The next morning Stefan Gillespie walked along Nassau Street, still aching from the attentions of Seán Óg Moran, to the telephone kiosks in Grafton Street. The city centre was quiet; it was Sunday and still early. He got through to the number in Rathgar that Hannah Rosen had given him. A man answered. It was an elderly voice, cautiously polite; it would be her father. When he gave his name as Detective Sergeant Gillespie, he could feel the coldness at the other end. It was the palpable wish that whatever was going on simply wasn’t going on. Stefan doubted that Hannah would have told her father very much of the previous day’s events; it felt like even the little she had said had been too much. When Hannah came to the phone, he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t pleased to hear her voice. There was a slight awkwardness as the conversation began. He asked her how she was. It wasn’t an unreasonable question after everything that had happened. Her answer sounded a lot more brusque than he either expected or wanted.
‘I’m fine. Have you found anything out?’
‘Not about Susan.’
‘When are you going to talk to Hugo Keller?’
‘I’m working on it.’
‘What does that mean?’ There was a hint of exasperation already. She wanted results and it felt like he was fobbing her off. He was. He didn’t have any information about her friend, and after the Shelbourne Hotel and the visit from Jimmy Lynch last night, his head was full of things he couldn’t even tell her, let alone explain. He couldn’t explain them to himself yet.
‘I wanted to see the letters, that’s all. Susan’s letters to you. I wondered if you could bring them in to me? I haven’t got that long today –’
When he had decided to phone her, he had only half worked out why. He did need to see the letters of course, and the train journey to Baltinglass, travelling home to see his son for the day, would be a quiet opportunity to read them. It wasn’t just an excuse to meet her, but it was partly that too.
‘I can come into town.’ She wanted him to have the letters; at least it meant something was actually happening. But she also wanted to see him.
‘I won’t be here this afternoon. I thought –’
‘I can come now. Are you at Pearse Street?’
‘No. Maybe I could meet you somewhere.’ He hadn’t planned on going into the station anyway. It was his day off. But after last night he felt that the less anyone, especially Inspector Donaldson, knew about what he was doing, the more likely it was that he would be allowed to do it.
He left the phone kiosk and carried on up Grafton Street. He turned into the little alleyway that led past the stone arch into St Teresa’s Church. There were a few early mass-goers heading that way. He could read their thoughts as they looked at his bruised face and blackened eyes. He would be better off going in through the arch and getting down on his knees than walking past. He was unaware that the fair-haired man who had been looking at the Christmas display in Switzer’s turned into the alley after him, following him as he walked on to Clarendon Street and Golden Lane, then along Bull Alley, past St Patrick’s Cathedral and into Clanbrassil Street.
The ancient cathedral was very still. It would be another hour before the great bells started to ring for the Eucharist, calling the scattered remnants of Anglican Dublin to worship in what had once been the public heart of the city. In the new Ireland it was already a forgotten backwater; the power was somewhere else now. It brooded over Dublin like a befuddled, senile uncle whose past life it wasn’t quite decent to talk about. As a child Stefan had lived on the other side of Clanbrassil Street, in the Coombe, before his father’s promotion to inspector brought a move out of the cramped flat to a suburban terrace in Terenure. For four of those years he had gone to the cathedral’s choir school. He had sung in the choir stalls at matins and evensong and the Sunday Eucharist. Matins would be over now. As he glanced across at the great stone tower, he could see the light of the stained-glass windows he had once looked up at, day after day. He heard a snatch of half-remembered music in his head; Stanford’s maybe. ‘To thee all angels cry aloud.’ He walked on towards the noise and bustle of Lower Clanbrassil Street, a narrow, crowded corridor into the city from the suburbs to the south that was always busier on a Sunday than anywhere else in Dublin.
It was the smell of bread that reminded him how he had walked home each Sunday after the Eucharist with Sam Mortimer, each of them eating a warm bagel from Weinrouk’s bakery. Mr Moiselle had always baked the bread there, but the smell of yeast and baking bread was only the first of the smells in Clanbrassil Street on a Sunday morning. He breathed it in now and other smells followed almost immediately. There was blood from the meat and poultry, slaughtered before dawn, hanging outside Myer Rubinstein’s butcher’s shop; the smell of new milk and sour cream from Jacob Fine’s dairy; through the open door of Doris Waterman’s grocer’s a pungent mix of salami and garlic sausage, salted fish and herrings, spices and pickled cucumbers. He had walked along Clanbrassil Street from time to time since he knew it as a child; as a student at Trinity in the brief, unhappy year he spent there; and as a recruit to the newly formed Garda Síochána soon afterwards, in an unforgiving uniform, to the sound of whistles and laughter from shopkeepers and their customers amused by his youth. But he had always been on the way somewhere else. He had never stopped. Today he did. He stepped into Weinrouk’s bakery, catching the sharp mix of words that was as pungent as Clanbrassil Street’s smells; the familiar voices of Dublin, the thick accents of Poland and Lithuania, and all the overlapping voices in between, loud and laughing and argumentative, peppering the English Dublin had made so distinctively its own with Yiddish.
The voices felt stranger today than they had when he was a child; then they had been too commonplace to be remarkable. Then the Yiddish simply sounded like another kind of German. His own home was a place where English and German were spoken. His mother had been determined that he should have her language too; she called it hers, even though she had been born in Dublin like him, because words were something precious to her.
In the crowded bakery he bought a bagel and the loaf of bread that he had often brought home for his German grandmother on those Sunday mornings. He would bring one back to Baltinglass for his mother today. The bagel was warm, as it always had been; he remembered that. At the counter, beside him, were two girls, aged around eight and ten, very neatly dressed, their hair in pigtails. He was surprised that Mr Moiselle spoke to them in German, not very good German it had to be said, though it may have been better Yiddish. As he handed a bag of golden, plaited loaves across the counter, he gave them a small, miniature version of the loaf. He had baked some for his grandchildren and there were two left. ‘Plaited like your hair!’
Stefan walked out behind the two girls. At the kerb was a black car he hadn’t noticed before. A man and a woman sat in the front. The man got out and opened the back door. One of the girls held up the miniature loaf. ‘It’s a present from Mr Moiselle.’ She spoke in German. The girls clambered on to the back seat. As the man shut the rear door and turned to get back into the car he suddenly looked up at Stefan. And Stefan recognised him now, from the Shelbourne the previous night; it was Adolf Mahr. The director of the National Museum wasn’t sure, but he knew he recognised this man from somewhere. He nodded politely, clearly registering the bruises on Stefan’s face but too well-mannered to show it. ‘A beautiful morning,’ he said.
‘It’s not so bad,’ replied Stefan. Mahr smiled, amused by the Irish understatement that meant, yes, it really was a beautiful morning. As the car drove away, Stefan saw there were several other people watching it head up past St Patrick’s, apparently glad to see it go. He wasn’t the only one who thought a Jewish baker’s an odd place for the leader of the Nazi Party in Ireland to shop.
He walked on, taking the hot bagel from its bag and eating it as he had eaten as a child. Crossing the street he looked back, waiting for a horse and cart to pass. A fair-haired man stopped quite abruptly to take out a packet of Senior Service. He hunched over his hands, lighting the cigarette. There was something strange. Maybe it was the abruptness; there couldn’t be that much urgency about a cigarette, even if you were gasping for one. And the man stood out somehow. Hanging about in Clanbrassil Street, among people whose most natural activity was hanging about in Clanbrassil Street, he looked like he should have been sitting in a pew in St Patrick’s Cathedral. And Stefan knew he had seen him before. The man drew on his cigarette and crossed the road, with a studied casualness that was in peculiar contrast to the abruptness of only seconds earlier. Stefan smiled. They were the actions of a man who was following someone, and wasn’t very good at it.
‘How’s the bagel?’
He turned round. ‘Good.’ He hadn’t seen Hannah approaching.
‘So much better when I was a girl. Mr Moiselle was a baker, not a businessman then.’ She stopped, staring at his face. ‘What happened?’
‘I accidentally trod on someone’s toes.’
‘Does that mean you’re not going to tell me?’
‘Taking one consideration with another –’
‘I see, a policeman’s lot –’ She was still puzzled. ‘Has it got something to do with Susan’s disappearance? Is that why you won’t –’
‘Yesterday was a strange day. Someone needed to mark his territory.’
She shrugged off the lack of communication with a smile. If he wasn’t going to tell her any more, she wouldn’t ask. But he saw it had been registered. It wouldn’t be forgotten. For now there were other things to do.
‘Shall we have a cup of tea?’
‘I can’t. I’ve got to catch the train. I’m going down to Baltinglass.’
‘Oh yes, of course, your son.’
He nodded. He didn’t say any more, but he was glad she remembered.
‘I’ve got them here,’ she said, taking a small bundle of letters from her bag. She handed them to him and he put them in his pocket. She watched as if she didn’t want to let them go. He saw how precious they were to her.
‘I’ll let you have them straight back. I’m sorry, I do have to go.’
‘Are you going to Kingsbridge?’
‘Yes.’ He glanced at his watch.
‘I’ll walk a little way with you.’
She was the first to move, touching his arm tentatively as they walked on. It was barely for a second, but it was a gesture of intimacy nonetheless. She was brighter again now, chatting quietly about nothing in particular.
‘I’m going to see my aunt. She’s always complaining Ma and Pa never call in. They do, all the time, and she always comes home with them after shul, but she likes to tell us about our airs and graces now that we live across the canal. We moved from Lennox Street when I was sixteen, but she’s not a great one for new topics of conversation. When I get there she’ll complain about me coming too, because I didn’t tell her I was!’
He smiled, enjoying her voice. They walked on in silence.
‘Do you know who Adolf Mahr is?’
She looked surprised. It was a strange question. ‘Yes.’
‘As director of the National Museum or as Nazi Party leader?’
‘I don’t suppose the Nazi role’s common knowledge everywhere, but some of us have better reasons to know about these things than others. Irish Jews don’t find it reassuring that all the Germans the government employs have got their own little Nazi Party here. I don’t remember seeing a swastika in Dublin before I left. Yesterday there was one outside the Shelbourne.’
‘He was here just now. His car was outside the bakery. There were two girls buying bread. His daughters, presumably. It seemed a bit odd –’
Hannah laughed.
‘Some things are so awful even the most devoted Nazi has to put aside his deepest prejudices. Irish bread. Even the master race can’t stomach it.’
‘Bread?’
‘He comes every Sunday. It’s the nearest he can find to a Vienna loaf in Dublin. But he can’t go inside the shop because it’s Jewish. So he sends his daughters. Everyone knows. Susan told me in one of her letters. It’s a standing joke. Mostly people laugh about it. I don’t know how funny it is –’
He felt an uncomfortable sense of connection, not with Hannah, but with Adolf Mahr. It was what his grandmother used to say. ‘They can’t make bread. They don’t know how. For God’s sake, once a week let’s have good bread!’ They walked on without speaking. Her mood had changed.
‘Was that just an idle question?’
‘What?’
‘About Adolf Mahr.’
He was right; she didn’t miss much.
‘The German community had a Christmas party last night, at the Shelbourne. It’s why the Nazi flag was flying. He was there with Keller.’
‘That’s nice for Doctor Keller. He’s got a lot of friends.’
‘It does seem like it.’
‘Is that why you were beaten up?’
He shrugged. It wasn’t exactly the truth, but he couldn’t deny it.
‘I suppose it proves you’re not one of his friends too.’ She stopped. ‘I’m going this way. Have a good day with your son. It’s going to rain though!’ As she turned, smiling, she touched his arm again. He watched her walk away, sensing that she hadn’t wanted to go. Or maybe that was what he wanted to believe, because he didn’t want her to go. It was a long time since he had felt like this, and he wasn’t at all sure how good his judgement was.
When Stefan Gillespie turned away from the ticket window at Kingsbridge Station, he saw the tall, fair-haired man again, sitting on a bench, reading the Irish Independent; the man who had stopped so abruptly for a cigarette in Clanbrassil Street; the man he was now convinced was following him. And as the man turned a page and leant back – just as he had turned a page and leant back into a leather armchair, in the entrance to the Shelbourne Hotel the night before, Stefan remembered that was where he had first seen him. There were still fifteen minutes to go before the train left for Baltinglass. He walked across the station concourse, back towards the street. He stood close to the entrance, looking at a rack of newspapers and magazines. Outside, a taxi drew up. A man and a woman got out. As the man paid the driver, Stefan walked briskly out of the station. He opened the taxi door and got in.
‘Straight across the river, over the bridge. As quick as you can.’
The driver pulled away with a sour glance in the mirror.
‘And where am I going then?’
Stefan looked through the back window. The fair-haired man had just emerged from the station, looking up and down, his eyes fixed on the departing taxi. There could be no doubt at all; the man was following him.
‘If you’re in a hurry, you’ll want to tell me where you’re going, sir.’
‘Just turn round at the other end and drop me back at the station.’
‘What the fuck is this? There’s a bloody minimum fare –’
Inside Kingsbridge, the fair-haired man was at the ticket office window, talking to the clerk who had sold Stefan his ticket. He was unaware that the man he had been watching was now watching him. He walked to a platform where a train was disgorging passengers. He looked for a moment, then moved to a hoarding and ran his finger down the printed timetable. Stefan was right behind him now. The man turned. As he did, Stefan grabbed his shoulders and slammed him up against the hoarding, very hard.
‘Baltinglass, that’s where I’m going. Why do you want to know?’
The response wasn’t what he expected. The fair-haired man grinned.
‘You’re back.’
‘And you’re not very good at this.’
‘I didn’t think I was doing badly. It’s a shame about your nose.’
‘It’s Jimmy and Seán I owe that to, but any friend of theirs –’
‘Friend would be overstating it. You’re going to miss your train.’
Stefan took his hands from the man’s shoulders. He looked over to the platform, where a few passengers were now boarding. Smiling amiably, the man brushed the shoulders and lapels of his coat. He held out his hand.
‘John Cavendish.’
‘You’re not Special Branch.’ Stefan ignored the proffered hand.
‘Oh, I’d say you’re a better detective than that, Sergeant.’
The Tullow train pulled out of Kingsbridge. It wasn’t a corridor carriage and they had the compartment to themselves. No one would hear; that mattered to Cavendish. He had made Stefan wait on the platform till the last minute.
‘I’m a bit like you, Sergeant.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘I’m not supposed to be doing this.’
‘What is it I’m not supposed to be doing?’
‘I don’t know what Sergeant Lynch would make of you meeting Miss Rosen today. I assume you’ve been warned off Keller.’ He tapped his nose. ‘Well, you didn’t have that when you left the Shelbourne last night.’
‘Are you going to tell me who you are?’
‘I’m actually Lieutenant John Cavendish.’ He reached into his pocket and took out a leather card case. He pulled out a neatly printed card.
Stefan looked down at it. He shook his head, stifling his laughter.
‘I’m sorry, am I missing a joke?’ frowned the lieutenant.
‘You’re with G2?’
‘More or less.’
‘And you give out cards saying Military Intelligence?’
‘Well, someone had them printed up,’ he grinned amiably.
‘And more or less means –’
‘Not leaving undone those things that ought to be done simply because our political masters have instructed us to leave them undone.’
‘This could go on for some time, couldn’t it? And I’d say I’ll still have no idea what you’re talking about. So why are you following me?’
‘I did think you were working with Lynch.’
‘Does it look like I am?’
‘No. I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t know why you arrested Hugo Keller, only to have Special Branch pull him out of a cell in Pearse Street and take him home. I don’t know who Hannah Rosen is or what she’s got to do with Keller. I don’t know why you met her today when you’ve been told, in a variety of ways I imagine, to lay off Herr Keller now. But I’d hazard a guess that Lynch is looking for something he thought you had.’
‘And is that what you’re after too, Lieutenant?’
Cavendish looked at him, saying nothing. He had been thrown into this conversation abruptly and unexpectedly. Whatever about the nonchalant smiles, he had blown what was meant to be a simple surveillance.
‘It’s not my business, Lieutenant. I don’t want to get between you and Special Branch. You’ll have important work to do, following one another round Dublin. I just arrested an abortionist when nobody wanted me to.’
‘What happened to the evidence you took out of Merrion Square?’
‘Lynch has got it.’ Stefan smiled. ‘Except for what’s missing.’
‘And what is missing?’
‘Give me a clue. I might have seen it, who knows?’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘It means it would take a lot more than a punch in the face from Jimmy Lynch’s bulldog to make me give up something worth having. So what’s your offer? You don’t look like the shite-kicking sort, Cavendish.’
The soldier didn’t reply. He was trying to get the measure of Stefan. He wasn’t sure about him. Was he joking? Was he really hiding something?
‘Look, I haven’t got it, Lieutenant. I don’t even know what it is.’
‘So what are you doing then?’ persisted Cavendish.
‘My job.’
‘And where does Keller come into your job now?’
There seemed no reason not to tell the truth. It wasn’t a secret.
‘I’m looking for a woman who disappeared earlier this year. The last thing she did was go to Merrion Square for an abortion. That makes Hugo Keller the last person who saw her, the last I know about anyway. That’s what I’m doing. So what about you? Why don’t you tell me what you and Special Branch are looking for? Did Keller keep a list of his customers?’
‘That would be some of it,’ replied the lieutenant.
‘I guess there’d have to be more to interest Special Branch?’
Cavendish’s silence gave him his answer. Then the officer smiled.
‘So what do you know about Hugo Keller, Sergeant?’
‘As a posh backstreet abortionist, he’s got some unusual friends. And he seems to generate a surprising amount of activity in unexpected places. What with Special Branch dancing round him, not to mention the director of the National Museum, who happens to be the leader of the Nazi party the Germans have set up here, and now Military Intelligence, I can’t decide whether he’s a national treasure or a threat to national security. Which is it?’
The lieutenant didn’t answer. ‘So, who is this missing woman?’
‘I doubt she’s going to be of any interest to G2 or to Special Branch. She’s just a woman no one’s seen for a long time. I’d be surprised if she’s alive. I don’t know how, or why, but that’s what I think. That’s what I was talking to Hannah Rosen about. It’s what I intend to talk to Herr Doktor Keller about, whether it goes down well with Military Intelligence, or Special Branch, or the German embassy, or my inspector or anybody else.’
‘Well, if determination was all there was to it, Sergeant –’
‘Meaning what?’
‘Adolf Mahr drove Keller to Dún Laoghaire last night and put him on the mail boat. He’ll be in London by now, I’d say on his way to Germany.’
Lieutenant Cavendish got out at Naas, where the train took the branch line that led along the River Slaney and the western edge of the Wicklow Mountains to Baltinglass. And as the train set off again Stefan Gillespie took out the letters Hannah Rosen had given him. Immediately he found himself in a world that was complex, intense and unfamiliar. Naturally enough, the letters between two old and close friends were full of epigrammatic references to people and events he could know nothing about, both in the lives they had shared in Dublin and in the lives they now led in Ireland and Palestine. As a detective he had tried to piece together the jigsaw of a stranger’s life before, but this had an intimacy that at once absorbed him and made him uncomfortable. Susan Field almost certainly wrote as she spoke. Her words tumbled over each other and took tangential, unlooked for directions, sometimes finding their way back, circuitously, to what she had started speaking about, sometimes leaving the original thought behind, never to return. Several times she made him laugh out loud – once when she described sitting in the gallery of the Adelaide Road synagogue on a Saturday morning, mesmerised by a man who had fallen asleep below, wondering how long it would be before the growing intensity of his snores would be loud enough to compete with the cantor’s recitation of a psalm; another time, when she kept patting the packet of cigarettes in her coat pocket to reassure herself that soon, very soon, she would be outside the synagogue drawing in the invigorating smoke that was all the more desirable because it was forbidden on the Sabbath. It reminded her, she wrote, of the time she and Hannah, just seventeen, tore along the South Circular Road after shul to light a cigarette in a doorway, only to meet the pious and disapproving faces of Mrs Wigoder and Mrs Noyk. He could feel the vitality of Susan Field in her breathless words; it brought him closer to the loss that consumed Hannah. It wasn’t hard. His own loss wasn’t buried very deep.
The letters were punctuated by words Stefan didn’t quite understand, but every so often there was something familiar about the closeness of a community that was both a part of the world around it and at the same time engaged in its own private rituals and habits. Catholic Ireland was a public event, but his own childhood, especially the teenage years, when his Sunday mornings still belonged to the Church of Ireland, didn’t feel very different to some of Susan Field’s memories. There was the same mix of boredom, irritation and impatience; there was the same sense of something apart. He looked out of the window, seeing the water of the Slaney for the first time, and to the east the round-topped Wicklow Mountains. He played no part in all that now. He couldn’t remember when he last sat in the church by the river in Baltinglass. Yet he still knew that what his father always said was true; it wasn’t just a more private way of looking at the world; it was about keeping your head down. His parents still did keep their heads down.
By the end of the first few letters Susan Field’s swirling narrative had moved from the past to new excitement about being at University College Dublin. He knew her better here. And he still felt the closeness between her and Hannah. There was a letter that ended with a paragraph of invective about a priest who was lecturing on medieval philosophy. He was arrogant, supercilious and never listened to what anybody else said. Fierce intelligence and blind faith. Didn’t the first mean you shouldn’t be a prisoner of the second? How could you argue with someone whose ideas admitted no doubt? In the letters that followed, her irritation with the man she started to refer to jokingly as ‘John’ was replaced by an admiration that was already about something else altogether. She had done more than find his doubts.
He came to the pub with us. I don’t know why. He never did before. I started arguing with him, mostly about how his lectures infuriated me. But he wasn’t as stuffy as the stuff he spouts. I don’t mean he doesn’t believe things I could never believe, but he was so much sharper and funnier than in college. He’s full of questions about what he believes after all. He’s obviously committed to being a priest, but he said he wasn’t sure he would have become one, if he’d thought the way he thinks now. Anyway, we ended up talking on our own, after the others all went. And when the pub closed we walked round Dublin for hours and hours, just talking and talking. I think he’s probably a bit of a mess underneath. I quite like that really!
Soon the world of the family and friends Hannah and Susan shared had almost disappeared from the letters; so too had the references to what Hannah’s letters must have contained about her life in Palestine. Stefan was very aware of that. He found himself scanning the later letters, not for the pieces of the jigsaw he was actually meant to be putting together, but for the pieces of the other one, the one that was about Hannah Rosen. Sometimes there was still a glimpse of that, buried among her friend’s preoccupations.
When I met John tonight we didn’t talk very much. We finally did what we’d both wanted to do at the end of that first night, when we walked through Dublin. You always tell me I use the word love too easily. You don’t even like using it when you’re talking about Benny, and you’re marrying him! Tell me which of us is the more confused? Anyway, I’ll pretend I’m not talking about love even if I am. You’re the only person I can say all this to. I quite like how secretive and exciting it all is. Sounds a bit daft of course. I know you’ll think so! But then you’ve got a nation to build. You’ve got to be serious. I don’t suppose it’ll last long – after all he is a priest! It’ll get a lot less exciting once guilt catches up with him. But just now he hasn’t got time!
As the letters went on they were less and less about excitement and more about unhappiness and isolation – from her family and her community, even from the friends she had at UCD. It seemed to Stefan as if some of the things Susan said suggested that Hannah reciprocated those feelings at times – not of unhappiness perhaps, but at least of uncertainty. Soon, however, there was scarcely any room in Susan Field’s letters for anybody else, even her best friend. And then, in middle of it all, she found out she was pregnant.
Well, I told him. He started on about leaving the priesthood and meeting his obligations. God, the only thing worse than the mess I’m in is the thought of a lifetime with a man who’s ‘meeting his obligations’. I just shut him up, but then he surprised me. He asked me if I wanted to keep the baby, and when I told him I didn’t, he said he’d help. There’s a man in Merrion Square, a proper doctor I think, German, all very private and swanky. He knows somebody John knows. I don’t know how. I can’t say I care. I’ve seen him and it’s all very easy. It’ll be sorted out next week. John and I won’t see each other again. He’s leaving UCD. It seems a long time since we felt happy with each other. I’m not sure we ever did, whatever we told ourselves.
The last two letters were much shorter. The animation that had filled the others, even when she was writing about unhappiness, had been drained out of her. There was only emptiness. Now she just wanted it over with.
Merrion Square tomorrow. I don’t know what then. It was all about nothing in the end. In between I seem to have lost touch with all the things I cared about. I can’t even remember what they were. I’m a long way from everyone. I wish you were closer, Hannah. I suppose the blues are inevitable. But they’ll go, I guess. By the way, if I use the word love too much, you don’t use it enough. If you don’t love Benny, then making the desert bloom and filling it with babies won’t be enough. I don’t know so much about myself any more, but I know that about you. Anyway, here I go!
That was the final letter. It was dated the twenty-fifth of July. The end was bleaker than Hannah had made it sound. He knew what darkness was, and he could feel it in Susan Field’s final letter. There was a time when he had thought about walking away from it all. In Ireland the boat to somewhere was always an option; for some it offered new hope, for others it was the final expression of despair. He had even thought about another journey once, the darkest journey. For the Greeks you took a boat for that one too. It had been no more than a thought that he left behind. He had his son Tom to pull him out. What did Susan Field have? In that last letter it didn’t feel like very much.