Summary
Chapter 1: I’d Rather Ignore Honesty
Self-loathing is poisonous. It encourages us to take on rejection (or perceived rejection) from others. Memories of past rejection can incite reactions that are blown out of proportion, making us fear the worst. When we internalize critical words, they soon become labels that we apply to ourselves. In the end, we wonder if we might actually deserve the feelings of inadequacy.
Being honest about who you are, however scary that sounds, is the only way to live a happy life. Facing honesty and looking deep insides ourselves can stir up traumatic memories, but cultivating honesty and thinking deeply about past rejections and pain encourages the real us, not the edited and protected versions we often choose to show the world. When we stop lying about who we are, we dare to be better people. And only from a place of honesty can we accept God’s love.
Need to Know: Avoiding honesty leads to strained relationships, missed opportunities, and feelings of inadequacy and rejection.
Chapter 2: Three Questions We Must Consider
When she was a child, Lysa was abandoned by her father, which left her feeling rejected and broken. Who was she if she was no longer a father’s daughter? And how could she love herself if her father didn’t even love her? Two very common human fears, abandonment and loss of identity, had come into Lysa’s life. To survive, she buried her feelings and did her best to be a good girl. She made friends and did well in school, yet she never felt safe and secure.
We often anchor our identities on our relationships with peers and find happiness and self-worth from “likes” and comments on social media. But this only sets us up for an emotional house of cards; we are lulled into feelings of safety supported by a flimsy foundation.
Only through becoming intimate with God can we find security in our identity. God is always stable, he is always honest, he is always good and unchanging.
The way to developing an “intimacy-based identity” begins with these three questions: “Is God good?” “Is God good to me?” “Do I trust God to be God?”
God is good. He created the world with love and goodness. The ugliness we see now—murder, disease, relationship breakdowns—was not part of his good design, but was introduced by the sin of Adam and Eve. When God returns to rid the world of sin, his goodness will set the world right again, but in the meantime, we must trust his goodness, and we must trust that he is always there for us. When the Holy Spirit is inside us, our spirit is comforted. Once we know God is good and good to us, we know that God is good at being God. If we can sit silently in the face of pain and trust that he will come through for us, we will be comforted. It’s possible to replace old thoughts and beliefs that hurt us with a new identity that helps us leave the painful past behind.
Need to Know: No matter what rejection is laid upon us, it can’t trump God’s love.
Chapter 3: There’s a Lady at the Gym Who Hates Me
Lysa decides a woman at the gym hates her based only on the face she once made. When the lady smiles at her several weeks later, she realizes the hatred was imagined. We often feel judgments that are not based on fact and accentuate our feelings of rejection. We aren’t mind readers.
The solution to this problem is to strive to “live loved.” A wonderful sentiment, but easier said than done, right? Lysa begins by making a list of things she’s grateful for, but after watching the news, the gratitude she feels is quickly replaced by guilt. Next, she plans to help others in need, hoping her love and blessings will come back to her. But that’s not living honestly; that’s manipulation. Love is not a bargaining tool. “Living loved” can’t be achieved without authenticity and must come from a place of quiet surrender to God’s love. To find his love, we must slow down, be patient, and let his love cover us like a warm towel fresh out of the dryer. Living loved means being full of his love. We feel full when we want what he wants, when we fill our heart with his heart. We feel stable when we tap into his constant power. Remember, each of us was created by God, who formed us because he loves us. God’s love isn’t based on us; it’s placed on us. And that place is where we should live, loved.
Need to Know: If you want to “live loved” you must come from an authentic, honest, and holy place.
Chapter 4: Alone in a Crowded Room
Attending a party with strangers can make us feel alone and uncomfortable. But it’s not only a crowded room of unfamiliar faces that stokes our feelings of anxiety and rejection, we can also feel unconnected and lonely among our friends, loved ones, and colleagues. Lysa reminds us that, “proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.”
When we rely on other people to invite us to “the party”—depending on others to approach us rather than reaching out ourselves—we are often left standing in the corner. The more we crave acceptance, the less likely we are to experience it. When we respect ourselves, we stop placing unrealistic expectations on others to take care of us. It’s okay to need people, but unrealistic neediness is actually greed in disguise. Instead, we should approach each situation filled with God, ready to bless others, and not expect others to bless us. In other words, if we are full of love, especially God’s love, we don’t need to go begging for it.
Need to Know: The more we invite God in, the less we’ll feel uninvited by other people.
Chapter 5: Hello, My Name Is Trust Issues
Lysa goes on a trip to the mountains with a new group of friends. The location is beautiful and the people are welcoming. At first, things go well—that is, until Lysa finds herself high up in the trees in the ropes course. To finally exit the course, all she needs to do is jump from the platform she’s standing on to a bar suspended several feet away. Jump through the air? No way! Despite the ropes and the harness keeping her safe, Lysa hesitates. Hesitation is a function of not trusting other people, relationships, yourself, or God. Her host urges her to have trust and reminds her that she is loved. Still, she hesitates.
The Bible’s David also understood this hesitation to trust, yet instead of succumbing, he always leaped bravely toward God (as seen in Psalm 23). David, like all of us who love God, understood that trusting in God completely gave him all the strength he needed.
Finally, Lysa realizes that she does have the strength, and the trust, to make that final leap. Even before her feet leave the platform, she knows God has already caught her. There is no running away from his goodness and his love. He is always with us … we just need to look inside. Lysa jumps.
Need to Know: To avoid disappointment, we often withdraw, which means we miss out on opportunities. Sometimes, life requires us to take a leap of faith and have trust.
Chapter 6: Friendship Breakups
Here, Lysa discusses what happens when we break up with friends. When friendships end, our inclination is to argue from our own point of view. We are angry, we compile proof about why we’re right and they’re wrong, we feel rejected and empty. Instead, we should fight for the friendship. We do this by remembering that neither party is the enemy. We must let go of our need to justify our actions, seek fairness, and to prove our friends wrong. Only God understands all of the details, and only God can handle the situation. So seek the companionship of God, rise above the circumstances, forget the ugly details, recall all of your friend’s positive qualities, and fight for your friendship. You may not reconcile—sometimes friendships simply end—but approaching relationships with God’s love in your heart is the only way to honor yourself and God.
Need to Know: We must fight for relationships—whether or not they work out—in order to honor God.
Chapter 7: When Our Normal Gets Snatched
When someone abandons and rejects us—whether a friend, parent, husband, or teacher—our “normal” is pulled out from underneath us on purpose. That’s a rejection that really stings, and it’s hard not to react with an equal amount of anger and spite. The need for justice can be fierce and all-consuming. Even when the wound heals, a scar remains to remind us of the pain. But reacting like this proves that we haven’t fully embraced God and his ways. God urges us to respond with grace. That means being the bigger person and forgiving those who have wronged us. It means choosing love over hate. There is nothing we can do to eliminate rejection, but every hole that rejection leaves is another opportunity to make more room for grace in our hearts. Embracing God and choosing grace requires that we give grace away, too.
The story of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 is an excellent account of a woman choosing grace over bitterness. Her husband, Nabal, is a fool and shuns David’s request for food. David, furious, promises to kill Nabal and his sons. Abigail’s long marriage to a fool has made her more compassionate, and she immediately takes the blame for all of the wrongdoing. Her humility and grace makes David respond with mercy, and her family is saved.
Need to Know: Although there’s not much we can do to eliminate rejection, making more space in our hearts for grace will allow us to heal.
Chapter 8: The Corrective Experience
Lysa receives an email from a member of a school committee that she leads. The sender is writing to resign; she felt her opinions were not heard, and it would be better for all if she was not a part of the team. Lysa feels horrible. She’s frustrated, hurt, and embarrassed. She also knows how it feels to not be valued. So how to respond? How to tell the sender that her opinions are valued while also communicating the opinions of the others on the team?
Continuing with the story of Abigail, David, and Nabal from 1 Samuel 25, Lysa shows that the best to way to communicate with people who feel rejected is through the “me too” theory:
Demonstrate acceptance and tell the other person he or she belongs. Belonging is an essential element for our well-being. Acknowledge and validate a person’s worth to stop the cycle of rejection and hurt.
Need to Know: It’s best to avoid wagging your finger and preaching; this only shuts down the conversation and inhibits solutions.
Chapter 9: Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?
When Lysa is passed over for a job, she’s crushed. The rejection makes her feel badly about herself and causes her to lash out in unconstructive ways, such as comparing herself to the woman that was given the job. In fact, studies show that rejection creates the same brain activity as physical pain, which is why being rejected feels so terrible. When that familiar feeling of “you’re not good enough” creeps in, you must change your thinking—before that lie becomes a part of your identity and you’re unable to see God at work.
At a conference, Lysa finds herself seated alone at a table, her tablemates unable to attend at the last minute. As she watches the attendees at the other tables joking and conversing, Lysa feels uninvited and left out. This time, before going down a path of “I’m not good enough,” she realizes that she is not “set aside” and but “set apart.” Experiencing humility can sometimes feel like humiliation. This is God’s way of helping us tweak ourselves with grace. On the other side of humility is wisdom.
A list of gifts to embrace:
We’re good, so why isn’t God being good to us? Why, despite our love for him, are things still hard? Why do we get passed up for jobs we wanted? Consider that God may be waiting to give us something even better and more suited to us.
Need to Know: Humility isn’t a place of weakness; it’s a position that comes from honor. Being set apart is different than being set aside.
Chapter 10: Her Success Does Not Threaten Mine
When the rejection letters pour into her mailbox, Lysa’s dream of publishing a book feels impossible. Meanwhile, her friends are receiving the opposite news. Lysa is jealous and begins to tell herself that the triumphs of others mean less opportunities for her. But in a moment of truth, Lysa realizes how wrong she is. When we envy the successes of others, we’re wallowing in defeat. As God-loving people, we must remember to maximize God, which in turn minimizes our weakness. Acknowledging God’s provision that there is plenty for everyone means we can give credit where credit is due, even in the face of failure. It’s living loved.
Scrolling through social media and looking at others’ seemingly perfect lives can make us feel left out and not good enough. When we’re thinking like that, it’s best to stop looking at social media until we can genuinely celebrate others’ successes. To do that, ask for God’s help:
Need to Know: When others do well, we all do well.
Chapter 11: Ten Things You Must Remember When Rejected
Fearing low grades, Lysa’s daughter Ashley is afraid to check her college exam grades. Our fears—of not being good enough, of rejection, of being passed over—can be twisted by the enemy and turned into raw, irrational fear that God has forgotten us. To stop rejection from controlling us, here are some ways of dealing with it and letting God in where he can heal and protect us:
Need to Know: Rejections, big and small, will always find us in life, but God will deliver us from all of them.
Chapter 12: The Enemy’s Plan Against You
After a missionary trip in Africa, Lysa finds herself on a two-day safari in the wilderness, sleeping in a tent. Already petrified of lions and their giant appetites, Lysa lies awake in her bed while a real lion stalks around her tent and roars—a foot from her head. The devil, like a lion, is vicious and doesn’t only want to hurt us; he wants to devour us. Thankfully, we have everything we need to defeat him. The devil, although powerful, is predictable, and he works by dangling the follow scenarios over us:
The devil wants us to fill our emptiness with unhealthy dependence on things and others that keep us from Jesus. Social media is one trap that’s a vehicle for feeding unhealthy comparisons with others. Studies show that women especially take cues from social media for their acceptance and emotional connections. Most report feeling even lonelier when they’re active on social media. Satan knows that when we are foolish, we make foolish decisions, and when we are full of wisdom, we make wise ones.
Satan’s schemes:
Need to Know: Satan is rendered powerless by the presence of God’s promises.
Chapter 13: Miracles in the Mess
Fighting for his people and sharing his beliefs, Jesus was laughed at, rejected, and misunderstood, so he’s the perfect person to turn to in our pain. Despite his pain and rejection, Jesus was able to perform miracles. It’s vital that, like Jesus, you don’t let rejection and hurt cloud your ability to see miracles.
If we go through the motions of prayer and don’t apply what we’ve learned, we never change. Turning away from God’s love and truth causes us to harden our hearts and fail to see the goodness in difficult situations or the redemption in rejection. In times of pain, rejection, or fear, we must stay calm and listen to God and seek him. Acting rashly and with anger only leads to chaos and misery.
When we search outside God for love and acceptance, that’s where the trouble begins. To elaborate on this, Lysa shares the very personal story an unwanted pregnancy and an abortion—the result of decisions informed by her desires, rather than God’s truth—as a young woman. “Inspiration and information without personal application will never amount to transformation.”
Need to Know: When we get ensconced in the messiness of life, we can miss miracles. We must soften our hearts to knowledge of God.
Chapter 14: Moving Through the Desperate In-Between
When we’re rejected, we can find ourselves in the desperate “in-between.” We’re no longer in that moment of rejection, but we’re not yet healed, either. This is where we must embrace the pain and invite God in. Pain is not the enemy. We must feel pain in order to heal, because if we never feel it, we can’t learn from it.
If we run away from the pain, we never get over it. Numbing the pain doesn’t work either; it only imprisons us deeper. Pain has a function. It’s a sign that transformation is needed. Believe that you’re not stuck in the pain forever, but moving through it to a better place. Pain is an invitation for God to give us his strength when ours is weakened. Through prayer, we can invite God closer. Lysa recommends Psalm 91.
Need to Know: Rejection steals the best in us and our relationships with God if we allow it to.
Chapter 15: I Want to Run Away
Back in high school, Lysa harbored romantic feelings for her best male friend. Finally, she worked up the courage to tell him—only to be rejected. We’ve all felt that crushing feeling of rejection, whether from a friend, parent, or spouse. Feeling stuck in pain is one of the worst feelings in the world. But running away won’t fix anything—and neither will pretending everything is fine. The solution is to turn to God. Jesus didn’t run, so we shouldn’t either.
Visiting the Garden of Gethsemane, Lysa finds herself with tears in her eyes. This is the place where Jesus refused to give in to fear. He was mocked, betrayed, beaten, and crucified, yet his pain became power, his crucifixion became life, and his broken body became resurrection. Jesus rose and so will we.
Need to Know: The human heart is like an olive picked from a tree: Crushing the olive doesn’t destroy it; it transforms and preserves it.
Chapter 16: What I Thought Would Fix Me Didn’t
Lysa was in the third grade when her teacher entered her into a speech contest. Young Lysa was thrilled. It was an affirmation of her skills as a writer, and she could finally prove to her peers that she was as smart and cool as the rest of them. But after winning the prize, she had to stand in front of a group and recite her speech. After giving her speech, nothing changed. She didn’t miraculously become cool. The spotlight—or a relationship, a job, or money—never fixes insecurities; it only magnifies them. There is no such thing as a quick fix for rejection. To combat rejection and be happy, we must accept ourselves for who we are and let God into our hearts.
Need to Know: Rejection never has the final say. With Jesus, we are always invited in.
The Declaration
No matter what rejection has stolen, God will relieve, restore, and redeem. Rejection is only a delay or a distraction, never your final destination. Pray that you find truth, invite God in, and drive Satan away.
Need to Know: Everyone is destined for love that can’t be tarnished or taken away.
Bonus Chapter: What’s It Like to Do Life with Me?
Lysa assures us that whatever rejection we experience, we have her understanding. She proclaims Uninvited a safe place to analyze ourselves and our rejection, suggesting we take a hard look at ourselves while reading Proverbs 4:20–27.
Some last “To Dos”:
The next step is to say a prayer and take an assessment. Be sure to talk it over with someone you love and trust. A printable version of the assessment is available on the author’s website: www.uninvitedbook.com.
A Note from Lysa
The author is not a counselor, and she knows that Uninvited doesn’t replace therapy. She suggests a Christian counselor for more help and guidance.
Need to Know: The author is praying for you and she hopes you are praying for her, too.