Dear Diary,
The good thing about Millville High is that it’s not a germ-ridden penal colony masquerading as a boarding school, à la Jane Eyre. I’m pretty sure I can cross corporal punishment and starvation rations off my list of worries, not to mention waking up next to the corpse of my only friend.
Although if Anjuli had succumbed to a picturesque nineteenth-century illness, it would explain why she’s not returning my calls. I had to find out from her mom that the only class the two of us have together is lunch, which is disappointing, but at least means I won’t have to brave the cafeteria alone.
M.P.M.
was kaleidoscopic. Fragments of color and sound swirled around me, the new faces and snatches of conversation overlaid with an aroma best described as Overcrowded Candy Store: bouquet of fruity chemicals and nervous sweat.
It may seem chaotic, I told myself as the sea of humanity swept me in the direction of my next class, but there’s bound to be an underlying logic. Perhaps it would take a few weeks to learn the steps of this new dance. All I needed was to bide my time until I figured out how to join in without tripping over my own feet.
When the bell rang for lunch I hurried to the cafeteria, eager to compare notes with Anjuli. After several fruitless surveys of the cafeteria’s outer ring, I finally spotted her, sitting at an otherwise empty table. That part didn’t surprise me. What caused my steps to falter was that she’d positioned herself at the very center of the room. I might be a babe in the woods when it came to the social politics of Millville High, but a morning had been sufficient to notice a distinct class structure. Not so much in the sense of freshman, sophomore, and so on; this was a hierarchy of position. And right now, the crème de la crème had assembled at the heart of the cafeteria.
To insert ourselves among the upper crust on our first day felt presumptuous at best. At worst it would look like we were putting on airs. Getting ideas above our station. Begging for a swift comeuppance. Against this I weighed Anjuli’s rigid posture. I imagined her arriving early to secure us a spot, followed by tense moments alone as she waited for me to appear. Her left arm was crooked protectively around the nearest chair, as though she feared it might be snatched away. Even her hair was on the defensive, the neat braid she’d worn since second grade replaced by a curtain of flowing locks that shielded her face from view.
“Oh,” she said dully when I set my backpack on the table. “Mary.” Her brow knit as she looked me up and down.
As greetings went, this one was more huh, it’s you than reunited at last! Perhaps she’d given up hope, resigning herself to a lonely vigil. Either that or it was a subtle way of letting me know I was late.
“I didn’t see you at first, in all the hullabaloo.”
Anjuli’s mouth compressed, suggesting my explanation left something to be desired. I reached for the chair she’d been guarding, but she yanked it away. “Not there.”
Personal space, I theorized, edging around her to take one of the four other vacant seats. Or maybe she was using that chair for storage. I’d briefly considered carrying all my school supplies with me in lieu of braving the dreaded locker combination.
I felt her watching as I unzipped my lunch. “It’s nothing exciting,” I warned, in case the new bag had given her false hopes. “Same old sandwich.” I didn’t mention the apple or granola bar; Anjuli knew my family’s health-conscious pantry as well as I did.
She went back to scanning the room. Which seemed odd, now that I was there, unless she was on the lookout for potential threats. A burst eardrum maybe, given the noise level.
“It’s a lot to absorb, isn’t it?” I whispered.
Her eyes flicked to me. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The size of the building, the sheer number of people, the mysterious group dynamics. This is a completely unfamiliar milieu.”
A muscle twitched in Anjuli’s jaw. “Do you have to talk like that?”
“I’m just saying, they have a cafeteria.” I tipped my head at the line of people carrying orange and yellow trays. At our old school, you could have fed the entire grade with a single pizza, provided it had a gluten-free crust and vegan “cheese.”
“Ooooh.” She fluttered her fingers. “I’m so weirded out by the vats of canned vegetables. How will I survive?”
Before I could muster a counterargument, Anjuli’s expression softened into a tentative smile. I waited for the words that must be coming: You’re right, Mary. It is intimidating. The stress is making me testy. Then I realized the warmth in her gaze wasn’t directed at me.
“Pittaya,” I exclaimed, tipping my head back to see all of him. Our erstwhile classmate had grown several inches over the summer. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
He dipped his chin, conveying hello and yes and I didn’t know you didn’t know with characteristic economy of words.
“I saved you a seat,” Anjuli informed him, pointing to the chair I’d been denied.
Objectively I could see how Pittaya would be a higher-status lunch companion, what with the unkempt black hair and brooding mien, qualities that had inspired my mother to dub him Heathcliff Junior. Yet even with the newly impressive height, Pittaya would always be Pittaya to me. The same kid who’d dealt with frequent childhood nosebleeds by dangling streamers of bloody Kleenex from his nostrils.
“How did it go this morning?” Anjuli asked. That the question was intended for Pittaya was evident in the unblinking gaze she trained on his face.
He blushed, a typical Pittaya response to being singled out. “Fine.”
“You would love my New Media class.” Her voice deepened as though trying to match his bass rumble.
“That sounds fun,” I put in, thinking to spare Pittaya the ordeal of a response.
Anjuli scowled at the interruption. “It’s not your kind of thing, Mary.”
“I know.” The word new was enough of a clue. “Still, it’s too bad we don’t have any classes together.”
For the first time since Pittaya’s arrival, she looked directly at me. “We’ve been stuck in the same room for twelve years.”
I swallowed a bite of sandwich that should have been chewed more. “True,” I choked out. “And at least we’ll see each other at lunch.”
She grunted something I chose to take as an affirmative.
“What else are you taking?” People usually perked up when given the chance to talk about themselves.
Anjuli snapped a carrot stick in half. “We’re not seriously going to sit here and talk about our classes, are we?”
“It seemed relevant.” I spoke the words mostly to my water bottle. “This is a school.”
“News flash. There’s more to life than academics. Everyone knows the overachiever lifestyle is a trap. Haven’t you been reading all the articles about how toxic stress and anxiety are for teens? The pressure to be perfect, blah blah blah?”
“I guess I missed that.”
“Yeah, well, they were written in this century, so.” A faint huff accompanied this remark, not quite a laugh but close enough to sting.
“Other centuries have a lot to offer. When you think about it.” It sounded tentative and mealy-mouthed. The temptation to kick myself was strong. Way to be scintillating, Mary!
Anjuli gave a dismissive hair toss. “I’m about the now. No doilies for me.” Pittaya glanced between us, a faint pucker to his forehead. “That’s why I’m taking Modeling and Design.”
It took me a second to place the name, given how quickly I’d breezed past it in the list of elective options. “Isn’t that the class where you build stuff?”
“Yes, Mary. I’m going to get my hands dirty and actually create things instead of living in the abstract.” Her slender (and perfectly clean) fingers brushed the back of Pittaya’s wrist. “You understand. As an artist.”
I blinked at this tableau, wondering if I’d accidentally slept through the first six months of my sophomore year and missed certain developments. Like the one where my name now doubled as an insult.
“So what kind of stuff will you make?” I asked, hoping to shift the conversation onto less contentious ground. “Is it about putting together birdhouses and whatnot?”
“I’m not in jail. This is a maker space, for skilled artisans. It’s part of how I’m redefining myself.”
“All right if I take this?” an unfamiliar voice cut in.
A boy in blue gestured at one of the unoccupied chairs. Grateful for the distraction, I started to say please do . . . only to feel the words wither on my tongue. The dark-blond curls were a little longer, the jawline a shade more defined, but the eyes remained bright as ever, a near match for the shade of his shirt. I know you, I thought, as our gazes collided.
“I told you we could share,” whined a pink-clad girl who had appeared beside him, tugging ineffectually at his elbow. I didn’t realize I was frowning until his brows drew together.
“Come on,” his companion urged.
“You only want me for my tater tots,” he teased as he dragged the chair back to their table.
Anjuli waited until the pastel pair were seated to address me. “What was that?”
“Nothing.” As in, nothing I want to discuss.
Chin in hand, she stared at the overcrowded table that had spawned our chair thief. Every last one of them sparkled with teenage joie de vivre. It was like peeking through the window of a London drawing room to watch the aristocrats strut and pose. I felt like a scullery maid by comparison, lurking in the background until someone needed their fireplace cleaned.
“Talk about a lost opportunity.” Anjuli emptied her juice pouch with an angry slurp.
“It really wasn’t.” By now he would have forgotten our existence, if he’d noticed us in the first place.
“A cute guy walks up—”
“Don’t be taken in by the pretty face. Handsome is as handsome does.”
“What does that even—you know what, never mind. The point is, we could have had a moment.”
“While he stole one of our chairs?”
“And instead of being friendly,” she continued as if I hadn’t spoken, “you looked at him like he was a bowl of dog food.”
I snuck another glance at the beautiful people, a flicker of doubt tightening my chest. Had I been rude? He was talking to a different girl now. Whatever he’d said must have been charming; the shoulders of the dark-haired girl’s companions shook in a chorus of giggles. Growing desperate, the girl in pink shoved a tater tot past his lips, forcing him to look her way or asphyxiate.
“He’s not exactly suffering.” When I turned back to Anjuli, thinking she might concede the point, her eyes were closed and her fingertips were pressed to her temples.
“I saw some girls today.” She spoke without opening her eyes. “I’m pretty sure they made their own clothes. Really long skirts. They were talking about slow cooker recipes.”
I glanced at Pittaya, but he appeared equally clueless. “Why are you telling me this?”
“They might be your kind of people.”
My pulse whooshed in my ears. “I don’t care about slow cookers. Or sewing.”
Anjuli’s eyes opened, but instead of looking at me she studied her hands, bedecked with several new rings. A daisy, a skull, some kind of animal . . . it was hard to tell what aesthetic she was going for. “They like old-fashioned stuff.”
“Thanks for the tip.” I tried to keep my voice light, but even to my ears it sounded shrill. “I’m sure there are plenty of people at this school who share my interests.”
Turning hopefully to the teeming hordes around us, I searched for a likely candidate. It was hard to tell that kind of thing from the outside, but I doubted the guy dribbling chocolate milk onto his neighbor’s hamburger was a kindred soul. Or the person gouging a tabletop with her ballpoint.
My gaze hopped sideways, inadvertently landing on the boy in blue. He must have been in a brief lull between flirtations, because he looked back at me with raised brows. I shook my head, wishing there was a telepathic way to convey that the eye contact had been accidental. He could scratch my name off his list of admirers. If he actually knew my name.
Which he did not.
“Did you talk to anyone in your classes?” Anjuli asked, not bothering to hide her skepticism.
“It’s the first day. My sisters said—”
“Your sisters had cool interests.” Anjuli speared a segment of mandarin orange from the plastic cup in front of her, pointing at me with the dripping fork. “I guarantee there’s no such thing as a Moldy Old Books group at this school. Nobody here wants to sit around drinking tea with their pinkie sticking out.”
“My pinkie just does that. It’s not an affectation. And you read, too.” On the rare occasions we’d socialized outside school, most of our time had been spent reading together—or rather, in the same room.
“Yeah, sci-fi, which is full of cutting-edge discourse.”
I thought dubiously of the covers of her paperbacks, with their skintight spacesuits and phallic ray guns. “My books have a lot of deeper meanings. Moral lessons. Et cetera.”
Sighing, she glanced at her watch.
“Is lunch almost over?” Pittaya asked hopefully.
Anjuli shook her head. “Some people from EFS said they might stop by.”
“Effs?” I echoed.
“Experimental Film Society.” From her long-suffering tone, you would have thought I’d asked how to tie my shoes. “Nonlinear, nonnarrative, avant-garde cinema. It’s very political.” She bit her lip. “They should have been here by now.”
I knew Anjuli well enough to read the anxious creasing of her brow: Maybe they weren’t coming at all. She’d been stood up. Snubbed. As a friend I should have shared her dismay, but a secret part of me was relieved.
Despite my ambivalence, I was struggling to come up with a neutral-yet-sympathetic response when a trio of strangers approached. Ordinarily my curiosity would have been piqued, but I was too startled by the change in Anjuli to pay them any mind. In an instant she’d gone from clouds to sun, her body language unfurling like a flower.
“Hey!” Where a moment ago every word had emerged weary and annoyed, her voice now crackled with energy. “This is Pittaya, the one I told you about. He’s an amazing painter.”
Greetings were mumbled. I waited for Anjuli to introduce me, but she was focused on the empty chairs. Later I would find it impossible to say how much time elapsed in tortured silence before it clicked: two chairs, three people. Anjuli barely looking at me throughout lunch. Her attempt to fob me off on random stew-making seamstresses. The simmering undercurrent of irritation.
How could I have been so foolish? She hadn’t been waiting for me to show up; she didn’t want me there at all.
I pushed my chair back. “I have a . . . prior engagement.” The words were barely audible, addressed to no one in particular.
Pittaya gave a microscopic nod. Anjuli pretended not to hear, laughing with one of her new friends at some inconsequential remark. I wouldn’t have been surprised to look down and find that I’d become ghostly and insubstantial. Invisible to the naked eye.
Gathering the scraps of my dignity, and my lunch, I fled.