IN OUR FIRST book, we told you not to speak to guys first—not even an innocent “Hi” or “What time is it?” Doing so not only shows interest, but goes against the natural order of dating: the guy pursuing the girl. If you speak to or text a guy first, that’s making the first move, so how will you ever know if he would have reached out on his own? You won’t—and that’s the problem!
The intention behind talking to or texting a guy first falls into three basic categories. The first and worst is to create a relationship. The second and more subtle is to remind him that you exist, or even ask him out, if you don’t hear from him after a date. The third is to get closure because you haven’t heard from him in a while. All three are pretexts for making things happen or keeping a relationship going, and totally against The Rules.
Talking to or texting a guy first may make you feel cool, but essentially you’re just getting in the back door, creating a relationship that may never have happened otherwise. He may date you because he is flattered or bored or because you’re nice, but he probably isn’t truly crazy about you. You might get mixed messages from him—sometimes he acts interested, sometimes he forgets you exist—but that isn’t a Rules relationship. When a guy talks to you or texts you first, he is never ambivalent. He is always interested and always in touch. If you talk to or text a guy first and end up in a relationship with him, you might be confused when he eventually ends it, but trust us, it’s because you made the first move.
In a Rules relationship, a guy contacts you after a date to ask you out again. You never need to text him first at any point, because he is always texting you about the next date. So if you don’t hear from him again, the relationship is over and contacting him to keep it going (“Had a great time, thanks for dinner!” or “Haven’t heard from you, is everything okay?”) is a ruse that won’t work. Your tactics might extend the relationship briefly, but eventually he will end it by never texting you again. Save yourself time and heartache by not texting a guy first—ever. This Rule also applies to instant messages, Facebook, and e-mails, as we will discuss in later chapters.
You might be thinking, “Seriously? Even today a guy still has to reach out to me first?” or “Everything is more casual these days. This generation is different!” We understand how you feel. It may seem crazy or way too strict not to talk to or text guys first, but it really works! When we told women fifteen-plus years ago not to initiate a relationship by speaking to or calling men first, they also reacted with utter shock. But they quickly got over it when they realized the results.
Sometimes successful women are the biggest Rules-breakers. They argue that their MBA or graduate degrees give them license to pursue men like they pursue careers and condos. But a Rules-y businesswoman knows that work and love are just not the same. TV sensation Bethenny Frankel is a perfect example. Frankel pursued everything in her life—a reality show, books, DVDs, and a beverage business—but she did not pursue her husband, Jason Hoppy. Frankel told the New York Times that Hoppy walked up to her and spoke to her first at a club, despite the swarm of photographers vying for her attention. If letting a guy make the first move is good enough for this TV powerhouse, it’s good enough for you!
Unfortunately, many smart young women find this Rule out the hard way. Abby, a twenty-one-year-old journalism major, thought The Rules were so yesterday. She had read our first book in her freshman year, but didn’t feel it applied to her because she liked doing her own thing. So when David walked into the bar and didn’t come over to her, she went over to him. She thought, “What’s the worst that can happen?” She liked everything about David’s look, from his long, wavy hair to his Polo shirt with the collar up to his sports jacket and L.L.Bean loafers. He was “exactly her type,” she told us.
She said “Hey” and nothing more. David said “Hey” back and bought her a drink. They talked for two hours and “had insane chemistry.” They liked the same music (Coldplay), food (sushi), vacation spot (Bermuda), sport (basketball), and TV shows (Mad Men and Law & Order). They “even held hands for a few minutes” before saying good-bye. She felt chills going up and down her spine. This guy could be The One! They exchanged numbers and he said he would call her.
The next day he texted her, “Nice meeting you. Just moved into a great one-bedroom. What do you think of coming over one night? I’ll cook.” Abby wrote back two minutes later, “Sure, when?” David wrote back two minutes later, “Busy with new job, will get back to you” and then he didn’t write back for a week. When he wrote next, it was late at night from work. Abby’s best non-Rules friend suggested she ask him how his job was going. She told her, “If he’s so busy with his new job, it would be nice of you to ask.” So Abby texted him, “Is your new job really stressful?” and he wrote back, “Yes, thanks for asking,” but never followed through on his invite.
Abby contacted us, confused about why David dropped the ball. She toyed with the idea of sending him another friendly text, but decided to e-mail us instead. She didn’t understand why he would suggest getting together and not follow through, especially when she had been so nurturing. She was sure that she had found her perfect soul mate and couldn’t figure out what went wrong.
We carefully went over the whole evening and explained that he may have been her exact look and personality type, but apparently she was not his. If she had been, he would have walked over to her, spoken to her first, and followed up with a real date. Because she spoke to him first, she created an interaction that may never have happened, and because she kept it going, she was completely baffled as to why he was not more responsive. But we aren’t! The reason you shouldn’t speak to a guy first is to find out what he will do on his own. If a guy doesn’t make the first move, he doesn’t make other things happen either, like texts and calls and actual dates. A guy you speak to first will let the ball drop because he never wanted that ball to begin with—he was just being polite or was flattered. Playing by this Rule, you get to see if he would have approached you, a short brunette, the tall blonde across the room, or no one at all because he has a girlfriend and just wanted to have a drink. Abby was crushed to hear the truth, but she conceded that we were right and that’s why David had disappeared into thin air. And by the way, she never heard from him again.
Perhaps you’re thinking, “Of course I would never speak to a guy first like Abby did—or even call a guy because that seems aggressive—but texting is different. Everyone texts these days.” We get it and you can totally text a guy back, as you’ll see in Rule #3, but you cannot text a guy first.
Now let’s go over the second texting intention we mentioned earlier. What if a guy spoke to you first, called you first, and took you out on a date, but then you didn’t hear from him again? Would it be okay to shoot him a quick text, “Hey, I had a fun time with u. How are u? What happened with your promotion?” No, it would not. Such a message would make it obvious that you are looking to make contact and waiting for him to ask you out again. Be honest with yourself and don’t text him first after a date!
Like it or not, after a date, you have to wait for a guy to reach out and ask you out again. You cannot remind him that you exist. If you text him without hearing from him first, you will prolong a relationship that may actually be over. If he doesn’t call or text you after the date, it’s not because he is too busy at work, his dog is sick, he is relocating, or he’s visiting his cousin in the hospital—he’s just not interested. Hence, no text.
Women might argue, “But how will he know I like him if I don’t text him to follow up after a date?” He will know you like him because you went on the date with him and you will return his text. To text first is to initiate contact. He may feel flattered for a minute, but then he will feel bored and move on to the next girl he really wanted and texted first.
Women who have a crush become positively ingenious when it comes to finding reasons to text a guy first. They want to thank him for drinks or dinner. They want to invite him to hear their friend’s band play at a club. They conveniently have two courtside tickets to his favorite basketball team or to a Broadway show he casually mentioned. They are going to be in his neighborhood or near his office and want to stop by. They are thinking about joining his gym and wanted to get a quick tour. Their friends are throwing them a thirtieth-birthday party and they want to send him an Evite. They want to wish him a safe trip to California. The list goes on and on. The bottom line is you have to restrain yourself from texting a guy first for any reason. It is pursuing, it doesn’t work, and it is a waste of time.
Mandy, a twenty-six-year-old nurse, e-mailed us asking if she could text a guy who she had been on and off with for a year (a scenario no Rules Girl would put up with!) to say their favorite group was playing in Atlantic City. “I won’t call him, but can I just shoot him a quick text? Would that be so bad? New Year’s Eve is coming up and I really want a date.” We went over the whole relationship. They were introduced at a party and talked for three hours that night. He told her he had just ended a relationship and was “not looking for anything serious.” They hooked up about eight times after that, all last-minute dinners and booty calls. The last time she heard from him had been two months earlier when he needed to vent about his ex. After he vented, they had sex.
Of course she shouldn’t contact him! A text would inevitably lead to a flurry of friendly messages and last-minute dates—and if she wanted a serious relationship, this wasn’t it. It would be obvious that the text was just an excuse to contact him because New Year’s Eve was two weeks away and she didn’t have a date. Furthermore, we explained that if she texted him and he wrote back, she would be getting the false impression that he was interested. Then her fantasy relationship would continue, preventing her from meeting guys who were truly interested in her and asking her out every week. Mandy agreed but then asked if she could at least send him one last text saying the relationship wasn’t working for her and to never contact her again.
Still no! Closure is yet another excuse women use to get in touch with a guy and is not The Rules. Believe it or not, you actually have to wait until a guy texts you to turn him down or dump him so you can get your closure. Mandy fought a good fight but finally agreed that her motive should be to play hard to get. Obviously, though, you can’t play hard to get with a guy who is not trying to get you. After e-mailing us and not texting her fantasy guy, Mandy joined a gym and signed up for an online dating site. Ultimately, not texting him was liberating: she gave up a bad habit and made room for better things.
Closure is one of the biggest fake reasons women give for making contact with a guy they never had a serious relationship with. They have been on only a few dates and then have not heard from him in weeks or months—he is probably dating someone else—but they need their closure anyway. (In our first book and in Rule #31, we explain when a call or text for closure is appropriate.) Closure for a guy is never calling or texting or seeing a girl again. A guy doesn’t need a final conversation or text chat. In his mind, it’s just over—that’s good enough for him. But for many women, a relationship is not technically over until they have gotten everything off their chest. One woman we know texted a guy who ended their one-month relationship, saying that she felt used and accusing him of stringing her along, even though he never said they were exclusive or told her he loved her. She felt she couldn’t move on without saying those things to him. We would have told her to write it but never hit the send button.
When you finally stop making excuses to text a guy first, you will be on your way to becoming a Rules Girl. At first you may feel empty, the way you feel when you start sticking to your diet and skip dessert, but when you don’t give in to the temptation, you will feel empowered and free. You may be able to bluff yourself and well-meaning friends with reasons to text a guy, but no Rules Girl would buy into it. It’s so much better getting a text from a guy than sending one!