Feeling suspicious of Steward, Ben doesn’t contact his boss when they move him and Freya back to RAF Digby. Instead he destroys his mobile phone and leaves the remnants of it in the old house. He also doesn’t take his work laptop, passing it instead to Ray Martin to return to MI6.
His mind is a mess. He can’t believe that Mia has been taken, nor that she appeared to go willingly. It was just as Michael had warned, back when they were first in protective custody. Now he wishes he’d listened harder. He hadn’t really believed the things Michael had said about Mia being triggered. It just wasn’t possible that she could become someone else. But Ben knows it had been the same with Michael for a time too, he had just hoped that it wouldn’t work on her, or, better still, that the Network would never find her.
Now, back in the family apartments at the barracks, Ben feels helpless. All he wants to do is find Mia and bring her back home to safety, but Ray has ordered him to stay with Freya.
Ben feeds Freya some baby food followed by formula milk because she’s fractious. After she’s eaten, he places her down on the floor on her baby mat. In the last few hours since they’d arrived at the barracks, Freya has begun to flip herself over onto her front. Ben watches her do it again and his heart hurts because he knows that Mia would be so thrilled to see this progress. The thought brings tears to his eyes and makes him feel even more useless. What kind of agent was he that he couldn’t protect his own wife?
Ben feels responsible for what’s happened. He’d known that Steward was spying on Archive, but not why. Though he suspected it was some sort of pissing contest between Steward and Ray Martin. If it hadn’t been for the fact that he hadn’t wanted to give up his career, Ben and Mia would have been off the radar. He’d have been with her all the time too, ready to defend her, and Jack Harman wouldn’t have had to fight off three of the Network’s thugs alone. Ben is sure he had been followed after one of the meetings Steward had insisted on having. He’s always known Steward to be a prick. Now he is paying for ignoring his instincts. He should have stayed away from Steward and MI6.
For the first time since they’d had their daughter, Ben regrets their decision to become a family. Not because he doesn’t love Freya – he does, and it is agony – but because he can’t help wondering if Mia was somehow activated into desiring motherhood and becoming a breeder for the Network. From the point when Mia left their home, leaving Freya behind, it feels to Ben like nothing in his life is genuine: a thought that sinks inside him and causes deep regret. Hadn’t Mia once felt the same when she’d learned that Ben had pursued her in his attempts to take down Beech? He can’t help believing that this was all karma.
A knock at the door of the flat brings him away from his dark thoughts.
No one is supposed to know they’re there, so he checks the spyhole in the door first. It’s Ray Martin. He opens the door.
‘Can I come in?’ Ray says.
Ben steps back and allows Ray to enter.
‘Can I get you a drink?’ Ben asks, remembering his manners.
‘I’m not here for a social call. I received this today,’ Ray says.
Ray holds out a letter that is addressed to Ben. Ben looks at it, recognizing Mia’s handwriting. His heart begins to beat harder as a rush of fear-soaked adrenaline races through his body.
‘It came in an envelope that was postmarked three days ago,’ Ray says. ‘There was a letter to me, asking me to give this to you unopened. As it’s addressed to you, I didn’t open it until Mia went missing. I had to then. I hope you understand. It’s from Mia. You need to read this now.’
Ben’s hand is shaking as he takes the envelope. He looks down at the handwriting again. His wife has a particular scrawl, often hurried and untidy, and his name on the front has those usual rushed curves. Ben pulls the letter from the already opened envelope to see a handwritten note. Unlike the urgent penmanship on the front, the handwriting inside is neater and appears to be carefully considered.
Ben,
Today I began to remember something very important. I’m going to be gone soon and you’ll want to come looking for me, but this is what I need you to do. You have to stay with Freya and keep her safe. They want her Ben. You know who I’m talking about and I don’t need to spell it out here. But they can’t have her and you must be that last line of defence.
I know what I’m asking will be difficult for you to do. But don’t leave Freya in the care of anyone else. Not even for a moment.
You can’t trust anyone now. Especially me.
I love you.
Mia xxx
Ben lets Ray take the letter from his trembling fingers. The blood has surged into his face. He feels hot and feverish and very scared.
‘I guess she finally remembered who she is,’ Ray says.
‘But what does this mean? Even if she remembers she can’t forget who she has been. She can’t forget our life together,’ Ben says. ‘She can’t want to be parted from Freya!’
He slumps down onto the sofa near Freya. The little girl is on her stomach again and rocking back and forth as though she’s working out how to crawl for the first time. Ben is in shock. He feels alone and afraid. An emotion he’s unused to. He stares down at his daughter and his mind tries to anticipate a future as a single parent.
‘We’ll find her,’ Ray says.
Ben looks up at him. His eyes are wet with unshed tears.
‘But what then? She’s changed now and forever lost to us as who she was,’ Ben says.
‘Not necessarily. Michael was able to combat his conditioning. He remembered his real self and chose to be true to it,’ Ray says.
‘What if we speak to Michael? Maybe he’ll remember something that could help,’ Ben says.
‘Michael has gone AWOL. He’s looking for Mia himself,’ Ray says.
‘Oh my god, that idiot. It’s exactly what they’ll want him to do. And when they have them both we’ll never find them again,’ Ben says.
‘I know this is hard to hear,’ Ray says. ‘But you need to concentrate on Freya’s safety now. We’re going to keep you both on base for the foreseeable future. No excursions without security. And, as Mia said, don’t leave the baby with anyone. She just isn’t safe.’
Ben looks down at his daughter again and then the tears finally come. He feels like he’s breaking apart as, like a cavern that both he and Freya may topple into, the very real possibility of a future without Mia looms before him.
Ray pats his back in an awkward gesture of sympathy, then he turns and leaves the apartment without another word.
He’s just as shell-shocked as me, Ben thinks.
When the door closes behind Ray, Ben picks up Freya and holds her. She’s so like Mia that he feels the urge to cry again. But instead he tries to smile at the baby.
‘We’ll be okay,’ he says. ‘Uncle Ray will get Mummy back for us. Just you wait and see.’
He doesn’t believe the words that he uses to soothe Freya, but he hopes that somehow, by some miracle, they will come true. Because Ben doesn’t want to do this alone. He’s a spy, not a single parent, and has never seen himself in any other role, even as he’d fallen in love with Mia and started their ‘normal’ life together.
His heart aches and the confusion and stress of the situation gives him the urge to run away from it all, as Mia appears to have done.
‘I’m not cut out for this,’ he says to Freya.
But then, Mia’s words come back to him. You can’t trust anyone. Especially me.
‘But I’ll do my best to make sure you’re safe,’ he says. ‘Not matter how hard it is.’
Freya gurgles and giggles and Ben smiles despite how heartbroken he’s feeling. At least he has the unconditional love of his daughter. And Freya needs him. It’s the most important job he’s ever had in his life.