WOMEN ARE OFTEN insulted when we tell them not to spill too much on the first few dates or in texts or in general. They argue, “But how will he get to know me? How will he find out how smart or funny I am? More importantly, how will we get close?” And with all the latest technology at their disposal, they have even more ways to talk to guys and break The Rules than ever before! Our answer is always: slowly! In the first week, a new guy should know only a few facts about you, like where you go to school or work and what you like to do for fun. As the relationship progresses, you can tell him a little bit more about yourself, like tidbits about your family and friends. He should be asking you a lot of questions to get you to talk, not getting bored by long stories. Giving him too much information shows that you are eager or nervous—and perhaps have not been on many dates lately!
If you want to bond with a guy, talk and text less and laugh and listen more. The less you talk, the more he will open up and the more he will wonder what you are thinking about. Everyone loves a good listener. Besides, guys are used to having their ears chewed off by women! He’ll be pleasantly surprised if you are not a chatterbox or a marathon texter or Facebook junkie… at any age!
The best way to make sure you don’t overshare is to keep the dates short—see Rule #7. If you are going on marathon dates (drinks, more drinks at another bar, dinner, dessert, movie, party, club), you are more likely to tell your whole life story. Another way to avoid talking too much is not to drink or to have only one alcoholic beverage. When you have two or more drinks or start to get tipsy, you will often say (and do) more than you want to and even embarrass yourself, but we’ll get to that in Rule #21.
You might think we are asking you to be superficial, but anything is better than baring your soul. Many women make the mistake of telling way too much way too soon, as if the date were a therapy session, thinking they will bond over these revelations. But in the beginning, a guy isn’t even your friend yet. Until you have been seeing each other for a few months and he has said he likes you a lot and you are exclusive, your childhood and innermost feelings are none of his business. Even then, keep diary-type stuff to yourself or to your girlfriends!
When you do interact, whether by text, on a date, or otherwise, there is much to stay away from, too. Do not bring up words like “love,” “marriage,” “engagement,” “wedding,” or “babies.” Don’t tell him that you just watched The Notebook for the fifteenth time. Do not tell or text him that your twin sister is getting married and you are looking for a date to the wedding. Do not text him that your other sister is pregnant with a girl and you can’t wait to have a niece. Do not message him on Facebook that your younger brother is in rehab, so you are busy next weekend with family visiting day. Do not tell or text him that your parents got divorced when you were five and you do not really talk to or see that much of your dad, who left your mom for a younger woman. Do not tell or text him that you are still paying off your college loans and are just making ends meet and that’s why you can’t split the check. Besides, the reason you don’t split the check is because you are a Rules Girl and it is his pleasure to take you out and pay! More on that later. Dating is not an open forum! Ditto for using information from his Facebook page to make conversation on dates. Doing so will put you in the category of social networking stalker, as we said in Rule #9.
Don’t tell him anything unflattering in any area of your life, like that you flunked physics or that your parents pulled strings to get you your job. Do not tell him you had a fight with your roommate and had to sleep somewhere else. We are not telling you to lie and say you went to Harvard if you didn’t, but you don’t have to volunteer bad stuff. It’s none of his business.
Do not share any childhood traumas or tell him that you are in therapy or that you see a life coach. In other words, do not get too deep too soon. Intensity will scare a guy away in the early months of dating.
Do not tell him all about your past relationships and what went wrong and what you are looking for now. Do not tell him when or how you lost your virginity or that your ex cheated on you or anything negative about your dating life. Some women think that dating is truth serum and text or message a guy on Facebook that they haven’t had a boyfriend or sex in three years. TMI! We said not to talk too much on dates—we didn’t say not to think! Once your personal life is out there, especially in writing, it can’t be taken back.
Also, don’t fill in lulls in the conversation. Trying to fill in the silences reeks of desperation and shows that you are trying too hard. Making jokes or trying to entertain him with funny stories and anecdotes shows too much interest. You don’t want him to know how much you care about him or think that you are the funny girl instead of the intriguing girl. Remember, sometimes when there is silence, it’s because he’s thinking how pretty you are when your bangs fall into your eyes or even imagining what you look like naked.
In the beginning, a guy might give you the impression that he loves to talk and e-mail and text a lot, too. He might go along with three-hour Skype chats and marathon textfests and Facebook chats that go into the middle of the night, and you will convince yourself that this guy is different from other guys and actually likes to talk. But you will be wrong. One day he will dump you and block you on Facebook and you will have no idea why—but we do. You interacted or talked too much in the first few weeks!
Allie, a twenty-three-year-old graduate student in Middle Eastern studies, met Ori, a cute Israeli resident, on a work-study program. He spoke to her first, and in just a matter of weeks, their relationship became fast and furious. Many nights they talked until 2 a.m. about politics and science. They hung out in coffee shops for hours and she said they had “amazing sex.” After two months of dating, he said, “Let’s keep in touch” and even suggested she visit him again during her winter break. Allie interpreted this sudden togetherness as true love. So when she flew back to Boston, she didn’t think twice about texting him and e-mailing him and chatting with him on Facebook.
Allie confidently thought, “This is great. I can talk to him whenever I want about whatever I want. Maybe I will move to Israel one day.” They Skyped for hours and exchanged long, loving e-mails. He asked her what her favorite flower was, they wrote each other poems, and she e-mailed him articles and endearing texts that started with “Happy Monday!” She even Evited him to her birthday party and when he couldn’t make it, she said, “No worries, I will FaceTime you in.” She wrote on his wall, “You make me happy!”
Two weeks after Allie returned, Ori began answering fewer and fewer texts. Then one day Allie stopped hearing from him altogether. She got his voice mail every time she called. He wasn’t returning her e-mails. She couldn’t find him on Facebook and got worried. She thought maybe he had taken his account down, but then she called her BFF to check and found out his profile was still up—he had blocked her! Allie was in shock when she called us. She couldn’t believe that what was a soul connection for her was just a fling for him. We told her that had she not talked to him so much through so many different technologies, she would have found out sooner that he was not that interested. Or, had she followed The Rules and disappeared, he would have been more into her. When you act aloof in the beginning about a guy who initially likes you, he starts to pick up the pace: “Hey, are you okay? Are we okay? What are you up to? What are you doing for winter break? I have two weeks off and frequent-flier miles.”
The lesson here? Being available 24/7 can be the kiss of death. We told Allie what we tell all our clients: when you meet your soul mate, get really busy in between dates and keep the conversation light and breezy. If a guy says, “What’s your favorite food?” you can say, “Sushi, what about you?” to be polite and find out more about him. But don’t ask anything serious, like “Why did you and your last girlfriend break up?” or “Where do you see yourself after grad school?” It is too clear that you like him and want to know about his past and future and where you might fit into it.
Less is always more with men! You can talk and text your guts out to your girlfriends, your therapist, your life coach, even a coworker or stranger at the gym, but you can’t talk, text, tweet, e-mail, or otherwise interact with a guy too much without overwhelming him and possibly driving him away. If you want a guy to miss and pursue you, disappear in between dates!