IF WISHES WERE FISHES, WE’D ALL STINK
“Wow, this is a far more badass castle than I was expecting,” I said, walking through the open gate to reveal a massive interior with Tron lines going up and down bare stone. There were free-floating blocks moving in regular patterns as well as random beams of light firing from pits into the sky above.
“Really? Badass?” Cindy said, looking at the interior. “I swear I’ve played this level in Assassins Creed.”
“There’re free floating blocks!” I said, gesturing upward. “I mean, what if I made a jump and smashed my head against them! They might pop out mushrooms or stars! If I can get thirty seconds of invincibility then I can take Entropicus out, easy!”
“Can we have a ban on making video game references when we’re trying to save the entire multiverse?” Mandy asked, looking around the place with a look of sheer disbelief.
“You’re a sexy vampire entering a castle with a magic sword and shield,” Jane said, looking at Jane. “How the hell are we not going to make any Castlevania references?”
“By not making them,” Mandy said, looking more than a little pissed off. She was still mad over the fact I didn’t want to become a vampire even in a life-saving emergency. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to grow old and plop over like Lancel Warren did but I wasn’t a fan of vampires outside of my wife. Anne Rice aside, who I would never be able to read the same way again, vampires were people living under a dreadful curse. You had to be a vicious sociopath to not see the downsides versus the benefits and I seemed to be the exception as one who couldn’t.
“Whatever you say, Alucardette. Honestly, I feel like I’m among my people,” Jane said, glancing to her. “It’s like being in a Joss Whedon film. Something I suppose is appropriate since he used to make superhero films you’ve probably got not equivalent to in your world.”
“What do you mean? Joss Whedon made the Society of Superheroes movie,” I said, blinking. “Love that film, even if it is ahistorical.”
Jane blinked. “I’m still wrapping my head around the fact you still have superhero comics in a world where they’re real.”
“Do you have vampire and werewolf movies on your world?” I asked.
“Yes,” Jane said. “They’re a bit different since the reveal of the supernatural in 2008 but we’ve got everything from Dracula to Underworld.”
“There you go,” I said, looking around for guards or some sign of Entropicus’ people. The weird monks who inhabited the island weren’t anywhere to be found and I hadn’t seen Gabrielle since I’d accidentally eliminated her from the tournament.
“I’ve often thought of getting myself infected with lycanthropy,” Cindy said. “I have gotten numerous power ups with my toys over the years but the simple fact is, I’m kind of running low on super-abilities. Being a werewolf who dresses as a sexy Red Riding Hood strikes me as something that could work me.”
Jane’s face wrinkled into a nasty expression. “Yeah, that’s not how shifters work on my world. We’re all born to it. We’re not an STD.”
Cindy snorted. “Oh, I wouldn’t want to be a were-DEER anyway, seriously. I’d want to be something cool.”
“Grr,” Jane growled, sounding wholly unlike a deer.
“Wait, would it be transmittable via sex?” Cindy asked, completely ignoring Jane’s point. “I mean, that sounds like a much-much easier way to get transformed than the surviving a mauling thing. Would it have to happen when they’re in wolf-person form? Would I have to swallow—”
“Time out!” I said, making a t-gesture with my hands. “We’re not going there. This is a PG-13 universe.”
“Except for all the swearing, murder, and adultery,” G said.
“Do you want to move to a world where magic is real or not, Tinman?” I asked, looking back at him.
G raised his hands in surrender. “Just don’t try and pass off a watch as my heart and we’re good.”
“If I was Dorothy, I’d have brought Aunt Em and Uncle Henry to Oz. Screw Kansas. This is why the books are better,” Cindy said.
“There are books?” G asked.
I was about to explain when a pair of glowing force fields appeared behind me and behind my friends, trapping them.
“Well, that’s a sudden but inevitable betrayal,” I said, looking back at them. “Mind you, it’s a bit subtle for Entropicus and involves less disintegrating us with his Hellazons.”
“Hellazons?” Jane asked.
“His all-girl army of Goth demigods,” I said, looking at her. “That shows he can’t be all bad.”
“I’m afraid to disappoint you, Gary,” Cassius spoke from the other side of the room before walking out.
Cassius walked out wearing a bizarre skin-tight bodysuit with a flowing cape and helmet that left his face exposed. It glowed with little dots as there was a metal box on the side of his shoulder. His sword and belt had been upgraded with technology from Entropicus’ world and he looked very much like he’d stepped out of a Seventies sci-fi epic.
“Oh hey, it’s you,” I said, looking at him. “Why are you dressed like…”
I paused.
“You know, I actually have no pop culture reference to compare you to.” I looked back to the others. “Help me out here.”
“Buck Rogers?” Jane suggested.
“Flash Gordon?” G suggested.
“Captain Pornstar of the Eighth Dimension?” Cindy said.
Everyone looked at her.
“I should know I won awards for my supporting role in that,” Cindy said. “The industry has become a lot less sleazy since the dawn of the 21st century.”
Everyone looked at her still.
“I did it for the art,” Cindy said, crossing her arms. “It’s also been on HBO Late Night so it’s a real movie!”
“Well, there went our PG-13 rating,” I muttered.
“It was a mercy killing,” Mandy said, solemnly.
Now everyone was looking at her.
“I can be funny!” Mandy said. “It’s just people don’t notice because I’m in the clown car that is this group.”
“That’s a fair cop,” I said.
“Silence!” Cassius shouted, raising his electricity glowing sword. “I’m sorry, Gary, but I can’t let you battle Entropicus!”
“Where did you find this guy?” I asked, looking over at Mandy.
Mandy shrugged. “I got dumped into his universe for a couple of months while in the future that never was.”
“I thought she was crazy,” Cassius said, shaking his head. “Who believes in vampires, after all?”
“Everyone,” Jane muttered. “Anyway, I think I got that issue on Free Comic Book Day.”
I kept my vision on Cassius. “Okay, you do realize we’re trying to stop the end of everything, right? May I ask why you’re getting in the way?”
“I need to be the one who gets the wish,” Cassius replied, approaching with his sword. “You may have lawyered your way to getting to challenge Entropicus but I haven’t been eliminated from the tournament and still want to win.”
I stared at him. “Listen, I like Malcolm Reynolds and Han Solo as much as the next guy but I’m not betting on them in a battle with Wizard-Satan.”
“I managed to acquire a Century Box,” Cassius replied, tapping the little device on his shoulder. “It’s provided me with a battle suit that significantly upgrades my combat capacity. I also intend to blast Entropicus from orbit with my starship. That’s in addition to the fact I have a patron who knows how to weaken exploit the tournament’s rules.”
I tried to think through the implications of what he was saying. “Well, it’s not a terrible plan but it’s still like those fighting video games where everyone is evenly distributed power wise despite the fact some characters should be objectively impossible for others to beat. People can come up with excuses for how the underdog can achieve an upset but it’s stupid rather than cool.”
Cindy leaned up against the force field holding her in place. “Psst, Gary, isn’t that what we’re doing?”
“Shut up!” I snapped back. “This is completely different!”
Jane covered her face. “Oh God, the fate of the universe is in the hands of the world’s biggest dork.”
“Not world’s biggest,” I said, pausing. “Maybe third or fourth but I’ll never be the world’s biggest as long as Basement Dweller Man and Nerdy Jewish Guy exist.”
That was when Cassius fired a blast of energy from his sword, which I barely turned insubstantial fast enough to avoid. “Hey! You could hurt someone doing that!”
“That’s the idea,” Cassius said, sighing. “It’s set on stun but I am fully capable of killing you if it comes to that. Regardless of the consequences.”
“The consequences being we kill your ass immediately afterward,” Mandy growled, narrowing her eyes. “I like you, Cassius, but you’re not going to be able to hurt my husband even if he’s an incredibly flawed individual who’d rather be married to one of the good guys!”
“That is not true!” I snapped.
Mandy lowered her eyes. “I can hear the truth in your voice. You hate the undead and mourn the Mandy I never was.”
“Get your hearing adjusted!” I snapped, perhaps not taking the ideal path to dealing with her.
Cassius looked at the shield. “The Century Box has taken control over the Castle of Ultimate Sorrow’s interior workings. You’ll be kept harmless in this location while my crew keeps Entropicus’ cheating bastards busy. Every one of them is willing to make sacrifices to achieve our goal.”
I stared at him. “You want the wish, no matter the cost.”
“Correction,” Cassius said. “I want the orbs.”
“It’s always about men and their balls,” Cindy said.
Jane and Mandy nodded.
G rolled his eyes.
“What do you want to wish for?” I asked, having decided against my reboot plan. Unfortunately, that meant I had no idea what I wanted.
“My planet back,” Cassius said, simply.
I blinked. “You got Alderaaned?”
Cassius frowned as if offended by my comparison. “Yes. Yes, I was. My wife, my people, and my comrades in arms were all killed in a war across the cosmos. With my wish, I’m going to return them to life. No, I’m going to wish the war that killed them never happened.”
“Good wish,” I said, not joking. “I’m not sure how to phrase my wishing since wishing for more wishes seems like it’d fail and if I wished for unlimited power, I’ll probably end up trapped in a genie bottle.”
“You’re referencing something I don’t get,” Cassius said.
“So, no Aladdin in the future but Star Wars is alive and well?” I asked. “I can live with that.”
“Don’t make me destroy you,” Cassius said, lifting his sword and approaching in a very Darth Vader-esque fashion.
“You’re not going to destroy me,” I said, completely confident in my conclusions.
I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Cassius but I actually remembered him now. There had been a story Gabrielle once related about how the Texas Guardians had fallen into a space age world where magic and psychic abilities didn’t exist. The story had helped inspire the crappy SyFy channel movies I’d seen as the historical comic book publishers were shills who’d do tales about anything that smacked of superhero “truth.” One quality that had been demonstrated by the Cassius of those stories was the fact he was a man of his word. The one man who actually had a code of honor in a universe that considered those things ridiculous and stupid. Because, well, codes of honor were ridiculous and stupid. I’d rather be good than honorable. I’d also rather win than be honorable.
“Surrender and stay alive,” Cassius said, his sword held in a perfectly formed fighting stance.
“If you wanted me to surrender and were really committed then you would have already won,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But you’re too nice a guy.”
“Excuse me?” Cassius said, pausing a few steps away.
“Listen, if you really wanted to get me to surrender then you’d just use the force fields imprisoning my friends against me,” I said, pointing to them. “I’d surrender to avoid you crushing them into paste.”
“Gary, what are you doing?” Cindy asked, looking at me.
“Stop helping!” Jane said.
Mandy, however, just smiled.
Cassius stared. “This is a very peculiar strategy.”
“It’s like the easiest way to get superheroes to back down and the one thing that I won’t do,” I said, throwing my hands out. “You’re a soldier and strike me as a fairly honorable sort, despite the fact you tried to nick the orbs without winning the tournament. So, you can’t threaten my loved ones and you have only a small chance of actually beating me.”
“Wow,” Jane said, staring. “This is the worst plan I have ever heard and we started with your boyfriend defeating the Dark Lord.”
“Husband,” Mandy said. “For now.”
“Eh, you’re only married to him until death,” Cindy said. “Afterward, I suggest asking out Aquarius. He’s pretty awesome despite his ‘talk to fish’ power.”
“Etu, Cindy?” I asked.
Cindy put her hands over her heart. “I love you Gary, truly, but there’s a reason I keep your will updated to include me as well as Leia. It’s only a matter of time.”
“I like my chances,” Cassius said, advancing. “Say a prayer to what god you worship.”
“Or,” I said, taking note my plan wasn’t quite working as well as I’d hoped. “You can join Team Merciless and then when I win the tournament, we proceed to bring your world back on the ten page document I’m going to have my lawyers go over before making a wish on. All I need to do is make it a run-on sentence so I can wish for everything I could possibly want or just wish for everything on my list.”
Cassius stopped. “Do you think that would work?”
“Yes,” I lied, offering my hand. “What do you say?”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone else in my life,” Cassius said, looking down. “I’ve killed far too many over the years.”
“Thanks,” I said, walking forward then blasting him with my fire powers. “Sudden but inevitable betrayal!”
“What the hell, Gary!?” Mandy asked.
“Villain!” I said, chuckling.
That was when Cassius got up, unharmed, and charged. I turned insubstantial but a glowing field encircled his proton sword and caused it to pass through my flesh anyway. I was impaled through the back and started to bleed out onto his arms.
“Ah, dammit,” I muttered.