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KAYLA
Dylan didn’t say much as we hiked back up to the bike. I still couldn’t believe that we were on one of the most dangerous beaches in Hawaii. It didn’t seem like it as we had just enjoyed being with each other.
We changed at the condos and Dylan still didn’t talk a whole lot. I couldn’t read his mind with the new twists in our relationship. I wasn’t sure what anything meant anymore. There was a modicum of predictability before we’d gotten to the island and I was more out of my element than I’d originally thought I would be. I felt like our situation had put us in a new type of relationship and I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with the new boundary changes.
The app beeped. “Oh, wow. I think you’ve spoiled the app. You must not have posted anything in the last couple hours.” I laughed and looked at the list of tasks we still had to do. We were supposed to try something new together, which I was pretty sure we’d already submitted multiple pictures of proof. We hadn’t taken any selfies or logged in at the Queen’s Bath, which would probably qualify as not dying – a new one for each of us.
We could try a new restaurant. Dylan and I both loved eating. “How about we try that restaurant we passed here in Kapa’a.” I couldn’t get many words out of Dylan and I wasn’t sure what I had done. Because, of course, it had to be me. Dylan was affable with everyone he met except me. He’d even been pleasant to the maid we’d encountered in the hall.
“That’s fine. I’m going to change.” Dylan ducked into the bathroom.
I slumped onto the edge of the bed. What was going on? What was I doing? I closed the app and winced at the calendar that showed up on my phone home page.
Two days. I only had two days left and then I was going home. Would I be going home as Mrs. Drake? Or would I be going home with a memorable vacation behind me and a cold friendship ahead of me?
I needed a break from the hard to resist romance Dylan filled my days and nights with. I needed a little bit of time to decide what I wanted to do. Of course, staying with Dylan was ideal. Hadn’t we proven over the last few days how perfect we were for each other? We hadn’t even fought. Even though Dylan was kind of cranky acting, he had to be tired after taking care of me and doing all the crazy activities we’d been up to. Plus, I had just gotten over the flu, maybe he was getting it. I don’t even know where I got it from. His getting sick would make sense since he’d been locked with me in the condo for the time I was sick.
Googling restaurants, I called to Dylan through the door. “Let’s go to Hukilau Lanai’s and get the Candied Ahi and BBQ Ribs. We have to do something none of us have done before. We’re almost done with these tasks. Did you know you’ve logged almost all of the tasks? This one just says an activity can’t count for more than one task. So, we can go to Hukilau’s for our first time.”
He opened the door, dressed in a clean pair of board shorts and a dark green shirt which set off his eyes. Dylan nodded, straining his shoulders and forcing a smile. “Sounds good.”
Was I that hard to be around? What had happened? “It’s close enough, we can just walk.” I suggested with a smile, but I could tell it was as forced as his.
When we arrived, I ordered the appetizers I’d recommended as well as the Hukilau Mixed Grill which came with three island grilled fresh fish and some fun sides from the chefs. Dylan disappeared to the front of the restaurant. He couldn’t have gone to the restroom since a discreet sign at the back of the restaurant located them in the rear.
I rested my elbow on the edge of my table and looked out the window at the crashing waves just beyond the green landscape. We were just down the beach from our hotel. Our walk had only taken us three minutes. I sipped on the ice water our waitress brought us and glanced around the quiet restaurant. We were a little early for the entertainment advertised at the front door. Thursday nights probably weren’t extremely busy before six.
A man walked by, glancing at my table and then at me. He slowed and pointed at the seat across from me which was still empty, making me feel a little self-conscious. “Is it just you?”
Where was Dylan? I shook my head softly with a slight smile. “No. My... Husband is in the restroom.” The term didn’t feel foreign coming off my tongue, which frightened me more than if it had. Maybe while Dylan was gone, I should take a few minutes and figure out which way I was going to go with my decision.
He nodded, smiling. Holding out a hand with a large wedding ring on it, he smiled again. “My wife often leaves me to go to the restroom at meals, too. She says clean hands make for more delicious food. I am Ricco and I own this humble place. Did you order any pupus, I’m sorry, appetizers?” He spun the chair around and took a seat beside me, smiling as we talked.
Ricco was pleasant and he spoke often of his wife. The minutes crawled past and for the first time in a while, irritation welled inside me at Dylan’s desertion. Where had he gone? Why wasn’t he the one I laughed with and spoke with? What was out front? He wasn’t in the bathroom. I was tempted to get up and go find him.
I laughed at something Ricco said and suddenly Dylan was there, his hands clenched and his shoulders bunched up. He snarled at Ricco who made his excuses and shot me a glance of apology before disappearing. Dylan took me by the hand and pulled me outside. I followed, unclear what was going on.
Startled, I yanked him to a stop on the edge of the parking lot, where the blacktop met the green grass. Jerking a thumb over my shoulder toward the restaurant, I thrust my chin to the side. “That was rude. What are you doing? I was talking to him.”
“Stop flirting with everyone.” He said it through clenched teeth and tight lips. Dylan’s gaze bore into mine.
“I’m not. He’s married. He owns the restaurant. He wanted to talk to someone since they were so slow and he saw I was all alone. For quite a while. Have you been drinking? Why were you gone so long?” I crossed my arms and stepped back. Where had my Dylan gone? The man in front of me was acting so weird. He hadn’t been normal since the Queen’s Bath. Maybe the potential danger of the situation was getting to him.
Dylan closed his eyes and shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He sighed, pacing in front of me while I watched. He finally stopped walking and looked at me with tormented eyes. “I’m sorry. I went to get you this.” He thrust a silver embossed black jewelry box into my hand and shook his head. Backing up, he searched the area for something – maybe an escape?
“What is this?” I stood with a hand on my hip and the box held at arm’s length as if it might bite me. I hadn’t made up my mind yet and there he was already deciding for me – if in fact, it was what it looked like. Thankfully, he didn’t drop to one knee.
Dylan watched me closely with an air of stillness about him as if he suspected I would act exactly like I was acting. Did he know my doubts? Could he read in me the fear of going further with him?
He spoke quietly, like he didn’t want to spook me. His eyes flickered as he searched my face and then fell to the box I still hadn’t opened or allowed too close to my body. He set his jaw. “I was worried. I had some things to get through about this afternoon, but I decided to shove them aside. I went to get your gift and I came back, excited... only to find you with that man.”
I ignored his obvious attempt to accuse me of something I wasn’t ready to be accused of. “Why would you be worried?”
“Because I was worried you wouldn’t be there.” He thrust a finger at the ground. “I’m worried that you’re going to leave. You take it for granted that I’m always here, but I never take any of the time you’re with me for granted. I know you’re a flight risk.”
I did. I did take him for granted, but only because I knew I would always keep him close. He was the only thing I needed in the world and he was worried I wouldn’t be there. Even if the romance wasn’t permanent, our friendship was. I thought he knew that. I thought he understood the circumstances of our relationship. He’d never spoken to me like that before. I pointed it out quietly. “You’ve never spoken like that to me. I didn’t know you felt that way.” How long had he felt like that? Since we’d started the whole stupid journey? Or longer?
“I’ve never had the right. I’ve never had the right to tell you how I feel and expect more from you than just treating me like one of your girlfriends.” He lifted his chin and I saw him for the proud man he was.
Where had I gone wrong? At what point was I abusing our relationship? I suddenly felt like such a horrible person and friend. But none of that defended or explained where he felt he was justified in treating me the way that he had. “No. You don’t have that right. You’ve never had that right and you never will. I don’t treat you like one of my girlfriends. I treat you like Dylan. Nothing has changed.” I didn’t know what to do with the box so I dropped the hand to my side where it hung limply.
Deflated, Dylan’s shoulders slumped and he half-turned from me. He lifted his head and looked at me from the side. “So... none of this has been real?”
What was he asking? Was he demanding an answer right then? Because I didn’t have one. I couldn’t tell him yes and give him everything only to take it away later. Once I committed to marriage it would be forever and I wasn’t absolutely sure Dylan and I were perfect for each other besides the perfection of the last few days in a place where everything was already perfect.
Plus, I didn’t like how jealous he was. We didn’t do jealous and if I always had to curb it, why didn’t he?
“Romance never is for me. I haven’t found the right guy yet.” I couldn’t quit lying to his face. At the same time, though, I couldn’t be that vulnerable. Not yet. Even with him.
“Now you’re lumping me in with other guys?” Hurt strangled his voice.
I almost reached out to him, to reassure him that we would always be together, even if I didn’t choose the path he obviously wanted. I nodded but said no. Even my body didn’t want me to treat him or the situation the way I was. My body longed to be in his arms, my heart longed to be with him, my spirit sought him.
But everything I was afraid of screamed at me to run.
Lifting my head, I smiled. “You can leave. They always do.” It was like I challenged him. Challenged him to leave, challenged him to be what I knew he was dying to be – what every man was meant to be.
I always pushed the men away, took their choice away so that it was in my control and not theirs. That way, no one had the opportunity to hurt me.
Hardening myself against the pain I saw in Dylan’s eyes was easier, if I didn’t inspect too closely the fact that I’d caused it with a callousness I wasn’t usually predisposed to.
He stepped nearer to me, his throat working as he tried to speak. His voice fell into a whisper and it was like there were no cars in the street, no waves rushing in, and no breeze blowing the coconut tree fronds above us. It was just us in that space and in that time. “I’m tired of trying to convince you I’m not the other guys. I’m not your dad.”
“I didn’t ask you to convince me of anything.” It was the first fight we’d ever been in. The first real fight I had feared for so long. I would blame it on the romance aspect. That was it. Until we’d introduced the romance, we were perfect and now... I pasted a smile to my face. “It’s okay. I know better than to believe in forever. Fights ruin everything.”
“You think we won’t work because of a fight? This isn’t even a real fight.” He reached out with both hands, as if he was going to pull me into his arms to console me.
Taking the opportunity to thrust the box back into his hands, I sidestepped from his grasp, smirking as if I couldn’t be bothered anymore. We’d gone too far for my comfort level. Without the opportunity to make my decision and stand by it, I was being shoved into the norm for my decisions – flee. “Yep. It’s the beginning of the end.” Upset wasn’t the word I would use for how I felt. But I wouldn’t let him come closer. I had prepared myself for this.
I could handle it. I had to.
But Dylan... This would destroy him. But he’d promised we could go back to normal. I had to hold onto that. I had let the illusion go too far with him. It was all my fault and I was willing to accept responsibility for it, but I needed to be able to have the default in place. That would be my saving grace.
He bit his lip, the shadow of his stubble enhancing the angles of his face and the dark tortured pain in his eyes. Then, before I could react, he reached out and took his hand in mine, slapping the box into my palm.
I closed my fingers around the soft angles. “Just go.” The words were wrenched from my mouth and I wanted him to leave. I begged him to leave with my eyes.
My body hated me as I refused to cry. I wouldn’t cry.
And just like the man I knew him to be, Dylan did what I wanted – what he wanted.
He turned and walked away.