It was November—the month of
crimson sunsets, parting birds, deep,
sad hymns of the sea, passionate
wind-songs in the pines.
Anne roamed through the pineland
alleys in the park and, as she said,
let that great sweeping wind blow
the fogs out of her soul.
—L. M. Montgomery
You shouldn’t worry about what I am doing.
You should worry about why you are
worrying about what I am doing.
Thank You: A polite expression used when acknowledging a gift,
service, or compliment, or accepting or refusing an offer.
“Thank you” is powerful. It holds in it gratitude and creates a space for empathy. But I will tell a little secret about “thank you.” It holds a certain freedom.
I have a bad habit. If I am mad, I am mad! I tend to take things perhaps too personally, and in the end, I react. STRONGLY! At times, perhaps I even overreact. It might be to things like my sister telling me she didn’t like my haircut; a guy cutting me off on the road; a lady cutting in line at the grocery store. Trust me, I have a few choice words for those folks! “Oh no you didn’t!” (Imagine a super head circle with those words and some real strong puckered lips.) Ah, come on, I know you are guilty of it, too. I have had enough middle fingers thrown at me in my lifetime to know that I am not alone in my anger-based responses to situations! I imagine many of you reading this may share a similar proclivity.
Two months ago, I decided to replace angry words with a simple “thank you.” Yup, anyone who pisses me off this week is getting a thank you. That’s what I told my husband, Kevin. “No way! You can’t do it and it won’t bring you satisfaction, it simply won’t work," he said, to which I replied with a smirk, “Thank you!” Ah, hell yeah, I love a challenge! And so it began. My Thank-You Experiment went something like this: if someone cut me off, I did not throw a middle finger; instead I waved and pleasantly said, “Thank you.” A car beeped at me for sitting too long at a green light? “Thank you,” mouthed in the rearview mirror with a smile. Thank you is a diffuser. It is not always easy, and I will not lie and say I am always successful remembering to bring it out in replace of my middle finger; however, when I do remember, it actually feels . . . AWESOME!
One particular day, Kevin was a firsthand witness to me employing the “thank-you magic” when we were riding our bikes with our kids on the boardwalk that extends out to Fire Island. A couple on the path yelled, “You know you aren’t supposed to ride on this part of the boardwalk! Jeez, don’t you know anything? My God, can’t you read?”
What a great day we were having, sun shining, our kids laughing, only to be interrupted by these two a#@ holes yelling at us and, worse yet, questioning my ability to read! I wanted to scream, “Mind your own business, jerks!” Instead, I rang my bike bell—ding, ding—and said, you guessed it, “Thank you.” The funniest part is that Kevin, who was riding behind me, saw their disappointed faces. He chuckled, telling me that when I thanked them nicely, they literally didn’t know what to do. They were shocked and dumbfounded. They continued to walk on, but, according to Kevin, the dissatisfaction on their faces was priceless. He overheard their conversation, which he repeated to me: “Did she just say thank you?” and the other said, “Thank You? Idiot!” I peddled away with a smile. A BIG smile.
In this situation, it wasn’t just about getting the last word or being “cheeky.” The truth is, I set a good example for my kids to model. My daughter even asked, “Did you say thank you to them?”
“I sure did, honey, they told me information that they thought was necessary for me to have.” This is so much better than explaining why mom was screaming at two strangers. If my kids weren’t there it still would have left me smiling; no other word exchange could have done that. I peddled away with a tremendous smile on my face.
Thank you has all the wisdom, forgiveness, and inspiration you need. And thank you can absolutely contain a dash of f**k you! That’s it: thank you can be the new f**k you!
This letter is a short one; there is a reason for that. I understand we are entering the holiday season and Lord knows you are busy. But another reason this letter is a bit short is because there isn’t more I can say on the subject. I simply ask you to give it a try. “Thank you!” Actually, I insist you try it out. These two words can be loads of fun! You will literally change the way an exchange is about to go and end with a much more peaceful feeling. There’s an added bonus for those of you who, like me, are not yet 100 percent “evolved.” By employing the “thank-you project” we’ll still get the last word in an argument! H Thank you!
Reflections
TRY THE THANK-YOU PROJECT WHEN SOMEONE TRIGGERS YOUR ANGER. WHAT HAPPENED? HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL? WHAT WAS THE REACTION OF YOUR RECIPIENT?
Luck is believing you’re lucky.
—Tennessee Williams
Luck: Success or failure apparently brought by chance
rather than through one’s own actions.
I attend Mass every Sunday. There were times when I would miss a few weeks at a time but recently, over the last seven years, we have had an insightful priest and I enjoy sitting for that hour and hearing him speak and reflecting in prayer on the thoughts expressed in his homily.
This letter is based on one of Father Brian Barr’s homilies, and it inspired me and forced me this November to consider luck.
What I Learned from a Taoist Tale
Told by an Irish Priest
This farmer had only one horse, and one day the horse ran away. The neighbors came to console him over his terrible loss. “Oh, this is so terrible,” they all cried. The farmer said, “What makes you think it is so terrible?”
A month later, the horse came home—this time bringing with her two beautiful wild horses. The neighbors became excited, stating how happy they were for the farmer’s “good fortune.” Such lovely, strong horses! The farmer said, “What makes you think this is good fortune?”
Many weeks later the farmer’s son was thrown from one of the wild horses and broke his leg. In this state he could no longer work the farm for his father. All the neighbors were very distressed. “Such bad luck!” they all cried. The farmer asked, “What makes you think it is bad?”
A war came, and every able-bodied man was conscripted and sent into battle. Because he had a broken leg, only the farmer’s son remained. The neighbors congratulated the farmer. “This is good luck you have had,” they all said. “What makes you think this is good?” said the farmer.
You see the farmer knew something that most of us have a hard time conceptualizing. There is no luck, not good and not bad. Just randomness.
When experiencing a situation, it is hard to know on what side of luck you have landed. What situation is good and what situation is bad. Is it bad luck to find out you have cancer, or is it good luck because it has been found? Is it bad luck to have been laid off, or is it good luck because you needed a push to take a new path (and to get away from that horrible jerk of a boss)? Who’s to say? Rather than guessing at what is good luck and what is bad luck and trying to discern what we should be grateful for and what we should be pissed off about, why not be grateful for all of it. I just chuckled a bit because I think I got on my own nerves with that statement q. But hold on and let me take you through what may seem like an annoyingly Pollyanna-ish statement. How do we know what is good and what is bad? There are countless people who, by facing some tremendous tragedy, have persevered and managed to change the trajectory of their lives for the better. I am certain, if you ask them, they will tell you they are thankful for their blessings and their adversity—both of which led them to the lives they lead today. A few months back we spoke about JK Rowling, Michael Jordan, and to a much lesser extent Kelly Martinsen (who would not be typing these words if it wasn’t for “luck”).
Let’s try an experiment—oh, how I love experiments this month! This Thanksgiving, while we focus our energies on gratitude for the blessings in our lives, let’s go one step further and find it in our hearts to give thanks for the seemingly “bad luck” in our lives. Find a small blessing that exists within the job loss, the divorce, even the disease. Recognize that perhaps, somewhere, somehow, this bad luck will lead to something beautiful, and then let it! Let that gratitude free you from the control this bad event may be holding over you, and let this freedom carry you onto the next stone on your path.
If you are facing something devastating right now, I can imagine that my words can draw an almost angry reaction at this advice. I cannot say it enough, “I get it!” (Kinda makes me angry just writing it.)
I need to share a bit more about myself, so that you don’t get really mad at this letter, especially if you face life-threatening disease or worse. In 2007, my husband was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma, and even after chemo/radiation and a liver transplant, he faced the potential loss of that new liver, multiple times, over a period of roughly three years. The same year that my husband first learned he had an autoimmune disease that would later turn into cancer, my son was diagnosed with Landau Kleffner, a rare seizure disorder that robbed him of the comprehension to utilize speech to communicate. So, yes, I have seen my own share of shit! No, I was not always grateful, sometimes—most times—I was pissed off! But there were days, and moments, that I was. I was grateful for the one medical resident who saw Dylan have a seizure and chose to admit him to the hospital, which began the path of healing. Grateful for the time when, so saddened by my son’s and my husband’s diseases, that the four of us “hid” in our house in a dark room watching movies and eating pizza. I am grateful for the empathy that my daughter Reagan has because she lived through those experiences. I am grateful for some very small and some very big things that occurred during these years. And that brief feeling of gratitude may be just what I needed to keep going, to keep the stress of these problems from wreaking havoc on my own health.
There is randomness in our lives that we can’t control, and like a wise priest once told me when he shared a Taoist Tale, we can’t truly determine: “What is luck?”
So perhaps we need to accept a certain amount of randomness in our life, and, where possible, find a bit of the good in even the worst luck.
Reflection
DEFINE YOUR BAD LUCK. SEARCH FOR
THE GOOD LUCK WITHIN IT.
In a world where you can be
anything, be kind.
—Unknown
Kindness: The quality of being friendly, generous,
and considerate.
A
re you kind? Be kind. Seems simple, right? You might be thinking, Oh my God, did she say be kind? I mean obviously I am kind. I get it; it seems cliché, annoying, and even obvious. But can you tell me you are always kind? I mean really and truly every single day in every single situation, are you kind?
Your child walks through the door with a bad grade, you watched him refuse to study, you want to ring his neck, how can you be kind? Your toddler walks in and tells you “Sally” just hit him in the head with a stick. Are you kind to Sally (or to her mother w)? The coach didn’t play your daughter the entire game. The neighbor blocked your car and now you are stuck in your driveway. I could go on and on about the daily offenses that happen to us, and I have to ask you, are you kind then?
I am not. I wish I was, but no, I am not always kind. My kids, they hear a lecture that often starts something like, “How do you expect to get into college, with those grades?” Not kind. “Sally” is left unscathed (I mean I am not a barbarian), but her mother will get an earful, trust me, and that is not kind. The coach, oh the coach . . . (well, honestly, he is safe because if I open my mouth he will play my child even less if that is possible!). The neighbor will get a nasty note on his car! All of these situations require a certain amount of kindness that, to this date, I have not truly been offering. You can be mad or disappointed and still be kind. In fact, I will take it one step further and say you absolutely must be kind when you are mad.
I did an experiment. For twenty-one days, I randomly changed mad to kind. At first it was annoying. When I am pissed, I want to be pissed, I need to be pissed. But after the first few times, it was
. . . interesting. The first person to experience this “kindness” was a friend. She is needy, often anxious over the same little things, and at times demanding. I sometimes get frustrated with her. She texted me with a crazy demand (yes, I said demand) and normally I need to set her straight, which backs her down and gives me a sense of peace. Instead, I looked at the demand and then I kindly repeated it to her, “Sorry, just to be sure you are angry and are demanding that I go to dinner with you despite the fact that I just explained I have my daughter’s last lacrosse game to attend?”
I wanted to first clarify, in writing; is that truly an offense? Then I validated her feelings. I mean to me she is nuts in her manner and assumptions, but she doesn’t have children of her own so perhaps me blowing her off for mine adds insult to injury, so I wrote back kindly, “Okay, that’s okay, I hate that you feel that way.” Hmm, silence on the other end of the phone as she normally gets a fight back from me. Eventually, she tried again. And again, I said, “I hate that you feel that way.” The situation was dropped, we had dinner the next night and, what’s more, we had fun!
My teenager, who came home with repeated bad grades (read F), well let me tell you that one was tough. You got a 55 on a test that I continually begged you to study for? Kindness, I thought to myself. Honestly what I really yelled in my head was, SERENITY NOW! (But not sure how many would get the Seinfeld reference.) I said, calmly, “That stinks, bud, I know you aren’t happy with that. I know you have goals to go away to college, and it’s important to you, so how can I help you to attain those goals?” Oh, I still took away his phone, but what I also took away was the high-pitched, bitch-fit that usually would occur in my house.
Service to others is an amazing way to be kind and to keep kindness at the forefront of your life.
I believe service is one of the hardest things to participate in but absolutely the most rewarding. I mentioned a few letters back about my friend the local wrestling coach. It is good to be friends with him because he has time for everything. If you need him, he is there, no questions asked. He is busy, working more than one job, planning a wedding (to a woman whose soul is as beautiful and giving as his), and managing more than one wrestling team, but if one of his boys needs him, he drops everything and will be there. It is absolutely humbling how kind he is and how available. When I catch myself saying, “I can’t go to the fundraiser,” or “sorry no time for coffee,” I think of him . . . and I make the time.
So there is my friend Miguel, who absolutely and completely lives his life in service to the young men entrusted to his care. He is kind. He doesn’t seem to know the words, “No I am too busy.” He works multiple jobs, he is available whenever someone needs him, and he is never too busy to open his heart or his home. I swear his “kindness” and his service literally can make other people feel inadequate. (Me, I am other people and, yes, there are times when I feel awkward around him because his kindness is in my face challenging me to be better, to be kinder.) I should, every day strive to find ways that I can be kind and I can serve. You should, too.
Your gesture of kindness doesn’t have to be dramatic. To be kind, you just need to, well, be kind! Sometimes it is through service to others that you can truly identify what it feels like to extend true kindness. Service brings awareness to you that the power of being kind is actually inspirational. It is a domino effect, too; Miguel makes me want to be kind. Donating 50 percent of all my proceeds of this book is a kindness. I am lucky because I can afford to do that. We don’t have to give away all our money, or all of our time, to be kind. If we can, great! If not, the simple act of offering a dollar to a man on the street or in your barista’s tip jar is a kindness. A smile on an elevator is a kindness. Forgiving a friend is a kindness. So let’s be kind!
I also say, at all times, be kind to yourself. There is a fine line between being available for a needy friend and being manipulated by them. You must set the boundaries that you will use to offer kindness to others and at the same time honor and be kind to yourself. My friend and I have a great relationship, but I do need to be kind to myself in the relationship, too. I can’t have her manipulating me or else it isn’t really a friendship anymore, is it. So I place kind invisible boundaries that allow me to continue that friendship, honoring first that those boundaries are my kindness to myself. Being kind does not mean allowing others to walk all over you or take advantage of you. It doesn’t mean “be a doormat.” In fact, it is the opposite because if your first kindness is always to yourself, you will never be someone’s punching bag.
I repeat, kindness does not mean be a sucker! And with that I will end this letter, because my neighbor just blocked me in my driveway and I have to go be kind to them. 
Reflections
WHO NEEDS YOUR KINDNESS?
IF YOU CAN’T THINK OF SOMEONE OFF THE
TOP OF YOUR HEAD, PERHAPS YOU CAN DO
AN ONLINE SEARCH FOR “LOCAL VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES” TO INSPIRE YOU.