IT CAN BE difficult to follow this Rule because we are essentially telling you to be passive about dating, while you are powerful in so many other areas of your life. You may have a master’s degree and an expense account. You may be president of your sorority. You may have your own blog and hundreds of Twitter followers. You may sit on the board of your condo association. You may fly business class to Europe for sales meetings.
But here, we are telling you that you cannot even suggest having coffee with a guy. Remember, the premise of The Rules is that men and women are not the same romantically. Men love a challenge and the feeling of pursuing. A woman can be as smart or smarter than a man; she can make the same money as a man or even more money than him; she can get a job doing whatever she wants—but when it comes to dating, she cannot be the aggressor without eventually regretting it. Just like texting or talking to a guy first, asking them out destroys the chase and rarely works out, as men know exactly what their type/look is and go after it. If you ask a guy out, he may say yes to be polite, for sex, or out of boredom, but eventually he will drop you for the girl he really likes.
Most women agree that it would be unfeminine and potentially embarrassing to ask a guy out on a formal Saturday night date, but they rationalize asking guys out on other nights of the week and on dates that might not be so obvious. A girl might text a guy and his group of friends, “Hey, why don’t you all come to the pre-game at my apartment?” and not think she is asking him out. She may secretly be hosting this pre-game or throwing her BFF a thirtieth-birthday party just so she can invite her crush and think nothing of it. She might e-mail that cute guy from English Lit class and say, “Hey, do you want to go over our essays together?” Or if she knows he likes a particular sports team, she might say, “We’re all watching the Giants game at Maggie’s later—want to come hang out?” Sure, it’s not formal, it’s for a specific reason, and it’s in a group setting, but none of these details change the fact that you are asking him out.
Women come up with all kinds of excuses to see guys they like. They are having a Super Bowl party, even though they’ve never watched a football game in their life. They are having an Oscar party in their apartment or a fund-raiser for some rare disease. Their power is out and they are frightened. Would he mind coming over? Their computer is down and they can’t get their printer set up. Could he take a quick look? These are all subtle ways of getting a guy to be with them; they may not be as blatant as suggesting getting together for drinks or dinner, but they still don’t work. Some women spend hours on the phone with their girlfriends concocting the perfect reason to reach out to a guy!
Women asking guys out under the guise of being cool and casual is all too common. Amber, thirty, met Jeremy, thirty-three, at a party. Jeremy spoke to her first, got her number, and texted her to meet for drinks later in the week. He also friended her on Facebook. They met for drinks and then she never heard from him again. Amber really liked him and desperately wanted to figure out a way to contact him again that wasn’t too obvious. She knew she couldn’t ask him out on a date, but she thought it wouldn’t be so bad to message him on Facebook about her BFF’s upcoming Christmas party, which they had schemed to throw for the sole purpose of seeing him again. She wrote, “Thanks for drinks. Not sure what you are doing Friday night, but my friend is having a big party. Let me know if you want to join me—no pressure!” Amber spent half an hour crafting the perfect Facebook message with her friend so she did not sound like she was asking him out! Two minutes later Jeremy wrote back, “Cool, would love to come.” He showed up and they had a great time—but she still never heard from him again after that.
That’s when Amber e-mailed us for help. We explained that the relationship was over when she didn’t hear from him after drinks. Facebook messaging him an invitation to the party was asking him out and was against The Rules. Just because it was via the internet and not for a Saturday night dinner date does not mean it was okay. If it’s not his idea to hang out with you, then you’re asking him out. Most importantly, you’re forcing the relationship to carry on longer than it should.
Let’s be honest here! If you have to figure out ways to make a guy be with you, the relationship won’t hold up long term. Amber later found out—through Facebook—that Jeremy and his ex-girlfriend were back together and that was why he never asked her out again. There is always a reason, which is why Rules Girls don’t try to make anything happen!
Short term, sure, a guy will take you up on the party or movie or study session. But he won’t be coming for you! Guys will see through these contrived invitations eventually and start to think “desperate” or “aggressive.” They will want the girl who is invariably too busy to ask them out or barely seems to notice them!
Remember, a guy likes who he likes and an invitation to a game or party won’t change that. If you’re his type/look and somewhat of a challenge, he will find you and ask you out. Even if he thinks you’re pretty, but not the type he goes for, nothing will make a difference in how he feels about you. The sooner you accept this truth, the sooner you will become a Rules Girl!
As unfair and unfeminist as it sounds, a woman can do absolutely nothing to start a relationship. We understand it’s frustrating for many women, especially movers and shakers. Some argue, “What’s the worst that can happen, that he will say no to drinks—so what?” Wrong. The worst that can happen is that he will say yes and date you, have sex with you, and lead you to believe that you are in a relationship. But eventually he will dump you for the girl he really likes. So you will have wasted time and possibly gotten your heart broken. We cannot stress this point enough: men were born to do the asking!
So if you have any thoughts of sending that Evite to a guy or quick text to invite him and his friends to drinks after work, think twice—and don’t do it! Any energy that is going into manipulating guys to be with you should be used to create your online dating profile and to go to clubs, bars, parties, and singles events where you can meet guys who ask you out. Like it or not, being the one asked out, not the asker, is the only way it works with men!