WOMEN WHO DO too much or give too much in relationships are the subject of entire self-help books. We will save you the trouble of reading them by telling you that if you have to do more than agree to go on dates for a guy to like you, then you are doing too much!
It is desperate and not The Rules to meet him halfway for a date, pay for dinner, take him on vacation, or buy his love in any way. Buying him gifts and splitting the cost of trips are both “nice” ways women try to ingratiate themselves with men, but it just won’t make a guy love them! Women who overdo it are spoiling guys, but we know that guys really desire women who don’t try hard at all. Worse, though, it’s manipulative—you are trying to make it easy for him to be with you. A Rules Girl doesn’t have to give a guy a reason to be with her by “roping him in” with her frequent-flier miles or credit card. She is the reason!
When you give too much in the beginning of a relationship, a guy will sense it and lose interest. It is another way in which you become the pursuer and it becomes obvious that you like him. In addition, guys have pride and don’t want to be supported, even if they initially go along with a woman’s generosity. Brenda, a thirty-five-year-old CEO, was dating her yoga instructor. She let him stay at her city apartment on nights that he worked late, hoping that would lead to exclusivity. After some time passed, she suggested he move in so he wouldn’t have to commute to the suburbs (and really so that they could be together more often). A few weeks after they started living together, Brenda found text messages to other women on his phone. When she confronted him, he claimed, “I never said we were exclusive. It was your idea that I live here, not mine.” He wasn’t even grateful for his rent-free accommodations! Brenda called us hysterically crying because she had thought he could be The One. We told her to have him pack his bags right away. More importantly, we told her not to try to lure or trap a guy with her money, possessions, or perks, especially not to keep a relationship going. It never works!
It’s no secret that some women today are out-earning the men they are dating. Some of these women think nothing of using their money and influence to keep a guy interested. We have clients in high-powered positions or ones in family businesses who try to get guys they just met jobs at their company or their father’s firm. Not a good idea! If you get him an interview or a job, you will never know if he is dating you because of your connections or because he really likes you. The only way to know is to give him nothing.
Nothing means not paying for things or doing him favors like getting him the perks of your job, whatever those are. If a guy you are dating says he doesn’t have the money to take you out for nice dinners, say, “That’s okay!” He can take you somewhere inexpensive or come up with another creative idea. Do not respond by offering to pay. If he asks to borrow money so he can do nice things for you, just tell him you don’t have it.
Randi, a twenty-nine-year-old optometrist, was dating a struggling novelist named Michael. She paid for their dinners and also lent him money to pay his rent. Michael broke up with her after a year of dating when he coincidentally landed a six-figure book deal, claiming he was not ready for a serious relationship. What?! She was out almost $5,000! Randi wanted to e-mail him about getting her money back, but we told her to forget it and move on—she could sell the necklace he gave her. We’ve even heard of women who lent money to guys and sued them for it after the relationship ended. It can be messy and unpleasant to say the least. Just don’t do it!
Maybe he has been spoiled by other women who split everything, but that’s not your problem! Or he might say that his ex-girlfriend was a gold digger and he doesn’t want to be used again and that’s why he’s so cautious about money. To that, just respond with your apologies, but still avoid paying for anything of great value. Guys are ingenious when they are looking for a free ride—don’t fall for it! You don’t have to break up with him if everything else is good, but you need to silently show him that you are not going to be his sugar mama. It’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that a guy has to pursue or he won’t appreciate you! If you start paying, you may feel the tables turning in the relationship.
Women have many ways of being generous. They buy him a watch or an iPad. They walk through his apartment and decide he needs a bigger TV. They turn into his free interior decorator and leave their imprints all over his place, so he remembers their wineglasses and napkin holders. Or they rummage through his closet and decide he needs a new suit or a good leather jacket. They buy him an expensive tie or monogrammed cufflinks for his annual review with his boss. If they have an upcoming business trip or extra frequent-flier miles, they pay for him to tag along. If they work in an industry with lots of perks, they invite him to cocktail parties and fancy dinners and send a car service to pick him up. Of course he loves all her presents and perks, but that doesn’t mean he loves her! Take our advice and save your money and wife-y generosity for when you are married. After you are married, you can decorate your love nest, buy him presents, make him your plus one on business trips and at parties—but not when you’re dating.
If you have been dating exclusively for a long time, you can pay for little things here and there. For example, if your boyfriend is taking you to dinner and a show, you can buy him drinks or take him somewhere nice for dessert. If he is sick, you can bring him chicken soup in bed and bring him a variety of cold medicines. But for regular Saturday night dinner dates, he should be picking up the tab.
If a guy insists that you go away with him but expects you to split the cost of the trip, say, “Thanks, but I don’t think I can take the time off” and skip it. Buyer beware: he may not be in love with you and may just be looking for a travel companion to have fun with. What if you have been dating for a while and he invites you to go away and is really excited about it? Sometimes dating and traveling require firm negotiation! Once he agrees to a time frame that is good for you—no longer than four days—let him plan the trip, make all the arrangements, and put it on his credit card. If he asks you to pay for something or you feel it’s right to contribute, pick one thing, like your airfare, and pay for that only. For example, if he asks you to go on a four-day cruise, you can pay for the off-boat excursions. Never put the whole trip (airfare, hotel, restaurants) on your credit card with the idea that he will reimburse you, as sometimes it will be awkward or impossible to get your money back. Sometimes a guy will have sudden business problems or bills right after a trip and you will feel heartless asking for your money, especially if you make more than he does or he has student loans and you don’t. (Money aside, the other reason not to go away for a week or two is that familiarity breeds contempt. Save that trip for your honeymoon.)
Money and material items are not the only ways women try to woo a guy and worm their way into his life. They e-mail him poetry, make collages of all the places they’ve been to, and become groupies at his sporting events. They try to patch up the fight he had with his father. They play therapist when he has a bad day or when he wants to talk about his ex-girlfriend. Do you recognize yourself here?
If you are a generous person, then help your friends or find a charity and do volunteer work. But don’t use your positive qualities as an excuse to do or buy things for a guy you are dating, because you will be putting yourself in a position to be used or hurt. Whether you’re giving him money for a car tune-up, cleaning his apartment for him, or getting him an interview at your law firm—it’s too much. You should not have to work that hard to get a guy’s interest. A Rules Girl doesn’t have to buy a guy’s love or attention. If you are doing more than going on dates and being a CUAO, then you are doing too much!