WE DISCUSSED RED flags in men’s behavior and avoiding Mr. Wrong in Rule #22. But a guy who cancels a date more than once, unless it’s a bona fide emergency, is such a buyer beware that we felt this behavior warranted its own chapter.
Women ask us all the time if it’s okay to see a guy who canceled yet again and wants to reschedule. They tell us, “He just texted me that he got a flat tire and needs to take a rain check” or “He e-mailed to say that he can’t meet me tonight because his friend invited him to a football game. What should I do?”
We are not trying to sound overly dramatic here, but canceling is the kiss of death! Of course we know that the world has become a more casual place and no one thinks twice about flip-flopping lunch appointments in an e-mail, rescheduling drinks in a group text, or canceling a training session with the touch of an iPhone!
But in The Rules world, canceling a date—unless there’s a real emergency—is not to be taken lightly. A guy should be able to make a date with you and keep it, regardless of work, the weather, or whatever else is going on in his life. A date with you should be sacred. It should be written in ink, not in pencil.
A guy will come up with any excuse when he wants to break a date. He’s sick, his parents are visiting, a former coworker just called to have drinks, or he suddenly has a deadline. Women will argue with us that his excuse is plausible and beg to be allowed to give him a second chance. But the truth is that men don’t cancel because their stomach is upset or because work is crazy (on Saturday night?), or because they got last-minute tickets to a football game. What’s more likely is that a guy will cancel because he’s just not that into you or because the girl he really likes suddenly became available.
Unfortunately, a woman with a crush or in love will believe a guy’s reasons for canceling because she wants so badly to make the relationship work. She lies to herself or looks the other way. But over time and through more cancellations and disappointments, she becomes a nervous wreck filled with insecurity and trust issues. In a healthy Rules relationship, a guy calls or texts every week for Saturday night dates; he does not cancel or skip a week, so the woman enjoys a feeling of stability and security. She can relax and go about her business.
Hannah, twenty-eight, met her boyfriend at a sports bar. Andrew, thirty, spoke to her first and they went out a week later for drinks. After that he asked her out for the following Saturday night by Wednesday. So far, so good. But then he texted her Friday morning that he had to cancel because a friend from out of town decided to visit him last minute, and then he canceled again two weeks later because he was coming down with a cold. We said, “Oh no, this is not good, it sounds suspicious.” Hannah believed him, but we didn’t. We said, “On a Saturday night? Can’t he see his friend any other time during the weekend? A cold? Really? We just don’t trust this guy; his excuses seemed a little lame. Doesn’t he want to gaze into your blue eyes over dinner and possibly make out with you?”
Hannah respected what we had to say, but was so head over heels in love with Andrew that she continued to date him, hoping against hope that we were wrong. We didn’t hear from her again until two years later when she e-mailed that she needed another consultation about Andrew. Hannah confessed that Andrew had broken up with her a couple of times because she was pressuring him to propose; he told her he couldn’t even think about it until he got a promotion. Two months later he got his promotion and proposed with a ring and a wedding date. She was happy and relieved.
A month before the wedding, he told her he was having a “major panic attack about work” and went to a therapist who agreed with him that getting married was too stressful at that time and advised him not to go through with the wedding. Hannah was in shock. “WHAT??? Cancel our wedding? Break my heart? I have to call all the bridesmaids and guests and tell them the wedding’s off? Lose ten thousand dollars in deposits?” Sadly, we weren’t that surprised. Any guy who can cancel more than one date can cancel a wedding. But over time, Hannah had grown so accustomed to accepting Andrew’s excuses that she didn’t even comprehend the enormity of what had just happened. She wanted to know if the relationship was still salvageable! We told her to sell the ring and move on.
Of course, this situation rarely—if ever—happens to a Rules Girl! Rules Girls don’t put up with guys who cancel more than once. Rules Girls don’t have to feel angry, disappointed, betrayed, or have to make excuses for guys while trying to figure out what is really going on with them.
Kelly, a junior in college, told us that a guy she had been seeing for a few weeks texted her that he couldn’t take her to a party on a Friday night because something had come up with his fraternity. It just didn’t sound right. She argued that he wanted to be frat president one day. We told her not to message him back and to find someone else to go to the party with. Sure enough, a week later he broke up with Kelly and started dating someone else. A lame cancellation is usually the beginning of a breakup!
Jessica, thirty-two, was setting up a first drink date with a divorced guy with kids who found her on Match.com. An hour before they were supposed to meet, he e-mailed her to change the time from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. because “work was busy.” We told her we’re not thrilled with this guy. While we were discussing the situation with her, he texted again that he just realized it was Parents’ Night at his son’s school. Could they reschedule for the following week? He added: “I owe you dinner now for ruining your night!” We told her now it was really over! But Jessica thought he was cute and wanted to give him a second chance. She texted back, “Okay, good luck tonight,” even though we didn’t think it was a good idea. Of course, he never contacted her again. What would possess a guy to make a date and break it and never reschedule? He probably met someone else he liked better. Don’t try to figure it out. If he cancels, especially more than once, he just doesn’t like you enough!
We are not making these stories up! In almost twenty years of private consultations, we have rarely seen a relationship work when the guy canceled more than once. In fact, we have interviewed hundreds of happily married Rules wives and all of them said that their husbands never canceled a date for any reason. Winter cold, heavy rain, client meetings, term papers, medical school, traffic, the Super Bowl, a family wedding… nothing stops a guy from seeing you if he likes you. If a guy cancels more than once, we suspect he will cancel again and again. Next!