APPENDIX IV

FULL COMPANY NOTES

This is how many people it takes to put on one performance of Jersey Boys.

©Daniel Robert Sullivan

This section is for die-hard Jersey Boys fans only! For a couple of years, Nathan Scherich, a swing with the National Tour and Broadway companies, put together a monthly newsletter for Jersey Boys companies worldwide. “The Old Neighborhood ” is filled with funny columns for everyone associated with the show to enjoy during their down-time. My contribution to the newsletter was a recurring section of “Full Company Notes, ” changes in the show that I sarcastically asked cast members to make. If you are a true fan, perhaps you will find some of these notes amusing:

• All: Trust in this material. You don ’t need to “act ” it. Just lay back and let the words tell the story simply and without too much nuance. Trust that the audience will “get it ” and just stay in your dressing rooms all night while we let them read the script silently to themselves.
• All: In the spirit of ensemble-based theatre, the show will now be referred to as Jersey Boys and Girls. And Thugs. And Knuckles.
• Knuckles: When you hear “Apple of My Eye, ” please take a moment to silently rock inside your head. Then, very tenderly, mutter something about “them not writing ’em like that anymore… ”
• All: No more new jokes, new beats, or “improvements. ” The show is frozen. (hee-hee)
• All: In keeping with the show ’s growth and improvement, certain changes are to be expected. That said, Sunday we will be performing Gypsy.
• Nick Massi: Yes, you may play Mama Rose.
• The Dodgers have convinced America ’s Got Talent to incorporate a new performance category. “Fake Piano Playing ” debuts next week.
• Tommy: If you don ’t get your exit applause, go back and do your monologue again.
• All: The film version is coming, and will have to have a “name ” actor in the principal role. Offers are out to James Gandolfini and Paul Reubens. (Casting Director Merri Sugarman loves Paul Reubens.)
• All: Ok, I made that up about Merri loving Paul Reubens. I mean, she probably did when he was rockin ’ that psychedelic kid ’s show, but that porn stuff just put him in the crazy pile.
• Tommy: After your first card trick, show Frankie your upside-down straightjacket escape.
• All: In an attempt to visualize the boys ’ Catholic background, please genuflect before entering the spiral staircase.
• All: John Lloyd Young has just released a CD of Neil Sedaka covers. Please support.
• Gyp: In an attempt to visualize the boys ’ Catholic background, please turn the wine into blood at the last supper Sit-Down scene.
• Bob: Line change for consistency… “We make a partnership. I give you half of the first 60% of everything I write, excluding subsidiary compositional changes up to 35% of the initial investment, you give me half of the first two-thirds of everything you record outside the group, except in such instances as original band members gathering in 50-50 side projects to produce quick-head arranged Christmas albums. ” This will make everything clearer.
• Priest in “Fallen Angel ”: In an attempt to visualize the boys ’ Catholic background, please X???#X???#X???#X???# X???#. (This note censored by the Archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey.)
• All: Instead of the Seabreeze Lounge, Gyp ’s club will now be called the Febreze Lounge. But don ’t tell him.
• All: Production Supervisor Richard Hester says these notes are “global changes. ” Don ’tcha just love it when he says, “global changes? ” Aww, Richard, you ’re so cute. Don ’t ever change. (Please note that all global changes will change again next month.)
• Norm: After you say, “Tommy ’s put me in an awkward position, ” pause as you recall the last awkward position he put you in. The one with the blender.
• All: In light of new historical info, the two women who bring Tommy dinner will now be (1) pregnant and (2) carrying a baby. For the baby, we will use a lifelike doll or (where contractually possible) the actor playing Joe Pesci.
• Tommy: Line change… “Go home. Make your wife happy, even if it takes forty-five minutes to an hour. ”
• Band: In a money-saving move, all JB companies will have Keyboard Two replaced with that guy who plays the accordion and has cymbals on his knees.
• All: Jersey Boys will now end after the Big Three. But we will be running on the twenty-three show schedule.
• All: The five notes listed immediately above this one were actually co-written with other members of the JB: Toronto cast. Please judge them.
• All: Rick Elice says not to worry too much about being word-perfect. The lines are just an outline. Like good parents, they guide; they do not dictate.
• Knuckles: Please see me for an additional three-hundred-and-twelve pages of notes for you.
• All: Richard Hester has recommended we take fifteen minutes of running time off the show. Bob Crewe, two of your comic bits are cut. That should do it.
• All: A note from the Marketing Department…Company vehicles will be re-wired so that all honk-honk ’s will now be hoyt-hoyt ’s.
• Frankie: Line change… “So we hold auditions and find a couple of guys: Nick Carter and A.J. McLean, both Backstreet Boys. ”
• All: Capitalizing on our strengths, we will now be selling Jersey Boys Swimsuit Calendars in the lobby. Francine, Mary, and Lorraine should each choose a month, and Bob Crewe will cover the remaining nine.
• Frankie: Please adjust your line to read, “Tommy was paying me twelve bucks a night when he was making a hundred and fifty. And he paid me in Canadian. So, really I was only making ten bucks a night USD gross, with the minimum fifteen percent non-resident withholding and taxable per diem, resulting in a ridiculous tax bill that April. ”
• All: The final moments of “Who Loves You ” look terrific, but we need a little more action with those handheld six-inch mics. From now on, all Seasons should keep their right hand grasped firmly around their six-inch mics at all times. Nick should put his six-inch mic directly into Tommy ’s hands whenever possible. Bob, you should grab hold of whatever six-inch mics you can and gently rub them before showing your own six-inch mic to the audience. Frankie should dance around, waving his battery-powered six-inch mic and moving his mouth very close to Bob ’s six-inch mike (of course). Through all this, Tommy should mutter something about winter being cold and make a face like he ’s giving an excuse. (Note: Crewe will clean all six-inch mics after each performance.)
• All: Due to budget cuts, vocal doublers will now be telecommuting.
• Lorraine and Crewe: During “Silhouettes, ” we will now provide a shadow screen for you to actually create the silhouettes described in the song. (So hot.)
• Gyp: Instead of “My Mother ’s Eyes, ” please request that Frankie sing, “Pinball Wizard. ” (It was such a hit for Des in the 90s…)
• Frankie: After you say “running all over the map like a cockroach, ” please act it out.
• All: Allstate is now offering “Falling Down a Hole in the Stage When the Lift Fails ” insurance with coverage for loss of limb and death.
• Frankie: When the cop tells you to make out your autograph to “Love Muffin, ” you should actually write “Low-Fat Blueberry Muffin. ” That will be wicked funny.
• All: Allstate ’s Risk Analysis Department has withdrawn its previous offer. No further information is available.
• Tommy: To help you with your opening speech, please place an emphasis on the second syllable of the word, “French. ”
• Frankie: “Fallen Angel ” will now be replaced by the title song from “Grease. ” It is not as emotional, but it charted higher.
• Bob: When Finney at the record company asks, “What are you, busting my chops? ” please respond with, “Yes, I am, ” then proceed to bust his chops big time.
• Frankie: In the tradition of John Lloyd, you must live like a monk to protect your voice. To promote this idea, you will now be required to make beer and jam for the rest of the cast on your day off.
• Knuckles: Eh. Never mind.
• All: We are missing an obvious opportunity. Jersey Boys: Newark Company will open next fall. The theatre will be next to a dump, next to a landfill, next to a liquor store, next to a five-floor walk-up, next to a rehab center, next to an off-track betting, next to…
• Hair Department: Please add a merkin. Anywhere. On anyone.
• Frankie: During your phone call when you hear Francine has died, we will now have Charlie Brown teacher sounds playing on the other end of the line.
• Tommy: Instead of “Tu stronzo disgraziato, ” please tell Frankie, “Voglio che tu dentro di me. ” ( “I want you inside me. ”)
• All: A note from Music Supervisor Ron Melrose…Please make sure you articulate “Marianne ” so people don ’t think you ’re saying “Mary Ann. ”
• Joey, Barry, Knuckles: During “Can ’t Take My Eyes Off of You, ” instead of playing a fake C# and F, please play a fake E and G#.
• All: Like Les Mis before it, Jersey Boys Jr. will premier at Long Island ’s Middletown Elementary School next fall.
• All: With Jersey Boys Jr., we will need to make some script changes. All references to “wine ” will be changed to “fruit punch, ” and all uses of the word “fuck ” will be changed to “mother fuckin. ” (Because mothers will likely attend the performances.)
• All: If any Frankie gives you attitude, please refer to him as “Cranky. ”
• All: If any Frankie whines too much, please refer to him as “Francine. ”
• Bob and Crewe: When Frankie says, “It ’s like the Stations of the Cross, ” please present tableaus of the Stations of the Cross. Especially the one where Veronica wipes the face of Jesus and his face appears on the cloth. That ’s some freaky shit.
• French Rapper: Instead of “Ces Soir, ” you will now be singing “Pants on the Ground. ” It ’s a YouTube sensation.
• Knuckles: Good choices.
• Frankie: After you say, “You ’re right. I don ’t want to hear this, ” turn on your iPod and go home.
• Norm: New line… “You ’re moving to Vegas. ” “Vegas? For what? ” “The new Wheel of Fortune slot machines at Harrah ’s. ” (I know this note isn ’t very funny, but have you ever tried those Wheel of Fortune slots? They are so fun, I had to give them a shout out.)
• All: Due to illness, each company will now have five swings, three universal swings, three non-performing understudies, four partial swings, and seventeen non-union covers.
• All: Previous note revoked. Producers are willing to take their chances.
• Frankie: In the first-date scene, instead of asking Mary, “So, this is a pretty nice place, huh? ” please ask her, “So, have you read Eat, Pray, Love? ” (And don ’t question this note. It will inspire her. Trust me.)
• Frankie: When Tommy points to Mary and says, “Hey Frankie, Type A, ” whatever you do, don ’t respond with, “But Tommy, Type A individuals are described as impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, and aggressive individuals who have difficulty relaxing. They are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays. ” Quoting Wikipedia will never get you anywhere. Seriously.
• All: By now you are aware that Jersey Boys only allows one male and one female at a time to take vacation. To accommodate your special requests, the actor playing Joe Pesci will now be considered female under this rule, allowing Pesci and Tommy to vacation together forevermore.
• Norm Waxman: In honor of the latest Karate Kid remake, please Waxman on and Waxman off. Waxman on. Waxman off. Waxman on. Waxman off.
• Stage Management: From now on, Frankie ’s line “He couldn ’t help himself! ” will be an acceptable excuse for anything related to the show. Why was he late for half-hour? He couldn ’t help himself! Why did he miss his cue? He couldn ’t help himself! Why did he hit on the cougar that waited at the stage door? He couldn ’t help himself!
• Nick Massi: When playing fake bass, please add some fake dynamics. Add some fake volume at the top of “Sherry, ” then a fake slide down the fake octave during the fake chord changes at the top of “Big Girls. ”
• Nick: After Tommy says the bit about cheering for a team “that ’s from New York anyway, ” please check to make sure the audience gets the joke. If they don ’t get it, please help them out by whispering, “The Mets play in Jersey. ” Then act like you are wicked smart. (Get it?)
• Gyp: When you yell your line, “School kids! ” can you please imagine The Four Seasons playing hopscotch on the playground? After you ’ve imagined it, open your eyes and see what they ’ve become. It ’ll be organic.
• All: If you do not hear enough piano in the monitor, kick the monitor.
• All: When you experience writer ’s block while creating funny Jersey Boys notes, please inform your readers so they will not judge them too harshly.
• All: When times get tough and cast sizes must be diminished, do not fear. Your costumes are expensive, so they will go on in your place.
• All: The House and Senate managed to pass a comprehensive health care bill, but it still won ’t include coverage for falling off the lip of the stage when a spotlight blinds your eyes.
• Tommy: When Norm tells you that you have to move to Vegas, please express a sigh of relief as you realize that they have The Phantom of the Opera there.