Julia didn’t know what she wanted. One moment, she wanted Gavin next to her, the next, away from her. She wanted him to hold her close in his arms, yet keep her at arm’s length. Why did she have to feel anything? Why couldn’t she just forget what it was like being with him?
Because doing that was like asking her to forget her own name.
“What are you doing alone on Christmas?” she asked, breaking the silence. “I mean, why aren’t you with somebody for the holidays?”
“What are you doing alone on Christmas?” he countered.
“Please don’t answer my question with a question.”
“Here’s your answer then: I chose to be.” He poked at the burning logs, the fire reflecting in his hard gaze.
Of course he had a choice. After she broke it off, her friends kept chitchat about Gavin to a minimum, but it was easy to assume he had moved on quickly. He was just too famous, too handsome, to be single for long. “I don’t mean to pry. I was just wondering why you’re not spending Christmas with…” She gestured with her hands like she always did when she tripped on her words, “with one of your…you know, a woman that you’re…when I know you have plenty to…” For Pete’s sake! Stammering was so unsexy.
He looked at her in bemusement. “Christmas should be spent with people you care about, and people who care about you. Weren’t you thinking the same when you said yes to Ashley’s invitation?”
Julia nodded. “Ashley and Bruce are like my family.”
His gaze softened, melting on her, and his deep voice was gentle as he said, “Yeah, I know.”
He did know. She told him so much about her past, including the story of how her parents had died in a car accident when she was in college. She’d had no siblings, no relatives to lean on. Julia had never been so open with a man before. Usually, she was more reserved when it came to guys, but Gavin’s open nature and honesty about his own past broke down her defenses day by day. At first, she’d shared small things, like how Dutch had been her first language. Her grandparents had raised her in Belgium until she was eight years old, while her parents looked for jobs in California. He’d been so impressed by her stilted Dutch, and his enthusiasm had inspired her to start writing old childhood friends she’d neglected for too long. Then she started sharing a little more, from the good to the bad. And before she could put up her guard and slow things down, she’d realized she had no guard at all when it came to Gavin. It was too easy, and she didn’t trust easy.
“Julia, I want to ask you…are you happy?” He replaced the poker and sat down across from her.
Happy? She wondered if it was the wine, the question, or the heat of the fire that made her want to fan her face—or just him. “What do you mean?”
“I guess what I’m asking is, have you found what you were looking for since you ended things with us?”
Heart pounding, she felt her defenses shoot up. “What do you care about what I’m looking for?”
“Care? I guess I shouldn’t, especially after all this time.” He shrugged, crossed his arms, and narrowed his eyes. “I’m just curious if you are still making a game out of finding a guy, seducing him, and once he really cares about you, once you have him on his knees, cutting him off like a bad dream?”
Contempt shot through her and she pushed to her feet. “Excuse me?”
“Well?” He looked up at her lazily. “Do you?”
“How dare you say that?” It hurt to hear him say something so callous. As if she treated him like a toy and nothing else. Wasn’t that what he’d been doing? What they agreed on when they first met? Unbelievable. Like he was so innocent. “Who do you think you are?”
He rose, steadily meeting her eyes, towering over her. “I’m the man you used and led on for your pleasure. The one who had to chase you down because you dumped him with a few choice words on a to-do list notepad.”
“Used you? Led you on?” Her fists curled at her sides. “This is crazy. You were barely broken up with Brooke. It was all over the magazines. Everywhere I went, I kept seeing you and her on the cover, everyone wondering if a reconciliation was in the works.”
His brows knitted together. “Barely broken up? First of all, Brooke and I had been over long before the media finally let our relationship die,” he told her. “Our relationship had been done for at least four months before the media got word of it and started to tag me as a cheating and a lying boyfriend. All of which was totally fabricated to sell copies. I told you Brooke and I didn’t even speak to each other anymore, and a reconciliation was just tabloid rumor. If you’d talked to me instead of reading the stupid magazines, you would know that.”
“The media doesn’t make up everything, Gavin,” she said, scrambling for another attack. “Don’t even think about denying the fact that before you and I were together, you were seeing a different girl every other week.”
“Just because I spent time with different women—some of whom were just friends by the way—doesn’t make me some heartless womanizer. You were the only girl I was involved with, and I thought I’d made it pretty obvious after spending every free moment I had with you, and no one else. You were the one that broke it off with this supposed player.”
True. It was either that or take a risk that would eventually break her heart. So what if she and Gavin had chemistry? Amazing sex? A fast friendship? It didn’t mean he wouldn’t trade her up the next week when he got bored with her. He was meeting outgoing, trendy, worldly women from Hollywood to Hong Kong. The kind that only ate organic and knew every designer’s first and last name. She worked for a bank, cooked with and ate real butter, and her big dream was to own a jellyfish tank some day. Gavin had been on a reality show, had traveled around the world, and his agent had been hounding him about offers to come back to TV. He’d given it serious consideration because the money was tempting and frankly, Julia couldn’t blame him. But knowing he could be back on TV and along with the rumors Brooke wanted him back, Julia decided it was best to end it. She didn’t want to be with someone whose lifestyle moved so different from her own, and she had an aversion to their relationship eventually being pushed into the spotlight.
“It would’ve never worked anyway, and you know it, Gavin,” she said in a quiet, hopeless voice, unable to meet his searching eyes. “We’re too different.”
She turned, and he grabbed her arm. “Too different?” he murmured, tilting his head, forcing her to look at him, the intensity of his blue, smoky eyes hypnotizing her. “Were we so different when we talked about growing up in big cities? Wishing we had backyards instead of apartment rooftops to play on? Sharing our dreams, our heartbreaks. Me losing one of my best friends to cancer, and you losing your parents to a car accident?” His roughened hand slid to her cheek as his eyes roamed to her mouth. She was amazed how much will it took to stand there, feigning no reaction, with her entire being alert and alive at his light stroke. She didn’t have the strength, or the heart, to push him away just yet.
“Were we so different,” he went on, his voice rasp as he feathered his fingertips down her jaw to her neck, “when we stayed up until morning watching old cartoons? When we made love to each other, were we so different? When we spent every possible night together, learning all we could about one another other and never getting enough?” He gave her shoulders a squeeze. “Answer me.”
Her throat closed. How was she supposed to respond? Especially when he held her, when his lips were so close to hers? A hot lump grew in her throat, eyes burning. Tears? Really? She fought to keep them from spilling. “We had a few things in common…we had a good time, but…”
He tilted his head the other way. “Just a good time?”
Heat crept up her neck, to her cheeks, and Julia turned her face. Things between them those months ago were moving so fast, so right, that they had frightened her. To be close…to let someone in who would hurt her…she couldn’t believe she’d let it get so far. So she ran. In her mind, she had done the right thing, leaving before she got left. It had been her turn to do the leaving. Nothing seemed in her control ever since her parents had been taken from her, except her ability to shield herself from more heartbreak. She’d done it before, walked away from a relationship before she got in too deep, and not once did the guy fight for her. Gavin was the first one to track her down and call her on it. Even though he cared about her, she didn’t trust someone with a reputation and lifestyle like his. She’d told herself it was for the best, that letting him go was the safe, smart thing to do. Was he making this play now so she would rethink her decision or was all this smooth talking part of a plan for revenge for hurting his ego? Her heart closed off at the thought. “You…” she strove for strength. “You said you wouldn’t touch me.”
He dropped his hold, and took a step back. “I’ll try not to make the same mistake twice,” he said in clipped tones.
She shivered under his hurt gaze, instinctively rubbing her arms for warmth even though she stood next to the fire.
Just then, a succession of three beeps sounded, interrupting the tension. Gavin marched to his coat hanging on the hook and retrieved his cell. “Bruce just sent me a text message. They’re with Eli and Betsy, but the main roads have been blocked off until tomorrow. They’ll be here in the morning.”
At least they knew everyone was okay. But now she was definitely stuck with Gavin for the rest of the night, alone, with nothing but her pride to shield her.
“I sent him a text back saying we’re fine.” He tucked the phone back in the coat, and then picked up his duffle bag. “I’ll be in the guest room.”
She took a deep breath and headed to the kitchen, belatedly wishing she hadn’t pushed him away now. What a moody mess she was. Why couldn’t she make up her mind? Maybe if she knew what he was really doing, she could figure out what she really wanted.