How we spend our days, is, of course, how we spend our lives.
—ANNIE DILLARD
A frequent complaint we hear in our coaching and teaching practices is a lack of fulfillment. We call that feeling of emptiness, meaninglessness, or purposelessness “inner kill.” Such a state often results from the lack of fulfilling something larger than and outside of ourselves. Inner kill is an attitude toward life felt by all too many people these days. Most people experience inner kill at some point in their lives, but if it continues over time, the effects can be devastating. If a person is not challenged by meaningful tasks and inner kill takes deep root, the condition of dying from the inside out begins.
Inner kill is similar to a garden in which nothing grows—it’s dead. Inner kill is the death of purpose. When life lacks purpose, nothing moves us. When life lacks promise, it continues day after day at the same petty pace. Helen Keller once said that “life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” That nothing is inner kill. Like generalized depression, inner kill cuts across all ages and economic levels. People in these situations feel chronic fatigue, self-criticism, and anger or indifference. They can no longer invest in themselves, in others, or in their work. Most of us recognize the phenomenon of being more or less awake on different days. With inner kill, our talents are slumbering.
Once people reach the point of inner kill, they often find it difficult to see any other possibilities for themselves. They are stuck in the drain of indecision. If you’re feeling a sense of inner kill, discuss it with a committed listener—someone who practices care-versus-cure and who cares enough to listen without trying to fix you. Be totally transparent with how you feel.
Almost every person at some point in their life ponders, What’s next? During each phase of our lives, we reflect on where we’ve been, where we’re going, what we’ve accomplished, and what is possible. We wonder whether to stay or leave a job, hang onto or let go of a relationship. At times we may feel like we’ve become fugitives from ourselves. We yearn for ways to overcome the drain of indecision and find opportunities to reimagine our lives. Some people experience the pressures of life transitions and feel pulled in many directions—sandwiched between taking care of their children and their parents, dealing with divorce, remarriage, second families, blended families, empty nesting, widowhood, illness and recovery, and the list goes on.
At work too many people have reached a plateau and realize that their gifts are not being fully used. They feel that they have outgrown their jobs, companies, or even their fields. Some feel bored. Others feel blocked by leaders who simply don’t understand them. One or a combination of these feelings can make a person dislike rising to go to work. Millions of people are stuck in the drain of indecision, struggling alone with what’s next. And how to get there. We feel stuck in the indecision cycle. To reclaim our lives, we must not avoid making decisions—we must express our inner selves in the outer world.
So, start where you are. Take this small step to explore what’s next. Select a sounding board of three to five people with whom you can brainstorm. The focus is entirely on you.
Despite an almost universal belief to the contrary, the pursuit of happiness as it most typically is interpreted today is a myth. Ease, comfort, and a state of having arrived do not constitute happiness for most human beings. The fact is that satisfaction always leads to dissatisfaction! A life without intention and purpose leads to a sparse and shallow existence. Savoring life is great, but it’s just not enough. If this were the case, anyone who enjoys relative affluence would be ecstatically happy.
So, what is this thing called happiness? People frequently claim to define it, but others conclude that individuals must define happiness for themselves. What’s more, happiness is always changing. Or is it? Is happiness fame, power, money? Is it marriage, family, community? Is it self-awareness, mindfulness, enlightenment? Is it doing work you love, painting a picture, or creating something beautiful? Or is it all of the above? And will it be the same tomorrow—will your happiness last?
Happiness is now considered a legitimate subject for academic study as well as research. More than two hundred colleges and universities offer courses in positive psychology with a focus on happiness. Positive psychologist Martin Seligman has proposed that we all have an “emotional baseline—a level of happiness” to which we almost inevitably return. According to psychology professor Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, one’s happiness level is determined by three things: 50 percent by one’s emotional baseline, 10 percent by one’s life circumstances, and 40 percent by “intentional activity.” Based on this, Lyubomirsky coined the phrase the “40 percent solution.” The idea is that you can boost your happiness by 40 percent if you engage in purposeful activities.
In short, we cannot pursue happiness directly. It must ensue from choosing to live an intentional and purposeful life. Yet for every person who summons up the energy and courage to ask What’s my purpose in life? there are many others who hope that more pursuit will feed their hunger.
The author Annie Dillard pointed out that how we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives. An astute and timely reflection, but what exactly does it mean to “spend time”? The paradox of time is grounded in the practice of mindfulness—the ability to fully inhabit our present experience while honoring and accepting our past and our future. Mindfulness is an antidote to stress and anxiety. The root of our anxiety is our tendency to live in the past or for the future. Either tendency keeps us from fully inhabiting the present. Of course, living with presence through the busy routines of work and life is not easy.
The late aikido master and author George Leonard pointed out that we are always practicing something. So why not practice presence? It is through such consistent practice that we see beneath the surface to the place where we know not with the mind but with the heart. Here our intuitive side recognizes a power beyond the natural and rational, and we are able to accept the unknown on faith. In Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, Zen master Shunryū Suzuki observed that in the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few. There are steps we can take to practice purposeful presence, to push the “pause” button and stay present with the present. But first, consider the costs of not practicing presence.
Meditation has its roots in ancient practices that have practical relevance for our daily lives today. The term “mindfulness” is often used by spiritually minded people to describe a broad range of meditative practices. Christian monks, Hindu sages, and Buddhist ascetics all speak of reaching moments of mindfulness through meditation and other practices. While it may be simple to practice meditation, it’s not necessarily easy. It requires, well, practice. Unfortunately, the way in which many spiritual traditions portray meditation has a tendency to put a lot of people off. It can all sound too spiritual and touchy-feely. Meditation can be defined scientifically in rational and secular terms. But most of all, it has to do with being in touch.
Whenever Richard brings up the topic of a “purpose pause” in his workshops or coaching, he usually gets the response “Who has time? I’m too busy!” That is a symptom of the problem. Busyness is hijacking our awareness of what is happening in and to our lives. Our very sense of humanity—our full-bodied presence in our lives—is being hijacked by hurry sickness. Symptoms include always rushing somewhere else, never being conscious of being anywhere; always doing, never contemplating what we are doing and why; and not being clear about why we get up in the morning.
This situation was brought home in a provocative YouTube video, “No Time to Think,” by David Levy, a professor in the Information School at the University of Washington. The video offers a disturbing wake-up call, showing how American society has become enslaved to an ethic of “more-better-faster” and is losing touch with the capacity for reflection and being present. Levy’s research focuses on why the technological devices that are designed to connect us also seem to powerfully disconnect us. It appears that although our society supposedly prizes creativity and innovative thought, it in fact gives little credence to intuition and contemplative practices. Social media may be the current state of connection, but surely there is something strange and ironic about the popularity of sharing our lives’ moments with strangers online when we rarely take time to fully experience those moments ourselves.
Instead of connecting us, our communication technologies often isolate us, until isolation becomes the norm. Email, voicemail, instant messaging, mobile phones, text messaging, social media, and of course ever-present internet all serve useful roles. But these tools for connecting crowd out deeper, face-to-face connections in our relationships and add to the level of busyness we experience. According to Thomas Eriksen of the University of Oslo, author of Tyranny of the Moment, the digital environment favors “fast-time” activities—those that require instant, urgent responses. Such activities tend to take precedence over and shut out “slow-time” activities, such as reflection, play, and “courageous (deep) conversations.” High-tech is hijacking the high-touch practices that we desperately need to be present to others and to ourselves. This is a major loss, and we are becoming overwhelmed and tired in the process.
Neuroscientists speak of a lower part of the brain they term the “reptilian mind” and tell us that under its influence, we focus on things that are immediately relevant (i.e., what it takes to survive). However, at rare moments, late at night or early in the morning when our bodies are relaxed and quiet, we are able to tap into a mindful state. In this state—what neuroscientists call our neocortex—is the heart of purpose and compassion. We let go of our daily distractions and often connect with a more universal perspective. With mindful presence the mind moves beyond its self-interests. We start to think of other people in a more meaningful way.
To allow ourselves to be truly in touch with what matters in the moment, we have got to pause in our experience long enough to let the present moment sink in. An important way to practice presence is to push the pause button. Plan regular times for meditation, during which you can be quiet and not distracted by the usual busyness. Hearing a calling requires listening alone. As we take regular mindfulness moments, we begin unmasking illusions. Slowly we start discerning what parts of our busyness are expressions of our real priorities.
When we get out of touch with our core, we lose our life perspective. We gain back our energy and focus by meditation—by pausing regularly. Pushing the pause button enhances our focus and taps into our deep energy. Our good friend and colleague Kevin Cashman, author of The Pause Principle, advises the CEOs and world leaders that he coaches to “pause to perform.” Kevin claims that paradoxically pause powers purposeful performance. As a lifelong meditator, he has practiced pause for many years and defines what he calls the “pause principle” as the conscious, intentional process of stepping back, within ourselves and outside ourselves, to lead forward with greater authenticity, purpose, and contribution.
Sometimes we are receptive to pausing; other times we are not. When crises drop into our lives, we are forced to pause. When things seem to be going smoothly, we may not sense the need for pause at all. Yet our mindfulness contracts silently from lack of use. In Kevin’s view, pause is an inherent, generative principle that is always available to us. Either we consciously go to it, integrating it into our lives, or pause comes to rescue us. For many of us, a pause practice may seem strange or difficult, yet there’s really nothing less strange than simply being alone with our thoughts mindfully. It’s quite simple and natural, nothing more than just sitting quietly, observing the breath, and seeing what happens.
For some time now, Dave has been beginning all his college-level classes with a short meditative practice he calls an “experiment in consciousness.” Students sit quietly, observing their breath, drawing upon a practice from one of the many mindfulness traditions out there. Students report, almost universally, that the experiments help them calm themselves and prepare for the upcoming class period. While Dave offers the exercises as a way for students to center themselves and get ready to think and talk together, he’s also doing it for himself. Taking a meditative moment before teaching allows him to be more present in the classroom as well.
There are innumerable books, classes, and online resources to learn more about mindfulness practices. As an experiment in purposeful presence, you can deepen your study from any of these and we urge you to do so. For a quick taste of what these practices share, consider this simple exercise of a purpose pause.
There may be no better way to unlock the power of purpose than taking time away from your usual schedule to reflect on purpose. Ask yourself, Why do I rise in the morning? Take the purpose pause. Everyone can experience the core of what it’s like to live purposefully. Having that experience, even for a short time, creates a path that can be followed to live on purpose more consistently! People who have taken a purpose pause often share that they are surprised by how even a relatively small amount of quiet solo time affected them at a deep level and helped them make sense of things. By the end of your purpose pause, you’ll be much more likely to have a clear answer to that key purpose question: What is my reason to rise?
There are no rigid formulas for how to reflect about purpose, but there are many helpful techniques to assist you. Here are seven mind-changing ideas that have brought powerful results to many people over the years. Use them to see what you can discover about yourself.
Ponder this question: Are we born with purpose, or do we choose one? If you ask enough people, you’ll probably find that there are two basic schools of thought regarding life purpose:
Which group do you belong to? Destiny or choice?
There are no easy or perfect answers to this question. So, if you’re still not sure, consider this workable compromise: What if a life purpose is something you are born with but you also have full control over how and when you activate it? What if, with a little reflection and choice, you could move naturally and easily toward your life purpose without feeling like you have to do specific things? You might be surprised to discover that unlocking your life purpose can be an enjoyable process. It’s the kind of choice that changes everything—from emptiness to fulfillment, from boredom to passion. Humans were created for purpose moments.
We find “Big P” purpose from within ourselves. We sense that there is something unique and special that we can contribute and that the kind of life, work, or volunteer work we do should align with these contributions. Heeding the call starts when our “music” (to refer back to that delightful Oliver Wendell Holmes metaphor) attracts us enough to move us to action on its behalf. An aim, a passion, an interest, a problem, an idea—our music is important enough so that focusing on it directs our activities and gives our lives meaning.
We all have daily opportunities, 1,440 purpose moments, as there are 1,440 minutes in a day that could lead us to heed the call in our lives. The question we must ask ourselves is, Was I present when the opportunity arose? Heeding the call requires that we be present in our daily lives, making choices that align with our values and what we care most about. Heeding the call requires courage. Are you ready to experience at least one of those 1,440 purpose moments? Can you find the courage to be present and follow where your purpose leads?