As far as facts that have to be faced sooner or later go, this is one you should face sooner rather than later.
It's not really something you don't actually know already, somewhere deep down, where that particular bit of realization sits slumbering alongside "It's not really correct to have an affair with a married man," and "It'll end in tears."
However, it is a fact that deserves to be woken up, examined carefully, understood and accepted before it is laid to rest again until next time. If you ignore it you will regret it at some point, and not facing it will probably either cause your affair to come to an end at a time that is not of your choosing, or you will make yourself quite dreadfully unhappy because you are living a relationship that isn't what you are allowing yourself to believe it to be.
As the official term "extra-marital" suggests, you are "extra." Extra as in "Outside," extra as in "Additional." The official relationship happens elsewhere. Now that relationship may be pretty reasonable, it may be mundane and boring, or it may be dreadful (although you believe him when he describes it as such at your peril).
For all you know it may even be a pretty good relationship (which beggars the question why he is with you in the first place of course).
But he is not, by any definition "your man." He has a wife (or a long term partner), and you can not and should not try to pretend that what is going on between you and him is a sort of parallel universe version (a much better one in your eyes, of course) of "the real thing."
Some men manage to have two (or rarely even more) simultaneous marriages with two homes, two partners, and two lives. That's called bigamy and is illegal in most places and cultures.
What you are having is an affair! The good bit about this is that it's at least legal, the bad bit is that you have to accept it as such and not try and turn it into a home-baked version of bigamy, just without the legal consequences.
It is only natural that we want to arrange our lives in a way that follows the path we know and understand as closely as possible, maybe with occasional detours to avoid boredom setting in. It is human nature to crave a framework we understand and feel safe in. Once we reach adulthood we have usually learned how to arrange matters so they fit into that framework, and when things start going pearshaped that framework gives us a sense of security and guidance which is quite comforting.
So we tend to try and apply the same rules to our affair that we would apply to a more conventional relationship. That is a mistake and the sooner we accept that what we are engaged in is an affair and not a conventional relationship the better.
When we have an affair we are moving outside our framework. We are in (for us) uncharted territory, and have to find our way anew at every junction, making up new structures as we move along. That is hard work and very unsettling, at a time when we emotionally need the security of something familiar to hang on to the most.
Hence we tend to try and apply the same structures and a similar framework to an affair as we would have done if we were in a relationship, and are invariably disappointed when the affair does not follow those rules and does not fit the framework we have set for it.
It takes a brave (or foolish, or both...) woman to truly embrace that fact and venture forth into a territory where the "here and now" is what counts and everything else has to be made up as we go along.
To start with this is exciting, and, whether we really admit it or not, one of the aspects of having an affair that makes us believe we're onto something really special. Moving outside the usual framework is a way of breaking out. It makes us feel very free, unshackled by convention, and gives us a dangerously seductive sense of escape.
The more trapped we have felt, consciously or subconsciously, in our life prior to having an affair the more easily we are enticed into entering this dangerous secret universe where there is only us and the man we are getting involved with, and where there are no borders other than the ones we draw; nothing to hold on to than each other, no clear picture of "tomorrow" to guide us, and a "yesterday" that is only ours.
There will, however, come the day where we will get frightened by our own bravery, and where we will feel lost rather than free. So we try to turn the affair into a relationship in our own mind, and apply the familiar rules of past relationships to our affair for security and because we subconsciously want to bring some order back into the chaos we created. Chances are that this is where things will start to go seriously wrong. Repeat after me:
"This is an affair, and an affair is not a "normal" relationship."
If you once again allow me to use my own experiences as an example: I am "doing this whole affair thing" for the second time, and because I have "been there, done it, worn the T-Shirt" previously I apply the rules and frameworks from the past affair to the current one, rather than having to try and fit an affair into the framework of a conventional relationship.
I can't actually remember if and how I figured things out the first time round, maybe we never quite left the heady stages of excitement sufficiently to force me to apply any "normal relationship frameworks" to that first affair.
What I do remember is that the few times when I allowed myself to get somewhat confused about the status of my affair were not healthy.
You are (at least for the time being), having an affair. An affair is not a "normal" relationship. Remember that.
If you are the type who needs a sense of normality then you will have to try and "knit" yourself a custom-made new framework to fit this unconventional relationship into. This allows you to avoid the unhealthy temptation of applying the rules that govern normal relationships to your affair and finding the affair breaking those rules at every junction.
It is, however, probably always best to just allow this non-relationship to exist outside any conventional frameworks. Yes, that can make it a scary place to be, but, frankly, if we were truly frightened by scary places we would not have entered into an affair with our eyes wide open in the first place.
Allowing ourselves to live the affair as an affair without the shackles of convention will probably be extremely liberating. Once we let go of those shackles we can live the affair for what it is and avoid the constant upset of comparing it to something it is not, never has been, and probably never will be.
This chapter was originally supposed to be called "Do not fall in love with him."
When I looked at it again it occurred to me that this would have been an exceedingly silly title considering how little control we truly have over that matter.
Obviously it would be a positively grand idea not to fall in love with a married man, but usually by the time you buy a book to help you through your affair that particular bit of advice is about as useful as suggesting that you ought not to have an affair in the first place.
If the human race was designed to be able to control their emotions to the extent necessary to even begin to follow this bit of advice the world would be a very different place.
If you are one of the people who has at least a degree of control over her feelings please exercise it for your own sake as much as anything else. However, chances are you will not be able to completely steer your emotions in that way, and this fact will make you both vulnerable and dangerous.
Vulnerable because we all know how much it can hurt when we love someone and things go pearshaped, and dangerous because we know equally well what Shakespeare meant when he wrote that "hell hath no fury like a (loving) woman scorned."
With the deceptive 20/20 clarity of hindsight you may one day judge your own emotions rather differently, see where you may have mixed up lust and love, where you may have been led or even manipulated into believing that you were living out a remake of Romeo and Juliet when what was really going on was simply an affair. Little more (yet also no less) than the age-old situation of hormones getting the better of two people who were in the right place at the right time when opportunity presented itself in the right way.
However, even if you can't stop yourself falling in love with him, either because you already are or because there simply isn't an obvious "OFF" switch to the part of the heart that falls in love, you actually can guard your heart to a degree.
Doing so requires some reflective thinking, and a hefty dose of realism which many find hard to digest. It is however in your own interest that you at least attempt to do so.
Guarding your heart involves reserving a part of your brain to the piece of information I have repeated again and again in this book, and which you are actually well aware of if you allow yourself to look at it:
It will end in tears
Now for all intents and purposes this does not come as "news" to you. Deep down we all know that someone is probably going to get rather badly hurt in this, and deep down we are also aware of the fact that this "someone" is most likely to be us.
By ignoring this fact and pretending that it doesn't exist we leave ourselves wide open to getting hurt even more when things go pearshaped sooner or later.
Blows we expect, even if we don't dwell on them too often, never hit us as hard or with as devastating an effect as those that we allow to sneak up on us. What that means in practical terms is that we should allow ourselves to look the facts in the eye from time to time. This does not mean that we should let them ruin what we have, quite the opposite. Let's enjoy the affair and make the very best of it.
What it does mean is that we should periodically, and especially when we are in danger of getting totally swept away by the sheer emotion of it all, remember that the man who elicits such strong feelings and may fast be becoming the center of our universe, is in fact a married man who is probably still going to be a married man long after his affair with us has ended.
This may not be the outcome we desire, and if we beat the odds it may actually not even be the actual outcome of our affair, but if we simply assume this to be the case we will probably have a happier affair and avoid the outcome we are training ourselves to accept.
By guarding our hearts I don't mean we should stop our feelings. I am saying that even when we allow our emotions to run free they must not be allowed to blind us to the reality of our situation.
Promises within an affair can be dangerous, or pointless, and sometimes they turn out to be both. When you begin an affair with a married man you know deep down what his promises are worth. You may not feel like thinking about it in detail, but at some point that man stood in front of an altar (or a registrar, or a rabbi, or a Buddhist monk for that matter), and promised, in some form or another, to be faithful. So much for his promises. He probably also promised to forsake all others. You get my drift.
Now obviously for some people the wedding vows are just a part of an expensive ceremony, with as much real long term impact on their behavior as the candles on the cake, but for most they do mean at least something.
By definition this makes any promise from him to you not exactly worthless perhaps, but you should take it with a large grain of salt. He is not really in a position to make promises anyway, short of the one that he will try not to hurt your feeling, and he may well break that one, too.
If he promises to leave his wife, especially when he does so early in your affair, then he probably won't.
Similar to how people who repeatedly announce their impending suicide usually live to a ripe old age, the married man who keeps pledging to leave his wife "when the time is right" tends to be the guest of honor at his own golden wedding anniversary.
There are, of course, exceptions to every rule but for your own peace of mind, and to prevent you wasting years waiting for a day that may never come, you'd be sensible to work on the premise that for at least the foreseeable future things will carry on as they are.
If you are happy with this (or can at least live with it without being unhappy) then that is all well and good. If your plans about your whole future are based on his promises you should give yourself a bit of a talking to, as you will probably be disappointed.
As far as your own promises go, the only things you should pledge is that you will not cause all hell to break lose by doing something stupid such as getting yourself caught or telling his wife about your affair. This means during the affair and after it has ended.
Don't promise that you will wait for him however long it takes. His is not a prison sentence which you should sit out on his behalf, waiting for his early release for good behavior! There is no such thing as getting out on remand from a marriage.
You can't promise to be still waiting at a point in the possibly very distant future which is completely out of your control. If you do you may still be holding yourself to that promise when you travel to your clandestine meetings on your free pensioner's bus-pass.
If you are the promising kind, promise to always treat each other with respect, and to be honest to each other when either one of you feels that the affair is bringing more sorrow than it adds happiness to your lives. Just as it is fundamentally wrong to let any normal relationship lie fatally wounded without putting it out of its misery, it is cruel to let an affair turn sour and sad once it has run its course.
As far as promises go, this is one you should make to yourself. Promise yourself that you will get out before it hurts you too badly, or ruins your life. Promise that you will never be the woman who looks back at the past few years and says: "How could I have wasted all this time and emotion on that man?"
An affair should be a beautiful memory, one you should look back upon with a smile and with affection, whichever way the cookie crumbles in the end. Promise him, and yourself, that that's how you will want to remember it if and when it ends.
Making demands is something that doesn't fit too well into any kind of relationship, but I'm afraid making demands rarely has a rightful place in an affair.
You can not really demand a thing apart from being treated fairly which should not have to be demanded in the first place but be standard procedure in any kind of relationship. As far as any other demands are concerned: You are the Other Woman and you knew he was a married man at some point during the proceedings.
Therefore you are in no position to demand that he sees you at any given time, nor do you have any right to demand that he leaves his wife for you - let alone with any deadlines attached.
If you don't like the way things are going for you then tell him. See what, if anything, he can or wants to do about it, or get the hell out of it. But don't issue demands, it is not your place to do so and won't do you any good in the long run.
At the same token you must not let him demand that you arrange your life around the way he can fit his affair (i.e. you) into whatever other commitments he has.
As a mistress we tend to have to be flexible, of course, or we will simply rarely get to spend time with him at all. But if you let him dictate the way you organize your life you will find yourself getting increasingly isolated, because you will be forever changing your own plans to fit in with whatever hour he may or may not be able to spare you.
Not only will your friends get increasingly less sympathetic when you cancel a long planned girl's evening out for the 4th time in a row just because he called round to see you at the last minute, you will also lose his respect sooner or later. What is constantly and readily available is not something that tends to be treasured and coveted long term.
Don't be a doormat. You have a life outside this affair (if you don't - Get one!)
When you ask a man what irritates him most about his relationships (past and present) chances are that often words like "whining, whinging, bickering, arguing and complaining" will feature quite prominently and high up on his list.
And when we apply that knowledge to the man we are having an affair with then we can safely hazard a guess that one of the things that he does not like about his marriage or main relationship is that his wife indulges in whining, whinging, bickering, complaining and/or arguing more than he finds pleasant or acceptable.
What draws a man to his mistress is that the things that upset him in his official life are conspicuous by their absence in their secondary relationship. His Other Woman is his way to escape all the negative aspects of his marriage when he is with her.
So it does not take Einstein to figure out that any Other Woman who displays the very behavior that irritates him about his wife is heading for trouble. If he is subjected to the same kind of hassle when he is with her as he is escaping from to her in the first place, what possible incentive has he got to be with the Other Woman?
Yes, obviously she may possibly be younger, prettier, better at sex and more interesting than his wife, but whether he will admit or even realize it himself, eventually he will not want to continue an affair that adds to the negative aspects of his life rather than providing a welcome escape from them.
It would appear to be unfair to expect the Other Woman to be constantly on her best behavior. No, let me correct that - It is unfair. But frankly it isn't actually about being on one's best behavior, it is about accepting which kind of behavior is likely to be both pointless and damaging to the affair.
Let's face it, the majority of arguments between a married man and his Other Woman are to do with communication, the amount of time he spends with her, the frequency and quality of contact and the dreaded "Why don't you leave your wife" question.
Usually, when we get into a relationship with a married man we know he is a married man. We do, at least theoretically, understand that this means limited contact (almost always less than we would like), and the fact he goes home to his wife after spending whatever time he has found to spend with us.
So we would do well to remember those facts of life as the affair continues. There is a great temptation to rearrange things in our own minds in such a way that we actually think the affair is a transition towards a proper permanent relationship, or even that the affair is, in fact, a proper permanent relationship.
Once we start judging it against those criteria rather than as what it is (an affair) we can easily become discontented because judged by the wrong criteria the affair suddenly falls short of our expectations.
The more discontented we become the more likely we are to start bickering and causing scenes. We start to expect more time to be spent with us, we ask him to leave his wife, we may cry, we may threaten to end the affair, and generally behave in a manner that is unlikely to make him want to spend more time with us because more and more of the precious time spent with us is ruined (for both) by arguments and tearful episodes.
If we can keep a tighter grip on our view of the whole affair, accepting that, at least for the time being and possibly for the duration of its existence, this is an affair, we can avoid spilling out our disappointment over what is actually exactly what we entered into willingly in the first place.
This does not, of course, mean we should be a doormat, or should allow any man, married or otherwise, to treat us with less respect than we deserve.
But constant complaining about the situation we have actually chosen to be in ourselves will not change that situation for the better.
No man has ever been nagged into wanting to be with someone.
No man with any sense will want to be with someone who is constantly complaining and crying over things he doesn't feel he has an awful lot of control over.
Why on earth would any man leave one hasslesome and unsatisfactory relationship for another equally hasslesome one, especially when doing so comes at such a high price as divorce, financial disadvantages, getting estranged from his children, losing his home and more than likely a number of his friends.
If we want a man to feel that all those sacrifices are worthwhile then we have to be a worthwhile alternative to what we want him to give up.
We can effectively avoid ruining a perfectly good affair if we keep an iron grip on our own acceptance that it is an affair, and remind ourselves periodically of all the reasons why we love being with that man.
We went into the affair for some pretty powerful reasons, did we not? Let's face it, no woman in her right mind would start an affair with a married man for anything less than what did, at the time, look like pretty compelling reasons. So why can't we just try and stay in the affair for those reasons, and enjoy it for what it is for now?
If at any point we come to the conclusion that it is no longer what we want, we are totally within our rights to walk away. No, that's not an easy option obviously, but the cold hard truth is that we won't make things any more to our liking by ruining what little time we get with him.
By not spoiling things we may, accidentally or by design (depending on how devious we actually are) get just what we want, without any of the fights, eventually.
If you still can't quite wrap your head around this you could try a little mental game:
Imagine you are a married man. Your marriage is not good but it's still bearable enough for you to hang on to it for various reasons. And you have a mistress, and occasionally you wonder if maybe leaving your wife and being with the Other Woman would make your life much better in the long run.
Then imagine two types of Other Women, one who is fun to be with, who listens to you, who you feel a close and deep connection with, who supports you and loves you and who makes every meeting special just as you do for her. Or the other version, the one who wastes much of what little time you manage to spend with her complaining, who cries a lot, and demands things you don't feel you can give her right at this moment in your life.
Now ask yourself: Which is the woman you (when you put yourself in the shoes of that married man) are more likely to want to spend as much time with as you can, and which is the woman you might eventually want to leave your wife for?
Need I say more?
Hand on heart: If you are having an affair and would quite like it to be a little more than "just that" you have probably thought about how it would be if he left her. And once you allow your thoughts to travel that far you may also have toyed with the thought of what would happen if his wife found out about you.
You may even have touched on the purely hypothetical possibility of helping things along a little. As long as you did not go any further than that such thoughts are a little disturbing, but no harm has been done. Don't, however, seriously contemplate actually doing anything along those lines.
If you don't take anything else in this book to heart: This bit is absolutely vitally important if you want to spend the rest of your life looking at yourself in the mirror with a shred of genuine self respect.
You must never, under any circumstances, force the issue and tread loose an avalanche of disaster which, once moving, can not be controlled or directed, and will completely mess up the life of everyone in its path.
In fact you have to take my word for it that it will not and can not and absolute never will have an outcome you could possibly want.
There are four possible outcomes to doing such a thing:
1) His wife goes ballistic, kicks him out, and you end up with him. (This is, surprisingly, by far the least likely outcome of "D-day.")
2) His wife declares war on you and won't dream of giving him up, gives him hell instead and he crawls back under the marital duvet and would rather jump off a bridge than go anywhere near you ever again.
3) Either of the above, and after a while, if and when the dust has settled, he and you resume your affair. But the trust is broken between the two of you.
4) His wife and him split up or stay together, but you will no longer feature in their lives because he won't have anything what-so-ever to do with a woman who acts like that.
Whichever way it goes, you will lose out. If you can't bear to let things carry on as they are then you have to draw a line and split up with him. But don't try to change matters by wreaking havoc in such a manner.
If he decides that he can no longer live a lie, and that he wants to spend his life with you and not with his wife, then it is up to him to bring about the changes necessary to make that happen. If he does not want to do that, or can't bring himself to take that step, then you have the choice to leave things as they are or walk away.
Forcing the issue is not an option, it is not your place to do so and you will not achieve your dream of long term happiness with the man you love by doing so. Just believe me. It is not going to work out the way you would want to.
Apart from the fact that forcing his hand will not endear you to him in carefully estimated 99.9% of all cases; you will most likely not achieve your goal anyway. Yes, you may end up with him that way if his wife kicks him out, dirty socks et al, but do you really want to end up with him by default?
At times the need and dream of "having him" to yourself at long last can be overwhelming. But a relationship wants to be built on a mutual desire and decision to be together, "mutual" being the operative word here....
Quite apart from the fact that his wife will probably decide to fight for him, and not be even dreaming of letting you have him, do you really think you can be happy when you have to wonder if he had ever left the safe harbor of his marriage under his own steam if you had not forced matters?
Maybe at moments of real unhappiness you might think it won't matter how you end up with him as long as you finally do. But trust me: This is not the way you will end up with him and even if you did, your chances of lasting happiness are diminishingly small if you brought on the end of his marriage in such a way.
Are none of your business!
However tempting it may be: As his mistress you should stay away from his "other" life.
This is imperative for two vital reasons: The first and most important is that you should stay as far away from them as possible for their sake. No wife deserves her husband's mistress loitering around the corner, stalking her in the supermarket or driving slowly past her home at night. She may not know about it, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Watching his children come out of school from across the street is not the act of a loving woman who wants to be close to the man she adores, it is borderline psychotic. Stay away!
Of course you also risk your own peace of mind if you let yourself get too interested.
If you accept that he has a life of which you are no part, and never will be, and then file that information away in one drawer of your mind that remains firmly shut at all times you stand a much better chance of them affecting you as little as it possible under the circumstances.
You don't really want to know what his wife looks like, how she moves, speaks, cooks, or, god forbid, makes love to him. You don't really want to know what their garden looks like, how they have decorated the toilet or what beautiful flower arrangements she puts on the table. Let these images invade your mind too much and you'll drive yourself crazy!
If you can make her that shadowy vague persona that has a bearing on your life by being his wife, but who does not directly affect you, it is more likely that you manage to live with yourself and what you are doing in the long run.
In the cold light of day she is nothing to do with you. Unless she is a friend (in which case - shame on you) you do not really owe her anything, you are not the one who is breaking the promises made to her, you are not the one lying to her or cheating on her. She is his wife and therefore his responsibility, the only responsibility you have is to ensure that she does not find out about you because of something you do.
Don't look at photos of her, don't ask about her, and if he mentions her tell him you don't want to hear anything about it. Chances are that what he tells you about his wife will be a heavily edited version of the truth by definition anyway, so why subject yourself to it? You are not a masochist!
You might say (with some justification) that pretending his wife does not exist is nothing more than a cheap coping mechanism, but you are in a situation where frankly any coping mechanism is a good coping mechanism provided you don't actually delude yourself into really thinking that somehow "she" doesn't actually exist. It is one thing to avoid thoughts, facts and images which will serve no purpose other than to give you sleepless nights, and quite another to live in cloud-cuckoo-land. As in so many other respects of having an affair the balance to be struck is your responsibility.
So, accept that he has a wife and that the roles are divided up in the age-old way of adultery - her - the wife, nothing to do with you - and you, the mistress, nothing to do with her as long as she doesn't find out about you.
If, of course, she DOES find out about you you'll be facing the reality of her sooner than you'd planned in one way or the other, but that is a bridge you can cross if ever you come to it.
I suppose the one advantage of at least knowing what she looks like is so you can avoid opening the door to her should she pitch up on your doorstep one day with steam coming out of her ears.
Should you be unlucky enough to have to encounter her more or less frequently because you and her have common friends, or because she accompanies her husband to business functions you also have to attend, your situation gets considerably more complicated. You can no longer pretend she doesn't exist in your life, and if you are unlucky you have to watch them together as a couple.
You should avoid situations like this if you can, for your own sake as much as anything else, because she is probably no fool. Unless you are an accomplished actress she may, if she has any sensitivity at all, notice that you are behaving somewhat oddly around her. Underestimate a wife's ability to pick up vibes, from her husband or from you, at your peril.
Should you find yourself in the unenviable position of having to spend time with them because circumstances beyond your control force you to do so, keep any direct contact between the three of you to a minimum without making it too obvious.
Being seen to avoid someone can be as much of a give-away as following them around like a lovesick puppy. I recently watched two people who had always greeted each other with a broad smile and a peck on the cheek suddenly behave as if they barely know each other. They had started having an affair. If it was that clear to me then it will be clear to others too, so beware!
So if he is, for example, a colleague and you are both at the same business occasion, greet him like you would any other colleague and then make your excuses with a smile and find someone you really have to speak to. Don't stare at them over dinner, but don't avoid him like the plague either. It's a difficult balancing act and once you have mastered this bit you truly are entering the advanced levels of "Being The Other Woman!"
There is only one situation where you actually must pay close attention to his wife, and that is when she has found out about you and comes to confront you.
This is, of course, a nightmare scenario you will have done your level best to avoid ever happening.
First of all, do not enter into an argument with her. You will not win this, as she has the moral high-ground by definition! You have wronged her, not the other way round, and she has every right in the world to be very, very angry with you.
Don't give her any excuses! "But it just happened" will calm her down no more than "We could not help ourselves." There is no explanation, no reasoning, really nothing what-so-ever you can say that will make any difference to her. Blaming him may temporarily deflect her anger but isn't the solution either.
Horrible as it is, the only thing you can really do in this most unpleasant of all possible scenarios is to let her have her say, she deserves it! Obviously you don't have to let her go over the top, and you should protect yourself in the unlikely event that she might get physical, but when you started an affair with her husband you must have known that this situation could, one day, arise. Bear it with whatever dignity you can muster, and if it makes her feel better to call you every name under the sun then just take it on the chin....
Don't enter into a discussion with her, and whatever you do, don't volunteer any details of your affair or reasons why you think he was cheating on her in the first place. You may believe that his marriage was really bad, or over in all but name before he even met you. You may have been led to believe that she is cold, or doesn't understand him (yes, that old chestnut), but you can not possibly say these things to her without putting yourself into an even more indefensible position than you are in already.
Really the only thing you should say to her is "Please discuss this with your husband." No more.
Once you have been found out and you have been confronted about it by her (poor you...) it would be a wise idea to let things calm down. What happens next is now out of your hands to a very large degree, don't throw fuel into the fire by calling him or getting in touch with him, he will get in touch with you when he can. If he doesn't you know that your affair has come to an abrupt (and at least temporary) end.
Surprisingly maybe, affairs tend to not die after the first or even often the second time they are discovered. Usually a period of silence follows the initial shock, then the wayward husband tends to start contacting his Other Woman again, and more often than not the affair starts all over again.
However, generally things are never quite the same again. Everyone involved is on their toes, the wife is more suspicious, the husband more nervous, and The Other Woman catches herself wondering if it's all worth it more and more frequently.
There are events in life that we dread, and which tend to turn out to be not anywhere near as bad as we feared they would be when they actually happen.
With "Discovery Day" the opposite is usually the case. Whatever the Other Woman imagined, it's probably going to be worse.
A great many Other Women either consciously wish for D-Day to come (the least wise will even tempt fate and actively contribute to it) or adopt a "what will be will be" attitude to it. Usually because they want the whole thing over and done with, decided once and for all, with the decision taken out of their own hands.
Most become sick of the secrecy at some point, and the worry that the wife might find out about the affair. So D-Day seems, at first glance and unburdened by experience, a way to end that state of affairs (if you pardon the pun), once and for all. Other Women who have been through a D-Day or two in their lifetime tend to avoid them like the plague, because they have learned the hard way that it falls most firmly under the heading "Most stressful things that can happen to a woman in a lifetime."
Those who are yet to go through a D-Day tend to fall into one of three main categories:
Some believe that D-Day will be their gate to eternal happiness with the married man they love, because his wife will turf him out. Others think that it will cause such a storm that the marriage, which in the eyes of the mistress must have been teetering on the brink of breaking up anyway, will be pushed over the edge and therefore end for good.
Then we have the Other Women who are so sick and tired of hanging in limbo that they wish for a D-Day just to bring about some decision they themselves are unable to make. They are well aware that the result of D-Day could swing either way, but at least it would swing one way or the other and they are usually in an emotional place where anything that takes the decision and need for action out of their own hands appears to be a relief.
Lastly we have Other Women who are not (yet or ever) in a position where they would actually want their married man turning up on their doorstep clutching a bag of hastily packed essentials. Not because they don't love him, but because they are realistic enough to know that at this particular stage of their life and taking into consideration all aspects it would not or could not work out (yet or essentially ever).
Women who fall more or less into the first category are likely to be in for the greatest shock. They are in for that shock because contrary to their expectation the outcome of D-Day is unlikely to be the situation they expect. They tend to be surprised to find themselves cut off from all communication, and learn that rather than turfing him out or letting him go, the wife will take control of the situation, dig in deep and not dream of giving up her husband, her marriage and, let's face it, life as she knows it, to some more or less unknown Other Woman. She will occupy the moral high ground and occupy it well, and if she is smart she will occupy it in such a way that the Other Woman becomes the Ex Other Woman faster than she can say "But I thought..." at least temporarily.
Unfortunately this is the point where a great many cheating men suddenly realize what they stand to lose and try everything to save their marriage. Whatever they may have said to their Other Woman prior to being caught, and regardless of whether they may or may not have meant it at the time of saying it, when the chips are down and the shit truly hits the fan most will do whatever it takes to pacify the wife and hang on to their life, their wife, their marriage and their status quo. In real terms this means they will agree to whatever demands their wives will make, the first and most significant from the Other Woman's point of view being "You will promise never to see "that woman" ever again."
And promise they do ....
He will also most likely tell his wife that you meant nothing, that it was only sex, that you seduced him, that he was drunk.... He will cut both the duration and the significance of the affair down to the very bare minimum he can get away with, beg forgiveness, promise to never ever do it again, and agree to whatever terms his wife may think of.
At that stage the Other Women will probably be cut out of all communication, and will only be told that she should not contact him "for the time being" and that he and his wife need to "work things out." She may be asked to support his story regarding the length of their affair and frequency of meetings, and be asked to lie low, either "until the storm has blown over" or permanently. The fact that the majority of affairs tend to be rekindled a while after D-Day is little consolation. Many are dead and buried that way, and even those that are revived are never the same again, as their status quo has changed. Suddenly the Other Woman has seen clearly what role she plays in her married man's life and which way his choice will fall when it comes to the crunch.
Women often wish for a D-Day for the main reason that they want "something" to happen to bring about an end to being suspended a state of limbo. Often they are incapable or unwilling to bring about that change by taking control of the situation (in other words ending the affair under their own steam) and can wind up actually relieved that events beyond their direct control have taken the matter out of their hands. These women stand a reasonably good chance of moving on with their own lives after finding that the men they had fallen in love with have turned their backs on them and stayed in the happy home. They are often the least likely to be enticed back into the ring for a second round of adultery with the same man.
The woman who does not actually actively want or wishes for her married lover to leave his wife (now or ever) is the one who tries her hardest to avoid D-Day as she neither wishes to wind up with him as a full time commitment nor wants the affair to end. Contrary to popular belief not every Other Woman lives the dream of everlasting coupledom with her married man. Many can and do see the affair as something that fulfills a need, both emotionally and sexually, without necessarily having to "lead somewhere." In other words, they enjoy the affair for what it is, with all its highs and lows, and don't want any drama to mess up what they have. They certainly don't want the drama of a D-Day as they won't gain anything from it, and are in a lose-lose situation if it does happen.
Like most events that have the power to really mess up our life, D-days have a nasty habit of hitting us when we are least prepared and when they are most inconvenient. Murphy's Law applies to D-days quite spectacularly. Of course once you understand the true ramifications of D-Day you also understand that there is rarely, if ever, a "good time" to have a D-day. Just as there is never a good time to be run over by a bus or struck by lightning. Once you have been through a typical, or, heaven help you, particularly nasty D-day you may wish you'd been run over by a bus or struck by lightening instead. Hell, even both at the same time might have been preferable! The fact is, the longer your affair goes on the greater your chances of it creeping up on you sooner or later become, so it pays to be prepared.
Don't, whatever you do, even as much as dream of bringing on D-Day either deliberately or recklessly in the vain hope that it will change your situation for the better. It is most unlikely to do any such thing, and you may find yourself all alone and despised by both your lover and his wife. His wife will despise you for sleeping with her husband and he may well despise you for taking a decision that should, rightfully or at least in his own mind, have been his to take as after all it is his wife, his marriage, and his situation.
We will assume that you did not take matters into your own hand and that you have woken up on D-Day quite unaware of the drama that is about to descend upon your life. What can have been done prior to the event to lessen the destructive impact it will have on all concerned?
At some point, preferably before it is needed, you and your lover should discuss what will happen if the shit hits the fan. It is not the most romantic or cheerful conversation you can possibly have with your married man, and should be kept both short and confined to a "suitable moment" - but it is a conversation that can save much hassle and heartache all round.
Between the two of you, you should play through what would happen if his wife finds out about the affair. You should agree what he will tell her and what you, if you wind up unlucky enough to be confronted by his wife, should be confirming or denying.
In general you should agree that any conversation between his wife and yourself should consist purely of the sentence: "Please discuss this with your husband!"
This does make you an accomplice in his betrayal and duplicity, granted. It also means that you are agreeing in advance to being cast in a role you almost certainly do not want to assume.
The standard set of lies and half truths in such a situation involve the length of the affair being cut down to the shortest starting point his wife will swallow. It is unfortunately also standard D-day procedure to cast you in the role of an insignificant sexual encounter that was initiated by you and of which your married lover was merely a more or less reluctant but powerless participant. Not every woman can handle being cast in that role but if you have discussed it prior to D-day it will be so much easier to bear than if it comes as a shock after the event.
You may find yourself confronted by his wife, in person or remotely (telephone or e-mail.) Both are bad, but if she does confront you it pays to be prepared. Do not, whatever you do, whatever your instincts may tell you, however hurt or angry or disappointed you are, and whatever he may have told you about her prior to D-day, allow yourself to be dragged into an argument or fight with her.
Again, if at all possible you should just say "Please discuss this with your husband" and stick to that.
No matter how she behaves, you absolutely must stay calm. Protect yourself against her becoming physical (unlikely but obviously it has been known to happen) and stick to the story you and he have previously agreed upon (if for some reason the sensible "Please discuss this with your husband!" bit doesn't suffice)
Don't justify your affair to her, there is no justification. Do not try and explain why it happened (there is no point and it's not your place to offer explanations) and do not apologize (she won't want to hear it... at least not at this stage).
If you can, just take what she is saying on the chin, however hurtful it is. She may have the need to vent and you owe her that much, at least.
Let her have her say, confirm the story you and he had agreed upon previously, add as little as possible to the conversation (such as is) and extricate yourself from the situation completely as fast as you possibly can.
Keep your dignity, do not cry, do not argue with her, do not get angry with her. Like it or not she occupies the moral high ground so comprehensively that there is nothing you can do other than get through the confrontation as unharmed as possible and walk away from it (physically and metaphorically speaking) with your head held high.
You should expect a period of No Contact, the duration of which varies from affair to affair, and generally lasts between just a few days and several weeks, sometimes several months.
Usually the married man will get in touch with his Other Woman in due course after D-day, and more often than not the affair does not end there. Some Other Women I have spoken to have "survived" several D-Days, and every time their affair started up again once the initial storm has blown over.
Personally I find it hard to believe that a wife could catch her husband cheating several times, especially with the same Other Woman, and still stay in the marriage. But much to my surprise this seems to be the case more often than not.
Obviously without having ever (as far as I know) been cast in the role of the betrayed wife it is hard to say what I would do in her situation.
This is the question that seems to be at the root of most problems between the majority of "Other Women" and their married partner. It is the cause of most break-ups, and the main thorn in the side of affairs the world over.
If I could erase it from the collective mind of Other Women, including my own, I would. It is a toxic question, a pointless one and must be controlled, if it can not be eradicated, at all costs.
Firstly the fact is that the vast majority of married men who find themselves entangled in a relationship with another woman will, when it comes to the crunch, not leave. I have looked at the statistics, and they looked back at me. Dozens of sets of statistics, all basically saying the same thing, with variations depending on the country of origin and the parameters used to compile them. Although I quite frankly doubt that only well under a handful out of a hundred married men who are involved with another woman actually do leave their wife, the percentage of those who do is still very small, and even if you are a hopeful type who enjoys gambling against the odds, in this particular game they are very clearly stacked against you. No matter what he says and promises, and regardless of whether he honestly and truly believes that he is going to walk out of his marriage to seek eternal bliss in your arms eventually: When it actually comes to the crunch chances are he can't or won't be able to go through with it. This does not make him a liar necessarily, the intention may well be there. But faced with the cold reality of stepping over the line between planning and promising and actually doing it, most will take one last look at what they may fully intend to leave behind, and then back away, either until "a better time" comes along (which rarely actually does) or permanently.
Secondly it is a question which is based on a serious, relationship threatening, and completely false premise:
That anyone should ever leave anybody for someone else. People do not and should not leave one partner for another. If there is any leaving to be done, then the one doing the leaving must do it for themselves, not anyone else. Ever. If a man leaves his wife and family in the belief that he is doing so for someone else it plants a seed for a big nasty dose of resentment, and at some point in the future this may be thrown straight back in the face of the person they allegedly left their former wife for.
Why men rarely leave their wife to be with the Other Woman regardless of what they say and regardless of whether they intend to, is one of the questions asked by Other Women the world over day-in day-out.
Men are statistically less likely to end any marriage than women. The majority of divorces and separations are initiated by wives for whatever reason. Men appear to have a greater willingness to stay in a bad marriage than women, and seek relief from the situation outside the home by either throwing themselves into their work and hobbies, or by having an affair.
In many respects men have more to lose when they end a marriage than their wives. Even in this day and age the financial and social impact of a divorce is more burdensome on the husband than the wife. If they have children then chances are they will remain with their mother, thus restricting the man's access to them should he leave. His financial situation is most unlikely to improve if he leaves his wife, quite the opposite is generally true. In a worst case scenario it can be almost financial suicide to actually terminate the marriage. There may be a home and assets, there is almost certainly a social network that has been built up over the years by him and his wife. All in all there is generally a huge structure of which his marriage is the core and the essence.
He may, when he is with you, or when things are bad at home, say that he will leave his wife. He will probably, if he is an honest chap and worthy of your love, even mean it when he says it. But when push comes to shove, and he comes eye to eye with the reality of what leaving will actually mean, he will probably back away from the decision, deferring it to another day. He will ask you to be patient, to wait, and tell you that he is going to end his marriage, just not quite yet.
There will be explanations (I am deliberately and carefully avoiding the word "excuses" in this context) as to why it would be wise to wait, and why he can't do it "just yet." At that point the Other Woman often starts to push for a decision, and he promises to take action when "the time is right."
Generally the "explanations" are one or more of the following
1) The children (if any) need to be older
2) The house needs to be paid off in order to sort the finances.
3) His career needs to progress a bit so he can afford to leave his wife.
4) His family needs to be prepared slowly and carefully for the breakup of his marriage.
5) His wife needs to be in a better state of health / frame of mind or she won't cope.
6) His wife needs to get her career on track / back on track to make a separation financially viable.
As time goes by the "right time" never quite arrives, the Other Woman grows increasingly unhappy and impatient, the married man feels pressurized and starts resenting his mistress, she in turn starts picking fights over the issue, gets naggy or clingy, may issue ultimatums and ultimately the relationship gets more and more strained. At this junction of the road the affair may come to an end initiated by either party, or the Other Woman may accept that he will not leave his wife in the foreseeable future or ever, and continue the relationship on that revised basis.
Making the question of whether he will or won't leave his wife a central issue of our relationship with our married men is, frankly, the worst mistake we can possibly make. If the whole issue of anyone leaving anybody else could be taken right out of the equation then more Other Women would actually wind up seeing their married lover leave his marriage to be with them, not less, and the rest would have far happier, far more fulfilling relationships even if they do not end with a "and they lived together as man and wife happily ever after" scenario in the end.
The cold hard reality of the matter is that when we first start seeing a married man we know he is married. We know that the path we are taken is not the conventional route of courtship, dating, engagement, wedding followed by "happily ever after." He's married; we know that, we still start a relationship with them.
So why oh why can't women simply accept what they have, and what they have chosen, and enjoy it for what it is? A relationship that has its restrictions, undoubtedly, but is also usually one of the most intense and exciting relationships that we have ever had. The two facts are linked actually, and we have to be careful to guard our hearts against mistaking the heady mix of secrecy, adrenaline and lust, spiced up with a bit of guilt and a dose of "naughty" for the basis of a solid normal relationship.
There are many, many very happy women who are in relationships with married men for years. Sometimes a lifetime. They tend to have one thing in common, those "Happy Other Women!" They are either not waiting for, or have given up waiting for their lovers to leave their wives. They have accepted things as they are and are living their relationships to the full, within the confines of what they are. A separate entity, in its own right, with its own rules, advantages and disadvantages.
They are not wasting what could be a wonderful love affair (it is not called a "love" affair entirely without justification) by making it a mere state of limbo on the path of what they really want.
If you want a relationship that is free of the constraints that an affair brings, and that has half-decent odds of bringing you into the imagined haven of married bliss, then don't pick a married man to give you that. It may get you there, but that's not the most likely outcome.
If you don't want to waste weeks, months or years staying in a relationship that isn't what you want, however much you may love the man, then get the hell out of an affair with a married man. It's not for you.
But - if you love that man enough, and if you can see yourself wanting to carry on loving him for the foreseeable future, then put the whole concept of "Will he leave his wife for me?" either completely out of, or at least right to the back of your mind.
It has got to be worth it for you as it is: A love affair, no more but certainly no less, or you will be heading for inevitable pain, disappointment and resentment somewhere along the way.
There is little to nothing you can do about his marital status, so you have some choices: You can accept it and make it the best relationship you can, and see where it leads you, making the journey the goal. Or you can end it and find a man who is at least in the position to give you what you desire.
If you can't control or change the situation you have chosen (!) to be in, you can at least try to change and control your attitude to it. If you believe that the only acceptable outcome of your affair is to end up with that man leaving his wife and setting up a new life with you, you will poison what you have and should seriously consider ending it to spare both of you what will most likely happen.
But if you are willing to give the two of you a chance of happiness and your love affair a chance of succeeding as what it is, you could be in for the love affair of your life. Something that you can, one day, look back upon with affection and love and a sense of "It was worth it." And who knows, the less you expect him to leave his wife the less likely you are to put pressure on him. The happier you are in your relationship as it is, and the more you appreciate it, the more likely you are to be a woman that he will love, and want to be with. And you might just find that by giving up the quest for becoming "The" Woman in his life rather than "The Other Woman" you could be facilitating just that.
He might just leave his wife, and you might just make it as a "regular couple," and you might just end up where you saw yourself at the beginning of that journey. But don't ruin the journey by making this issue the be-all and end-all of it. Because whatever the outcome may be, the time between the beginning and the outcome will be what you'll remember in years to come, and it would be horrendously bitter to judge it all "wasted" just because, try as you might, you couldn't beat the odds, and ruined what little chance you may have had of doing so by trying just too hard.
All too many Other Women spend a lot of time, energy and emotion on trying to work out how they could make the man they are involved with leave his wife.
I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing we can do to make a man leave his wife. It's something he needs to want to do, something he needs to need to do, for himself, first and foremost.
There are men who will leave their wife, and there are men, who, despite their promises and despite probably even believing that they will do it, never ever will.
Women are much more ready, strangely, to leave a bad relationship, either to be with someone else or just to be out of a relationship they no longer wish to be in. Far more women initiate divorce proceedings than men, and far more women are the ones to say "Enough is enough, I want and need to get out of this."
Men are more reluctant to get out of even a bad relationship, and close their eyes to reality far more. Men are also more given to procrastination when it comes to relationships.
The realization that there is nothing we can do to make them take that step is a bitter pill to swallow. But the sooner we swallow it the sooner we can move on - either within the framework of what we have, or away from it completely.
Having said that, it is also my absolute firm belief that whilst we can not make him leave, there are 1000 and 1 things Other Women can do, and do do, that effectively prevent him from leaving.
The statistics which predict that only 3% of married men leave their wife and end up happily and permanently attached to the woman who was the Other Woman, do not mean that only 3 % belong to the type that leaves and 97% belong to the type that does not.
It means that there are a lot of women out there who effectively prevent their married lover from doing the very thing they desire. In other words, amongst those alleged 97 % that see their dreams of "happily ever after" or at least "happily for the foreseeable future" shattered are a good few who tried to "make" their married lover leave his wife, and, in going about it the wrong way, effective blew it.
To understand what may make him leave we first need to understand what made him start an affair in the first place. What was it that drew him to the woman he is having the affair with? And what is it about her, about her behavior, about how she makes him feel when he is with her, that is in such stark contrast to the relationship he has with his wife?
More often than not it is not the obvious, i.e. sex and beauty (they may have ignited the initial spark, but they will not, by themselves, keep the fire burning). The Other Women will probably have shown him that she adores him, that he is fun, will have been fun to be with.
At home there may have been friction, arguments over domestic matters, unhappiness blamed on him, nagging, hurtful remarks, and demands on him he may resent and find hard to fulfill.
So when, after a while, his Other Woman begins to display similar behavior to that which made him turn away from his wife, his choice becomes much simpler!
He stands between two situations, and he is being pushed to choose: One he does not have to get proactive about, which may not be a very happy situation but at least it is one he is secure in, knows and understands. There are aspects that make him unhappy, such as the atmosphere, the lack of affection and respect, and the nagging, whining, and the demands.
The other is the great unknown, which would require major upheaval to be chosen, and, also has aspects which cause him unhappiness, ironically very similar to the ones which pushed him away from his wife.
Confronted with two situations that cause him unhappiness as a choice, our average man will do one of two things, he will either just let things be as they are until one or the other situation resolves itself (the Other Woman will get fed up with waiting and end the relationship) or he will choose "the devil he knows." In other words he will stay in his marriage as the alternative is both too hard to choose and not tempting enough to do so, since it has acquired many of the negative factors of his existing life anyway.
During the many, many conversations I have had with both Other Women and men who had affairs, those who left their wives and those who did not, the overwhelming majority of "happy ends" as desired by "The Other Woman" came about without any pressure, and usually relatively unexpected. The women who did end up with their married lover and are still together some time after the event stayed well clear of excessive demands, neediness, and ultimatums. Whether they did so deliberately or subconsciously, it worked for them. As a matter of fact, it worked, for me, as well.
The easiest way to understand this is by removing oneself from one's own situation and looking at the whole concept with a bit of distant realism: Given the choice between an unhappy situation and an unhappy situation - which will the average human being choose? The unhappy one he's already in. Why go through the emotional hell of a separation to end up with something not that dissimilar to what's already been proven not to work? What exactly would be the incentive?
However, given the choice between an unhappy and a happy situation, the incentive to choose the happy situation is at least clear.
Even then there are many men who will never leave their wives, especially when there are children involved. They may say that they will, and more often than not they will honestly believe it when they say it. But when push comes to shove they can't bring themselves to do it. And these men may be in the majority.
However, the rest of the men who, despite declarations of intent, never leave their wives are the ones who might well have taken that step, and may have sacrificed their marriage for a new life for themselves, on the side of the Other Woman.
But the Other Woman blew it, simply by making his choices less easy. Or easy... depending on how you look at it. The idea that "love will conquer all" is all fine and dandy, but the reality is that such an enormous decision as throwing away a marriage and going through the emotional upheaval and financial implications of a divorce needs a hell of a good incentive to come about.
Sadly (or luckily, again depending on how one looks at the whole scenario), there are no tricks to entice a man to leave. There are no methods, no strategies. Not active ones, anyway. But whilst we can not make him leave, we can try not to blow it.
We can try and offer him the kind of situation that he will find easier to choose over the one he is in.
It's not easy, but then we did not end up in a relationship with a married man because we treasure the easy life. It's a choice we made and one we can live with or get the hell out.
If this man is really the one you want by your side all the time, accept that you can't do a thing to make him walk away from the life he already has. Other than making his choice a clear, and pleasant, one. And you can control the urge to go and blow it completely by trying to force his hand. Just bear that in mind whenever the urge to pick a fight over anything with him overcomes you. Look at his choices, and understand how you can influence them.
Do not being one of the many women who blow their chances.
This is so very much not a "How to make a married man leave his wife" book. Because we can not make anyone leave his wife if that isn't what he decides to do.
However, we can avoid actually preventing him from doing so very effectively. The behavior that spoils a perfectly good affair is the same that blows our chances of him ever leaving.
While we are on the general subject of "leaving": It may or may not come as a bit of a reassurance that again statistically he is very unlikely to leave us as well.
Provided his wife does not find out about us (this being another reason why we should do everything within our power to make sure she does not) and provided we don't actually blow it chances are he will not leave us any more than he will leave his wife.
It is probably even more likely that he will leave his wife than us, actually. I can not recall a single "Other Woman - Married Man" relationship that was ended by the married man without compelling reason (ie D-Day or the Other Woman becoming a liability). Usually the Other Woman pulls the plug.
First we should take a look at that often uttered sentence "He left his wife for another woman!"
Chances are, when a man leaves his wife he does not do so "for someone else," he does it for himself. This is an important concept to understand, as understanding it fully will have a significant effect on the chance of you two making it as a "normal" couple.
If he left her and is now with you he must have done it for himself, not for you, and not "against" his wife.
It has been mentioned again and again throughout this book that the chance of him ever leaving his wife to start a new life with his Other Woman are pretty small. The odds are stacked against it happening any time soon, and they are, to be honest, stacked against it happening, full stop.
We have discussed how we can cope with that fact and how it should not let us ruin what we do have, that we can have a wonderful love affair with a man whom we adore and who loves us too if we're lucky. We've looked at how we should live for the here and now, and put the question of anyone leaving anybody else for us right out of, or at least to the very back of our minds.
But... the fact is that however stacked against us the odds may be, and however we should not let the thought rule our mind or the day to day reality of the relationship, we may just find ourselves in the position that life says "Boo to you" to the odds, and we end up in a situation where he does, actually, leave his wife with the clear and unwavering intention of spending the rest of his life, or at least the foreseeable future, with us.
And by not expecting it and not making an issue out of the whole "leaving wife" question we may, more or less accidentally and as a welcome side-effect, have facilitated it actually happening after all.
Amongst the many ladies I have spoken to during the research for this book, the vast majority of those who did end up becoming the sole partners and even wives of their formerly married men were women who did not expect it to happen, and if they did they never pushed the issue with him. They were, by and large, "happy with things as they were" and often mightily surprised (not to say positively shocked in some cases), when they suddenly found themselves in a situation that they didn't expect. Speaking to men who have left their wives to be with their Other Women the same story unfolded again and again - they were left in peace to take that step without any pressure, in the secure knowledge that their Other Woman was supportive and loved them - but was not spoiling things by pushing and issuing ultimatums.
So, what if the odds roll over and die, and you get what you (may or may not have) wished for: His marriage has come to an end either amicably or less so, but it's over and you are suddenly faced with the reality of what was, during the past months or years, even decades, a vague possibility.
You may not believe it, but that is when things tend to actually get difficult. You might see yourself finally getting what you have always wanted, what you have longed for and fought for, and what you truly deserve, a chance to start a new life, in a proper normal relationship, with the man you have loved and wanted for so long.
The old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you might get it" is never more true than when a mistress gets what she thought she wanted - the man who was having an affair with her.
Depending on the circumstances which led to this new situation you should be prepared for the various scenarios which could develop as a result.
Mostly these fall into one of four main categories:
* She ends their marriage without actually finding out about you and him.
* She finds out about the affair and throws him out.
* He ends his marriage and moves to his own place.
* He ends his marriage and turns up on your doorstep with his suitcases.
Believe it or not, the best chances of you and he making it as a couple are afforded by scenarios 1 and 3. Then there is a large gap, followed by scenario 4, and the worst thing that can lead to the end of their marriage from your point of view is scenario number 2.
Why? Well, because he did not end up with you by choice, did not make a conscious decision that his marriage has run its course and that you are the woman he wants to spend his life with from now on. He was forced, the decision taken out of his hands and you wound up with him by default.
Scenario 2 will leave you wondering for the rest of the relationship's life if he would have chosen you given the chance, and if he would ever have made that step out of his own free will. These thoughts will probably not invade your conscious mind straight away, you are most likely too busy adjusting to, and possibly panicking over, the completely shifted situation you suddenly find yourself in. But trust me, these thoughts will creep up on you, and depending on your individual make-up they will invade your relationship at future times of discontent and can, if you let them, destroy it.
It won't reassure you if he says that he would have left her sooner or later anyway. You will have heard it all before and the cold hard fact of the matter is, he did not leave her, she got rid of him. You landed yourself with another woman's cast-off. Terrific, just what you always wanted.... Not.
In the middle of a passionate affair we tend to think that him leaving his wife would be the key to everlasting happiness and what we want. When a little voice of cold realism occasionally raises its head we usually try not to listen. The grass on the other side of the affair-fence just tends to look way too green.
However, this much longed for situation is, in itself, fraught with problems, and because we don't see them coming in our euphoric state, they tend to hit us harder than they should. So it's best to be prepared for them.
For starters it is unlikely that your married man has been able to extricate himself from his marriage entirely without regrets and sorrow, whatever he may be telling you and believing himself. Few marriages are so bad that their failing does not cause the leaving partner some remorse and a sense of loss and failure.
If he has children this will put further strain on the situation, as their pain will cause their father pain, and often the wife will, consciously or unconsciously, use the children as a weapon against her former husband and vice versa.
Your life will probably keep its usual base, but his will be turned upside down in almost every respect, and once the initial euphoria has subsided you may well ask yourself what you have got yourself into in much the same way as you did when you started the affair with him.
He will be going through the difficult process of separation and probably divorce, there will be fights with his wife, there will be the inevitable and often negative reaction from family and friends, he will have to deal with lawyers, try to limit the financial implications of his decision and face the question, probably every day, if he has done the right thing, made the right decision.
A man in an exceptional situation such as this is not the easiest creature to live with at the best of times. And in a situation where not only his entire life has been turned on its head, but your relationship has changed dramatically and beyond all recognition as well, it puts a strain on things that hits people all the harder because it comes as an unexpected extra burden rather than as part and parcel like the usual problems during a time of separation. It is not going to be an easy ride, and the way you both handle those initial months will determine if you make it or not. I have to tell you that again the statistics indicate that the odds of your relationship surviving would make even brave gamblers hesitate to put any money on it.
Essentially you don't really know each other the way most people do before they start a new life together. The way you met and the way your relationship has developed was within the framework of an affair and as such in a somewhat "surreal" setting. Much of the explosive emotional strength was born out of the secrecy and the adrenaline of doing something that would normally be considered wrong. You have probably seen carefully edited versions of each other, having limited time and therefore trying to each be at their best. The secrecy and the danger of the situation has created a strong bond, which now suddenly becomes fragile as the factors that have helped build it have fallen by the wayside.
You may look at each other and wonder what happened to the magic between you. At this point the strain can become simply too much for everyone, and he might be heading back home to give his marriage another chance having found the grass on the other side of the fence maybe greener, but nowhere near as palatable as he may have believed.
If you can make it through the first three or four months you'll probably start steering the whole boat into calmer waters, and how these initial months are approached by both of you will determine the chance you have of making it long term to a great extent.
However huge the temptation may be after all the waiting, it is generally best if he does not move out of the marital home and straight in with you. If it is financially feasible it is almost invariably a much better idea for him to get his own place for the time being.
This will give him a chance to regroup and settle into no longer being married. If he has children it will cause much less hassle than trying to get them used to Daddy moving out and Daddy having another partner all at the same time, and it will avoid enraging his wife any further than she may already be. In fact if she has not found out about your relationship by the time he has decided to leave it may be a good idea to spare her that particular bit of information. If you are, at a later stage, introduced to his family as the new woman at his side your reception is likely to be far more cordial than it could be if you are seen as the reason of the marriage breaking up.
Keeping your true relationship under wraps a little while longer will be beneficial all round in the long run. Assuming you are going to be a couple for years to come it will almost always make an easier and more comfortable story to tell people that you met when he left his wife, or that you were friends during his marriage and fell in love after the split. Most Other Women don't particularly relish the role they played - and to be cast back into it in the eyes of those around you isn't always the most pleasant experience. Some are rather upfront to the point of being proud of the way their relationship started, but they are in the minority. So wait and keep things on the slow burner for the time being, the rewards will hopefully be worth stretching your patience just that little bit further.
Yes, I know, you have waited patiently for so long (and however long it was, it will seem to have been "so" long) to get to this stage, and will be impatient to at last start that shiny longed for stage of you life and your relationship, but tread carefully. A little more patience now is certain to pay off in the long run, and improve your chances significantly.
You and he will need to get to know each other in a different way now. There are aspects of a relationship which simply can't be practiced during the course of even the longest standing affair. We can compare it to spending wonderful holidays at some destination of our dreams, and then actually going to live there. It is unlikely that there won't be the occasional moment of disillusionment, and a great deal of the magic and the excitement that fed the flames of the affair will die down as the more mundane facts of every day life seep in.
Some of the things that attracted you to each other within the confines of the affair can suddenly become irritants. This, along with the strain of unraveling his married life, heading for and through a divorce, and fighting over assets and access to the children can bring your relationship dangerously close to breaking point.
Stay out of the way of his wife, do not get dragged into any issues regarding his children, gather the last shreds of understanding and tolerance you can find within you when he seems to be unfair to you or becomes distant. You're nearly there now - bite back the desire to argue when it all becomes a little too much, and give the whole thing a chance to settle down before you evaluate your options. All the upheaval that will invariably follow his separation from his wife is another reason to try and not live together straight away. Your honeymoon phase as a proper couple deserves to have a far more pleasant framework, one in which you can rejoice in finally being together. You need a chance to get to know each other in this exciting new stage of your life unburdened from the initial fallout of his leaving.
All the above assumes that is marriage has ended because he has decided to end it, or because he and his wife have mutually, if not amicably, come to an understanding that it is best to go separate ways. There is, however, another scenario which comes with its very own set of problems, and that is when his wife has found out about your affair and has turfed him out, more or less against his will, as a result of your affair.
Even in the rather unlikely event that he seems initially almost relieved to have got out of it without actually having to be proactive about it, the fact that he did not choose his exit will have serious ramifications for your future together.
For starters he will automatically be cast in the role of the bad guy, his wife occupying the moral high ground in all but your eyes. If they have children they may well side with what they perceive, in the innocence of youth, as the injured party: Their mother. Family and friends may see things a little more objectively, but are again unlikely to be a great help at this stage until the dynamics of all the various friendships have been regrouped to take account of the new situation.
Whereas the above effects of him being unceremoniously chucked out of his marriage by a furious wife can be expected and even planned for, the way you yourself react to this unexpected turn of events may surprise you and create problems you had not anticipated.
It is one thing to end up with the man of your dreams because he made the decision to be with you and end his marriages to achieve that objective. To find that he has made no such decision, and to suddenly have another woman's cast-off turn up on your doorstep with no or little warning, clutching a suitcase with some hastily gathered essentials and a shocked look on his face, is another matter altogether.
Maybe you will be initially swept away with the excitement and joy of having him there, with you, finally. But as time goes on, and during the inevitable process of reality setting in, you may not be able to fight off some rather disconcerting questions.
As and when the first wave of events has washed over you, and you come up for breath long enough to survey the way your life has suddenly changed beyond all recognition, you will, sooner or later, have to look some nagging doubts in the eye and deal with them.
The most irksome question that will invade your mind is "Would he have ever left her if she had not kicked him to the curb?" - followed by its insidious little sibling "Did he choose me or am I still for all intents and purposes "The Other Woman" because the "real" one did not want him any more?"
Because by definition you ended up with him by default rather than by his own conscious choice. You will see the fact that you did, in fact, end up with him, as something less bright and shiny, not the great culmination of a love that has deserved to be and was wholeheartedly chosen by both of you. If that question keeps raising its head, and starts to hurt you, you need to bring it up and discuss it with him, hard as it may be.
If you swallow it time and time again and let it fester without addressing it, it could eventually poison your relationship. This stage of your life is going to be fraught with pitfalls that you can not influence or control anyway; it would be most unwise to allow factors you do have some degree of control over to spoil things for you.
Finally, there is one more stumbling block that may or may not become an issue in your relationship: Remember the famous quote from Sir James Goldsmith "When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy?" Yes? Well, you may well, at some point or the other, wonder if the leopard has changed his spots, or if he will cheat on you sooner or later just as he cheated on his wife with you when you were still having an affair.
There is no simple or obvious answer to that question. On one hand a man who has had an affair before is generally more likely to have another one.
However, the more difficult and fraught the end of his marriage was, the less likely he is to be tempted to go through the whole thing once again. And if you are smart and manage to carry at least some of the magic that made your affair such an overwhelming success over to your marriage / conventional relationship then he may not feel any need to seek it elsewhere.
You are, at this stage, in the advantageous position of knowing both sides, and you know how he behaves when he is having an affair. Hopefully you have not become complacent now that you "have him", and remember very clearly what led to the two of you getting together in the first place. You should stand a good chance of it not happening again, this time with you cast in the role of the betrayed wife.
And with everything you know now you might just be able to put a stop to it before things get out of hand in the event that he is heading towards another affair. Just never forget all you learned when you were his mistress, those lessons will come in most useful if you do become his next wife.
Some affairs are transformed, at some point, into relationships or, more rarely, friendships. Some last for months, years, or decades. In fact the one single fact that surprised me personally most during my research for this book was how many women were, or had been, in a relationship with a married man for as long as they have. Decades in some cases!
However, affairs, like marriages and other conventional relationships, can and do end. They end because they have reached their natural lifespan, and just fizzle out, or they end because one or the other participant decides, more or less reluctantly, to call it a day.
The reasons are as varied as those that lead to the demise of any other relationship, but there are a few factors which, more often than not, bring upon the end more frequently than others, and which are inherently connected to the fact that an affair is not, by definition, like any other relationship.
The man may decide that he can no longer cope with the secrecy and demands that the affair imposes upon him. Perhaps surprisingly this is the least likely way your affair will end. In the absence of a D-Day or truly awful behaviour by the Other Woman the married man very rarely ends the affair.
His wife may have found out about the affair and forced him to choose, and he may have chosen to stay put (this, incidentally, is usually the least permanent end, as most affairs which end because they were discovered, are revived once the dust in the marital home has settled).
The Other Woman may have come to the conclusion that she wants and needs things from a relationship that she can not and will not get from the married man she is involved with. She may well be sick and tired of waiting for him to make a decision, and decide that it is better to call it a day and find a man who can commit to her the way she wants.
The relationship may also simply have run its course, with one or both coming to the conclusion that it's just not what they want any more, and end that way.
However it ends, it will almost certainly be painful for both, and especially so for the Other Woman.
I did, right at the beginning of this book, say "It will end in tears, probably yours" - and that holds true especially where the end of the relationship is concerned.
Few relationships die quietly, of old age, in their sleep. They tend to have to be killed, by one or both of the people who were once so in love. And that is unlikely to be a painless or comfortable process. It's hard enough when a conventional relationship comes to an end, but coping with the end of an extramarital one is even harder.
When a conventional relationship or a marriage breaks down, both partners tend to be able to talk about it, will have some support system from family and friends already in place, someone to talk to, and a framework of experience from their own and other peoples' failed relationships to get direction from.
When her affair dies, the Other Woman tends to have comparatively little in the way of support.
By the very nature of the beast her family and friends will be far less supportive or sympathetic towards her - and if she has been a discreet person her nearest and dearest may not even know that she was ever involved with the man who has just broken her heart.
The bad news is: It's going to hurt, and it's probably going to hurt badly. For quite a while.
If we think about it logically there can be no all round "Happy End" to an affair. Someone is likely to get hurt whichever way the cookie crumbles. In the (admittedly rather less likely) event that he does leave his wife then the wife (and he himself to greater or lesser degree) will be hurt.
We really should be quite clear on the fact that someone will be hurt from the outset, so it doesn't come to hit us in the face unexpectedly when the inevitable happens.
The good news is that very few, if any, people die from broken hearts. It just sometimes feels like that would be the preferable outcome. And broken hearts heal, however unlikely it seems right in the middle of the pain. In time you will be ok, and you will find someone else, preferably someone who is free to be with you the way you want and deserve.
There are some ways to prepare for the end, cynical as that may seem, while things are still running their course more or less beautifully. It's the blows that hit us sideways and unprepared that wreak the most devastating havoc, so the wise Other Woman will look the end in the eye before it actually raises its ugly head, and put her support system in place so it is there to be grasped if or when needed.
If you have read this whole book, and taken at least some of the contents on board, you will not be hit by the end as unprepared and devoid of the structures that will help you pull through it.
You will have made sure that your entire life did not revolve around the man you have just broken up with. You will have looked after your existing friendships, and developed some new ones. You will have kept your hobbies going and made sure your career is running smoothly. All those things will help you fill the gap that is opening up with the demise of your affair.
Hopefully you will have one or two sympathetic friends whose shoulders will be available to cry on and who knew about the affair before it drew to an end.
A few words of warning though. However angry, hurt, furious and even desperate you may be over the breakup, you must not now lash out and try to revenge your broken heart.
This is most definitely not the time to cause him harm by making sure his wife finds out just what her husband has been up to.
It may be a natural reaction to at least contemplate such a deed (although I can honestly say it would not be in my own nature, but different people react differently). This is one temptation that must be resisted under all and any circumstances. Nothing will be gained by it, it would not make you feel any better (just trust me on that one), quite the opposite, and despite of what you may try to make yourself believe, it would not be an act of sisterly kindness but a vicious, nasty blow to someone's life who has already been the victim of your and his duplicity, albeit without actually suffering from it as she did not know.
The only way to make sure that one day you can look back at this episode of your life with your self-respect still intact is to walk away from the whole thing with your head held high and your pride, dented maybe, but intact.
Cry all you like, mourn the passing of what you had hoped would be the love of your life and what, quite possibly, was just that.
Cry for those broken dreams and shattered hopes and be angry that your future won't be as you had been led to believe, by him or your own imagination or both. But don't do anything that will make things so much worse than they already are (and yes, that is possible!) You would only regret it.
Go out, see your friends, have your hair done, take a holiday, find a new hobby, whatever it takes to fill the emotional holes that open up at the end of a relationship, whether it was you who ended it or the man you were involved with.
You may find solace in sharing your story and your pain with others in a similar situation; there are some very good forums on the internet which are specifically for Other Women and their issues. And just believe that you will come through this, eventually, stronger than before, and a little bit wiser. And having learned something from it all.
And if you have done it right you will, one day, look back at the whole affair and not regret it. For all the pain of the end you will not see it as a waste of time and emotions. You will see it as an episode of your life, a great love that, ultimately, was not to be, but that was wonderful while it lasted.
That is what I meant much earlier when I said:
"Make memories that count. One day those may well be all you are left with."
Having another affair (or two, or three....)
Most women who had an affair with a married man will, after it ended, be quite certain they won't go there again. They may change their mind when they meet the right man, but usually the end of an affair finds a woman quite certain that they will, from this day forward, stay as far away from married men as they possibly can
A great many men, having got away with an extramarital affair once, will stray again after that first affair has come to an end.
Why is that so? From the many conversations I had on the subject with men and women who have had affairs (note the plural) and women who were involved with married men the overwhelming impression is that men and women see the ended affair differently.
It would appear that women tend to think of it as something unique, something they "would not normally have done," and something that can't be replicated by just picking another married man.
They also have the choice of picking a single man as their next partner, whereas the married man can either return to the monogamy of his marriage or chose another woman to have an affair with.
Women also tend to remember very clearly and sometimes overwhelmingly the pain of the affair ending, rather than the good bits of the affair while it lasted.
Men, on the other hand, appear to remember and miss the good aspects, yet not always necessarily as much the person they experienced them with.
While women miss the person first and the "nuts and bolts" secondly, men frequently miss the actual affair more than the Other Woman themselves.
Men are also very aware of the fact that they "got away with it" (provided they did). They got away with it once, so it gets easier to start a second affair. They got away with it twice or even more often and every time starting another affair gets easier as the fear of getting caught and of the ramifications that would follow subsides.
That is how serial adulterers are made, by a process of getting away with it repeatedly.
Unfortunately men who have learned that they can have their cake and eat it over the course of several affairs are the least likely to ever actually leave their wives under their own steam. They have usually become complacent, and regardless of how much they may care about their mistress they have learned from experience that another one will come along should this affair fail for some reason.
This also means they are more likely to end an affair when it becomes too hasslesome. In fact the only type more likely to run for the hills at the first sign of trouble is the first time offender who did not actually "want" to have an affair, and is of an anxious disposition.
So why do women have another affair with a married man when really they remember all too clearly that it didn't work out the way they wanted the first time round?
Obviously some women are simply unlucky enough to fall in love with another man who is married. It could be argued that the first time it may have been an accident, but when they came across the choice for the second time they really should have known better.
But if we applied that logic to relationships in general people would only ever have one relationship, as the end of this might have told them that relationships in general don't work.
And hope springs eternal, despite the quote:
"Insanity is doing the same thing again, but expecting a different outcome"
I don't actually know if I subscribe to this quote, because often we have to do things a few times, each time learning how to do it better, before we get it right.
But is there a way to "get it right" when it comes to affairs? Are they not, by definition, wrong?
Yes, in many ways having an affair is wrong, and we are in no real doubt about the fact that they are.
But for many women, if they admit it to themselves or not, unavailable men can become a major magnet.
It is usually a combination of the sheer thrill of doing something that is forbidden, alongside an often unconscious unwillingness to really have a fully committed relationship.
Sometimes an affair simply fits into a certain stage of a woman's life. A woman may usually want a proper full-time relationship, but go through times when this simply wouldn't be what she wants or needs temporarily.
So by having another affair, hopefully with the pitfalls of the previous one still firmly in her mind, she can, put bluntly, have her cake and eat it. Much is said about men who have affairs being "cake-eaters," but frankly the concept of "having it all" does not just apply to the man. In fact the man has more to juggle, and ultimately more to lose, than the woman he is having an affair with.
My own situation is slightly different to many: My first affair was almost entirely very happy, there are no regrets and nothing that could really have implanted a "Never again" thought firmly into my consciousness. Maybe that is why I entered another one with comparatively few misgivings.
I am slowly but surely learning about some of the pitfalls I missed out on first time round, but I still can not bring myself to regret it. The last word has not been spoken though and I may find much to regret about it if and when it comes to an end.
But for the time being I am a happy "Other Woman."
Will I ever do it yet again?
I doubt it. "Never Say Never" as they say, but as I grow more sensible I can see that next time (if there is a next time) I fall in love with a man I will want him to be someone who can be with me a little more freely. Hopefully someone who could, if we both choose to do so, live with me and be there for me the way I am there for him without having to look over our shoulders the whole time.
I have to admit, however, that there are aspects of having an affair that I would probably always miss, at least a little bit, and at least some of the time.
We have looked at the fact that adrenaline and a sense of "doing something forbidden" are powerful aphrodisiacs.
The way we still get butterflies in our stomach when the man we are having an affair with calls or comes through the door, even after quite some time and when a "normal" relationship will have become much more "routine," is very seductive indeed.
Some women suddenly realize that much of the excitement is caused by having an affair first, and the person they are having the affair with second. This realization can tempt us to replicate the emotional highs by having another affair after the current one has ended.
Amongst the people I have spoken to were many serial offenders, both male and female. People who had more than one affair, some actually being on their 5th or even 10th.
Most were not quite sure what drove them back onto the rollercoaster repeatedly, and few actually recognized the real reasons for this pattern in their lives.
Generally I would suggest that once we have realized that having an affair is unlikely to be the easy path to "happy ever after" we should try and stay away from doing it again.
But... "Hope springs eternal" as they say, so this particular piece of advice, however sensible it may be, is unlikely to talk us back from the edge when we are presented with another married man that catches our attention.
Before I met the man I am now involved in I honestly would not have believed that I could possibly entertain the thought of having another affair. I would have sworn that "once was enough" and that I had more sense than to do it again.
However, before the start of my first affair I would have stated with the same conviction that I would not have an affair with a married man, full stop.
Few women walk through life on the lookout for a married man to have an affair with. It doesn't quite "just happen" that way, but one can no more rule out it happening "again" than one could rule out it happening a first time.
It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.
Brigitte Bardot
Never be unfaithful to your lover except with your wife.
Satchel Paige
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Henry Louis Mencken 1880 - 1956
Four things does a reckless man gain when he covets his neighbor's wife - firstly demerit, secondly an uncomfortable bed, thirdly, punishment and lastly, hell.
Seneca - 1st Century AD
I have looked on many women with lust, I have committed adultery in my head many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me.
Jimmy Carter - 1924 -
Nothing is more pleasurable than to sit in the shade, sip gin and contemplate other people's adulteries, and while the wormy apple of marriage still lives, the novel will not die.
John Skow
Women react differently: a French woman who finds herself betrayed by her husband will kill his mistress; an Italian will kill her husband; a Spaniard will kill them both; and a German will kill herself.
Bernard Le Bovier Fontenelle - 1675 - 1757
Adultery usually follows a law of diminishing returns.
Anonymous
It is easier to play around with a man's wife than with his clichés.
Tom Robbins 1936-
Do you seriously expect me to be the first Prince of Wales in history not to have a mistress?
Prince Charles - Prince of Wales
Horses for ye, and brown Greek manuscripts, and mistresses with great smooth marbly limbs.
Robert Browning - 1812 - 1889
Nay but you, who do not love her! Is she not pure gold, my mistress?
Robert Browning - 1812-1889
Much can be inferred about a man from his mistress: in her one beholds his weaknesses and his dreams.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg- 1742 - 1799
The first breath of adultery is the freest; after it, constraints aping marriage develop.
John Updike
Passion is the evil in adultery. If a man has no opportunity of living with another man's wife, but if it is obvious that he would like to do so, and would if he could, he is no less guilty than if he was caught in the act.
Saint Augustine
As a musician I tell you that if you were to suppress adultery, fanaticism, crime, evil, the supernatural, there would no longer be the means for writing a single note.
John Bizet
No adultery is bloodless.
Natalia Ginzburg
A lover always thinks of his mistress first and himself second; with a husband it runs the other way.
Honore de Balzac
If ever a man and his wife, or a man and his mistress, who pass nights as well as days together, absolutely lay aside all good breeding, their intimacy will soon degenerate into a coarse familiarity infallibly productive of contempt and disgust.
Lord Chesterfield
Next to coming to a good understanding with a new mistress I love a good quarrel with an old one.
George Etherege
We often choose a mistress as we do a friend - for no particular excellence in themselves, but merely from some circumstance that flatters our self-love.
William Hazlitt
Even a most faithful mistress can be bent by constant threats.
Sextus Properius
Men will bear many things from a mistress which they would never bear from a wife.
Samuel Richardson
The more a man loves his mistress the more he is ready to hate her.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The man who thinks that he loves his mistress for her own sake is mightily mistaken.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny that he would rather see his mistress dead than unfaithful.
Marquis de Sade
A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town, not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night here and there.
William Wycherley
I could not stand that my husband was being unfaithful. I'm Raquel Welsh - understand...?
Raquel Welsh
I do not think that there are any men who are really faithful to their wives.
Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis
Divorce is the sacrament of adultery.
French Proverb
You know that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.
Maughan Vaughan Somerset
University degrees are a bit like adultery: You may not really want to get involved with that sort of thing but you don't want to be thought incapable.
Sir Peter Imbert
Mistresses are like books: If you pore upon them too much, they doze you and make you unfit for company; but if used discreetly, you are all the fitter for conversation by them.
William Wycherley
Next to the pleasure of finding a new mistress is the relief of getting rid of an old one.
William Wycherley
It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.
Helen Rowland
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Anonymous
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Isaac Asimov
A woman should say: ''Have I made him happy? Is he satisfied? Does he love me more than he loved me before? Is he likely to go to bed with another woman?'' If he does, then it's the Wife's fault because she is not trying to make him happy.
Barbara Cartland - Novelist - 1901 -
Jealousy is a painful passion that passionately seeks what causes pain.
German Proverb
When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
Sir James Goldsmith
Money differs from an automobile or mistress in being equally important to those who have it and those who do not.
Unknown
When we are tired of loving, we are quite content if our mistress should become unfaithful as it loosens us from our responsibility of fidelity
Unknown
You are my lover and I am your mistress, and kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered and succumbed before now to that mighty combination.
Violet Trefusis
A deaf husband and a blind wife make a happy couple.
French Proverb
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
A lady is nothing very specific. One man's lady is another man's woman; sometimes, one man's lady is another man's wife. Definitions overlap but they almost never coincide.
Unknown
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. Circumspection and devotion are a contradiction in terms.
Unknown
Do not envy a sinner; you do not know what disaster awaits him.
The Bible
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
H.G.Wells
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield
Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands.
Oscar Wilde
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
Jean Kerr
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Edgar Watson Howe
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
James Holt McGavran
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.
Ken Dodd
Seduction isn't making someone do what they don't want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.
Waiter Rant
It is not love that is blind, but jealousy.
Lawrence Durrell
I was not kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
Chico Marx
My twin passions, homeopathy and infidelity.
Charles, Prince of Wales
Men marry women in the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope that they will. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
In modern usage a cocuckold is the husband of an unfaithful wife - a far nastier and more humiliating state, apparently, than being the wife of a philanderer, for which in fact no word even exists.
Anne Fausto
When love becomes laboured we welcome an act of infidelity towards ourselves to free us from fidelity.
Francois de la Rochefoucauld
The Story of S, H, R and assorted supporting ladies
While this story was unfolding before my eyes I thought it was something completely extraordinary, something that did not happen all over the world and has been happening in various guises across the centuries. I was wrong.
Let us have a look at the leading roles. S was a seriously nice girl, from a great family, who went to the best public schools, a very pretty blonde with the right career in advertising, a nice little house in a semi rural area outside London, a couple of good horses and an active social life.
Then she met H, and fell in love with him. Unfortunately H was, at the time, married with 2 semi-grown up kids and a thriving cash-rich company to boot.
H and S started what they called a relationship, and the outside world would have called a sordid affair had they known about it. H was no stranger to extra-marital activities, but with S it was different. She fitted his growing status as a successful businessman much better than wife No. 1 and instead of indulging in a One-Night-Stand or short fling as usual, he and S soon became an item, both convinced that this was "the real thing."
This was S's first expedition into the land of adultery, and like almost every other woman who falls in love with a married man S was quite convinced that her situation was unique, that this was not just yet another illicit affair and that their love, such as it was, was destined to conquer everything for eternity.
H eventually left his wife, and the resulting mayhem did not have the commonly anticipated detrimental effect on his relationship with S. Quite the opposite happened, it pushed them even closer together.
Whilst assorted family, friends, neighbors and the local gossips at their favorite pub were still pouring over all the salacious (and mostly inaccurate) details of this latest scandal we watched H secretly and quietly hide away assets both from his company and his personal accounts. Vehicles were re-registered in various names, company books were "edited" and company assets vanished. By the time the fertilizer hit the fan he looked like an (admittedly very well dressed) pauper in a brand-new Range Rover that had been cleverly registered in someone else's name.
H's first wife had been too busy complacently enjoying a life that concerned itself mainly with running the household, bringing up the kids, partaking in village activities and the Pony Club. As a result she was ill equipped to either foresee or prevent what her soon-to-be ex-husband was up to, and by the time she finally woke up and smelled the coffee it was way too late.
H had diminished his worth on paper to near the poverty line, and with the help of an inventive accountant and a lawyer who was unafraid to skid along the edge of legality and (probably way) beyond, had managed to make himself look virtually penniless.
Considering the enormous care he had taken to end his first marriage in the most financially advantageous manner for himself, it is surprising how little foresight he showed at the time regarding the possibility of his second marriage (which was, at that stage, not even on the cards of course) failing. It would, in due course, prove to be a fairly expensive mistake on his part to have let "S" in on a lot of the details of his, let's call it "inventive" accounting. Being the smart lady that she was she did not forget a lot of it and when, many years later, this relationship imploded with a bang, she used what he taught her against him with both intelligence and a rage that surprised everyone, including herself.
Anyway, at the time it all went swimmingly S's way, and if the manner in which H ended his first marriage had started any warning bells ringing in her head she either could not or did not want to hear them.
She was too busy working on this great new life she and H had planned and trying to re-build the bridges between herself and her family, who were none too thrilled at the prospect of this newly divorced potential son in law, and most concerned about the damage to the family reputation.
S was undeterred by her mother's repeated wails that this was the first whiff of scandal to have touched their family since the reign of Elizabeth the First, and stuck firmly by H's side. They bought some land and started building up a farm, using all available tricks to obtain planning permission. S gave up her job and became a (admittedly rather fancy and well dressed) farming lady while H carried on running his company to finance their grand plans.
By the time their house was starting to be built the cracks in their relationship had already started to widen to the size of small canyons, H was up to his old tricks again but S, who had, after all, been his mistress before becoming his second wife, was not as innocently trusting as Wife No 1 and had smelled a rat long ago.
Unfortunately for her, like all things he did H did not conduct his affairs without planning their execution much like he did his business deals, and covered his tracks very well. Obviously S had a distinct advantage over H's first wife in that she knew a lot of his tricks, remembering only too clearly how he managed to cover his tracks when she was on the other side of the cheating triangle, and with the pink fog of first love most clearly removed she remembered only too well what to look out for.
Infuriatingly this meant that she sensed that he was up to no good, but not how, when and most pressingly, with whom.
S was my best friend at the time and we spent a lot of time driving around looking for his car in the wrong places and hiding down dark country lanes in borrowed vehicles in the hope to be able to follow him without being noticed. We were soon going through the dustbin, his organizer, his mail, his car and the phone bills in the hope of finding some clue as to the "other woman's" identity and basically behaving like a couple of amateur Miss Marples, with rather mixed success it has to be said.
Mostly our efforts were quite in vain, H was smart and careful, and by nature a coldly calculating type so no matter how ingenious our ploys, he was usually one step ahead of us.
The fact that he changed his mistresses as frequently and unpredictably as he changed his tactics also meant that all too often, just as we were getting close, he would dump the current object of his affection and move on, cleverly leaving them in such a way that he got rid of them without inciting their anger and thus risking their revenge.
Just as things looked ready to fall apart completely S fell pregnant, and for a while it looked like the prospect of fatherhood might have caused a change of character in H, he pulled himself together and whilst not quite attaining "model-husband" status he behaved pretty much well enough.
When S gave birth to a daughter they did, for a while, resume what appeared to everyone outside, and probably to them as well, a reasonably functioning marriage.
H doted on his little daughter and absolutely adored her, and held S in a kind of new regard as the mother of his beloved child. You could not, in all fairness, fault him as a father, and like many men who have children with a second partner he became almost a model dad, avoiding many of the mistakes he made when his sons from his first marriage were small.
However, soon the cracks started showing again, and things went both rapidly and dramatically downhill, this time with the child being most passionately fought over.
S began to contemplate separation and no longer cared whether H was cheating on her or not, let alone with whom. She spent more and more time doing her own thing, bringing up her daughter and otherwise concentrating on her horses, the farm and her friends.
One such friend was R, a neighbor also married with a child, who had been at the center of S and H's social circle for as long as anyone could remember.
Now I pride myself on having very finely tuned antennae for interpersonal vibes, be they positive or negative, and yet I never saw this one coming at all until it had already been going on for quite a while. Nor had, at that stage, H. In hindsight it is likely that he at this stage no longer cared much one way or the other whether S was seeing anyone else or not. The violent way he reacted when it all came out had more to do with who she was cheating on him with than the fact she was unfaithful in the first place.
It came to an almighty showdown one night, pretty spectacularly in the middle of a muddy field.
If S had in some way conned herself into thinking that H would handle divorcing her any differently than he handled divorcing his first wife she would soon learn that she was gravely mistaken.... If anything, H and his support team had learned from the few loopholes he inadvertently left for his first wife to find and had closed them.
S's advantage of knowing what he did during the course of his first divorce helped her case a little, but she still found herself done out of most of the proceeds of several years of relentless work. She had to stand by and watch quite helplessly how he somehow managed to appear quite penniless yet again, and also how he manipulated the facts until their valuable home, a gorgeous newly built house in a prime location in one of the most expensive areas of the country, with stables and grazing land, suddenly appeared worth very little, yet infuriatingly just a bit more than she could get her hands on to buy him out, so he kept the lot. The house, the farm, and almost her horses as well.
She did, after a long and extremely bitter and dirty (not to mention extortionately expensive) court battle, get custody of their child, but all in all she walked away with a fraction of what, if life was fair, she should have had.
Her affair with R did not last the course, he went back to his wife and they are, as far as I know, still together.
H lived alone in the former marital home for a while before marrying again. Last time I spoke to someone local he was once again up to his old tricks and seeing an Other Woman on the side.
S and I sadly lost touch, but I hope she eventually found lasting happiness with a good (single) man.
"You are my lover and I am your mistress, and kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered and succumbed before now to that mighty combination."
Violet Trefusis
The quote above is an interesting one. All too often the Other Woman in a married man's life tends to think of herself as powerless, as a victim of circumstances, and someone who is living a half-life compared to the man they are involved with, who seems to be getting a "life and a half."
However, throughout the centuries, and all over the world, in all cultures, again and again, there have been mistresses who have changed the course of history.
They were strong women, smart women, women who took destiny in their own hands and played their cards just right, both in their private and public lives. They were the ones that stepped out of the shadows, held their heads up high, and went for what they wanted. Whole heartedly and bravely. Not always "happily ever after," but still, they are the ones that are remembered, alongside or often more than the men they were involved with, whilst as a rule no-one really remembered the names of the wives they pushed to the sidelines.
There are so many examples, but let us look at some of the most interesting ones, chosen for the brilliance with which they played their cards, and the impact they had on their time and the life of the men they got involved in.
Arguably the most powerful woman in history, Cleopatra's rise to power came about when her father, Ptolemy XII, died. At the time Cleopatra was about 18 years of age. Along with her 12-year-old brother, and husband, Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, Cleopatra became co-ruler of Egypt upon the death of her father in 51 BC, assuming control of the empire.
Cleopatra's increasing status amongst the people troubled her brother and husband, and with the aid of the Eunuch Pothinus, who served as regent for the boy-pharaoh, Ptolemy attempted to have Cleopatra deposed. He succeeded in forcing Cleopatra to flee to Syria, where she raised an army, thus beginning a civil war. To make matters worse for Ptolemy, another sister took advantage of the political upheaval and made her own bid for the throne.
During this same time, political strife in Rome had pitted Julius Caesar, who requires no introduction, against his co-consul Pompey Magnus. Pompey, fleeing Caesar's armies, made his way to Egypt in order to seek refuge. Ptolemy XIII pretended to accept his request, but in an effort to win favor with Caesar, who he hoped would support his cause against Cleopatra, Ptolemy had Pompey executed. When Caesar finally arrived in Egypt, the gift of Pompey's head had rather an opposite effect than the one Ptolemy wished.
Cleopatra had somewhat more success with the married general. As the story goes, Cleopatra had herself delivered to Caesar rolled up in a Persian carpet. Charmed by her self-presentation, the married Caesar very swiftly fell for the Queen who, though contemporary portraits suggest she was not traditionally beautiful by modern standards, was, by all accounts, a very accomplished and intelligent woman. Their affair was an open secret, and soon Cleopatra convinced Caesar to support her quest for her throne.
Caesar reinstated Cleopatra to the throne as co-ruler, but this situation did not please her husband/brother. He rallied an army to wage war with Caesar's and Cleopatra's armies. After a battle that destroyed significant sections of Alexandria, Ptolemy's legions were defeated and the young Pharaoh drowned in the Nile as he attempted to flee. Cleopatra took control of the throne, but named her younger brother, Ptolemy XIV as her co-ruler.
The political turmoil quelled, her love affair with Julius Caesar continued. Cleopatra gave birth to his son, Caesarion in 47BC. Cleopatra and Caesarion visited Rome in 47BC and 44BC, and may have been present in the city at the time of Caesar's assassination on the Ides of March, 44BC.
Upon Caesar's assassination Cleopatra, who suddenly found herself without her powerful ally and lover, sought out and found another married world leader worthy of being the man on her side.
That man was Mark Antony, and for the next 12 years they ruled their empires with great success. The relationship produced twins before Mark Antony and Cleopatra married in 36BC, and another son, Ptolemy Philadelphus.
It would appear that all that power went to their heads at some point, and Antony and Cleopatra, self-styled gods, greatly displeased Rome. Octavian, one of the triumvirs of Rome, declared war on Egypt.
Cleopatra and Antony raised their armies to fight against the Roman war machine, but following a major naval defeat at Actium in 30BC, Antony, believing Cleopatra to have already killed herself, fell on his own sword.
Allegedly, Cleopatra, now aged 39 and used to being the mistress of the most powerful men of her time as well as the wife of complete weaklings, tried to seduce Octavian, with the intention of repairing the relationship with the Roman Empire. Octavian, however, planned to overthrow Cleopatra by completely humiliating her in the eyes of the world.
His plan was to take her back to Rome and to parade the, now powerless, Empress of Egypt through the streets for the edification of the mob.
Aware of Octavian's plan, Cleopatra, an immensely proud women, exerted her power one last time. Rather than allowing herself to be captured and humiliated, she killed herself with the help of a poisonous snake.
Probably the most famous royal mistress in Europe, certainly in France, was the Marquise de Pompadour.
France has always had a far more open and practical attitude to royal affairs, accepting that most marriages are political instruments, a consolidation of wealth, power and land that often led to the formation of dynasties and connections of states.
These unions were rarely, if ever, considered a true match of loving hearts - in fact the idea of a love match between elites would have struck contemporaries as a peculiarity at best and a political liability at worst.
In France the King was almost expected to have affairs, and the main "maitresse" was even awarded her own title of "maîtresse en titre" and held in generally high esteem by everyone, with the probable exception of the actual Queen.
Possibly the most influential and famous of all the French Royal Mistresses was born as Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson in Paris.
It is proven that a clairvoyant predicted that the 9 year old Jeanne-Antoinette would one day become the mistress of King Louis XV and as Jeanne-Antoinette grew up she made a point of seeking out the King, usually by attending royal hunting parties at the nearby forests of Senart.
She did marry in 1741, but did not allow her marriage to get in the way of being around the king as much as she possibly could.
Her endeavors were temporarily spoiled by Marie-Anne de Mailly-Nesle, Marquise de La Tournelle, who was the king's current "maîtresse en titre." The Marquise de La Tournelle quickly grew tired of seeing a beautiful and determined young woman around Louis XV, and Jeanne-Antoinette had to wait in the shadows until the Marquise de La Tournelle died in 1744 before she could attempt to take the place she believed destiny intended her to have.
Very soon the king became sufficiently enamored with the beautiful and intelligent young woman, made her the official "maîtresse en titre" and gave her the official title of "Marquise de Pompadour". Helped along by a most generous financial gift, her husband quickly agreed to an amicable divorce and the Marquise de Pompadour was finally free to live the life she had sought with such intelligence and determination.
Even though her sexual relationship with Louis XV only lasted 6 years, she kept her title of "maîtresse en titre" until her death.
This was mainly due to her finely tuned diplomatic skills. She forged important alliances at court and avoided the common mistake made by too many "maîtresses en titre" of making an enemy out of The Queen.
Her influence extended far beyond the actual court, however. Not only did she involve herself with cultural aspects of the time, becoming a major supporter of the theatre and especially Moliere, she also advised Louis XV on many points of international politics.
It was the Marquise de Pompadour who advised Louis XV to forge an alliance with Austria against England and Prussia, and it was the Marquise de Pompadour who advised the second ratification of the second contract of Versailles.
Her influence over the king grew, even after she lost her position in his bed to Anne Coupier de Romans, who, adding insult to injury, gave birth to a son fathered by the king.
She spent much of her time and energy on furthering the cases of various writers, amongst them her favorite, Voltaire and Denis Diderot, the author of the French Encyclopedia.
After her death in 1764 she was blamed for many of the mistakes made in the course of the Seven Year War.
Overall she is an example of a mistress who attained and kept the position she wanted by handling herself intelligently and using her powers wisely. If she ever tired of the role she had fought to get so hard there is no evidence of it.
The fact that she kept her title of "maîtresses en titre" even when, in reality, her physical relationship with Louis XV had ended speaks volumes of her skills.
Alongside Madame Pompadour, Anne Boleyn is arguably the most influential mistress in european history.
Whilst it could be said that Cleopatra would have changed the world of her time even if she had not been involved with Julius Cesar and Mark Antony, Anne Boleyn changed history because she was the mistress of Henry VIII.
By the standards of his time, Henry VIII was actually a fairly faithful husband to his wife Catherine of Aragon. Though he had dalliances of course, their marriage was for a number of years companionable and loving. Her inability to provide him with a male heir, however, caused him much consternation; without a male heir, the Tudor dynasty would go down in history as hard-won and short-lived, and Henry had a keen awareness of this fact. If Catherine had been able to produce that male heir, history most assuredly would have have taken a radically different path.
In 1525, just as the King's patience with Catherine reached an all-time low, he became seriously enamored with the charismatic young Anne Boleyn, who was, at the time, a member of the Queen's entourage.
Anne Boleyn was actually a very smart young woman, both intellectually and emotionally.
She had caught the king's eye but was well aware that the role of a mere mistress was not what she was after. Having seen her sister Mary Boleyn succumb to the king's advances only to eventually be tossed aside in favor of a new mistress, she decided that only the whole deal was going to do for her.
She resisted the king's advances, which made him even more determined to conquer her. His infatuation grew, and with it her influence over him. Anne made it quite clear that she would only yield to his advances if she were to become his acknowledged queen.
At this point Henry turned his entire passion into getting his marriage to Catherine annulled so he would be free to marry Anne. He tried to get the marriage annulled on the grounds that Catherine's brief previous marriage to his brother Arthur had been consummated, but the Pope refused to grant the annulment until a decision was taken in Rome.
It soon became clear that Henry was not going to get his way via papal channels, so he continued his affair with Anne and exiled Catherine in 1532, moving Anne into The Queen's former quarters.
Anne Boleyn was instrumental in the fall of Cardinal Thomas Wolsey, whose dismissal from office was a direct result of her intrigues. With Wolsey gone Anne quickly gained considerable power over appointments at court and political matters alike.
In 1532 one of her confidantes, a lawyer named Thomas Cromwell, brought before the Court a number of motions which would, in due course, seal the break of England with the Catholic Church and install Henry VIII as the head of the Church of England.
Henry married Anne in a secret ceremony that same year.
It took another year before The King's marriage to Catherine of Aragon was declared null and void and his marriage to Anne Boleyn officially confirmed.
However, their marriage was not a happy one. Anne also failed to provide the much longed for male child, ironically miscarrying a son when the king was near fatally injured in a jousting accident.
The king had also started to tire of her irritability and her often violent temper. Anne also refused to fit into the more submissive role expected of a Queen at the time. Only a year after the wedding Henry is said to have discussed how he could leave Anne without having to return to Catherine.
When Catherine of Aragon died in 1536 Anne soon realized that her life was in danger. The king was no longer happy with married life, she had not produced an heir and only with both queens dead could he marry someone else. As Anne recovered from her last miscarriage Henry declared that his marriage to her had been an act of witchcraft and Jane Seymour, the king's new mistress, was moved into place.
After Anne was arrested on charges of adultery, incest and high treason; and found guilty, one of the most famous affairs in history came to an end when Anne Boleyn was beheaded in May 1536 on Tower Green.
When we are in a conventional relationship we usually have access to an enormous amount of support and help when things don't go according to plan. Friends and family are normally more than happy to offer advice or just a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong.
Every bookstore has shelves stacked to the ceiling to help with just about every real or imagined issue that could possibly befall a conventional relationship.
If you look for a book that tells you how to deal with the problems that are specific to having an affair you are in for a long hard search, and what is available tends to just want to lecture you on why it wasn't a bright idea in the first place (a bit late now, and you know that anyway). There are a few books in print which deal with the issue, but frankly the ones I have looked at were not written to help us deal with the day-to-day aspects of having an affair.
As the Other Woman we stand pretty much alone.
Our friends and family, if they even know about the affair, are likely to be somewhat less than wholly supportive, and even if they wanted to offer advice they don't usually know what to suggest for the best.
Some Other Women are lucky enough to have a really good friend who has probably been through the same thing, and can at least offer an unconditional shoulder to cry on and advice from her own experience.
But by and large the Other Woman is pretty much expected to cope with the inevitable downsides herself.
While I was researching this book I did a lot of searches on the internet, and found a couple of discussion forums which are a godsend for literally thousands of women who were looking for a non-judgmental place to share their stories and get advice. Often it helps to just find out that we are not alone, that there are probably millions of us all over the world. An anonymous forum is a great platform where Other Women are free to discuss their affairs with others who are in the same or a similar position.
Not all of these forums are really supportive, and some appear to allow rather too much negativity to be expressed about the wives. It pays to look around and "lurk" for a while before jumping into the discussions.
The better ones have a strict "No Wife Bashing" policy and are carefully and strictly moderated to avoid whole discussions sliding down the nasty path of just bitching about people.
After much thought I have decided not to publish the addresses of the better forums here in this book, forums come and go, and a book can't easily be changed once it is in print.
Be aware that all of these forums are run by volunteers who give up their spare time to provide a platform for others to get help and support, so please treat them with respect, and don't just take advice, try and give a little something back by supporting others just as you expect to get support from them.
Be very careful what kind of information you share with others on the Internet however. Not everyone is who they claim to be, and there are some angry wives out there who spend a lot of time and energy researching "Other Women" to the extent of stalking them across the net and eventually publishing details of the women and her married men. This is why the best forums have strict policies regarding the details that can be shared in the general discussions.
Despite those restrictions I have to say I am "wasting" rather a lot of time on my favorite forum and have "met" some amazing women, and made a few real friends there.
If you have any suggestions for helpful websites, other good books or alternative ways we Other Women can get support please just e-mail me via the contact link on the website and I will happily include the information for everyone's benefit!
When I first started to write this book I was still reeling from learning about the death of the exceptional man who inspired it. I had no intention of ever getting myself involved with another married man. Quite frankly had anyone suggested that I would do so I may have declared them to be borderline insane.
I was also a touch cynical, having seen a few affairs around me go sour, and having looked a bit more closely at my own family history for clues why affairs are really not such a bright idea.
However, in the course of my research I realized that there are so many women who are living happy and fulfilled lives despite (or maybe even because) being involved with a married man, and so many who could be so much happier with their situation if only they approached the whole subject somewhat differently.
So even at that stage parts of the book were being re-written, added to, and changed. It was started from my own perspective, and then changed as I spoke to more and more men and women.
Every new situation I looked at, every affair I was told about by the people who were or had been conducting it, added to the overall picture. And every one of their stories made me more determined that this book really needed to be finished.
And then, just when I was absolutely not looking to get involved with anyone, let alone with another married man, I met "M."
"M" was and still is just about everything that attracts me to a man. Tall and very handsome, with a wicked sense of humor, intelligent and sensitive, a great person to talk to. Someone to laugh with, smile at and discuss everything under the sun from childhood to music with. My kind of man all round in other words.
I remember very clearly how I felt when I first looked into his eyes. There were immediate butterflies, and the familiar yet almost forgotten feeling we experience when we meet someone who will have a profound influence on our life.
"M," unfortunately however, was and is a married man. For a short while I kidded myself into thinking that we could be "just friends," then, when it became clear that this wasn't going to work, I kidded myself that maybe a "One Night Stand" would "get it out of our system...." Of course it did no such thing so more self-delusion followed and we tried to have just a little fling.
Now, many months later, we are in the middle of a fully blown affair and I am not intending to let that end any time soon if I can possibly help it.
So, finishing this book has become something I was now doing as much for myself as for the women (and men?) who buy it.
Once again I am in that situation where there are no well defined rules of conduct, and where proper and reasonable advise past the "Don't do it - it will end in tears" platitudes is hard to come by.
I am having to follow my own advice and try to adhere to the rules I have collected over the course of researching this book, gleaned from my own affair and those of others who were kind enough to share their stories.
Whichever course my own current affair will take in the long run, I am determined not to ruin it by making too many of the mistakes that I and others have made in similar situations.
If I can't have the "whole man" I will, at least, make the very best out of the situation I can have, a situation which I have chosen to be in of my own free will and a situation I have entered into with my eyes wide open.
In case there are any further editions of this book I may have to revise and update this postscript, but at this stage of both this book and my own life I am just going to say that it is entirely possible to have an affair with a married man and to be happy and fulfilled at the same time.
I am not saying this to show off, or to gloat, or to make myself out to be "the perfect mistress" in any way, shape or form. I am saying it because I am probably not that different to every other "Other Woman" out there. And if I can be in a wonderful affair with a wonderful man and be happy (at least for the time being) with the way things are going then I would hazard a guess that you can, too.
I am managing to have a happy affair by having chosen the man wisely. You can no more have a happy affair with a bad man than have any happy relationship with a bad man! I make sure I don't neglect my friends or my hobbies.
By not sitting around waiting for him to call or be able to see me I am a happier and more contented (and almost certainly a more fun to be with) person when he does.
No, it's not always easy, but then few things that are worth having and doing in life are always running smoothly. Occasionally I do get a bit weary and wonder what on earth I am doing (yet again). But those moments pass.
For the time being I am determined to read my own book whenever we hit a rocky patch, which, admittedly, hasn't really happened yet apart from some slight bumps on the road around Christmas, which is and always will be one of the hardest times for any woman involved with a married man.
So I close the final chapter of this book with a heartfelt "Thank You" to everyone who has helped to make it happen, knowingly or by accident, and especially to the wonderful man who made me brave enough and crazy enough to go where I had really promised myself I would never go again.
I raise my glass to all the Other Women in the world who are bravely loving a married man, and I raise my glass, again, to the wonderful man in my own life, who is making it so much better than it was before I met him!