The sun felt good on my skin as I walked to the beach. Walking was so underrated. Kristen didn’t realize that a long walk on the beach was better in every way than a run. But despite the fact that I just agreed to be tortured tomorrow, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was over Aiden. So over Aiden that even thinking about his name didn’t make me feel sick to my stomach anymore. I smiled to myself. I was free from that feeling that I’d failed and had no idea how I’d failed. Aiden was basic AF and it only took me one awesome date with someone else to realize it.
Now I just needed to let my lifeguard know that I wanted to be more than his friend. A lot more. It seemed like he felt the same way. We never acted like friends. I had the biggest crush on him. He definitely knew it. And he seemed to like me back. I thought about his fingers running through my hair this morning and my smile grew even bigger. He was probably crushing as hard as I was.
I looked up at him as I made my way to my usual spot in the sand. When I reached it, I stood there for a second. There was room for my towel right next to his lifeguard stand. I didn't want to keep my distance anymore. Be bold, Mila. I walked over to the empty spot.
"Hey!" I said and tapped the side of the lifeguard stand. I immediately pulled my hand back to my side. There was no need to knock on wood.
He looked down at me. "You're late," he said.
I was pretty sure my smile couldn’t get any bigger. "Yeah, well, I slept over at some random guy’s apartment last night and it threw my whole schedule off."
"Some random guy, huh? Sounds like a sexy evening."
"It was almost really sexy. But his roommate walked in on us." I couldn’t believe that actually came out of my mouth. One pep-talk on being bold and I’d jumped right into the deep end. I mentally high-fived myself.
My lifeguard laughed. "Almost really sexy? I'm not sure I even know what you mean by that." He glanced at the ocean and then back at me. "You'll have to show me what really sexy is sometime, because now I'm just curious."
He wants to have sex with me. I gulped. That wasn’t exactly what he said. Really sexy could mean anything. To me it meant all the sex. In every position. Including the gross Thanksgiving turkey one. "I think I'd like that." I wished he wasn't wearing his sunglasses. I wanted to see his reaction to what I said, but it was impossible to tell. Stupid sunglasses. His silence was unnerving. It felt like a few minutes ticked by with me just awkwardly standing there. He was staring out at the ocean again. But I wanted his attention, even if it was for just another second. I craved him more than Pink Dream ice cream. So I was basically addicted. "One," I almost shouted.
"One?" He smiled at me. "One what?"
God, why was that the thing I said into the awkward silence? I leaned in closer to him so that the people around us couldn't hear me. Why I chose a super public place to answer his question from last night at the top of my lungs, I had no idea. "Only one guy has seen me naked."
"The asshole?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I hate to break it to you, but I've kind of seen you naked too. So have Clint and Elle. You’re racking up the points here."
"Not naked, naked. I was wearing underwear.
"Which revealed a whole lot of your ass."
I could feel my face turning red. He was right. My ass had been on full display. I swallowed hard when he didn’t look away. It was like he was picturing me in nothing but my thong again. "How many girls have seen you naked?"
"Ummm." He looked back out at the water. "Hmmm.” He didn’t answer for an agonizing minute. “More than one."
"What does that even mean? You can't remember? Or it's like…a lot more than one?" Please don’t be a lot more than a few. I didn’t know where we were going, but I hoped I’d be going wherever it was with him. And the thought of him ogling tons of naked women really bothered me. Even if it was in his past.
"It means I've gone streaking and I have no idea how many girls saw me."
I laughed. That was not a serious answer. Besides, I’d asked the wrong question in the first place. All I really wanted to know was how many girls he had slept with. That was something someone who was more than a friend would want to know. But he wasn't giving up the information easily. "What if you don't count the streaking incident?"
"Completely naked? Or like, wearing boxers?"
I smiled. I’d seen him in his boxers twice and I wouldn’t be forgetting either occasion anytime soon. "Completely naked."
"Probably four."
"Probably?"
"Yep, probably."
"Your answers are extremely vague."
"I'm trying to work, Jellyfish Girl. It's hard to focus on more than one thing at a time." He smiled at me.
Fair point. Hopefully there weren’t a bunch of children drowning because of me. "I'll leave you alone then." I laid my towel on top of the sand and sat down on it. I had decided to finish Twisted Love after all, so I pulled it out of my bag. A steamy hot summer beach read fit my mood perfectly. And it was easy to imagine that it was about J.J. and me.
I lay down and hoped that he really did like my ass. Because even though I was wearing a bikini bottom, it was basically on full display. Every now and then as I read, I'd glance up at my lifeguard. I caught him staring at me once. For some reason my response had been to wink. I wasn't used to being so bold, but I was finding it fun. The wink had gotten me a smile and a wave of confidence.
After a few hours of reading, my lifeguard cleared his throat. I looked up at him.
"I think some of the lifeguards are playing touch football after our shifts are over. Do you want to play?"
Anything that involved touching him was a go for me. "Yeah, that sounds fun."
"Do you know how to play?"
Well, now he was just being insulting. "Of course I know how to play. I love football. I used to throw the ball around with my dad on Sundays before Eagles games." Before he left. I tried to squash that annoying voice in the back of my head. But I was already picturing him teaching my half-sisters. All three of them laughing together. The perfect family. Why did this still hurt so much? I was fine without him. I had been for years. If he didn’t need me or my mom, I didn’t need him either. That was what I always told my heart, but sometimes it was too stupid to listen. Or too naïve to care. Or too hopeful that things could one day change.
"Really?"
I looked back up at him. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I’d gotten lost in my annoying daydream of what would never be me and my dad.
“You really know how to play?”
"Why are you so surprised? Does it not seem like I'd be good at it? My dad didn't have a son so he taught me everything instead." Before he realized I’d never be good enough. Before he realized he could start over with a new, younger family. These thoughts were coming out of left field. I was finally in a good place after the Aiden fiasco. The last thing I needed was to revert back to my broken-hearted tween years when my dad walked out. I shook my head, hoping the annoying thoughts and butterflies would fly away. “I’m a freaking beast.”
My lifeguard laughed. "So you’re super cocky about your football skills too?"
"No, not as cocky. I'm just super competitive."
"I've noticed."
I got up and put my book in my bag. I wanted him to keep noticing me. And I wanted it to be unrelated to my football skills…which really were pretty amazing. "I'm going to go cool off. Blow the whistle if a shark comes. Since we both know you won’t come in and save me.”
“Of course I’d come in.”
“I thought you were scared of sharks?”
He shrugged. He didn’t say it, but I’m pretty sure that shrug meant he’d fight a shark for me. Which was probably the nicest thing a guy ever didn’t say to me. I pulled my hair out of my elastic band and walked down to the water. When I looked over my shoulder I could tell he was watching me. Sunglasses be damned, he had eyes only for me.
I dove under the water before a wave caught me. And again I was reminded of my dad. All the vacations with him I’d taken for granted. Now I just saw images flash through my head of him with his new family on their summer trips. He’d never once invited me.
I broke the surface of the water and took a deep breath. I was worried I was thinking about all the times my dad hurt me for a reason. Aiden wasn’t the only dick out there. There were a bunch of them. I looked back at my lifeguard.
He waved and broke down my walls a little. J.J. wasn’t like Aiden. And he certainly wasn’t like my dad. I just had this gut feeling that he’d never hurt me. I hoped I was right. Because I was really tired of temporary.
Then I realized why I was really thinking about my dad. I needed to call him. I needed to tell him to hold off sending tuition to SMU. I was coming back home.