One may say, albeit in an oversimplifying vein, that people have enough to live by but nothing to live for; they have the means but no meaning.
—VIKTOR E. FRANKL
Today, perhaps more than any time in the history of humanity, people find themselves in an existential vacuum, searching for something they can devote their time and talents to. This quest for meaning may be especially apparent among young people, but it never really goes away. The need to unlock our purpose continues throughout our lifetime, right up into retirement and beyond, when so many more people feel the emptiness that can come from lack of structure and purpose in their lives. The purpose question arises early and reappears late. It’s a cradle-to-grave journey. It’s age-agnostic. Purpose is essential to fill the existential vacuum. Purpose provides hope and resilience in times of drift and transition.
As purpose evolves over a lifetime—it is uncovered, discovered, and rediscovered—it gives life dignity and meaning. We are not burdened by purpose as a sense of duty or moral obligation. We care to make a difference because we recognize that it is in our human DNA. The way purpose unfolds for each of us will be different, but we can nevertheless recognize three familiar universal stages along the purpose journey.
How might we unlock the power of purpose to live more fulfilling lives and, perhaps, to even reframe the most challenging situations in which we find ourselves? There are three stages of purpose on our path through life. What stage of purpose are you in?
Purpose is often perceived as something that comes from others, directed toward the individual self. This uncovering stage begins with our birth, our family of origin, and our early experiences, challenges, and lessons learned. This stage shapes us and provides us with our initial values. Our greatest crises and challenges are likely to shape our purpose. During this stage we seek to uncover our authentic path in life. Not just any path will do. Our authentic path is not simply one that someone will pay us to occupy (like a job or a career), nor a task we happen to have the talent to perform (like an art or a craft), nor a social role (like a parent, spouse, or partner) in which other people will embrace us. It’s got to be our own path, one in keeping with our gifts, passions, and values.
But how do we find it? We uncover our unique path by experiencing the world. We gain a sense of what is possible as well as purposeful, and we cultivate a relationship with the visible realms as much as with the hidden. We seek to uncover the one life we can call our own. As the professor of comparative religion Joseph Campbell observed, the differentiations of sex, age, and occupation are not essential to our character but mere “costumes” we wear for a time on the world stage. Our true nature is not to be confused with those “costumes,” which do not tell what it is to be a person. They represent only an accident of geography, birth date, and income.
So, what is the core of us? What is the essence of our being?
Purpose is often perceived as residing outside our individual self, directed toward serving the needs of others. This discovering stage begins when we choose to make a difference in the lives of others. For most of us, this discovery takes place by way of our current family, friends, or work role. This stage requires us to let go of our self-absorption and allow ourselves to be used for a larger purpose. We might not know what our larger purpose is. However, we have decided to make a small difference, one person at a time, in the lives of others. This stage provides us with experiences of a purposeful life.
When we choose to make a difference in the lives of others, we begin to perceive our own lives differently, almost immediately. The right people seem to show up and the right situations seem to present themselves as opportunities to serve others. We experience true joy in these purposeful moments of life. We experience challenges that make us doubt ourselves and question our capacity. But we wake up with a clear reason to rise.
The playwright George Bernard Shaw articulated this spirit beautifully in the Epistle Dedicatory to Arthur Bingham Walkley for the play Man and Superman. He wrote that the true joy in life is to be used for a mighty purpose that we ourselves recognize. He admonished his reader to be a force of nature rather than a “feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances” complaining that the world is not devoted to one’s own happiness. Shaw’s words, now more than century old, still ring true today.
Purpose is often perceived as coming through the self and used for the sake of all others. This rediscovering stage is commonly seen as a spiritual calling. We look back and see how all the phases of our lives are connected to our life today. Our purpose becomes so clear that we can say it in a simple sentence, like “to grow and to give for life.” It’s a time of larger meaning. We grow and we give. We give and we get. What we give comes back to us exponentially. We perceive ourselves as ordinary people living extraordinary lives.
We may not build libraries, but we rediscover a larger purpose in reading to a child. We may not solve homelessness, but we nourish others by listening or giving a kind word. We may not start a nonprofit organization, but we volunteer for something we care deeply about. We perceive how we can make a difference every day and touch the lives of everyone we meet. The question during this stage is not “What is the meaning of life?” but rather “What is life asking of us?” The answer must be chosen by each of us every day in our own way. Meaning is rediscovered in the day-to-day moments of purpose when care supersedes cure, when being interested overrides being interesting. Purpose keeps us present. When we rediscover these moments, we tap into a fresh supply of energy and feel more alive and vital in all that we do.
If we open our eyes to the world around us, we notice the endless needs that life is asking us to fulfill. We become more aware of those needs by asking ourselves questions like these:
For most of us, the community in which we live is rich with possibilities for expressing our gifts. To unlock our purpose, we need to detect—to sense—the potential issues that call us to meaningful action. Viktor Frankl pointed out three paths to finding meaning in life: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering.
One way to start is to notice what’s needed and wanted, and then produce it—right where we are—in our current work, family, spiritual organization, or community. Tangible achievement and accomplishment of deeds—especially those that move us emotionally—are important. For deeds to have a real impact, at a personal level, we must own the issue in a personally committed way. Claiming some deed set by others or expected of us is not nearly as satisfying. This, however, does not mean that whatever deed we select needs to be visible to others. In reality, keeping score of our contributions may actually reduce our sense of contentment, as we begin to see how our commitment is driven by our own need for approval.
We find meaning when our actions reflect what we value, what is important to us, what gifts we enjoy and want to support. If identified and clear to us, our values can guide us toward our “Big P” purpose. The reverse is also true, however. When circumstances or our own weaknesses lead us to act counter to what we value, we feel poorly about ourselves.
The late Rollie Larson, one of Richard’s mentors, expressed the value of “listening” every day. He lived until his ninety- fourth year as a whole person, integrated in mind, body, and spirit, with the natural curiosity and enthusiasm for the life of a much younger person. “Purpose, for me, boils down to relationships,” Rollie once told Richard. “What goes on with me and other people, that’s what gives joy to me. I tried seventeen different jobs before I found that my calling was working with people! Working with other people—sharing, caring, listening, loving—gives me a spiritual connection. Part of my prayers each night are that I can listen to someone tomorrow.”
Rollie’s long, esteemed counseling career took him down many paths, including founding a high school counseling department, training corporate executives, opening a private practice with his late wife, Doris, and writing several books. What distinguished Rollie was his special gift—a genuine gift for listening to others. A bumper sticker on his car read: “Listen to someone today.” He was well-known to the hundreds of people whose lives he touched over the years. “If you have to go through seventeen jobs to find your calling—do it!” he counseled people. “Start opening some other windows in your areas of interest. Ultimately, your work must be a turn-on; it must feel passionate.”
Rollie blended the spirit of and gift for listening with the maturity and wisdom of age. He unlocked his gift, and in doing so, unlocked his purpose. Purpose is the aim around which we choose to organize our lives—the direction we orient ourselves toward in life. Daring to be ourselves—experiencing our values—is challenging because it involves courage, which is uncomfortable for many people. But it is not something another person can do for us.
What values do you treasure and want to live in your daily life? How can you express that value today?
Nearly all of us will experience some sort of suffering during our lives. These experiences can be so devastating that our entire sense of meaning may slip, leaving us shaken or enraged. At such times, feelings of shock and chaos are not uncommon. When we cope effectively, though, a purpose may be found or strengthened or clarified. Like Viktor Frankl, we often learn much about who we really are under conditions of suffering. Some examples of triggering events that cause us to reassess our purpose in life include the death of a loved one; divorce or marital separation from a spouse or partner; a major illness or disability; loss of work; an extensive or geographic move; retirement; or an enormous financial loss.
Significant events like these cause most of us, at least temporarily, to revisit our purpose. Because our day-to-day existence and basic sense of self are disrupted, we are reawakened to the big questions in life. When we are moved by something, many things previously felt to be important fade to insignificance. If our purpose is strong enough, it impacts all areas of our life. We begin to eliminate what is irrelevant as clutter. A simplification takes place, and we achieve clarity about ourselves and our existence. We don’t need to pretend to be what we’re not. We recognize what matters most.
What are you telling yourself about what truly matters in your life? How can you live your own life on your own terms?