he loved me but it was only after I told him, and it was always a little awkward for him.

As I have grown older and become a dad myself, there is still no one I look up to more than my father. My father has quietly and constantly shown me how to be a man of integrity and a man after God’s own heart. The story I am about to share with you is something that has solidified my father’s hero status for life. It may not seem like much to you, but it was the most impactful thing my dad ever did for me. At the age of seventy-two, my dad took the time to write my brother, sister, and me each a letter. He personalized them and I’m not sure what he told the others, but what he shared with me shook me to my core.

When I first received the letter, I didn’t think that much about it. Since it had my parent’s address and looked so formal, I knew immediately it must be from my dad. As I mentioned before, my dad was a banker and a very organized man. I thought maybe he was sending information on their next trip as he always does, complete with an agenda of daily activities and phone numbers listed in case of an emergency.

As I began to read, I quickly realized that this was no such agenda. This was a personal letter to me from my dad, something I had never received before. Tears began to fill my eyes as I started reading this letter written with honesty and love. Here is a small portion of what was written.

Dear Clayton,

Recently, the Lord has impressed on me the need to write each of you children a letter about how proud I am and how much I love you. Clayton, you are an outstanding husband, father, and pastor. Your influence on the lives of so many will not be known here on earth. God has given you a great responsibility as well as opportunity. It makes me feel so proud of you to see all you are doing.

I have loved you from that first day they put you in my arms at Good Shepherd Hospital back in 1971. I felt so lucky to have another son in our family. And I will always remember your wedding because Ashlee is exactly who you needed and I am so happy to call her my daughter-in-law.

Needless to say, we all have made our share of mistakes, but that is the way we have to learn many lessons in life. I know you remember the sermon we both heard about being a diamond and how God is always trimming off the rough edges. Sometimes it seems that we have to go through some of the same situations over and over before God finally gets our attention. I guess we all grow up just doing things like our parents. My dad never really expressed his pride or love for me, although I think he loved me. That was my example, but I thought it was time I corrected that. Of all the things I have in my life, I am most proud of all my children.

I love you,

Dad

By the time I finished this letter I was doing the ugly cry. I was so grateful that my dad was willing to take a courageous step and send me this letter. He taught me something valuable. I knew that he loved me and he was proud of me, but he finally told me. You might be thinking, But it was in a letter? For me, however, it meant more that he would take the time to sit down, write a letter, buy a stamp, and mail it to me, than if he had just picked up the phone. He also showed me that regardless of how long you have been doing something a specific way, you can always take a step outside of your “normal” and have a lasting impact on someone you love!

In the top drawer of my desk at the church, I have a place I keep things that serve as “memorial stones.” Things that may not have any value to others but are priceless to me. My father’s letter along with its envelope are in that drawer. Every time I see that letter in my drawer, it reminds me that my father loves me and is proud of me. The letter also reminds me that I want to be like my dad and never be afraid to take courageous steps to make a change, regardless of how old I am.

Your Legacy Starts Now

A simple definition of legacy is “something that is passed down from one generation to the next.” It can be something good that is passed down for multiple generations or it could be something negative that a younger generation determines not to continue. Regardless of what the marriage legacy has been for you and your family, the good news is that a new legacy can start now.

Maybe the “normal” marriage or family you had growing up wasn’t the best model and you believed you were destined to pass this down to your children. We want to encourage you that a new legacy can begin at any time. Taking even simple steps, before long you can have changed the culture of your marriage and have a new legacy to pass down to future generations.

Ashlee: When we made the decision to humble ourselves and work on our marriage at year five, it wasn’t always easy. There were days when one of us was unkind or selfish, but we had to choose agapē love regardless. We had to take steps toward restoration whether or not our spouse took steps that day. We spent each morning in prayer, asking God to give us the ability to love like He loves.

I prayed this scripture over us consistently: “Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days” (Ps. 90:14). During a time when Clayton wasn’t satisfying me, God was filling that gap until we got to a place of restoration and of great joy.

Now, regardless of what I go through each day, Clayton, my beloved, has my back and is always on my side. I can’t imagine going through life without him. He is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, and my biggest cheerleader. But he would have never become these things to me if I had not chosen to love him. We would never be where we are today based on feelings. We had to choose to love. Even on days when we did not feel like it.

I am so grateful that God helped us get out of that valley of dry bones. I think of what our marriage would be like now (or if it even would have survived) if we had not taken those steps toward our promised land and I want to fall to my knees in thankfulness to God. He is our only hope for marriage. He is our only hope to get out of that valley. He is our only hope for complete restoration. He is our only hope to get to our promised land. He is our only hope for leaving a legacy of a strong marriage for the next generation.

Will you make the decision today to do whatever it takes to have the marriage you have always hoped and dreamed of? Hope for your marriage begins with a decision to take a single step that will lead you out of your valley of dry bones and into your promised land. “Fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes” (Neh. 4:14).

God is for your family, God is for your marriage. Fight for them. Fight with the sword of the Spirit and the shield of faith. We know you can do it. If God could do it for us, for Richard and Sheri, for Mike and Jennifer, for Jason and Staci, for Craig and Samantha, for Miguel and Laura, and for Joel and Shawna, He can do it for you. Will you take that step? God is graciously waiting for you.

GOING FURTHER

A legacy is something that is passed down from one generation to another. We can pass down a hope-filled legacy of marriage to our children and to others who are yet to be married. It’s important to begin by sharing your challenges and your successes with others. Continue your legacy today by pouring into the next generation and give them the hope they need for an amazing marriage.

Talking Points

1. Share five things with your spouse that you have learned about marriage from previous generations.

2. During the next two weeks, find a couple who have been married a shorter time than you have and spend some time with them. Let them ask you anything they want about your marriage. Be willing to share your challenges and successes.

3. Do you know a couple this book might help? If so, consider gifting a copy of this book and pray over it before you give it to them.