THE RULES OF THIS TOURNAMENT SUCK
I stared at Gabrielle and blinked. “Umm, I know this is probably not the answer you’re expecting but isn’t that a good thing?”
“What?” Gabrielle asked, an appalled look on her face.
“I mean, we’re all here because these damned orbs represent an existential threat to everything. Skullface McWizardton only wins if he wins the tournament and uses the orbs to kill everyone.”
I neglected to mention I was also here because I wanted a wish to conquer the solar system. I didn’t know if Gabrielle would overthrow me afterward, probably, but I was comfortable with her defeating me. If destiny hadn’t made it so the two of us could be together, I loved my wife and Cindy after all, I was comfortable being her archnemesis. How screwed up was that?
Gabrielle shook her head. “It’s not that easy, Gary.”
I sighed. “Of course, it isn’t. The universe is set up to keep its audience of violence and joke-hungry masses amused.”
I turned to my left.
“Gary, what are you doing?” Gabrielle asked, looking at me sideways.
“Staring at the fourth wall. I assume the Primals can see me glaring at them,” I said, making the most annoyed face I could.
“Uh huh,” Gabrielle said, annoyed.
“So,” I said, going back to what she said. “What happens if they get away with them?”
I had no idea who ‘they’ were but I figured we could get to that in time. It wasn’t like this was a place that lacked for potential suspects. As far as I could tell, it could be anyone from Professor Moriarty to Arsène Lupin.
“If they succeed in stealing the orbs then the tournament is cancelled,” Gabrielle explained, a fearful look on her face. “All participants forfeit their matches and the tournament’s host wins by default.”
I blinked. “The tournament host being Mumm-Ra.”
Gabrielle blinked. “You shouldn’t call Entropicus that.”
“The tournament host being Jack Skellington.”
Gabrielle rolled her eyes. “Yes, Gary, the tournament host being him.”
“Which will result in the end of the world,” I said.
Gabrielle nodded. “Every world everywhere.”
“Which means he actually has a vested interest in letting these yokels get away with the orbs,” I said.
Gabrielle nodded again. “Is there like a rulebook I didn’t get a copy of? I feel like there should have been one to let us know about these things. It should have been passed out at the start.”
“There was a four-hour orientation by the priests of the All-Knowing on the beach at the start,” Gabrielle said, frowning. “You didn’t attend?”
I stared at her, trying not to be snide. “No, I was too busy mourning my best friend.”
It was hard to believe Diabloman was gone. I kept expecting him to come back but the return of heroes (or villains) to the land of the living was greatly overstated. There had been a few times it had happened, Ultragod coming back from the dead once in the Nineties as well as Mandy of course, but the vast majority of heroes stayed dead. Sunlight, Ultragod for the second time, the Nightwalker, and others were beyond this life now.
Ironically, I’d faced many of my enemies multiple times before. The Ice Cream Man, Big Ben, the Typewriter, and others had come back repeatedly. I’d faced them as zombies, ghosts, and even demons only to send them right back to hell after I was done with them. It seemed the damned spirits had the least to trouble crossing back over into this world.
For a moment, it actually made me hope there was no peace for my best friend since that would make it easier to summon him back with necromancy. But I wasn’t a very good wizard. I didn’t know the dozens of languages necessary to translate spells, possess the mathematical genius to coordinate the stars properly, or even simply have the right spells. I hadn’t just been joking back at the pizzeria that I wasn’t smart enough to get all the bonus spells your typical D&D wizard needed to dominate the world. I did have the approval of a very powerful patron but she was a spirit who was fickle in her patronage.
“I’m sorry, Gary,” Gabrielle said, placing her arm on my shoulder. “Diabloman was a… complicated individual but I knew you and he were close. You made him a better person.”
Gabrielle was suppressing her anger at Diabloman, I could tell. Being imprisoned for years (months?) at the hands of Merciful had shredded her formerly calm demeanor. Gabrielle had been a member of the Texas Guardians with the Guitarist and Spellbinder, only for Diabloman to kill both of her friends. He’d also tried to kill her on numerous occasions. That’s not including the time he destroyed the universe. So, yeah, I understood why she couldn’t bring herself to mourn him like me.
“Did I?” I asked. “Did I really? If so, what does that make me?”
I was Diabloman’s Luke and Gabrielle was his Leia. One sibling was willing to forgive and the other not.
Gabrielle looked confused. “Pardon?”
“I was just thinking of Star Wars,” I said, pausing.
“Of course you are,” Gabrielle said, sighing. “Why am I not surprised?”
“Because you know me so well,” I said. “Real life redemption isn’t like Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi. If Anakin Skywalker had managed to survive the Second Death Star then he would have found himself spending the rest of his short life on trial for war crimes. Luke would have been vilified for trying to defend his father, Leia for being his daughter, and the Rebellion for employing them both. He would have ended up executed and the galaxy would cheer. The fact he got into Jedi heaven would also strike all of his victims as a cop out.”
Gabrielle blinked. “The Force or God has to be greater than man. I don’t want Diabloman to suffer for what he did but, no, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him.”
“He’d never forgive himself either,” I said, pausing. “So, who are the idiots who are trying to steal the orbs?”
“I only know one of them,” Gabrielle said. “He’s a warrior from Universe-LS.”
“Earth-LS?” I asked.
Gabrielle paused. “Basically, it’s like…”
“What?” I asked, wondering why she trailed off.
“Star Wars,” Gabrielle muttered. “It’s a universe where humanity has traveled the stars and become an interplanetary power.”
“So it’s the future?” I asked, trying not to hide my excitement. I was half sure mankind was going to destroy itself before it got outside of the Sol system. I had a spaceship with an FTL drive, a gift, but I’d never used it. Humans had been to other space empires but we hadn’t adapted the technology and there was no sign Earth’s governments had any interest in spreading beyond. They were too terrified of the other powers coming to wipe us out despite all the previous alien invasions being unmotivated.
Gabrielle said. “Not really. Universe-LS never had a past with superpowers.”
“That doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me,” I said. “How do you have a universe without superpowers?”
Gabrielle shrugged. “All I know is he’s one of Death’s champions and I thought you’d be able to talk to him.”
“I don’t know Death’s champions beyond my group. Can’t you just punch them into submission?”
“Then Entropicus might make it a fight and eliminate them,” Gabrielle said. “Or me.”
“He’s got every angle covered, doesn’t he?” I said.
“Maybe,” Gabrielle said. “I think he’s afraid of you.”
“Pfft!” I snorted in derision. “How do you figure that?”
“Because if he kills you, Death will never forgive him,” Gabrielle said.
That actually might be right. “Alright, let’s go try to talk these thieves down.”
Gabrielle nodded then directed her hand down the hallways toward the interior of the island’s mountain. The two of us headed down a long string of steps and torches illuminated all around us, glowing with green fire. There was no noise except for the sounds of fires crackling as well as the dripping of water into puddles on the ground.
“So, can I ask you a question?” I asked.
“You can ask me anything, Gary,” Gabrielle said. “You know that.”
I paused. “Perhaps. I was just curious—”
“What?” Gabrielle asked.
“How are you?” I asked.
Gabrielle stopped in mid-step then looked back at me. “Do you really want to know?”
“Well, I freed you from a technological prison built by my evil twin and we’ve seen each other like, what, three times?” I asked. “One being a booty call.”
“I didn’t think your…uh wife and lover would mind,” Gabrielle muttered.
“Well Mandy did,” I said, frowning. “But no matter what, I’m your friend and worried about you.”
“Friend?” Gabrielle asked, the word carrying a lot of pain.
“I love you and always will but you made your choice,” I said, remembering how she’d ended our engagement because she was worried I’d get killed by a supervillain if we continued to date. Then she took my memories of our time together for years. The pain was still fresh even though I remember everything we lost. “I also made mine. I’m glad to have to have the life I have,”
“And me?” Gabrielle asked.
I blinked. “I…do I have you?”
I needed to tell her to stop and not say her next words because if she said them, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to tell her to stay away.
“I love you Gary,” Gabrielle said, admitting it. “I never want to give you up.”
Dammit.
“But I’m not sure I like sharing,” Gabrielle said.
I looked down. “That could be a problem.”
“I know,” Gabrielle said, taking in a deep breath. “There’s also something else I need to tell you.”
I took a deep breath. “Could we put a pin in that while we’re on a mission? I mean, you know, until I’ve had a chance to cope with the first revelation? Plus, you know, my best friend dying and being in hell? Not sure I have room for anything else right now.”
Gabrielle looked troubled and given she routinely moved asteroids out of the way of Earth, that meant the news was probably devastating. Given she’d just proclaimed her undying love for me and wanting to be exclusive, I wasn’t sure what could be that troublesome. “Alright, Gary, let’s talk about something less troubling. Are you going to wish Diabloman back?”
I hadn’t thought of that. I was also bothered by the fact resurrecting my dead friend was less troubling than her news. “That would be a convenient solution to my problems, wouldn’t it? I could restore things to the status quo and everything would go back to the way it was.”
“It’s never that easy,” Gabrielle said. “We’re not like the characters in the comic books made after us. There’s no returning to the status quo at the end of the issue.”
“It sure feels that way sometimes,” I said, considering my options. “I suppose I might wish him back but I might as well wish hell to not exist or the magic to bring him back.”
“Wishing big never helps,” Gabrielle said.
“It never helps to wish small either,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Certainly, I can take over the world on my own if I want.”
Gabrielle snorted. “Yes, the mid-level magic user who doesn’t want to kill anyone is going to take over the world. You don’t need to give me the same false bravado you give everyone else, Gary.”
“False bravado?” I asked. “There’s nothing false about it. I’ve killed three figures worth of assholes.”
“But not innocents,” Gabrielle said, sighing. “If you’re going to take over the world then you’re going to have a body count of good people who don’t want to be conquered. You’re not the kind of person who hurts innocents.”
Gabrielle had me wrong, though not by much. “That used to be the case but it seems I got a lot of innocent people killed when I broke everyone out from Merciful’s prisons. Perhaps I should have been more discriminating.”
“You’ve been talking with Guinevere,” Gabrielle said, her voice lowering. “That’s her interpretation of events.”
“Is there another one?”
“That people make their own mistakes and trying to pass them off on the self-styled supervillain is an unworthy path for so-called heroes,” Gabrielle said.
I felt the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. “Gabrielle, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you’re not doing well.”
Gabrielle started walking down the stairway again. “No, I’m not. Guinevere was like a second mother to me. She and my father had been close friends since before WW2. She was there at my side from the beginning, trained me when I wanted to be a hero, and fought for my membership in the Society of Superheroes when I was thought too young.”
“I saw the articles in TIME and People,” I said, frowning. “It must have hurt you beyond measure to have her give up on finding you.”
“Yes,” Gabrielle said, her voice quivering with rage. “But that’s not the worst part. It’s not even the fact she tried to shift the blame on you when you saved me. It was the fact she dishonored everything my father stood for by siding with Merciful. Worse, she did it in his name. Without the Nightwalker and Ultragod, she turned the Society of Superheroes into a tyranny.”
I was really going to regret saying my next words, I just knew it. “Have you tried talking to her?”
“About as much as she’s tried talking to me,” Gabrielle said, gritting her teeth. “Specifically, to let her know how much she disappoints me.”
I took a deep breath. “Maybe you should both try to talk like people who have saved the world repeatedly as well as being two of the most famous role models for girls across the globe. People who should be focused on making the world a better place than fighting each other. I know a lot of people speculate on who would win in a fight: Sherlock Holmes or Captain Nemo but the truth is nobody really wants to see heroes trying to kill one another. We want to see our heroes team up and beat up the real bad guys.”
“Are you seriously defending her?” Gabrielle asked. “After all she pulled. After all she’s done to you? She’s smeared your reputation across the globe.”
“You mean my reputation as a supervillain?” I asked. “Yeah, I think that’s fine.”
“You know what I meant.”
“I know,” I said, following her down the steps. “The truth is, though, Guinevere lost her two best friends five years… a year… goddammit, this time compression thing is ridiculous, a while ago. The burden of leadership for the Society of Superheroes falling on her shoulders when it used to be shared with three. Maybe I’m not fond of her and she’s never going to be my friend but if I’m able to forgive the worst then why not forgive the best?”
A gust of wind shot forth from the base of the dungeon, blowing me a foot back. I stepped forward and shook my head. “I think we’re getting close.”
“Yeah,” Gabrielle said. “What’s your angle?”
“Excuse me?”
“Gary, you’re a man of many qualities I admire. However, I don’t think of you as the soft sensitive type. Why are you trying to get me and my godmother to make up?”
I paused. “I want to be a superhero.”
Gabrielle stopped dead in her tracks before bursting out laughing.
“Gabby—” I started to say.
Gabrielle continued laughing.
“Gabby,” I said, frowning.
Gabrielle started to calm down then ended up giggling a little more. “Okay, we really shouldn’t be stopping to talk about this but are you serious? That is the worst plan I have ever heard in my entire life.”
I stared at her, not at all amused. “You know, I’ve saved the world a couple time. I’ve stopped a bunch of bad guys. Maybe I did a little thieving and killing along the way but I didn’t think the idea of my being a hero was something so incredibly ridiculous.”
Gabrielle looked guilty. “I’m sorry, I really am. It’s just you’ve never cared about what people think before. It was one of those aforementioned admirable qualities.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to spend my adult life being chased down by people I admire,” I said. “I don’t want my daughter growing up with the same cloud hanging over her head that my parents had.”
“Leia has no reason to be anything but proud of you,” Gabrielle said, looking at me. “She is the thing I am most jealous of.”
I looked at her and said nothing then walked past her.