I was supposed to leave next week for the University of New Castle. But I didn’t have the luxury of waiting until the last minute to move now. I needed to find an apartment in Cali. Sign up for new classes. Start over. Again. I’d wanted to prolong summer until the last minute, but what was the point now? It was about to end anyway. Sticking around for an extra week would just make it that much harder to say goodbye. Ever since I had found out about the tuition mix-up, I had heard the clock ticking down in my head. The last week had felt like torture anyway, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I can’t believe you’re not coming back to Newark with me.” Kristen stuck her bottom lip out. “I was so excited. We would have had so much fun.”
It still hurt to talk about. Everything had been right there for me. Everything I’d ever wanted. I felt gutted. And I didn’t have anything left to say, so I continued packing.
“Have you said goodbye to J.J. yet?” she asked.
But she knew I hadn’t. I’d spent all night with her last night, reminiscing over our summer and of course drinking margaritas. At least I’d finally learned how to hold my tequila. And I’d spent all day at my last shift at Sweet Cravings. I bowed out a little early with the excuse of needing to pack. J.J. would be stopping by here right after work.
I shook my head. “My Uber comes in thirty minutes. I told J.J. to come over…” I glanced at my phone. “Well, he should be here any minute now.”
She sat down on the edge of my bed. “Does he know you’re leaving early?”
“He’s about to.” I closed my suitcase and zipped it shut.
“Mila.”
I didn’t look up at her as I rummaged around in my purse to make sure I had everything I’d need to board my flight.
“Mila.” She grabbed my hand. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? You can try to take out a loan. You could postpone the University of New Castle a semester while you sort things out. There has to be a way.”
Maybe. But what was the point? I had an opportunity to not start my career in debt. How would I ever get a loan for a restaurant space if I already had a pile of student loans I couldn’t afford to pay back? I’d spent my whole life trying to figure out what I wanted to do. Now that I found it, I wasn’t going to let it slip through my fingers because of summer like. Yes, like, not love. Because J.J. had made it clear he didn’t love me. “I’m trying to think about my future.”
“And J.J. fits into that how?”
I sighed because it hurt so fucking much to actually say the words out loud. “He doesn’t.”
“Mila.”
“Are you going to sit there and tell me that Reggie is the love of your life? That you’re going to get married and have babies and the whole shebang? And live happily ever after?”
“No. But that’s different and you know it. Reggie and I were always going to be and were always meant to be a summer fling.”
“Well, so were J.J. and I.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“He doesn’t love me back, Kristen!” I could feel my tears threatening to spill again. “His solution to my problems was that I should drop everything and just move to New York. I don’t even like the city.”
“Guys are dumb, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Just because he hasn’t said it…who cares. It’s about the way he makes you feel. And the way he looks at you. I can tell he loves you even if you can’t. You spent all summer trying to get the things you deserve out of life. And now you’re just going to throw it all away?” It looked like she was going to start crying now. “Please don’t leave.”
I knew she had the best intentions. But what she was really upset about was that this was our goodbye too. “I’m sorry.” I leaned down and hugged her. “But I have to.”
She sniffled. “God, your dad is such a dick.”
I laughed. “That he is.” I leaned back. “But this isn’t really goodbye. We can call each other all the time. And once I’m done with school, there’s no way I’m staying in Cali.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
She took a deep breath. “I should probably give you some privacy so you can talk to J.J.”
Right when she said it, there was a knock on the door. I swallowed hard. You can do this. Be strong.
Before I could go answer it, Kristen launched herself at me in a bear hug that was so tight I could barely breathe. “I’m going to miss you,” she said.
“I’m going to miss you too.”
She sniffled again as she pulled back. And without another glance she ran over to the door and opened it. “Hey,” she said to J.J. She squeezed his arm and then disappeared down the steps.
It looked like he was about to ask if she was okay, but then he spotted my suitcase. And probably my face. He closed the door and walked over to me. For a second I just let myself stare at him. He’d come straight from the beach. He hadn’t even bothered to put a shirt on. Tan skin, perfect six pack, and muscular shoulders. The smell of summer was all around him, drifting over to me. He pushed his sunglasses up when he reached me, showing off those perfect ocean blue eyes.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“I have to leave early. I have a lot to do before classes start.”
He looked back at my suitcase like he didn’t understand. “How early?”
I looked at my phone. “Fifteen minutes.”
He laughed, but not his usual one that made me smile so hard it hurt. “Wait, what?”
“My flight’s in a few hours and I have to get to the airport.”
“You’re leaving today? And you’re only just telling me now? What the hell?”
I shrugged. “I thought it would be easier this way.”
“Easier for who? You? It’s certainly not easier for me to be blindsided. I had all these plans for our last week together. You can’t leave now.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “It’s going to be months before I can possibly see you again.”
Months? I couldn’t afford to come visit him. And I knew he didn’t want to come visit me. He had told me he was willing to try long distance. From Newark to NYC. But not this. We’d never talked about it at all. I knew how he felt about it though, I’d known it from the very beginning, and I gave him my heart anyway.
Someone that loved me might be up to such a long distance and long time apart. That wasn’t J.J. He was scared of long distance relationships and…did not love me. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “J.J…” I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t do it.
“Stay,” he said. But it sounded more like a plea.
I shook my head. “You don’t do long distance relationships.”
“I said I would for you.”
“I don’t want to make you do that. You’re starting a new job in a new city. I’d just be holding you back.”
“You’re not making me do anything. Just because summer’s ending doesn’t mean we are. And you could never in a million years hold me back. I…”
What? You what? Say it! You have to say it!
He cleared his throat. “I don’t want you to go. Please don’t leave.” He looked as deflated as I felt.
I stepped forward and hugged him, pressing the side of my face against his chest. His words weren’t enough. His actions weren’t enough. What we had wasn’t enough. I breathed in his perfect summery scent. The salt air and sunscreen on his skin. And tried my best not to cry. “I have to go. I have to.”
He held me a little tighter, like I was slipping through his fingers. “No, you’re choosing to. Stay another week. Stay with me. Don’t leave like this.”
I didn’t ever want to let go. I wanted to cling to this summer, to him. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been so happy. Maybe that’s why it felt like there was a knife in my chest. I was giving up the best thing that ever happened to me. But J.J. wouldn’t be happy 3,000 miles away from me. Neither of us would be. I had to end it. For both our sanities. I thought about how Kristen had described her relationship with Reggie. “I think we both have to accept what this was. A summer fling.”
His arms fell from around me as he took a step back. “Seriously?” He was staring at me like I had just slapped him in the face.
The look in his eyes and the absence of his arms wrapped around me made me shiver. “You don’t do long distance relationships. And I need to focus on myself.”
His Adam’s apple rose and then fell. “So that’s it? That’s all this ever was for you?”
“We knew it from the start.”
He ran his hand down his face.
A car honked outside. “I have to go. Maybe I'll see you next summer?" I wasn’t sure why I said it. Like I was trying to hold on to a shred of hope.
He didn’t respond. He just stared at me. Because we both knew he wouldn't see me next summer. We were done. Whatever we had was over. And I was falling apart. I never thought I'd hurt more than when Aiden had dumped me. But this was worse. It was so much worse. Because I never felt this strongly for Aiden. I loved J.J. I loved him and he'd never know it. I tried to hold back my tears.
"I guess this is goodbye?” I said.
He shoved his hands into the pockets of his swim trunks. He was staring at me like he didn’t even recognize me. "Have a safe flight, Jellyfish Girl."
"Good luck in New York."
He shook his head like he didn’t understand anything that came out of my mouth. I didn’t either. All of it hurt. But I hoped he’d eventually see that I did it for him. I turned around and opened my door.
“It was never a summer fling to me,” he said from behind me. “And you know that.”
I finally let my tears fall as I closed the door and walked away without looking back at him. I wanted to stay. I wanted to be with him. But I couldn't. I had to go back to school. It was a summer fling. Nothing more. Why does it feel like so much more?