HAS YOUR MOTHER or another relative, friend, or acquaintance ever said, “You’re so pretty, smart, and nice—why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Did you feel speechless because you couldn’t figure it out either and were not sure what you were doing wrong in the dating department?
Women today manage to graduate with honors, climb the corporate ladder, win Olympic gold medals, and even run for president of the United States, but getting a guy to ask them out or commit is next to impossible! Alas, we know the reason why most pretty, smart, and nice women don’t have a significant other: they either pursue guys or act too eager when guys make the first move!
Here’s how it all started: About twenty years ago we were having dinner with five friends at a Chinese restaurant on the Upper East Side in New York City, a scene sort of like one from Sex and the City, but before Sex and the City existed. Every woman brought her dating problem to the table. We noticed that the women who played hard to get, either on purpose or because they were truly busy, got the guys, while the women who asked guys out or showed too much interest got dumped. We put two and two together, watched it work in real life, and decided to write a dating book to share the secrets of this phenomenon to help every woman on earth—not just our friends—date successfully.
Simply put, The Rules are a way of acting around any guy who initiates conversation with you, whether in person or online, so he becomes obsessed with you and wants to commit. Yes, it’s about playing hard to get, because guys love a challenge and lose interest when anything is too easy—especially women.
The Rules became an instant best seller and was translated into twenty-seven languages—because guys are the same all over the world! We appeared on just about every TV and radio show, preaching the play-hard-to-get gospel. We started a worldwide phone and e-mail consultation business and a free Rules network; we have helped thousands of women date with boundaries to find self-esteem, love, and marriage.
Now we want to help you date successfully; we want to share our time-tested secrets with you, which are applicable whether you’re dealing with texting, Facebook, instant messages, or Skype. You can truly do The Rules on any guy, in any situation, and get the fabulous payoff: a guy who is crazy about you!
Are you tired of guys texting you or friending or messaging you on Facebook, but not asking you out?
Have you heard of The Rules, but are not sure how to apply these dating secrets to today’s technologies?
Have you had it with casual relationships and hookups and spending Saturday nights or Valentine’s Day alone?
Do you wonder why some women who are not even as pretty or smart or nice as you get the guys, and you don’t?
Do you suspect that you are doing something wrong, but are not sure what?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then you are reading the right dating book! We wrote Not Your Mother’s Rules because how to get and keep a guy is not taught in high school, college, or even later in life. Women both young and old, including our clients, contacts, dating coaches, and those who are getting back into the dating game, begged us to write another book covering the latest shape dating has taken on. Even mothers wrote to us asking how they could help their daughters!
We wrote this updated version of The Rules to teach women how to capture the heart of Mr. Right in the new world of dating and romance. But the truth is, all the old Rules still apply! We strongly encourage you to read or at least browse through All the Rules in addition to this book; some of the content may seem a bit outdated, but the spirit of our message is still the same. In 2013 there are some nuances to the older Rules that weren’t even on their way to existing yet in 1995! We’ve included a few Rules here that have come up in our previous books, but with updates pertaining to today’s dating world. We even use some of the same terminology in this book, like buyer beware (Rule #22) and Next! (Rule #31). We also wrote a quick reference guide about the most important Rules to keep in mind from those books in Chapter VII, “20 Rules That Bear Repeating.” Your mother may have bought you a copy of this book, or maybe you bought it yourself to find answers. No matter how it got into your hands, we will teach you how to use The Rules in a world full of texting, tweeting, wall writing, booty calling, and more—all of which has changed the way everyone dates.
But before you can do The Rules, you have to understand that men and women are different. This fact may seem shocking because you were raised to think that men and women are equal and that women can do anything they want. Women can become doctors and lawyers and make the same salaries as men. They can run marathons and even run for political office! While all this is true, women cannot be the pursuer in a romantic relationship without the possibility of getting rejected, hurt, or perhaps even devastated. Men and women are not the same romantically. Men love a challenge, while women love security. Men love to buy and sell companies as well as extreme sports like mountain climbing and bungee jumping, while women love to talk about their dates and watch romantic comedies. In fact, one of the guys we interviewed for this book said, “I could never be a girl—you talk about relationships too much!” LOL! It’s true: A woman gets a text or e-mail from a guy she likes and she forwards it to five girlfriends to analyze it. A guy gets a text, thinks about it for less than a second, and then turns back to the football game. Vive la différence!
The other thing you need to understand is that men are extremely visual and cannot be attracted to a girl just because she is nice, smart, or funny. They know who they like instantaneously. It may sound bad, but physical attraction is everything for a guy. He can’t possibly love your insides if he doesn’t love your outsides, so it’s a waste of time to initiate contact. You may not be his type or look and he will eventually dump you for the girl he is physically attracted to. Conversely, while women also have a type/look, they can grow to like a guy who is funny or successful. But a guy just can’t do it! Women are more emotional about love and can be swept away by a guy’s personality, while most guys can’t get past a woman’s looks. Yet another way men and women are wired differently!
Knowing these differences between the sexes will help you do The Rules—play hard to get—because being a challenge is the secret to getting a guy. Men are easily bored, so if you want a guy to pursue you, don’t act so interested. Treat him a little bit like a guy you don’t care for! As we wrote in our first book, don’t speak to a man first, don’t ask him out, don’t accept last-minute dates, don’t see him too often, and don’t date him forever. These are the keys to dating!
So why Not Your Mother’s Rules—and why now? Facebook, Gchat, texting, and other social technologies have made it almost impossible for women to be elusive and mysterious. Every woman is glued to her cell phone and guys can reach her morning, noon, and night. Not exactly hard to get! How exactly can a woman do The Rules under these new circumstances, you ask?
We were talking to a new client who was just out of college and she was complaining about how hard it is to follow The Rules with the new levels of accessibility. She said that, thanks to The Rules, she knew not to call men or ask them out. And thanks to The Rules for Online Dating, she got that she shouldn’t contact a guy after looking at his profile or respond to a wink. But texting, Facebook, Gchat, Twitter, and Skype were throwing her for a loop. She didn’t know if The Rules applied—and if they did, how exactly? She had so many questions! Was it okay to text a guy first? If you had to wait to text back, how long was Rules-y and how long was just rude? Were there new Rules for all this? With all due respect, she said, technology has changed so much since our previous books were published—everyone texts constantly now and thinks nothing of friending guys and tweeting all day long, so how was it going to all work out for a Rules Girl like her?
Another client called with similar questions, and then another client and another, and then our own daughters and their friends were asking us questions, so we knew we had to address these issues—we knew we had to write this book! Everything is different now, and more instantaneous, so how could The Rules possibly apply?
We remember back in 1995 when readers labeling themselves feminists scoffed at the idea of not calling men and rarely returning their calls. Now not calling men first is considered normal!
While this book is for a new generation, nothing has changed about what women want in a relationship: to be able to trust that a guy loves them for who they are, and to know that he will be there for them. The Rules still apply!
We finally decided to write this book when Heather, twenty-six, e-mailed us about what she thought was a life-altering dating experience. Heather had met a really cute guy at an upscale bar the night before. The next day he had texted her three times before 5 p.m. We were impressed. Three times? “Yeah, I lost my phone. By the time I found it after work the next day, there were three texts from him. The first message was ‘hey, it’s Cory from last night, great meeting you, text me back when you get a chance.’ The second was ‘are you doing anything tonight?’ And the third said, ‘are you free this weekend?’ I can’t believe I got asked out on a date this soon, I guess he really likes me!”
We told Heather to text him back that night, “Hey, nice meeting you too. This weekend is great.” She did not have to divulge that she lost her phone. This way Cory would think that she had other things going on besides him, so he could get used to having to pin her down. Once you text a new guy back immediately, he begins to expect it all the time and the thrill of the chase is gone.
Had she not lost her phone, Heather and Cory would probably have texted back and forth all day and he might have gotten bored and not have been so quick to ask her out. But not having instant access was a breath of fresh air and made him act fast. Heather got to know right away how this guy felt instead of wondering how he felt, and also wondering why all the marathon text chatting wasn’t leading to a date! What Not Your Mother’s Rules can do for you is similar to the effect of losing your phone for a few hours here and there. It will help you create an air of mystery and a rare longing from guys.
We also felt compelled to write this book because many of the women who used The Rules to get married almost twenty years ago want to see their friends, sisters, and nieces in healthy relationships, or at least not getting hurt unnecessarily by men. They want other women to experience the same happiness they themselves found by dating with self-esteem and boundaries. Older women who are divorced and now back in the dating game or women who have never been in a Rules relationship often call us to say how confused they are about e-mailing, texting, and other technology, so we wrote this book to help them as well.
Additionally, many mothers are understandably nervous about how to deal with their daughters dating and feel helpless or out of touch (“She never tells me anything!”). We have also written this book for them, including a special chapter teaching them to help their daughters do The Rules without forcing it on them. Our Rules for Mothers will help them encourage their daughters to confide in them and ask for advice instead of shutting them out of their lives. We hope all women, especially daughters and mothers, bond over this book!
Remember, The Rules are an ageless, timeless recipe for romantic relationships. Follow The Rules and you get a guy who is crazy about you. Break The Rules and you get heartache. Whether you are eighteen or twenty-eight or forty-eight years old, we believe all the answers to your dating dilemmas can be found in this book. Not sure how to act or how to dress on dates? See Rule #1 and Rule #2 about being and looking like a Creature Unlike Any Other. Not sure when and how to text a guy back? See Rule #6, with our tried-and-true reply timetable. Not sure about splitting the check or how long to Skype or what to write on a guy’s wall? See our chapters on not buying his love (Rule #19), long-distance relationships (Rule #15), and Facebook (Rule #10). We’ve covered it all! We’ve also included special commentary from our daughters, who grew up with The Rules and can help you apply them to a younger generation and the latest technology. Sometimes a twentysomething can best understand what another twentysomething is going through. We felt it was essential that our daughters weigh in with their unique perspective on the dating dilemmas facing their age group.
If you want to get the full benefit of this book, don’t just read it—read it over and over again. Study it like a textbook. You might even want to highlight sentences that help you remember each Rule. You might want to meet up with other Rules-minded girlfriends on a regular basis to discuss the book and go over your dating problems and our answers as a group—there is strength in numbers! You might want to tear out key pages to put in your bag so you can quickly glance at them in the bathroom on dates.
Without further ado, we present Not Your Mother’s Rules!