THESE DAYS, NO one is separated by more than six degrees. The world may have more people in it, but it’s definitely getting smaller; everyone is a friend of a friend—of a friend. With all this connecting and reconnecting, you can suddenly be linked to nine hundred people and not even think twice about it!
But some women are using and abusing social networking sites to “meet” a guy’s friends or family before he has made an official introduction. They feel that getting friendly with his people will bring them closer to him or help seal the deal. We understand the temptation to put his buddies, coworkers, mother, sister, or cousin on your radar, but it’s a big mistake to make the first move into his world without his say-so. His friends and family might find it aggressive or even weird and creepy for you to invade their cyberspace—and it could backfire if they tell him that.
What’s so bad about sending his mom a Facebook message to ask about her chicken soup recipe? Where’s the harm in posting on his frat brother’s wall how awesome their party was last weekend? Much like writing on his wall, in such situations you’re pursuing his people, which is totally against The Rules. It can be interpreted as borderline stalker-ish and might scare him away. It will make a guy, even one who initially pursued you, feel suffocated. You appear too involved in his business when you should barely notice who his friends are! It’s like ringing his best friend’s doorbell when you happen to be walking by instead of waiting for the guy you are dating to introduce you. It has pushy and eager written all over it! You want the guy you are dating to introduce you when he is ready, and accept their friend requests when they are ready to make them. That way he is more likely to preface his introduction with “This is the girl I’ve been telling you so much about,” as opposed to “This is the girl who friended you and has been begging to meet you.”
The key is that you have to do The Rules not only on him but also on his friends and family—he and anyone in his world must make the first move, online and off. You get to keep your own life, friends, and interests, and are able to avoid losing yourself in his. Don’t message his seventeen-year-old sister on Facebook, “Text me if you want someone to go shopping with for a prom dress.” She has her brother’s ear and will tell him if she thinks it’s weird! Instead, you should be hitting the mall with your own girlfriends on the weekend. Give time and attention to the important people in your world, not his!
This kind of aggressive behavior doesn’t always involve friends and family, though. Some women always conveniently have extra hockey tickets and think nothing of wanting to ask the guy they are dating to join them for the game. Has he invited you anywhere like that yet? If he’s taken you out only to drinks or to dinner, then the answer is no. Inviting a guy to a concert, sporting event, or family/work event is taking the relationship to the next level, not to mention asking him out. An overture of this kind is not The Rules. Take a friend or coworker—anybody but him!
If you are going to a wedding, you might want to invite the guy you are seeing as your plus one. Has he ever invited you as his date to an event? If not, take anybody but him! The same goes for holiday dinners with your family, fund-raisers, work functions, or formal events. Even if your social calendar is fuller than his—more of your friends are getting married or throwing parties or your job involves attending black-tie events—you can’t invite him first to an event without being the pursuer. Above all else, it’s asking him out! A guy will feel like you are planning your future together if you bring him into your world before he brings you into his, even if he seems initially flattered and excited to accompany you. He must set the tone for making introductions and bringing you into his work events, his Super Bowl shindigs, his parents’ house, his world.
Kyle, twenty-nine, invited her thirty-two-year-old boyfriend of three months, Adam, to be her date for a black-tie business dinner. Kyle was dreading going alone and also wanted to show Adam off to her coworkers, who she had been gushing to about him in anticipation of their meeting. Adam seemed thrilled to join her when he agreed to go, but then two weeks before the event, he said work was really crazy for him and he wasn’t sure he would be able to make it. Needless to say, she was annoyed and anxious. She called us in a tizzy, wanting to know how much she should push the issue because the calligrapher needed his name for the seating card. “Calligrapher”??? That’s a wedding word—was she trying to scare him away? All a new guy has to see is his name etched next to hers on a seating card and he will think things are getting way too serious way too fast. We told her to invite a friend, male or female, to the event, and just have the calligrapher write “guest.” Even if she did take Adam to any events in the future, he should still be listed as “guest.” She asked if she should tell her boyfriend that he didn’t have to go after all. We said not to bother—he probably forgot and would be relieved if she didn’t mention it. Sure enough, she didn’t bring it up and neither did he.
Carly invited a guy she had been dating for a month to her twenty-fifth-birthday party, thrown by her friends and family at her favorite restaurant. It was a casual event, but in a matter of hours, a guy who spoke to her first at a bar and had three Saturday night dates with her met her parents, her siblings, and closest friends from college and work. Carly called us a few weeks later to tell us that he’d told her he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He hadn’t asked her out in two weeks—since the party! After we did some digging, Carly added that one of her friends had asked the guy if he was her boyfriend and he had said, “We’re just friends.” She wanted to ask him what he meant by that considering she had slept with him on the last date—but we told her not to! Had he invited her to his birthday or to meet his friends or family? No, his birthday was six months away. Clearly, it had been a mistake to invite him to her party—he felt overwhelmed by meeting everyone she knew so quickly and all at once.
If your birthday comes before his, it’s a tricky situation. If you are dating a guy for just a month or two and your birthday is coming up and your friends are talking about having a big bash, tell them you want to go low-key this year. The last thing you want is to be in the position of inviting him or not inviting him. If you do invite him, you run the risk of having him meet everyone in your life including your mother and thinking it’s getting way too serious. If you don’t include him, he might be insulted. Do yourself a favor and just celebrate your birthday with a few girlfriends over dinner.
Now, what if he asks if he can attend or asks if he is invited to an upcoming event? If it’s a more formal event like a wedding or work function, say you’re so sorry, you would like to, but you can’t bring anyone—and go alone. Zoey, twenty-five, was invited to a wedding and hoped to bring Andy, her boyfriend of two months, as her date, but the bride said that she could not bring anyone because she had too many guests. Zoey asked us if she should beg her friend to make an exception, but we told her no. Not only would that have been impolite, but it also wasn’t The Rules, since he had not invited her to anything comparable. So when Andy asked her to go out that Saturday night, she told him she couldn’t see him because she had other plans. He asked what the plans were and she said, “My friend’s wedding.” Puzzled as to why Zoey didn’t invite him but too well mannered to say anything, he simply asked her to meet for brunch and a movie the next day. Sunday at 11 a.m., Andy showed up at her apartment, demanding to know who she took and who she danced with. Zoey told him the truth, as Rules Girls don’t lie, that she had had only one invitation to the wedding and she danced with her girlfriends. Andy was relieved to hear the good news, but had clearly been shaken, wondering all night who her plus one was. This curiosity made Andy like Zoey even more! The Rules worked—they are married now.
If you are thinking about initiating the move into each other’s worlds, think again. Let him take the lead with this concept, as with everything else. Let him suggest your meeting his friends and his meeting your friends—and act nonchalant about it when he does. The problem today is that women are introducing men to everyone and inviting them to everything. Big mistake! Think long term. Do you want a date for a wedding or a permanent plus one?