Chapter Twenty-Three

 

"Listeners, don't forget — this Friday is 'The Best of Heart Therapy,' featuring our most memorable callers from this summer's broadcast, so save your calls for Monday's show," said Em. "Thanks again to everyone who called in today, and a special reminder goes out to Lorraine in Munsee to please call again and share updates on her marriage. I'm Doctor Emma, wishing you all a great weekend."

"That's a wrap," said Isabel. She pulled off her headset and rose from her chair, opening the sound booth door. "So, big plans for this weekend? Seeing anybody?" she asked, teasingly.

"No," Em answered, trying not to smile. "I'm not. And I don't want any blind dates, either."

"Come on. You haven't gone out with anybody since you broke up with Frank. Aren't you ready to see what kind of guys are out there?"

"I know what kind of guys are out there," Em answered. "A lot more like Frank. I'm just not ready for that yet. Give me some time."

"You're holding out for one of those knights in shining armor. One of those magic guys who's read Relationship Realities and braved the world of chivalry?" said Isabel. "Those guys are rare, like unicorns."

"I won't argue with that," said Em.

She didn't know what she was holding out for, truthfully. She just wasn't romantically interested in anyone around her. There were nice guys, ordinary guys, decent guys, and, as Isabel always put it, 'drop dead beautiful' guys — but there was just no spark worth encouraging between herself and any of them.

Once, Isabel had accused her of holding out for Colin. "You know," she said, "you haven't been the same since him. I can't put my finger on it, but it's different. And that's when you broke up with Frank, after all..."

"No," said Em, forcefully. "No. I didn't break up with Frank for Co—Doctor Ferris. I just came to my senses at that moment, about the reality between Frank and me. It was nothing more."

It wasn't, of course, except for Colin's part in opening her eyes. Isabel would understand if she told her the truth, but a part of Em was afraid that her producer would somehow read more into that truth than existed. For instance, that she missed Colin now that he was gone, or felt a tiny twinge of regret that she hadn't agreed to the reality show, just so he wouldn't have disappeared into his academic world again.

Well, maybe not desperately enough to do the reality show. But desperate enough to have kept the idea alive a few weeks. At least until she and Colin were really friends, and it wouldn't matter if there was no project to tie them together.

No, not possible. Their relationship was the type that always needed a project to survive. She was kidding herself if she thought otherwise.

At home in her bedroom, she changed from jeans and a blouse into her dress for tonight's party for Norma Sedderly's book signing. Norma had been a guest on her show in September — another forced promo from Bill Lucas — and they had become friends enough that Norma invited her to celebrate the signing for her second self-help book, The Two of Us Together: Couplehood Guidance for Individuals.

Nobody was there whom Emma knew, except Norma. The author's apartment was strung in brightly-colored Chinese lanterns, the food mostly hand-prepared by a friend of hers in the catering business, the crowd a mix of therapists, proofreaders, editors, and single friends. One of whom, Norma's agent, Gary, crowded annoyingly close to Em's elbow for the first part of the evening.

"I'm always looking for new blood, if you know what I mean. Fresh meat. Different voices." He grinned at her. "Maybe we should go to dinner sometime and talk about it. You could do a fantastic book. Built-in audience. That just screams success, don't you think?"

Em noticed the pale band of skin on his left-hand ring finger, denoting the recent absence of its metal circle. "I'm not really much of a pen and paper kind of therapist," she answered. "I'm really happy with the radio career I have."

"But everybody's a writer, Emily," he said. Em could see Norma at the appetizer's buffet, mouthing the word 'Emma' in Gary's direction, something the agent didn't notice. "If you sat down and tried to put the words you say on paper, it would be genius. Or we could always get a ghost."

"A ghost?" Em almost laughed, not picturing an anonymous writer, but a transparent, phantom figure at the keyboard.

"Yes, you know. The industry term for a writer's proxy — never mind it, though, those are the kind of details that I'd be concerned with as —"

"Gary, be a sweetheart and go help Annette pour the champagne, will you?" asked Norma. "I'm thinking about making a toast."

"Sure thing." He set his glass on the table. "You keep thinking about my offer," he said to Em, with an exaggerated wink, before disappearing into the packed crowd in Norma's apartment.

"Sorry." Norma breathed a sigh. "Gary's so intense sometimes. Not just since Tanya left him, either."

"It's all right," said Em. "No agent has ever won me over yet, so I'm not afraid."

"Let me introduce you to somebody else," said Norma. "There's somebody I think you'd like to meet. A friend of mine, he's really nice, but kind of reserved. You two might really hit it off, I think." She scanned the crowd. "Now, where is he?"

Em followed her through the clusters of guests. "Alice, have you seen Dan?" Norma was asking someone.

"Over there with Steve and Carrie by the hall door," answered her friend.

They were squeezing themselves in that direction now, until Norma bumped the elbow of one of her guests. "Oh, I'm sorry, Colin."

"Not at all." He steadied his arm — one clad in a brown corduroy jacket — along with the punch cup in his hand.

At the sound of his name, and the sound of his voice, Em had momentarily frozen. Colin Ferris was standing a couple of feet in front of her. At a party. With people.

"Emma, you know Colin, right? Of course you do, what am I thinking?" Norma smacked her forehead dramatically. "You two were 'The Harriet Project.' Anyway, this is Louisa and Rodrigo, my audio book voice and my proofreader."

Em said she was happy to meet them. She smiled politely and shook hands, murmuring a compliment or two for their work, as Norma’s attention was claimed by another guest with a question that was business-related. Then Emma turned to Colin.

"How are you?" She forced a smile into place. Her lips trembled at the edges, as if she were nervous — why on earth was she nervous?

"I'm fine," he said. "And you?"

"Same as always," she said, with a shrug.

"Good." He sounded slightly nervous, too, she noticed.

"So ... Doctor Colin Ferris at a party," said Em. "And I thought you had no friends in Seattle."

"I, um, made some," he answered. "Norma is one of Catherine's clients, you see. And there are a few people from the university's psychology department here also. That's why I'm here — she cited one of my papers."

"Did she? I didn't know," answered Em, softly.

"Not the one I told you about," he said. "An older one."

"Don't you just love his book?" Louisa piped up now. "I read it twice. If I met a guy anything like that, I would marry him in a heartbeat."

"It would be hard to say 'no,' if he proposed," Em answered, politely. Her heart was beating strangely fast.

"I haven't read it," said Roderigo, sounding slightly bored. "But everybody I know is talking about it. Especially women."

"It's a good book," said Em. "A great book. I would recommend it. But you have to take your time reading it, if you want to really understand what it's trying to say." She was looking at Roderigo, then at the buffet, then something over Colin's shoulder — anything to avoid his face, because her self-control felt rattled. She felt her cheeks growing hot with the awareness that Colin was looking at her.

"Would you excuse me?" She set her punch glass on the table and turned away from them, pushing her way gently through the crowd.

Ahead, glass patio doors leading out onto Norma's balcony. They were slightly ajar, so Em slid one open and slipped outside. The air was cool, a sharp breeze against her bare arms, ruffling the skirt of her pink party dress. She rested her hands on the rail, above Norma's boxes of chrysanthemums.

What was wrong with her? Was it the surprise of seeing Colin? If so, this was a ridiculous reaction. Maybe there was something in Norma's punch — maybe one of her guests had spiked it too generously or something.

She was taking a deep breath of fresh air to clear her head when she heard the patio door slide open again. It was Colin, she thought. She didn't turn around at first, taking another deep breath before looking over her shoulder to see him standing there.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes. I'm fine." She turned around now. "I think the crowd in the room was a little too much. It's getting stuffy in there."

"It is," he agreed. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, Em noticed. He slid them into his pockets.

"It's been a long time since I've seen you," he said.

"Months," she answered.

"I heard about you and Frank."

"Did you?" she asked, uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry. When I told you ... I didn't intend it to break apart your relationship."

She shook her head. "You were right, I guess. I wasn't fine with being his ghost writer. Or with Janet in the picture." Her smile was wry, but not truly bitter. He deserved to know he was right, she decided. In a way, she was glad to know he hadn't gone on believing her blind to Frank's faults.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, gently.

"You don't have to keep saying it, Colin."

"But I would like to. I was hoping that if we met again, we'd meet as friends. I didn't want you to think of me the way you did the last time we spoke."

"I don't," Em answered. "I'm sorry if that's what you've believed all this time."

"I've been trying harder," he said. "Your words about being open have made me think it's time I reached out and tried something new. Perhaps even make a transition from being a therapist on paper, to being one in person. The way we were with Harriet, that is."

"You were really good with her," said Em. "I think maybe she owes more of her success to you than to me."

"Hardly." He smiled, faintly. "You were the better listener."

"But you were the one who really understood her."

They could argue about this all night, Em thought. It certainly took the tension out of meeting again. The awkward pauses which had vanished during these remarks were now returning again.

"We seem to be friends now," he ventured. "If so, I'm glad. I would like that. Being your friend."

"So would I." She nodded.

"Who knows," he said, studying the balcony's concrete, "we might become good friends, in time. If we see more of each other, that is."

"Why not?" Em answered. Her voice sounded hollow.

He met her gaze, but there was something in his eyes which hurt Emma, and made her knees weaken at the same time. She realized that tears were stinging the edges of her eyes, slowly gathering even as she blinked fiercely. What was the matter with her?

Colin held out his hand. "Friends?" he asked.

"Friends." She took hold of it. They weren't shaking hands, although their fingers held onto each other. His hand was trembling. Em's felt cold. It was because of the weather, she thought.

"It's cold out here," he said, echoing her thoughts. "You should go inside."

"I'm fine," she answered, after a moment's pause to find her voice.

"Take my coat, then," he offered, moving to shrug it off.

"No, no — I'm fine," she answered. "You keep it." She might lose her self-possession if she felt his coat around her shoulders. Because Emma knew that it wasn't friendship she was feeling for Colin. It was more than a mere attraction, and anything more would drive her from calm to unpredictability.

"Are you coming inside?" he asked, after a pause.

She nodded. "In a moment. Don't worry about me." She turned away, as if admiring the view of the city. Calm, Em. Be calm. Don't say or do anything crazy — what on earth would he think of you?

"Then ... I suppose I'll see you there." He was going inside, she knew. He turned towards the patio doors. He took two steps in that direction, then stopped and turned around again.

"Emma, please —" That was as far as he got before his helpless tone dissolved. That tone, the thread of hopefulness and pain in it, was too much for her. Without a second thought, without rational hesitation, Em turned and closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around Colin's neck as she kissed him. Hard.

He would be startled and pull away from her. He would be shocked by this sudden move, she told herself. But as Colin slid his arms around her and kissed her back, she felt no surprise in response. Nothing but the thrill of complete satisfaction.

He pulled away from her, gently. "How did you know?" he asked.

"I read your book," she answered. She laid her cheek against his own as his arms held her tightly.