Welcome, October.
Please be awesome.
And in the end, it’s not the years in your life
that count. It’s the life in your years.
—Edward J. Stieglitz, MD
Carpe Diem: To seize the day.
Twenty years from now you will
be more disappointed by the things you
didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
—Author Unknown
This advice, often attributed to Mark Twain, is responsible for launching my adventure, starting my own company and what ultimately pushed me to take the leap to become a publisher of a health magazine. No, I didn’t read the quote one day and decide to dive headfirst into a new career. Rather, the sentiment has accompanied me through life to use when I was looking for a little courage to take on something new. You see, I am often ruled by fear. Reading this book you may not believe that. Remember, though, that this book was for me first. To move me from my comfort zone and into a more inspired way of living. Sometimes we all live life a bit fear-based. For example, I will see a class, let’s say a hula-hoop class, that looks fun and maybe even hilarious! Why wouldn’t I just sign right up? Vacations are the same; while I dream about a trip to Panama or Mexico, the naysayer inside says to me, “Nah, the water in those countries may make you sick, or worse, what if there are banditos?” (Obviously, I have the capacity to ratchet up my fear base to an entirely crazy level.)
The thought of taking a hot yoga class should be an easy decision for me, right? After all, yoga is a recurring theme in this book. Yet, way back for the first class, I needed Mark Twain’s advice to do it. Yup, it’s true, for my first Bikrahm yoga class, I needed inspiration to be locked in a 105-degree room with fifty sweaty, middle-aged men and woman in various states of undress for ninety minutes while we bend “back, way back, way, way back . . .” “OH MY BACK!” Why? Because, I am fear-based: a Nervous Nelly at times 
. So the opening quote is my go-to words of wisdom to help move my decisions out of their natural fear-based response, which is usually “no.” Oh, I am not that rude when asked to participate in a bubble soccer league (Yes, there is such a thing. No, I have not said yes to it yet.) or even an exotic surf trip, something I would desperately love the courage to say yes to. I simply find a reason to say “no” that doesn’t look fear-based. “Sorry, we have kids’ sports.” That one is a good answer now that my children are in school and, yes, their sports commitment is larger than my commitment to my job at times. But I let my kids’ sports become my way out. When the sports are over, I am sure I will have another excuse for not doing something: “no time,” “no interest” (even when I am interested), etc.
Would you believe I suffer from a second serious condition along with my fear-based decision-making syndrome? I suffer from something I call FOMO: Fear of Missing Out, which can be a real motivator. The idea that you regret only “the things you didn’t do” has always stuck with me and often provided me with a bit of courage.
We each play many roles throughout our lifetime. I am wife to Kevin; daughter to Marilyn and Ray; mother to Dylan and Reagan; sister to Diana, Lana, Caroline, and Laurajean; aunt, yogi, chocolate lover, gym rat, wine lover, couch potato, Zumba enthusiast, potato chip sneaker, PTA member, friend, Long Island local, paddle surfer, sugar craver, green drink maker, runner, and now (gasp), author.
Every one of those roles is a bit scary (honestly have you met my family?). It is scary to give of yourself and scary to try new things. Life is scary! Taking a leap is scary, but isn’t missing out scarier? I believe if you asked Kevin, he would say “yes.”
As a mother of two beautiful children, I’ve often relied on this inspirational quote, while encouraging my children to try something new, make a new friend, or when encouraging them to engage in a new sport or academic activity.
We want to regularly nurture our spirit, but often fall on the excuses, “Oh, I’m too busy to do that today.” That is a fear-based excuse. You are only fooling yourself when you say this. We have time for what we make time for. It is true that you don’t have time. Time is not endless, it is finite (don’t look so shocked, remember I broke the news to you this February about your impending death). So spend what time you have wisely. You don’t want to look back and see that you didn’t use your time to its full potential. We have to use our time to love with abandon, to tackle fears, and launch into careers and hobbies not without fear but in spite of fear.
So let me ask you, what is being proposed to you right now? A new relationship? A new career or opportunity? A new adventure or hobby? What is fear keeping you from? Whatever it is, tell yourself, “It is time to sail away from the harbor.”
Reflections
WHAT ADVENTURE AWAITS YOU? WHAT ARE THE STEPS YOU NEED TO TAKE TO “SET SAIL?”
The true measure of your worth includes
all the benefits others have gained
from your success.
—Cullen Hightower
Measure: To ascertain the size, amount, or degree of
(something) by using an instrument or device marked in
standard units or by comparing it with an object of known size.
In Jonathan Larson’s Broadway play Rent, at the end of the show, is a cacophony of amazing voices singing about, of all things, time in the song “Seasons of Love.” The actors explain in song that a year can be defined as 525,600 minutes, but then they question how do you measure it? How do you measure a year? Do you measure in daylights or sunsets, midnights or cups of coffee? In inches or in miles or in laughter or in strife? Then the answer comes from some angelic voice, when she belts out, “How about love? Measure in love!”
Ha! Wouldn’t that be rich? If only we were wise enough to measure a year in love!
Humans are notorious for trying to find a magical tool to measure success. Something that validates them, allowing them to say, “Yes, I am successful at my new job.” The career measuring stick most use? Money. How about measuring your success as a parent? If our children eventually become doctors or lawyers, we’d likely feel that we were successful as parents. Finance, status, bragging rights, these are all our measuring sticks. All too often, success is measured in the money we make, as exemplified by the things we buy to show that we’ve made a lot of money. That’s probably why there are so many expensive cars on the road today. Status indicates success, success gives you status, and the two are measured by the almighty dollar.
Five years ago, in the month of October, I took some of my own great advice and “set sail.” I purchased a magazine and formed a company. Three weeks later, Superstorm Sandy tore through Long Beach, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. Sandy flooded my new office with sewage, destroying everything I had just purchased. It was all gone: the existing contracts, computers, software, and the first month’s issue of the actual magazine. Did I mention this office of mine was in my house? Yes, and a third of my home was ruined and would need to be gutted to the studs. Worse than my home status was that of my neighbors’ homes. I was lucky that only part of my house had been destroyed; others in my town were not so lucky, and many faced total loss. Rebuilding parts of my home and office was a long, mostly torturous process of insurance denials (they covered the house but not its contents) and apologies (for not covering the contents), in that order, and construction workers who showed up when they could.
The year after the storm, I had no choice but to continue with that leap of faith and launch my magazine, while in the midst of gutting my home, fighting with the insurance company, and calming my children’s fears. Maybe it wasn’t as great a launch as I had planned originally. Measured in financial terms it was not a success and, following similar logic, neither was I. Ugh! I am competitive and I want success! We all do. But what if I had been using the wrong ruler? Instead of looking at my company financials and the stacks of bills, what if I measured my success using love as the yardstick and not money? Everything is different from this perspective. When I look back at the aftermath experiences of that storm measured in love, then all I see is success! I see people bringing clothes, food, and Red Cross blankets; neighbors and strangers helping to tear down drywall from flooded homes, and sharing generators and gas. I can only seem to remember that I witnessed a beauty in humanity after the storm that I never would have experienced had the storm not occurred. I have a choice how I remember and measure that storm, how I measure that new business or my first year of marriage. Choose to measure in love.
Here is what happened when I looked back on 525,600 minutes of my new career as an author. I hated the pressure but love the book. Deadlines were tough, but I loved the process and working with the amazing Christine Belleris. I needed to skip out on a few things that I didn’t want to miss while writing this book, but I love, love, love my husband for making breakfast and lunch for the kids, and I love my kids for encouraging me. I loved the experiences that I had as I ventured deeper into a more inspired lifestyle. And my magazine readers, and friends, who texted and emailed me with encouraging words and inquiries on when and where they could purchase the book? I love them. I have no idea how much money this book may—or may not—bring in. But am I measuring my success as a first-time author with a financial measuring stick? Oh, no, I am measuring it in love.
During these past 525,600 minutes, what else did I love? I loved sunsets, from Long Beach to Fire Island; I loved my kids’ surf contests, wrestling matches, and lacrosse games. I loved surfing in my “backyard” where I would often encounter new friends (and even dolphins!). Oh, and I loved my wedding anniversary. Sure, there were things I hated. Things like the passing of someone dear to me, and the wakes that I had to attend. But I love that I was able to say at those wakes, “I had the opportunity to know and love that person and that my minutes with him or her were so amazing they were immeasurable.”
Jonathan Larson died young and tragically. I bet, though, that were he to have the opportunity to measure that year prior to his death, working on a piece of art that filled his soul, he would say, his 525,600 minutes prior to his death were absolutely “a success!”
Reflections
WHAT IS YOUR MEASURING STICK?
WHAT ARE YOU MEASURING?
(LOOKING FOR A LITTLE INSPIRATION?
ASK YOUR ALEXA DOT OR SIRI TO PLAY THE SONG “SEASONS OF LOVE” FROM RENT.)
Attitude is the ability to reframe the experience
to empower you to future victories.
—Orrin Woodward
Reframe: To frame or express (words or a concept or plan) differently.
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new
landscapes but in having new eyes.
—Marcel Proust
“You gotta reframe that!” said fellow publisher Joe Dunne one day when I was complaining about my feelings toward a business associate. The relationship had begun to feel one sided. “I can’t stand it; there is nothing more I can give. I feel used!” I complained. My expectation was that Joe, a good friend, a man I admired for his spunk and his wisdom would sympathize with me and maybe give me a salty word or phrase to hurl at this person. Instead, he simply said with his raspy Rockaway Beach inflection, “Come on rock star, you gotta reframe that thought!” Joe made me think. He usually does.
When things occur in our lives, they don’t have an impact on us. Rather, they elicit reactions from us. Unpleasant events happen in all of our lives, but it is the way we hang that event on the proverbial wall of our life—how we “frame” that event—that determines its impact on us.
Take, for example, the employee who gets a bad annual review, or the student who receives a bad report card, or the multitasking adult who is both a student and an employee who receives a bad review and at the same time a bad report card! (Poor sod.) They have the ability to frame it as an opportunity for growth and development, to implement changes to ensure that next year is even better. That type of frame is what I would refer to as a Frame of Empowerment. That frame gives you a source of positive energy that propels you toward a specific goal. These positive actions then fuel your very cells, your relationships, and your whole life. You can also choose to frame events in your life with what I like to call the “FU frame.” That approach is used when you place the things that are happening to you in a F&*k You Frame. Yes, that is one angry frame. That was the frame I was using in the above scenario with my friend Joe. Using this frame for an event only spurs you to begin fighting. Fighting your bosses and the teachers, it initiates you into a gossiping frenzy about the review you got at work, telling your co-workers month after month that your manager is “fat and stupid.” It stirs, if you will, a shit storm around an already unpleasant event. The truth is that the FU frame entertains others, but it leaves you with the life chaos. The only person that particular frame actually “F’s” is YOU!
Everyone should have a friend like Joe: an older, wiser, full of pep “guru” who will set you straight when needed. He made it clear that it wasn’t what was happening to me that caused my unrest, it was how I viewed or “framed” it.
This is true for physicalities as well. Too often, I have heard women my age speak with disgust, about “bat wings” on their arms, “love handles” draping their hips, and wrinkles on their faces. A much more loving approach is to simply eat healthfully and exercise, and when you believe you are the healthiest version of you, then reframe and see your body as the thing a child hugs at night when running from monsters under his or her bed. Your wrinkles? Reframe those beautiful suckers as etchings that are permanent reminders of all the times you have loved and laughed, smiled and winked.
I would never be writing this book if a company that I had dedicated my life to for over thirteen years hadn’t laid me off. The day I was laid off, I was devastated and angry, and I did gossip with my friends. I called my friends and co-workers, crying, saying that the man that made the decision to let me go was “fat and stupid.” And, at the time, I think I even called him “lonely”! (Don’t judge, I was hurt. W) In the end, though, after I grieved for a day or two, I reframed my situation as an opportunity instead of a catastrophe (even though it kind of was at the time).
In 2012, Oprah said the following statement that literally helped me change the way I live my life (when I remember it). W When she discussed the abundance in her life, she said, “I live in the space of thankfulness and I have been rewarded a million times over for it. I started out giving thanks for the small things and the more thankful I became the more my bounty increased. That’s because what you focus on expands, and when you focus on the goodness in your life you create more of it.”
So what if I “reframe” my initial thoughts (thank goodness for friends like Joe!) and live in a state of gratitude instead? Would my bounty increase? Could it possibly be that easy? By simply changing the way I view the world, reframing my thoughts with gratitude, would my life be different? I guess it can’t hurt to try, and let’s face it, I mean, hello? Oprah has accumulated a pretty impressive bounty!
Here it goes: I am grateful for wonderful parents whose love and support continues to yield infinite blessings, and for four amazing sisters—two that are my angels in heaven and two that are my best friends here on Earth. I am grateful for my friends who are my soul sisters and my children who make my heart sing every time they laugh. I am grateful for my cousins, and my in-laws (yup, I said it—my in-laws—they rock!). I am grateful for plank pose and headstand and family near and far. I am thankful for nieces and nephews who as they age become my friends, for my fabulous neighbors, my mentors old and new, and a husband whom I fall in love with again every time he smiles (in an effort to be transparent, when I am not falling in love with him, I am undoubtedly bitching at him about something). I am thankful for waves (and dolphins!). I am thankful for the ability to write. I feel blessed when my legs and arms run those races that my mind wants to quit. I’m grateful for my Catholic faith and the hard times it has seen me through. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the blessing of having known and expressed love and laughter with so many who have left this world entirely too soon. I am especially grateful when I glimpse a hummingbird in my garden.
Hmmmm! That felt good, really, really good. What if I did that every single day? What if, like Oprah, I simply focused on being grateful for what I have? What if I stopped focusing on an opportunity missed or an item lost and replaced those thoughts with gratitude? Already, I have experienced even more wonderful blessings come my way. I’ll give you one more what if. What if we all did that? What if we all focused on gratitude? What would the collective universal bounty be then?
Reframing led me here, where I sit doing something I love and would never have had the opportunity to do had I not first been laid off. I can honestly say I am grateful to that stupid, fat, lonely man! H (Again . . . baby steps!)
Reflections
DESCRIBE A CURRENT SITUATION
THAT YOU SHOULD REFRAME.
CAN YOU REFRAME IT WITH GRATITUDE?