Victor and Vernon in a contest of magic;
if Victor loses, for Igon it’s tragic.
When Grabbo told the crowd in the square about Valentine saying yes, he would become their first president, there was a tremendous cheer. Grabbo then asked Valentine to talk to them. He was lifted on to a cart so that he could be seen above the crowd as well as being heard.
‘My friends,’ he started. ‘First of all, may I say how proud I am to be asked to be your first president.’
Loud cheers.
‘Until recently I believed I was a Vampire …’
A hush.
‘… but you can imagine what a great thrill it was for me when I found out I’m not a Vampire.’
Louder cheers than before.
‘It will not be easy.’
Lots of heads shaking.
‘I want you to be happy.’
Louder cheers than the second loud cheers.
‘I cannot do this alone. I will need someone by my side. Someone to share the worries and the burden of office.’
Lots of surprised faces looked at each other.
‘I think I have found that person who will be my help.’
‘The person I am talking about is a woman.’
All the males looked at all the females.
‘And she is here tonight.’
Lots of necks stretched and strained, and all eyes widened.
‘I am asking Areta to be my wife.’
There were even louder cheers than the third lot of loud cheers.
Areta was almost thrown on to the cart next to Valentine. He held her hand. She was smiling yet shaking with excitement.
‘Yes, yes, yes,’ the crowd shouted.
She looked softly at Valentine and demurely nodded her head. He kissed her gently. The cheering was now louder than all the other cheering put together. The crowd started chanting.
‘Long live the President Valentine and Areta!’
Valentine held his hand up for a moment’s silence, but the crowd were ecstatic and would not be made quiet.
‘God bless you, Valentine,’ they all shouted.
‘Free at last!’
‘No more Vampires!’
‘Death to the Vampires!’
‘To the castle and kill the lot of them!’
The crowd started to move. They picked up hammers and stones; knives were sharpened; stakes – even scythes – were seen.
‘Wait! Please wait!’ shouted Valentine but his voice went unheard. Within a few hectic seconds there was only Valentine, Areta, Grabbo and Igon left in the village square. The uncontrollable mob were on their way to the castle.
‘Please stop,’ Valentine shouted after the last few running towards the main body of the crowd. ‘Don’t harm them. Let me talk to them …’ But he soon realised he was shouting in vain.
Wilf, now almost normal except for a few patches here and there, and wearing a sheet from the castle, was on his way back to the village when he saw the great crowd coming up the hill, still chanting ‘Death to the Vampires’. He hid behind a tree and watched as they marched past. Then he saw the baker, Ari Hovis, in the crowd and sprang out to grab him.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked.
‘We’re going to kill the Vampires,’ Ari shouted excitedly.
‘I hope you know what you’re doing. Anyway, is your shop open? I promised Mum I’d take her home a fresh loaf.’
The crowd swept on as the baker shouted back, ‘Help yourself, Wilf. The brown ones are the freshest. Pay me the next time you see me.’
Wilf stood alone in the middle of the path and watched the crowd snake up the hill to the castle. He thought to himself, ‘I hope Mum’s not in that lot.’
* * *
The Doctor was hurried into the King of the Vampire’s chamber.
‘Vell, Doctor. Vot is it? I’m a very busy man.’
The Doctor looked at Victor whose right leg was six inches shorter than his left one. Or, thought the Doctor, maybe his left leg is six inches longer than his right one.
‘Hurry, man. Vot is it?’
‘I know where Prince Valentine is,’ he blurted out.
‘Vere?’ the King shouted as he jumped up and overbalanced.
‘He’s with Grabbo in a secret cellar,’ the Doctor said. The King, for safety’s sake, was now sitting on the floor. ‘They are plotting against you.’ The Doctor allowed himself a small smirk.
‘Vere is this secret cellar, you oaf?’ Victor shouted, as he rose up on one leg. The Doctor looked a trifle hurt at being called an oaf.
‘Under the tavern.’
King Victor turned his back on Doctor Plump and put his hand over his mouth to muffle a short scream as the amazed Doctor watched Victor’s right leg grow very quickly to its full size. The King turned round and gave the mystified Doctor a sickly grin.
‘Come,’ the King said, ‘ve must go to the tavern ant if ve capture mine son, Valentine, I vill never forget you, ya?’ He patted the Doctor on the throat. Doctor Plump nervously gulped air as he wondered what the King of the Vampires meant by that last remark.
* * *
Vernon, who was as mad as the proverbial January, February and March Hare, was in his cellar looking at a very old and dusty book on Black Magic. The cellar was thick with green steam, black smoke, pink bubbles and a bright blue, rather pretty, froth that was slowly but surely making its way across the ceiling. From the book he read aloud:
‘Four hairs from a Chinaman’s pigtail,
The eye of a completely dead fish.
You must boil them in oil for an hour,
Drink it and then make a wish.
Your wish will come true if you do this,
If the Chinaman comes from Hong Kong.
If he doesn’t, it’s not worth trying;
I’m afraid that your wish will go wrong.
Chorus
Oh, I’m from Gotcha
Yes, I’m from Gotcha
Where the Vampires rule
And bite your lily white neck.”
Anonymous. 9th century.
He flicked the pages quickly as if he knew on which page to find the magic potion he was looking for. Suddenly his eyes lit up. ‘Ah,’ he exclaimed. A sound came from his throat that was the nearest he could make to laughter. ‘Yes.’ He started to laugh again. ‘This is the one. I knew it was in this special book of magic. Wonderful. Wonderful!’ Tears of joy and anticipation escaped from his small, pig-like, black eyes. He read aloud again:
How to turn the ugliest of things (including people) into stone.
They will not be able to move, but they will not be dead.
You will need the skin of a yellow chameleon.
The sting of a two-week-old bumble bee.
2 oz yeast.
Sixty-one hairs from an antelope’s tail (please note - only sixty-one. This is important. You are recommended not to count the hairs near a window or draught).
A crushed ruby (large) from a prince’s crown
1 oz of warts
He read on and on, knowing that he had everything that the book asked for; even more in case of spillage. He finished reading, took a deep breath, sat down and relaxed for a few moments, stroking his two-headed dog on its left head while watching the right head look on with envy. As he sat there, meditating on what he would do with Igon, the Queen strode majestically into the cellar. She found her son still stroking the two-headed dog.
She thought, ‘How cruel of Vernon to call one head Fang and the other head Bruce.’ That meant when he called Fang, Bruce had to come too.
Vernon saw his mother looking at a placard leaning against the wall with the words ‘Vernon bites yer throat’.
‘Yes, Mother?’ he said, hating to be disturbed in what he thought was really his domain.
‘Ah, Vernon. Have you seen your father?’
‘Many times, I’m afraid,’ he quipped.
‘Do not make jokes about your father, Vernon. You know he loves you.’
‘I know nothing of the kind. Anyway, that’s beside the point. There’s very little difference between love and hate.’
The Queen nervously removed some non-existent dust off her sleeve.
‘What does Daddy want?’ Vernon asked with a smirk.
‘Help,’ she answered. ‘He needs all the help he can get. Yours too, Vernon. I presume you know what’s going on out there, don’t you dear?’ she pointed first to the wall and then to the ceiling, suddenly realising there were no windows.
‘Of course I do,’ said Vernon. ‘I tried to tell him this would happen but did he believe me? He did not. He didn’t even listen, he laughed. So now there’s trouble and who’s the first person he turns to for help? Me. Little old Vernon, his beloved son.’ He stroked Fang’s head so hard with temper that even Bruce’s eyes watered.
‘Your father knows nothing about this,’ insisted his mother. ‘If he thought I was here, asking for your help, he would be most upset.’
‘Good. And I’ll tell you something else, Mother dear. He can’t have my help. I wouldn’t help him if he was the last Vampire on earth.’ Vernon was getting very worked up. He picked up a rubber ball from the floor and threw it across the room. He shouted, ‘Fang, fetch! Bruce, stay!’
The two-headed dog fell to the ground, each trying to obey its master’s command.
‘Vernon, you worry me. You really do. Your Daddy and I have tried to bring you up as a perfect Vampire. We want you to be happy and, as you know, one day you will rule this land. Your dear Daddy has tried so hard and he wants you to follow in his heart beats.’ A small tear ran down the Queen’s cheek but it made no impression on Vernon.
‘Close the door when you leave, please. I’m working on a plan for Igon. One slight mistake and it will go wrong.’ He kicked the two-headed dog who was now trying to fight itself on the floor.
‘Well!’ said the Queen, quite hurt by his tone. She left the cellar, closing the door.
* * *
Valentine was saddened by what he had seen of the villagers. It hurt him to think that they were making their way to the castle to try and kill the only family he had known. But there seemed to be so little he could do. He could warn them, of course.
He was also worried about the villagers themselves. He knew the power of the Vampire and the range of their magic. Many people would get hurt, even killed. He turned to Areta.
‘I think I should try and stop the villagers and if not, at least warn the King and Queen and ask them not to harm the villagers too much. I’m sure they will listen to me, which is more than the people here did.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘No, dearest. I don’t think you should. Stay here with your father. Igon and I will give ourselves up to the Vampires and that way maybe we will be able to get together and talk to each other. That must help all of us.’ He squeezed her hand.
‘You are very brave. Please be careful, my love.’ She walked over and stood by her father. Grabbo held his hand out towards Valentine and they shook hands.
‘Be careful, my boy.’
‘I will, I promise.’ With a nod to Grabbo, he looked once more at Areta and then made his way with Igon towards the retreating villagers.
The first person they met was Wilf.
‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Have you heard that they are all going up to the castle to try and kill the Vampires? What for, I say? Well, I mean, if they do that they might think about doing me in the next time I change into a werewolf.’ Wilf looked downcast.
‘We’re going to try and stop them. Come and join us, Wilf, will you?’
‘Ah. I can’t at the moment. You see, I promised Mum a fresh loaf and I’ve had a word with Ari and he said his shop is open and to help myself.’
‘Well, Wilf. If they do you in, that loaf of bread isn’t going to be much good, is it?’ Igon spoke for the first time in a long time. He had been trying very hard to think, but it was a slow, hard process for him.
‘Look. I tell you what. I’ll go home and change, pick up a loaf, then I’ll come along up to the castle. How do you feel about that?’
‘That’s fine, Wilf.’ Valentine smiled. ‘We’ll see you there.’
‘Right,’ said Wilf and made his way to the village as Valentine and Igon trudged on to the castle.
The crowd was now outside the castle gates, facing the big doors. They were chanting and telling all the people in the castle why they were there.
* * *
‘Dearest,’ the Queen spoke softly. ‘What are you going to do about those people down there? The ones who are shouting for your blood.’
‘Fetch Vernon,’ the King answered.
‘He won’t come.’
‘I command him to come.’
‘He’s sulking.’
‘Oh,’ said the King, nonplussed. He had never been refused a command before and now that he had for the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do.
‘Vot should I do then, Doctor, eh?’ the King asked.
The Doctor looked at everyone in a highly nervous state. ‘Er … I … er … yes. Er … I … well, er … maybe …’ The Doctor’s voice petered out to an inaudible whisper.
‘How about you?’ The King pointed to Ronnoco. ‘Vat do you think I should do, ya?’
Ronnoco gave a frightened grin. The King looked gently at his beautiful Queen and, with a catch in his seemingly distant voice, said, ‘Is this the end off little Victor?’
‘No dear. Not if you do as I tell you.’
‘I’m listenink,’ he said in a very tired voice.
‘Well, first of all, you have to make your mind up that you’re not going to be King any more.’
‘But … I …’ The King started to interrupt.
‘Let me finish,’ the Queen went on. ‘I think you’ve been King long enough. How long? The last hundred and five years?’
He nodded.
‘Now, why don’t you let Vernon, or even Valentine, be King. Then you and I can get away from this terrible castle and buy a nice little cottage in the country and if you like, we could have a small flat.’
‘A small, flat vat?’ the King asked.
‘A small flat. An apartment. Here in Katchem. You’d like that. No more worries. No affairs of State. Think of it, dear. Why, you’d be able to write that book you’re always on about. What were you going to call it?’ she asked proudly.
‘Gone vith the Bat’ he answered sheepishly.
The Queen stopped speaking and watched her very tired husband think. He took his top hat off and polished it with his beautifully manicured hands. He put it back on his head at a rather jaunty angle.
‘Well?’ Valeeta asked.
‘Vot do you think, Doctor?’
‘Er well. I … er. If … er … Maybe …’
‘I’m very tired, I must say. Ant the idea off retirink is lookink pleasant.’ He climbed out of his coffin.
The Queen, who knew she was getting to her husband, put out more feelers for him to latch on to.
‘Don’t forget,’ she said, ‘You’ll be able to go to the pub with your cronies. People like Wilf the Werewolf and Dick the Big Daft Dwarf. You like them, don’t you? And you could drink your twenty-year-old to your heart’s content as you wouldn’t have the worries of State weighing heavily on your shoulders. And you’ll be able to do the garden. I can see you now, planting some flowers in the moonlight. And, maybe, in a few years’ time, we will have grandchildren running around the house all night.’
She waited to see if her little plan had worked. In the background they could hear the villagers’ voices getting louder as they came closer.
‘Get Vernon,’ the King ordered, ‘and get him now. Tell him if he isn’t here in the next few minutes he vill never be Kink.’
The Queen gave a small sigh of relief. ‘Yes dear. I’ll go and get him now.’
As she left the room Ronnoco heard the crowds chanting for the blood of the Vampires and, he thought, anyone who worked for them, so he did the only thing he was very good at. He fainted.
‘Doctor,’ the King said. ‘Just look at that fool. He’s fainted again.’ He kicked Ronnoco with the point of his shoe. ‘Can’t you help him, Doctor?’
‘Er … well … er. I … er … maybe.’ The Doctor burst into tears. Victor looked at them both with disdain and walked over to the window.
He looked down on the moving torches and the chanting crowd. He smiled to himself, knowing that with one flick of his fingers he could have them all running back to their homes with panic on their ugly faces. He thought hard about doing it, then thought better of it. ‘Maybe Valeeta’s right’ he thought. ‘Maybe I should retire ant get away from trouble like this. Who vants these problems?’ His eyes softened as his thoughts wandered
‘The pub with the lads every Saturday night. Moonlit football. Gettink to bed early, maybe four or five in the morning. Sounds vonderful.’ These thoughts were broken as the door burst open and his Queen dragged Vernon in by his ear.
‘Vernon, mine son. So glat you could come, ya?’
‘What is it you want, Father? Mother has been mumbling something about you abdicating and me being King. Good. Because I would make a better King than you. Igon would make a better King than you.
First of all, I would kill everyone who had anything to do with this rebellion, but I would torture them first. Igon he’s the one I want. Every day I would change him into something different. A frog. A three-legged dog. A stone gnome. A crow with a broken wing. No, two broken wings. Ha … ha … ha …’
He laughed like a man possessed of the Devil, which, of course, he was. The King looked at his wife as if to say ‘Vhere did ve go vrong?’ His wife clipped Vernon around the ears with a resounding slap. Vernon screamed. The Doctor, whose eyes were still streaming with tears, also let out a scream. A very loud and a very high one. The chanting was getting louder and louder and closer and closer.
‘Vernon. Listen to me ant listen gut because I’m only goink to say this vonce. I vos goink to abdicate the throne ant let you become Kink but I’m afraid you are not vise enough or clever enough or votever else enough. You are a cruel boy ant I’m goink to teach you a lesson. I challenge you now to kill me vith any off your magic. If you do, then in front off these vitnesses I vill say you must be Kink. But, if you fail ant I am not kilt, you must leave the country ant go abroad ant never set feet int this country again. Do you understant?’
Vernon’s cruel twisted mouth curled into a sinister grin. He quickly and gladly nodded his head, bowed to his mother and father, clicked his heels and asked for permission to leave the room to get his magic set. It was given. He ran to his cellar with the speed of a bullet.
* * *
Valentine and Igon had caught up with the crowd and were now leading them. Every few steps they tried to stop the people and talk some sense into them but the crowd would have none of it. Forward, ever forward, seemed to be their motto.
‘Please let me talk to the Vampires. Let me speak to them. They know me. They will listen to me. I was their son. I’m sure they will listen to me.’
But the crowds wouldn’t listen to him. Valentine was almost carrying Igon in their efforts to keep up with them.
* * *
Back in the King’s chamber came Vernon, carrying a phial of foaming liquid: ‘Are you ready?’ he asked his father.
‘I am,’ said Victor proudly.
‘Victor, please …’ pleaded the Queen.
‘Do not vorry, mine sveetness.’ He smiled at his wife.
Vernon once more clicked his heels and drank a little of the potion. He immediately blew a long flame of fire from his mouth, directly towards his father’s face. His father had seen this trick many years before. Half a second was all that Victor needed. He took a breath so powerful and so deep, and then blew at the approaching flame with such ferocity that the flame was actually turned round in its path and flew across the room in an entirely different direction.
It flew over an awakening Ronnoco who, as he tried to stand up, felt the top of his head being well and truly singed so he fainted again. The Doctor almost joined him as he saw the flame shoot across the room. The King smiled at his son.
Vernon looked at his father with hate and once more ran downstairs, this time without asking for permission to leave and with no click of the heels.
The village people were now in the castle itself, but no one knew the way to the Vampires’ rooms.
Victor was holding his wife firmly by the throat when Vernon came back into the room. As Vernon knew, for a Vampire to hold someone’s throat as Victor was doing, was a sign of tremendous love and affection. After all, they had been married for over ninety-nine years.
Vernon half clicked his heels and drank from the new phial. Victor looked at the colour of the liquid. That told him something. He then looked at the eyes of his son as he drank, to see whether or not the liquid affected his pupils. He looked also at the colour of his skin to see if it changed even minutely. Putting all these things together in his mind, like a flash of lightning, he worked out the physical antidote, and how to use it to see that as little harm as possible came to himself.
Vernon drank the fluid and before you could say ‘Katchem for the Cup’ he had grown to the size of a giant. He was at least eleven feet tall. The most fascinating thing was that his clothes also grew in a corresponding size. The Queen looked at her enormous son and thought how wonderful he looked, being so tall and quite handsome.
Victor braced himself for what he knew was about to happen to him. Vernon walked over to his father with the cocksure intention of just picking him up and throwing him to the ground, breaking every bone in his body.
Vernon gripped his father round the waist but, to his surprise, he found that he couldn’t even lift him off the ground, let alone throw him on to it. So he decided upon a different ploy and tried to squeeze the breath out of his father. But the King was a shrewd opponent and had seen a lot in his long life. In no way was he going to be fooled.
Vernon strained and moaned and grunted but eventually had to give up. He once again ran out of the room to his cellar.
The Queen looked at her husband and said, ‘Didn’t you think he looked handsome when he was tall? I thought he was really very good looking, didn’t you, dear?’
‘Yes. I must be honest. I thought beink tall suited him better than not beink it.’