JUNE

“And since all this
loveliness can not be Heaven,
I know in my heart it is June.”

—Abba Gould Woolson

Filial Piety

I never know what to give my father for Christmas.
I gave him $100 and said, “Buy yourself
something that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

–Rita Rudner

Filial Piety: In Confucian philosophy, filial piety (Chinese: , xiào) is a virtue of respect for one’s parents, elders, and ancestors. 

Dan Fogelberg has long been one of my favorite singer-songwriters. When I hear his music now, I am reminded of the 1970s, and the easy life of a ten-year-old. I think about my parents, my father mostly. Specifically, Fogelberg’s song “Leader of the Band.” Not familiar with it? It’s beautiful and the lyrics poignant, so when you finish this chapter find it on Spotify (or Pandora or wherever H). In it, he thanks his father, who was a musician and bandleader, for a few things: the music, his stories, freedom, kindness, and even for the times when “he got tough.” The most poignant part of the song for me, though, is when he sings that he didn’t say “I love you” near enough.

My relationship with my father is anything but perfect—you show me a forty-seven-year relationship that is! Yet, every time I hear the Dan Fogelberg song “Leader of the Band,” it makes me think of my dad. It sums up, in my view, what my father offered to my sisters and me as we grew up on Long Island.

MUSIC. When I was younger, and even now, my father shared with me his love of music. As such, you can hear me belting Broadway show tunes on any given Sunday during my four-mile run. Dad shared, without saying a word, that music can turn a bad mood good and can make the most boring of events (cleaning my room) somewhat tolerable. Through his music, he shared growing up in Queens, New York, during the Depression; living through World War II; his first job; his first major life decisions, such as joining the Air Force and the ROTC (“They were offering a free pair of shoes to anyone who joined, Kelly! Of course I would sign up!”); his first date with my mom; his decision to start his own company; and more. All of it was highlighted in the music that would be playing through our home.

STORIES. Here’s one. My grandfather didn’t think his son, my father, had what it took to obtain good grades in a rigid Catholic school setting. When my father came to him stating that he intended to take the Catholic School Entrance Exam, my grandfather said he would not pay for it because my dad lacked “grades and work ethic.” My father got into two schools, Chaminade on Long Island and The Most Holy Trinity (TMHT) in Queens. While he desperately wanted to attend Chaminade, neither he nor his father could afford the tuition, but TMHT was only $50. He went to his father who again refused to pay his tuition and again recommended that he attend the local public school in Hollis, Queens. My father got a job that summer (in truth, he always had some job), he saved his money, and at the end of the summer he paid the $50 from his earnings and attended TMHT. When his report card arrived showing how well he had done, my grandfather, a rather removed man, handed him $50 and said, “I guess I was wrong.” My grandfather never discussed it again, never said a word, yet he paid for his schooling for the next four years. Reflecting on the story, my father, a rather stoic man himself, began to tear up. That surprised him (and shocked the hell out of me), and then he laughed at himself and said, “I didn’t think it was that special at the time; I am not sure why I am reacting like this now after all these years.”

FREEDOM: Well, if you read this book with any consistency, you’re aware that my parents offered me freedom. Like the freedom to hop a Greyhound bus headed for a Massachusetts sleep-away camp at age six. But they also supported me with the freedom to pursue an acting career and live in New York City after finishing college. This freedom was made available to me even when freedom may have been the last thing in the world they wanted to give me. As a disclaimer, I should state that I was not so free that I wasn’t immediately punished if I broke my 10:30 p.m. curfew (a full hour earlier than that of my friends). But I did have freedom. Freedom also to make mistakes. So I journeyed, and I tried things and I failed and I succeeded. I am sure watching that was tough at times for my parents.

KINDNESS. As a parent myself now, I get how that freedom-kindness fulcrum works. Yes, you need to offer your children freedom; yes, they will make mistakes; yes, your act of kindness will be offering them forgiveness and, even more than that, understanding. Understanding that a teenager’s frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed (seriously they know not what they do) and kindness when they are hurting. The toughest time to be kind is when your children are not being kind to you. Recognize with kindness that the act of yelling and screaming at you is often just a test, a test to see if they can break a bit away from you without breaking into pieces. Don’t have a teen yet? Trust me, they will be unkind; answer it with kindness.

TIME TO GET TOUGH. All dads should be kind—that is until they need to get tough. My own teenage years were turbulent, so I saw my father’s tough side a lot during that period. Thank God! I do not want to think where I would be now had he not been tough, very tough. As a teenager, I am positive I would have made poor choices when given the above-mentioned freedom had there not been limits on my life. My father was never afraid of punishing me. He was never afraid of losing my love and admiration. He didn’t waver. He punished and he walked away. Because of this unwavering toughness, I never tried to manipulate a situation with tears. I knew it wouldn’t work. There are times when we absolutely must be tough. When we cross that line to the tough side, the most important part of my father’s toughness was that he didn’t falter. He never went back and let us out of a punishment. There were a few days, sometimes a few weeks, of lost liberties and then I was let out . . . to see what I would do next. If I failed in using my freedom wisely, again I would be punished, I would lose those freedoms. This consistency was a blessing.

The most important part of this letter, for me, is the last part. Dan Fogelberg wrote this song as his father was dying, and it is poignant that at the very end he recognizes that he didn’t tell his father he loved him nearly enough. Do we ever? Lord, I try. This is true in every relationship, not just those with our parents or children. I wonder why that is? Why we don’t say I love you more often?

I think Dan Fogelberg gives us some amazing advice to use in any relationship and I have seen firsthand how successful it can be. The five ideas held within this song absolutely work in any and every relationship. Share your music and your stories. Offer freedom and kindness. When necessary, have the guts to get tough. And never, ever believe for one moment that you have said, “I love you” near enough.

Reflections

HOW WILL YOU SHARE YOUR MUSIC, STORIES, FREEDOM, AND KINDNESS WITH THOSE YOU LOVE?*

*Exercise suggestion for a Saturday or Sunday afternoon: take your headphones off and go song-for-song with your kids on your house speaker. Play one of your songs, then one of theirs. No rules, no judgment. (Trust me, when you hear the crap they listen to you will want to judge. Don’t!)

Inspiration

To be inspired is great, to
inspire is incredible.

Inspiration: A divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation.

There was a recent Natural Awakenings publishers’ conference in Florida, which was said to have been amazing. I wasn’t able to attend, so I asked my friend—another publisher—who was there what it was that made the experience so great and what knowledge she gleaned from it. I was looking for publishing insight, so you can imagine my surprise when she laughed and said, “It was transformative, and when I left I knew I had to get new friends—that the friends I have actually suck!” I laughed with her, secretly hoping I wasn’t one of those “sucky friends.” She continued, “I realize that these women that I play tennis and golf with at my club (whew, I am neither), they are not real and that I’m not interested in continuing in uninspiring relationships.” Good for her! I look forward to hearing about her journey making new friends in her fifties—friends that inspire her.

How about you? Do the people you surround yourself with inspire you? For me the answer is, yes!

I have had the incredible opportunity to witness a coach of a local wrestling team, Miguel Rodriquez, who inspires me daily. At this point, if you need a break from this book or feel like surfing the net, hop on your computer and search for an ESPN piece called “Isaiah Bird No Excuses.” When you do, you will be floored at the abilities that this young man possesses. A second-grade student at the time of the initial airing, Isaiah is a little boy who has no legs. In his lifetime he has suffered other complications, including financial and family struggles. But those “problems” are not what you will see on the video, you will see something deeper. You will witness and be inspired by this young boy doing the most with what he has. You will also see my friend, a local teacher’s assistant and wrestling coach, who becomes a “father” to young Isaiah. In the video, Coach says, “I am like a dad. I know I am not his dad.” No words have ever impacted me as much as those have. Cue tears, beautiful story, and if it ended right there you would be moved, you would be inspired. Except it doesn’t end right there for Miguel Rodriguez.

We are part of the Long Beach wrestling community that calls itself “La Familia.” The father of that team of boys is Rodriguez, aka “Papi.” Many of our young wrestlers live extremely tough lives, living in Section 8 public housing with no parents, or parents who are so overworked that a young male can easily be forgotten or easily wind up with the wrong influences. The other boys may have too much: beautiful homes on the shores of Long Beach, fancy cars, and more, and they may get into a little trouble with their excess. Not on Rodriguez’s watch. He is on these boys’, every move. He calls them to locate them, he yells at them when they go astray, and he praises them when they work hard. He is father/big brother to every single one of these boys. He recognizes their poverty, or lack of parental guidance, or even their entitled excess, but he does not for one second allow them to utilize it as an excuse or a crutch. He pushes, he expects, and he loves each and every one of them. He is “their dad” who knows he is “not their dad.” I am blessed to have him in my life as a daily reminder of how we as human beings can inspire one another.

This chapter could be done here. With me asking you to surround yourself with the Miguel Rodriguez’s of the world. But it won’t. Because I think they may be a bit hard to find in the current climate. So instead I task you not to simply surround yourself with inspirational people, but instead for you to become inspirational. Wait what? you may be thinking, Honestly, I just wanted to read a book and maybe journal a bit and now you are asking me to be inspiring? Yes I am. Because you can be!

Oh, I don’t expect you to start fathering or mothering young people (unless you feel you can). I am simply saying that we can all—including myself, always—do more to be of service to others. We can start by choosing to surround ourselves with the people who make us want to do more and to be more. To connect to people who inspire us and thus motivate us to live a more engaged life of service.

But then we must get to the service part. There are multiple opportunities to live a life of service. You can run a race for a good cause; you can start a food drive or work with a local charity to clean our beaches, bays, or waterways. You can volunteer at a local church. Don’t belong to one? That’s okay, but this year we are trying something new; go to church and tell them the truth, “I don’t know where I stand with this whole God thing, but I am pretty sure it starts with service. Put me to work.”

If you begin to live your life serving others, you will end up, by default, surrounding yourself with inspiring people.

For the month of May I would be remiss if I did not mention that the members of our armed services inspire me profoundly. These brave men and women selflessly put themselves in harm’s way defending all of us. But service doesn’t have to be that difficult. You know who else inspires me? The woman on the beach who, when walking her dog, picks up one piece of trash every day. That is inspiring!

You can be inspiring, too!

Reflections

WHO’S IN? LIST THE PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE YOU. LIST HERE WHAT YOU CAN DO TO BE MORE INSPIRING TO OTHERS.

Nadir

You were put on this earth to achieve
your greatest self, to live out your purpose,
and to do it courageously.

—Dr. Steve Maraboli

Nadir: For the lowest possible level; lowest point.

Have you ever hit rock bottom? If not, have you come close? Or have you witnessed others hit it? I will tell you something about rock bottom that you may not believe. Rock bottom is completely individual and can be profoundly inspirational. Rock bottom can be the fifty-year-old woman who had a wonderful middle-class existence, part of the DINK (Dual Income No Kids) group of folks who get to spend money on vacations, jewelry, and cars that otherwise might have been spent on diapers, piano lessons, and college. She has lived her life exactly how she wanted and enjoys every minute with her spouse. But suddenly everything changes when her husband becomes ill and she loses her job.

Rock bottom can be the thirty-year-old mother who’s just had her third beautiful child, but then four days after the birth of that child, she is informed that her baby is critically ill and will die before he leaves the hospital.

Rock bottom is that guy who was always the hit of every party. He was your drinking buddy in college, the best man at your wedding, and he was a huge success in life with a beautiful house and family and a great job on Wall Street. Then one day, a layoff leaves him daytime hours to do what he loves—drinking, just as he did in college. A year later he is still unemployed, his wife is filing for divorce, his kids won’t speak to him, and he is in and out of rehab.

Rock bottom can be the woman who just spent a weekend in Puerto Rico and thought to herself, Wow, the spicy food here is really bothering my stomach! only to find out when she returns home that it wasn’t the food, she has colon cancer. Did I mention this same person lost her husband just a year earlier and had thought that was her rock bottom?

Rock bottom SUCKS! I have been there, and I imagine you have, too. It is the bottom of a cave, where only the darkest and most nerve-wracking thoughts cloud your brain. It is the exact place where reality, fear, and pain collide, leaving you in a place of despondency. Often, when you think you’ve hit it, you are really just part of the way there; more than likely you still have a long way to go.

Don’t hate me when I tell you that rock bottom can be the one place to truly find inspiration. Rock bottom is defined as the lowest possible level. I say Rock bottom is a place from which you can only go up!

Author J. K. Rowling was a single mother who had just lost her job when she began writing the award-winning Harry Potter series. Michael Jordan tried out for his varsity basketball team during his sophomore year and he didn’t make it. Fergie, from the musical group The Black Eyed Peas (and now a solo artist), was addicted to meth and thought SWAT teams were following her prior to getting sober in 2001. I have to believe that these folks would not be where they are now if it weren’t for rock bottom. Rock bottom is where you find a few very important things: you find out who your real friends are; you find what grit you are made of; and you find that when all is lost, you will always have hope. That is what you can find at rock bottom. If you search really hard, you can also find a bit of inspiration.

This might leave you scratching your head as you say, “Inspiration? At rock bottom? Are you one of those self-help nuts? Or are you just trying to fill pages?” Yes to both, W but I also say I am not wrong. When you hit rock bottom that is the absolute lowest level. So your only choice is to search and find the inspiration you need to climb back up. What inspires you to move up from rock bottom? Sometimes, like in Rowling’s case, it is your children. Other times, like in Fergie’s case, it is a friend. Inspiration and hope, that is what can be found at rock bottom, when everything is cleared and stripped away. You must recognize that there is always hope, and then rock bottom can’t trap you. Hope can make miracles happen and proliferate. Hope offers freedom, relief from pain, forgiveness—hope is everything. And when you combine hope and grit, those two things you have located at the bottom, they can make you soar to the top!

Your June Letter
from the Publisher