T WENTY-FIVE OR EVEN fifteen years ago, before BlackBerrys and iPhones, booty calls were hardly an issue at all. After all, how would a guy even find someone to hook up with in a matter of seconds in the middle of the night? Unless he just stumbled onto her, how would he know what bar or party she was at? We’re not saying booty calls never happened, we’re just saying it was a lot more difficult to make them happen. If a guy called a girl’s house for sex at 2 a.m., he would wake up her parents or her roommate, so it didn’t happen a lot.
Flash forward: Today, every girl has a GPS chip in her! Late-night hookups have never been easier or more rampant. Guys can reach out to girls anywhere, anytime. We know girls don’t turn off their cell phones when they go to sleep so as not to miss any late-night texts—they sleep with them on their chests or next to their pillows. Smartphones have replaced teddy bears! All it takes is “where r u?” or “what r u up 2?” or “let’s meet up!” Arrangements are very easily made.
So what is The Rule for booty calls? Simple: no answer! Ignore it! Delete it! If you get a late-night text saying, “what r u doing right now?” or “wanna hang out?” don’t even write back, “too tired” or “no thanks” or anything else. Most guys will try to manipulate or shame you into meeting them through the flurry of time-wasting texts that will ensue. If you write back at all, chances are you will end up going to his place, having sex, getting hurt when he doesn’t text you until the next hookup, and ultimately regretting it. So don’t dignify booty-call texts with an answer, and definitely don’t waste time worrying that you are being rude. It’s rude of him to text you so late. If he really liked you, he would have made plans ahead of time, not at 2 a.m. for 2:15 a.m. Guys who like you think about you in advance. A booty-call invitation is an insult. Don’t feel flattered and don’t be afraid you are offending him by not answering. He doesn’t deserve a reply.
The bottom line is that a booty call will not lead to real dates, romance, or the closeness you crave. It may start out full of excitement, but it will leave you feeling empty, hurt, and damaged. Even if you’re not looking for a husband right now, you want to be treated with respect and keep a good reputation. Maybe you’re thinking, “I can’t help it. I like him and I think he likes me” or “I don’t care if it leads to a relationship” or “It’s okay if I don’t hear from him again” or “Whatever happens, I can handle it.” Or you’re thinking, “I’m a big girl now, so I can do whatever I want” or even “What’s the big deal?” These are all rationalizations that even the smartest young women buy into. But the truth is that booty calls simply are not good for you. It’s not a question of right or wrong or a moral issue—booty calls are bad because they don’t work. They don’t lead to dates, a healthy relationship, or any relationship at all. No matter what you tell yourself, you do care if you don’t hear from him again and you do want to be called, texted, wanted, and, most importantly, respected the day after you are with a guy. That is why you are thinking about going through with the booty call at all! Rather than appreciating that the latest technology lets guys get in touch with them so easily, many young women actually feel flattered—“Oh, he’s texting me at 2 a.m., I must be on his mind!”
Alcohol and drugs can play a big part in such hookups. Jessica, a college sophomore, has never gone on a booty call sober because she makes poor choices only when she is wasted—yet another reason to limit yourself to one or two drinks when you go out, as we strongly suggest in Rule #21. You need a clear head to turn down a good-looking athlete or the VP of marketing late at night. These guys are used to girls throwing themselves at them—they rarely, if ever, hear the word “no.” They can probably talk you into meeting up with them for a late-night tryst, so it’s important not to give them the chance to. Being under the influence will make it more difficult for you to ignore them.
Another factor contributing to the frequency of booty calls, especially in college, is proximity. There are so many house parties, fraternity parties, pre-game and tailgating parties, post-bar parties—but you’re never too far from home. Clearly, you have to exercise a lot of self-control not to hook up meaninglessly. If you are serious about turning down booty calls, you might want to find other Rules Girls to support you who you can reach out to if you’re feeling weak. Maybe you can seek her out at a party if you feel tempted, or ask her to keep an eye on you. Sometimes good girls make bad choices when it comes to men!
Lauren, twenty, comes from a good family—she was a Girl Scout and churchgoer; her father is a lawyer and her mother is a PTA mom. But Lauren started going on booty calls in the second semester of her freshman year. She felt desperate to have a boyfriend; without a guy in her life, she felt awkward and lonely. She thought if she hooked up with some frat guy, it would lead to something more and she would feel pretty and popular. She rationalized that she was liberal, she was a feminist, it was the twenty-first century, and she could do whatever she wanted. After all, she figured, what’s the worst that could happen?
Lauren introduced herself to Brian at a party, and he was more than happy to sleep with her that night. But the late-night hookup never led to any dates, let alone a relationship. When she reached out to us, we told her that it was not going to go anywhere with Brian and to stop seeing him, but she wouldn’t listen. He texted her about once a week to hang out at his place, always at 2 a.m. after the bars closed or after he had sometimes taken out another girl who wouldn’t sleep with him—booty-call texts. Brian was either drinking or drunk. Lauren had convinced herself that he really liked her, but when she turned Brian down for the first time, he yelled, cursed, and belittled her. When he tried to shame her into hooking up with him by saying, “What, you’re too good for me?” it was the last straw. He made her feel horrible.
If you really want to stop going on booty calls and stop meaningless hookups, stop lying to yourself. Every one of these hookups starts with some kind of lie that “this time will be different” or “this time I won’t care if he doesn’t ask me out” or “this is how I will get my ex back” or “this will make him see how good I am in bed and like me and ask me out.”
Missy, twenty-five, had a much worse experience than Lauren. She traveled a lot for work and often felt lonely in the downtime between her meeting-filled days. On one such business trip, she hooked up with a guy she met at the hotel bar and fell asleep in his room that night. He decided to take a naked photo of her and post it online; everyone saw it. She tried to remove it, but as you can imagine, once it is out there, it’s not so easy to take down. Missy was hysterical and is still working on getting over feeling violated. But this experience scared her into stopping her drunk and careless behavior. Unfortunately, sometimes something awful or embarrassing has to happen to wake a girl up and make her realize that what she is doing is not only unproductive, but also downright destructive. Missy never went on a booty call again. With our help, she is now dating nice guys who respect her and ask her out on dinner dates. We told her to move on like it never happened and not to let the incident haunt her, because any man who loves her will not care. Looking back, Missy could not believe she ever accepted such crumbs from men. She now realizes that any man who tries to see you last minute in the middle of the night will treat you barely better than a hooker. A man will treat you the way you let him!
When a guy doesn’t care about you, he will do anything for a laugh or a thrill, even at your expense. Not hearing from a guy again is bad enough, but being taunted by a booty call is a whole new level of scary. Your reputation and even education or career can be severely damaged in a nanosecond, so think twice about hooking up with someone who isn’t crazy about you or someone you don’t trust.
Many girls who engaged in casual hookups in college find themselves repeating the same behavior in their mid-to late twenties. But why would it just stop? Bad habits are hard to break. Going back to casual sex is like going back to cigarettes—you crave something to help you stop feeling low or lonely, whether it’s a substance or a sex partner. The more you do it, the harder it is to stop. If you’re sleeping around at any time in your life, just stop. It’s stupid and it’s only going to stay with you. Instead of working on a stable, constructive Rules relationship, you’ll be answering booty-call texts in the middle of the night. Sure, it is bad enough to accept a booty call at eighteen, but at twenty-eight, it’s self-destructive because the stakes are so much higher. You have a job, rent to pay, and many other responsibilities. There is less room for error, and it’s just not smart to be in relationships that are totally physical and with no future. Why? Because at twenty-eight and older, most women are looking for meaningful relationships with men they can love and trust.
Furthermore, it doesn’t matter who the guy is—booty calls are never good for you. Alexa, twenty-six, was casually hooking up with her ex-boyfriend, reasoning that it was okay because she knew him. She was going out to bars and parties almost every night, meeting no one. She ended up getting in touch with her ex and going to his place because, after all, he wasn’t a stranger. She hoped it would lead to their getting back together. This arrangement went on for a year after he had broken up with her before she realized that the relationship was going nowhere. It never works when you have sex with a guy you want a relationship with who doesn’t feel the same way. In fact, ex-boyfriends are sometimes the worst offenders because they often lead you to believe that they want to get back together (“It’s just that right now is a bad time”) when all they really want is sex. Girls end up wasting time and living in the past or having a fantasy relationship instead of moving on and meeting new guys.
It’s not that bad things always happen on booty calls, but that sometimes nothing happens, which is what’s bad. You don’t go the extra mile to meet someone new; it doesn’t lead to a long-term relationship—it’s just instant gratification and then pain. Waste of time! The Rules are all about long-term gratification, not a quick night of fun followed by pain and regret. When you’re a Rules Girl, you know what a date is and you know how you deserve to be treated. It’s not just about ignoring late-night invitations, but also about holding out for a healthy Rules relationship.
How do guys feel about girls who go on booty calls? We polled hundreds of guys in college and beyond. Here’s what some had to say:
“In college, everybody talks. And with cell phones, word travels fast.”
“No guy will respect her. They’ll think, ‘She’s too easy… I don’t have to work that hard to see her’ and move on to someone else. Or if they do text or call again, it’s just to do it again.”
“They are easy—not girlfriend material. No one wants to date someone who has been with all their friends. I hope these girls are gone when I wake up. I would never touch her sober.”
“It’s bad. A lot of times it’s the girl texting guys at 2 a.m. and it’s never to talk, only to hook up. She will write, ‘hey what are you up to’ or ‘where are you’ and my friends and I will laugh because we know she means, ‘I want to have sex.’ ”
“One girl sent me and my friend the same exact text saying her roommate was out so she had the room to herself, but we were sitting next to each other when we got it. Neither of us went obviously.”
“Advice? No guy wants to date a 2 a.m. booty-call girl. They want to date the girl who won’t come over.”
“I think it’s a perfect situation for a guy who’s not looking for a relationship. You have a sex buddy who’s more than willing to sleep with you and more than likely thinks you are serious about her, if not now, then one day.”