Chapter III

Hug Your Daughter and Other Rules for Mothers

IF YOU’RE READING this chapter, you are probably wondering how you can help your daughter with dating, no matter how old she is. You are an important part of this book—you can influence her in a way no one else can! In fact, during consultations we always ask our clients, “What does your mother think of this relationship?” because we value her opinion and perspective. Perhaps you have tried to help by giving your daughter a copy of The Rules. Perhaps you have tried to lead by example, by being Rules-y in your own relationships. Mothers have written to us or scheduled consultations about their daughters. Many were frustrated watching them break Rules or act out or by the way their boyfriends were treating them. Sometimes they were concerned that their daughters had no boyfriends at all. But like with anything else, these mothers sometimes had to wait until their daughters were ready to listen. We tell them the same things we tell clients: in order for The Rules to help, their daughters have to want to use them, and they must trust their mothers to steer them on the right path.

The first and most important thing you can do to help your daughter is to be there for her. We have interviewed hundreds of young women and have come to the conclusion that those who became promiscuous or acted out sexually did so because they did not get enough attention, affection, or approval growing up. As part of our private consultations, we offer childhood and dating history sessions and have been shocked to find out how many of our clients who have trouble dating had disapproving or absentee mothers. Some mothers rarely hugged their daughters or gave loving or encouraging words, or were too busy and just not home that much. There were few bedtime stories, brownie-baking sessions, or back rubs. Some mothers were even resentful that they had to work full-time and raise a daughter, so they treated her like a burden or nuisance. Others were just having a difficult time of their own, whether divorce, a serious illness, or something else, and did the best they could. Obviously, we feel that daughters would grow up a lot better if their mothers showered them with praise and love.

Jillian, thirty-three, who recently found The Rules, told us that her mother was so emotionally uninterested in her that she never felt attractive or desirable. In college and in her twenties, she was flattered by the slightest interest from guys, like her married boss and guys who never asked her out. She had little or no interest in guys who did like her, because she was so obsessed with the ones who didn’t. We spent hours helping her recover from her mother’s indifference and teaching her our motto to “love only those who love you.” We suggested she join a Rules support group so she could meet other Rules Girls who cared about her situation and stop bad dating patterns. We sent her e-mail links to pretty clothes and gave her advice on how to act on dates. Years after having given up on dating, Jillian joined an online dating website and started to go to clubs and parties. She is now in a serious relationship with a guy who spoke to her first and texts her, “Good morning Gorgeous!” every day.

If you are a mother who has been too busy for your daughter for whatever reason and she seems to have gone astray or you are afraid she might, the solution is love, love, love! All you need is love! If she lives at home, start hugging her today and every day going forward. It is never too late to show affection. Rub her back, brush her hair, kiss her cheek—daughters need to be fussed over. Every day that you hug your daughter is insurance that she won’t be looking for love in all the wrong places. She’s getting affection from either you or some stranger. Let it be you! Physical contact is that important. We know you are busy, between work and cleaning and paying bills and checking e-mails on your cell phone, but it takes only a minute to text your daughter in the middle of the day. Have lunch with her, go see a chick flick together, or take her shopping! Everyone is busy, everyone has long to-do lists, and no one has any time, but if you don’t make time for your daughter now, she will have plenty of time for trouble. It’s never too late to be a good mom.

How can you spend time with her if she’s not around? If she’s in college, ask if there is a weekend or weekday when her workload is light and you can visit. Volunteer to take her friends out to dinner so you can get to know them, which will help you better understand her. If she’s working, do the same: see if there’s a day off or weekend that you could make a girls’ day for just you two. Don’t beg or burden her if she can’t make the time; just letting her know you want to will help her see that you care.

If you are a single mother, you may feel that your love alone is not enough. Don’t worry about that. A child can thrive with only one loving parent. One of our clients had a rageaholic father who never said a kind word to her, but her mother showered her with compliments and kisses. She married someone who tells her she is beautiful all the time! So don’t think your daughter is seriously disadvantaged because you’re her only loving parent. You alone can make a difference.

Further, if you want your daughter to date with self-esteem, you need to practice what you preach! In addition to following The Rules, that means not introducing her to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you meet. Wait until you are in a serious, committed, and exclusive relationship before having your daughter meet anyone. Keep the first meeting brief and lengthen them gradually.

Remember that young women can be sensitive and needy. You should try to give them attention so they don’t feel cast aside or on their own. Making your boyfriend overly important at their expense is a terrible mistake. It’s a balancing act, but you have to figure out a way to make your child feel loved.

At the same time, exercise some restraint. If your daughter is twenty-five or thirty years old and you don’t like the way she dresses or the guys she dates, be careful not to criticize her too much; she will be much more likely to come to you if she ever needs help. If she thinks you are judgmental or controlling, she will rebel or be secretive. There is only so much you can control once your daughter reaches a certain age, so tread softly.

We all know mothers who are overly involved in their daughters’ lives. They live vicariously through their daughters, wanting them to be beauty pageant queens or the most popular girl in high school. Or they friend their daughters’ girlfriends and guy friends and boyfriend on Facebook, even when their daughters specifically asked them not to. These examples of overinvolvement, intrusiveness, and excessive attention are not healthy either. Being an “agent” mom or “friend” mom is better than being an absentee mom, but it can still backfire. A teenager needs love more than she needs to be pushed to have perfect grades or long fake eyelashes or to be cheer captain. Is that what she wants? She can make her own decisions and has to make her own mistakes. The best thing for you to do is be there when she needs you—to advise her, to console her, and to celebrate with her. But it’s her life. If she grows up too fast, she will have a hole in her soul that she will want to fill with bad relationships.

Our Rules in this chapter apply to dads every bit as much as they apply to moms. Let’s be honest, every dad wants his daughter to be a Rules Girl! He wants her to date with self-respect and not to chase guys or go on booty calls. What father would want his daughter seeing a guy 24/7 or sleeping around? We have had clients in college tell us that their dads bought them The Rules or paid for a consultation with us. We know dads care about how their daughters date, and that’s why we wanted to include them in this chapter.

We’ve interviewed many dads and frankly feel they could have helped us write The Rules! One father told his twenty-year-old daughter, “Don’t call guys, don’t chase guys, and I have to meet the guy when he picks you up. He has to look me in the eye, and if he doesn’t, he’s hiding something.” Not all dads are this involved or vocal, nor do their daughters want them to be! But we think dads can help their daughters do The Rules by giving them this book and by treating women with love and respect. We even know happily married men who told their daughters, “Just copy your mom. I dated many women, but she got me to marry her!”

We don’t suggest scaring daughters into Rules-y behavior by saying that all guys just want one thing or by acting unapproachable and judgmental. Remember, dads, you want your daughters to be able to talk to you if they are not sure what to do or are in trouble. If you help her with dating now, you can breathe a sigh of relief when you proudly walk her down the aisle at her wedding!

Moms and dads, if you want to help your daughter have self-esteem and avoid dating problems down the road, here are our suggestions:

• Give her a copy of Not Your Mother’s Rules if you haven’t already, as well as The Rules. Many of you contacted us saying that your mother gave you The Rules and you tried to pass down these words of wisdom to your daughters. But they read it and said, “What’s an answering machine? This is so 1950s. Dating is harder now.” So here’s our response to that argument. Just tell her that chasing guys doesn’t work and then let it go. Either she takes to it or she doesn’t—and even if she doesn’t now, she still may later on.

• Speak frankly about sex. Tell her that sex between a man and a woman is a beautiful thing, that anything you do when you are in love is wonderful and special, but that random hookups are unfulfilling acts of desperation. You do not have to have a formal sex talk, but you should not pretend that sex doesn’t exist. Watch a chick flick together and ask her questions about characters in the movie to lessen the intensity of the subject. Sex and the City is always useful to discuss this topic. Ask her if Carrie should have waited so long for Mr. Big or what she thinks of Samantha’s casual relationships with men. Ask her which of the four main characters is her role model. Just get a conversation going—young women are reluctant to answer direct questions about their dating life, but they might open up if you talk about it this way.

• Don’t react or overreact when your daughter tells you something you don’t like. Some mothers complain that their daughters never tell them anything, and we know why they don’t. Because their mothers scream, “You did what?!” and go crazy on them, the daughters clam up. If you want your daughter to talk to you, to tell you what she’s doing as well as her innermost thoughts, secrets, and fears, be calm in the face of the storm. Don’t be judgmental and scare her away. If she tells you, “I’m dating a guy who you may not like” or “I lost my virginity” or “I’m pregnant” or “I think I’m gay,” just say, “I’m so glad you told me. I love and support you no matter what. It’s your life, so how would you like to handle it?” Let her feel safe with you by not being critical. Say what you mean, but don’t be mean. Sometimes children act out to get a rise out of their parents—if you don’t react, they won’t have a reason to act out, and they will confide in you more often. This way of parenting also means not imposing your will on her by telling her who to date or to “marry a doctor” or whatever you think is best for her.

• Do The Rules on your daughter. We know that sounds kind of funny, but it’s true! Don’t be pushy. Don’t bombard her with a million questions. Also, if your daughter asks you not to write on her Facebook wall, don’t do it. You need to respect her boundaries. If you are intrusive, she might start keeping secrets.

• Spend time together. If you want your daughter to turn out great, don’t give her just material things. Give her yourself and your time. Go to the movies or shopping, get manicures and pedicures, cook or bake together, rent bicycles, or go jogging. Have favorite TV shows that the two of you watch together. Never be too busy for your daughter.

• Teach your daughter about manners and makeup. We are surprised to find out in childhood consultations that some mothers didn’t teach their daughters anything about clothes, hair, and makeup, much less about etiquette and manners. They never played with their hair or painted their toenails or let them borrow their handbags and shoes. If you are letting TV shows and magazines raise your daughter, don’t be shocked if she dresses inappropriately or wears too much makeup. If you didn’t teach her these things when she was younger, start now. Over a school vacation or holiday from work, plan a makeover day. If she’s shy, do it for both of you so she doesn’t feel too much in the spotlight. If she likes being the center of attention, make it all about her: hair, makeup, clothes. You don’t have to spend lots of money, but make her see that she can look great and that you think she looks great. Show that you value her opinion by asking her for outfit advice. If she feels confident, she’ll look confident, and that is a key to doing The Rules!

• Don’t resent her. Some mothers are a little (or very) jealous that their daughters seem to have it easier than they did. They feel competitive with them, sometimes even trying to dress like teenagers themselves. Or they simply resent raising a daughter instead of chasing their own dreams. If you feel this way, you may need to get help. Professional or not, you need to talk to someone so you don’t take out your anger on her. Shouldn’t your daughter have a better life than you? As her mother, your job is to give her what you didn’t have, not to be withholding. Don’t say, “My mother never said I was pretty” or “Be grateful. I never had ballet classes!” Instead, be thankful your daughter doesn’t have the emotional or financial hardships you had. Why should she suffer because you did? Give her the best life you can and don’t throw jabs at her. We’re not saying you must spoil her, but give her love and attention and whatever she needs. Rest assured, she will call you more often and visit you when you are older. This love will pay off in a healthy, happy life for her—and isn’t that what we want for our children?

• Set limits. Parents who let their children do anything they want are not always doing them a favor. Young women especially need boundaries in a society that glamorizes rudeness, random hookups, spiked heels, and teen pregnancies. Limits equal love. Feel free to say, “Can you please wear a tank top under that see-through shirt?” or “You cannot get tattoos or a nose ring as long as you are living under my roof” or “If you want to smoke, you have to do it outside” or “You cannot have your boyfriend over if I’m not home” or “You can stay out until midnight on the weekends.” Be their parent, not their friend. Kids actually want some rules. Too much freedom is scary for them and can cause problems later on.