Hayes stared at the bottle of bourbon. He’d pulled out the unopened bottle from his cellar and had been eyeing the damn thing for the past hour.
Drinking would be the easy part. Getting lost in that bottle would be the coward’s way out. But he wanted anything to dull the ache in his chest of being home. He’d known coming back would be difficult, but he hadn’t expected the guilt that came along with being back at Pebblebrook.
He had all the money a man could ever want. He had a five-thousand-acre ranch, so work would definitely keep him busy. And he loved it here...but he’d left so many of his brothers overseas.
Hayes shut his eyes and tried to push his demons aside, but nothing helped. When he had his eyes open, all he saw was the life he had here in Stone River. The perfect life, some would call it. Money, power, family. Yes, he did have it all on a certain level.
He’d give it all up if he thought he could save his friends on the other side of the globe. Hayes grabbed the bottle and headed out onto the back porch. He’d inherited the original Elliott homestead and he loved this old two-story farmhouse. There was some work to be done, but he was ready to dive into a project that would keep his hands busy and his mind occupied.
Hayes sank into one of the old rockers on his porch. Clutching the bottle like some warped sense of a lifeline, he stared out at the darkened sky. There was nothing as peaceful as Pebblebrook. With a river running along the back of the property behind his house and a brook running through the front of the property where Colt’s house was, there was so much beauty and tranquility here.
Quite the polar opposite of where he’d spent the last several years of his life. Coming home every twelve to eighteen months for a brief time wasn’t the same as coming home for good. Other than farm life, what else did he know? What else did he do? Because with the way his heart and soul had been battered, he figured it best if he stayed on the ranch as much as possible until he got acclimated to civilian life again.
Colt and Nolan had both found love. Nolan and Pepper were married and blissfully in love. Both of his brothers seemed so happy. There must be something in the water because both of his brothers were going into ready-made families. Hayes wanted no part of kids. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he could handle a regular relationship with a woman, let alone a child. He had too much darkness inside him, had seen too much to be a father.
But Colt had always wanted that large-family lifestyle, and Nolan had finally come to his senses where Pepper was concerned. Who knew love could last across a decade and time apart?
Hayes had no sweethearts in his past. He didn’t do relationships because he’d been in the service and always traveling. Hell, he’d been married to the army, and just because he was getting out, didn’t mean that he could simply turn off his feelings about the life he’d lived.
The bottle in his hand mocked him and he wanted to throw it to get rid of the temptation. He didn’t know how long he sat and rocked, replaying his career in slow motion in his mind. A muscle ticked in his jaw. He knew his brothers were worried about him, and they had every right. But he meant what he said when he told them he needed space. If they started hovering, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t lash out at them—and they were the last people on earth he wanted to get angry with.
Tomorrow he’d go see his father. He wasn’t sure he’d be strong enough to see his formerly robust, vibrant father now in a nursing home not even knowing his own name at times. Hayes didn’t care, though. He wanted to be there, to sit by his dad’s side and do absolutely nothing. Hayes wanted that simplicity.
Hayes knew his father would be proud of Colt for pushing ahead with the dude ranch. Opening Pebblebrook to the public had been a dream of their father’s for some time, but he’d never fully gone ahead with the plans. Then dementia had stolen everything and the project had gotten pushed to the back of everyone’s mind.
Hayes didn’t recall the last time he’d seen Beau, other than on the big screen. Now that he was home, he wondered when they’d have an old-fashioned Elliott gathering. Hayes wanted everyone together—he wanted to go back to that time when they all hung out in the stables talking about nothing and everything. When they’d drink beers late at night, go for early-morning rides to check the fence lines... Hell, he just wanted an existence that didn’t involve fearing for your life every single day.
Hayes set the bottle on the porch and leaned forward on his elbows. Resting his head in his hands, he sent up a prayer. He’d done quite a bit of that recently. He wasn’t sure if anyone heard his thoughts, but he figured it didn’t hurt.
He was home. All that mattered was that he was here now and he was going to heal. With the help of his brothers and his soon-to-be sisters-in-law, he wouldn’t be alone.
Maybe, over time, he’d get back into the realm of socializing and perhaps even dating, but he wasn’t going to plan too far ahead. One day at a time: that was how he had to live.
He got to his feet, crossed to the railing and rested his hands on the wood beam. Tomorrow he’d start renovating his home.
Home. He liked the sound of that, even if he would live in this big house all by himself.
He was home and that was more than some of his comrades had. Hayes would be happy with the life he’d been given and he’d push forward. Alone...just like he wanted.
* * * * *
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