The wood shed was smaller than I had imagined. I had hoped it would be an almost barn-like place, filled with chopped logs and saws and clunking mechanical stuff built to skin tree-bark off like a knife through butter and to create perfect planks, ready for house building. But it wasn’t anything like that. It was just a shed. A cabin sort of thing. And there weren’t any logs in it.
We trekked for what felt like hours through the woods, although I suspected it only felt so long because I was hungry. When we arrived, I hung back, watching Adah as Levi bounded up to the shed. ‘You going to tidy away your filthy mags first?’ Adah called out, pausing at the worn-out trail of pathway-like earth before we got to the door.
‘Sod off,’ Levi said. He opened the door and went in.
‘Come on,’ Adah said, taking me by the arm. She led me, firmly but not harshly, into the wood shed. Aside from it being smaller than expected, part of me quite liked it inside. Although Levi looked like one of those boys my mum would have called ‘rough’ back when she was well, he’d made it homelier and cosier than I would have thought likely of him. There were three or four blankets, some of them a bit scraggly, but they looked soft and comfortable enough. There were also cushions. These could have done with replacing as they were partly ripped, but the effort to make the area on the floor nice and comfortable, rather than dirty and wet, lessened the worry I’d been feeling ever since I heard that voice back at the cottage.
‘Close the door!’
Levi’s shout made me jump, taking me out of my thoughts. I did what he said quickly.
‘I’m not used to having girls in here,’ he said, shifting the blankets around. It took me a few seconds to realise what he was doing: he was tidying, embarrassed by the place and the mess we’d found it in.
‘Is this place all yours?’ I asked.
‘Yes. Well, no. I don’t know whose it is, really. It’s been empty for years. But I come here when my foster parents get tired of me and start throwing stuff.’
I felt awkward about this confession, and it seemed Levi did, too, as he kicked his trainers off, settled down on one of the blankets and didn’t look at us for a bit. Adah sat down, too, so I joined her. In the quiet, I heard rain begin to patter its way through the trees and onto the roof. Although it wasn’t night yet, the single window at the back of the shed was dirty and covered with leaves, so didn’t let in much light. Levi lit a heavy jar candle he had in the corner. Its glass was cracked and the label was partly torn off, but I think it said something about Christmas and had holly wreaths on it. Sure enough, in just a few minutes, the smell of Christmas trees filled the cabin. It reminded me of when I was very small, so small I could barely remember, when Mum used to lift me up to put little chocolate Santas on the branches of the tree in the lounge.
‘There’s something under here,’ Adah said, digging about under the blankets and pillows. She pulled out a battered paperback book. It had a deer on the front; Bambi from the Disney film. ‘Why’ve you got this here? It’s for kids.’
‘We are kids,’ he murmured from his nest in the corner.
‘We are kids,’ Adah said, gesturing between herself and me. ‘You’re a teenager.’
She said the word teenager as if it were some sort of disease most would want to avoid catching.
‘Give it here. I don’t want you messing it up.’
Adah laughed. ‘It’s already messed up. The cover’s all bent and—’
‘I said give it here!’ Levi leaned forward and snatched it from her.
‘All right, all right,’ she said, clearly a bit hurt by this. ‘I was only looking.’
‘It was my mum’s. Well, it was mine. But she gave it to me.’
Levi looked sad. Adah nodded. She looked sad too.
‘Do you want to read it to us?’ Adah asked, quietly.
Levi let out a short, low laugh. ‘What is this? Fucking story time at playgroup?’
‘You don’t have to,’ Adah said. ‘I just thought it might be nice.’
He looked like he was thinking about this, his eyebrows screwed up a little. Then he pulled out the book from where he’d shoved it behind his back, and opened the first page.
‘OK.’
We sat, listening to the story. It must only have lasted five or ten minutes at most – the book wasn’t long, and it was filled with pictures from the film – but it was like we were lost in another world for hours and hours, days and days. When Bambi’s mother was shot, even though we all knew it was coming, it was as if a jolt ran through us all, like we’d felt the bullet ourselves. Like we’d felt the pain. And I looked over at Adah and I could see that she was crying. Tears running silently down her face. I reached out my hand and she reached out hers and our arms met in the space between us. And we held hands for the rest of the story. This is what it must feel like to have a best friend, I thought to myself as I felt the warmth of her hand in mine. Being able to be close and together without actually needing to speak. And for a few moments, it was as if we’d skipped the time and experience that go into building a strong friendship, and had already arrived at some destination I’d never reached before. Like we’d grown old together, in the space of that afternoon.
Once it was done, I saw Levi’s eyes look shiny. But it may have been the candlelight.
‘It’s a happy ending,’ Adah said.
‘Yeah, ’tis,’ Levi said, nodding, as if trying to convince himself of something.
We sat in silence for a little while longer, then, when the patter of the rain on the roof had got so strong it was like a chorus of applause, Levi said, ‘I should be heading back home.’ From what he’d said before, I doubted he had any real need to get home, but I got the feeling he wanted us to leave.
Adah nodded and turned to me. ‘Will your parents be cross you’ve been out so long, Kitty?’
I shook my head. ‘They wanted me to go out and explore the forest. And I have.’
She yawned a little and straightened up. ‘I’m getting hungry. I’m afraid you shouldn’t come round mine, really. My aunt wouldn’t like it.’
‘It’s OK,’ I said, ‘I think I should go home now.’
Adah turned to look at Levi, still sprawled on the floor, his legs half uncrossed.
‘Aren’t you coming?’ she asked, and he shook his head.
‘You guys go. I’m going to just stay for a bit and tidy the cabin.’
Adah didn’t reply, just turned round to open the door. I followed her through it.
‘Bye,’ I said. He didn’t said goodbye in return. Just gave a vague nod, his eyes not on me.
I expected Adah to start walking away from the cabin, but she raised her finger to her lips, telling me to be quiet. ‘This way,’ she mouthed, and then started to pick her way through the fallen branches and masses of plants that covered the back of the wood shed. Once we’d reached the other side, she made a gesture, telling me to crouch down and be quiet, then she pressed her eyes to a crack in the wooden wall.
‘What are you doing?’ I whispered in her ear.
She flinched, as if caught at something, then peered back through the gap. After a moment, she took her eyes away from it and then leaned in close to my ear and whispered, ‘I wanted to see if he gets them out.’
I looked at her with a confused face, which was enough for her to come back to my ear and carry on whispering. ‘His dirty mags. I wanted to see if he has them hidden in there. I’ve seen them before when I’ve spied on him.’
I nodded, as if I understood, but I didn’t really. I thought of the dirty magazine I’d found under my bed. Did Levi have one of those?
I felt along the wall of the cabin and found a crack that was big enough for me to see through as well. And sure enough, he proved Adah right. He stuck his hand under the blankets, fished around for a few seconds, and pulled out a magazine. Even from the small crack in the wood, I could tell that the woman on the front wasn’t wearing anything and was clutching her chest with her mouth open. I was about to whisper to Adah about the magazine I’d found inside my house, thinking perhaps it would give us some common ground – show that I had at least seen things like this before – but before I could say anything, Levi did something that took my attention back to inside the cabin. He stood up and pulled down his tracksuit bottoms, revealing his underpants. I shot a quick look at Adah, but she was staring intently through the wood. I looked back and saw Levi had dropped his underpants too, and there it was – his bottom. The first boy’s bottom I’d seen, apart from my dad’s. And Dad was old. He was thirty. Dad’s body belonged to an old person. But Levi’s didn’t. And, as we watched, I thought I vaguely knew what he was doing. I didn’t really want to think about it, but we kept watching, Adah silent next to me.
And then something happened. I saw it happen, and at the same time, I didn’t see it, because it was as if my brain went black suddenly. All of a sudden, the forest was in my face, trees, branches, like last time when I was running. And now I was running again. As fast as I could.
When I got to the stream, I stopped myself just in time. A few more steps and I would have touched the water. But I didn’t, and it was fine, and then Adah was there next to me, panting, out of breath, shaking my shoulders, asking what was wrong. Asking if I could hear her. But I could barely hear her. Instead, my ears were ringing with the words I’d heard earlier when I stepped into the hall. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make them stop.
I’d begun crying without realising and suddenly Adah was hugging me and I was crying into her shoulder. Crying and crying and I could tell she wasn’t sure what to do except let me cry.
Minutes later, she led me along the stream to the little bridge, where she’d taken me on our first meeting, and we sat down on the steps. As we did so, the rain stopped and the sun came out. Beams of light fell through the branches, as if a giant was pouring liquid gold onto the trees above, just for us. To make our seat on the bridge that little bit less horrible. That little bit kinder.
‘I’m sorry I showed you that. I didn’t realise it would upset you,’ Adah said, looking seriously at me. I looked at her, trying to take in her deep, dark-brown eyes, but I was holding myself back, trying not to cry, and I found I couldn’t look at her for long.
‘I’ve seen him do it before. I used to spy on Levi for ages before he started talking to me.’
I nodded, although I wasn’t sure what the nod was supposed to say.
‘All boys do that. You must have heard about it at school. It’s not as if it’s, like, that weird or anything.’
I brushed my tears from my face and nodded again. I didn’t want to say anything. If I could just sit here and let her talk, I’d be all right. After a bit, Adah patted my arm.
‘Shall we walk back to the cottage? We can walk there together?’
I looked over at the other side of the stream. ‘Don’t you live that way?’ I said, pointing. ‘Shouldn’t you get home?’
She shook her head, looking a little sad. ‘I’m going to go home. But I don’t need to. My aunt would prefer it if I didn’t ever again, I think.’ Before I could respond, she stood up. ‘Come on. Let’s go.’
My legs were aching from running, but I slowly got up and we walked in the direction of the cottage. I felt the wind start to gather strength again and the coldness of it stung my face, my cheeks still raw from the scratches of the branches and plants I must have knocked out of my way.
‘Tomorrow,’ said Adah, ‘if you come out again, I think you should wear a thicker cardigan under your coat. It’s getting colder. Nearly November.’
‘Soon be Christmas,’ I said under my breath. It’s what Mum always used to say at this time of the year. When it was getting cold and people complained about the short days and long nights. Soon be Christmas. Not that last Christmas was much fun. I’d hoped it was when she’d start to enjoy things again. Noticing the signs of the season, seeing the snow outside or the smell of roast turkey. But she spent most of it crying in the downstairs bathroom. The colour of the paper Dad’s Christmas present had been wrapped in had upset her greatly.
We arrived at the cottage to find Amanda outside, smoking.
‘Hello, Kitty,’ she said, doing her warm, aren’t-I-so-friendly voice. ‘And my goodness, look, you’ve made a new friend.’
‘Yes,’ I said flatly, with a little sniff.
I saw her eyes flick over me. If she noticed I’d been crying, she didn’t say anything. Instead, she turned to Adah and said, ‘What’s your name, sweet one?’
‘Adah,’ Adah said brightly, and put her hand out. Amanda shook it, grinning widely. I could smell the smoke as she came close, together with something else. That strange, sweet smell I’d noticed before. Coming from the lounge.
‘Well, it’s very lovely to meet you, Adah. I trust both of you have had a nice time out playing in the woods?’
Adah grinned. ‘Yes we have. Jolly good fun. Endless fun.’
There were times when I thought Adah repeated things she’d heard other people say, rather than coming up with them herself. This was one of those times.
‘Great stuff,’ Amanda said through a lot of teeth. She’d reapplied some more deep red lipstick since the morning. It made the rest of her face look pale. ‘So, Kitty. I think it’s time you came in and we all had a bit of a chat. OK?’
I just stared back at her.
‘OK?’ she said again.
‘Where’s my dad?’ I asked, taking my eyes off her and casting them around. The front door was closed and the curtains were drawn.
‘He’s inside. We’d like to talk to you. All of us together.’
I thought about this. ‘And have some food?’ My stomach was now seriously starting to pain me, the hunger arriving like a big, crushing wave, hurling me against sharp rocks, again and again. It’s only then I realised how much time had passed.
‘Of course! It’s a bit late to call it lunch, now it’s nearly four, but you can have an early tea.’ She smiled even wider, then said to Adah, ‘I’m sorry, sweetness, we’re going to have to end your day of forest play here for today. Kitty has some things she needs to do.’
Adah smiled back. ‘That’s OK. I better get back off home now too.’
‘Good, good.’ Amanda beamed at her. There was so much smiling going on, it was making me feel very uncomfortable. I didn’t think anyone should be smiling at this moment.
Amanda opened the door, swinging it wide, then stepped forward and took hold of my shoulder. Before I could properly think about shrugging it off, she’d chucked her cigarette away with her free hand and grabbed hold of my other shoulder to guide me inside. The last thing I saw before the door swung closed was Adah, standing amidst the falling leaves in her turquoise coat. Giving me a little wave.