WE LIVE IN a sex-crazed society, where songs about one-night stands and S&M play all day long, and TV shows portray young women dressed up like hookers carrying condoms in their Chanel bags. Teen pregnancy is always on the news in some capacity, and nineteen-year-olds have sex tapes!
It’s a sex culture, all right. But the fact that other women are buying into it now more than ever before doesn’t mean you should! You are a Rules Girl: you have self-esteem, standards, and boundaries. So when is it sensible for a Rules Girl to have sex?
Your first time is a big deal, so you shouldn’t rush to get it over with or be with the wrong guy. Ideally, you should be in some sort of a relationship with a guy who is into you, who cares about you, who is kind to you, and who wants to cuddle afterward—not someone who treats you like a notch on his belt and can’t get away fast enough. You don’t want your first time to be unpleasant or something you long to forget. We think you should be at least eighteen, and wait as long as you can—ideally a year into the relationship. If you are older, you should still wait at least three months (or twelve consecutive dates—a lot of time spent together). In any case, make sure you trust him and feel comfortable with him.
A Rules Girl makes a guy wait to help him fall in love with her, her soul, and her essence—not just her body. The longer you wait to have sex, the more he can court you, plan romantic things together, and dream about you. Guys will treat you better and respect you more if you don’t give sex away too soon. As we keep saying over and over again, guys love a challenge and don’t appreciate anything that comes too easily, especially sex! Women who take off their clothes on date one or even date two or three are not acting hard to get; they are the opposite of Creatures Unlike Any Other. These girls run the risk of getting dumped or becoming the late-night booty-call girl because it’s obvious how easily they’ll give it up.
It used to be that HIV, sexually transmitted diseases, and getting pregnant were the only risks for sexually active women. These are still dangers you’ll face, but now, there are a whole host of other pitfalls waiting for women who succumb too soon. A guy can humiliate you by planting cameras in the room and posting your dalliance online or e-mailing it to everyone. He can tell everyone about your night together and watch how quickly the rumor mill turns with text messages and Twitter. Sleeping with a guy you just met is a really bad idea. If he doesn’t know you well, he probably doesn’t care about you and won’t think twice about hurting you. Conversely, the more he gets to know you, the safer he will make you feel.
When you do decide you want to sleep with a guy, first ask yourself if you truly believe he will call or text you afterward. It’s a terrible idea to hook up with someone you don’t think you’ll hear from again. Even if you think you “don’t care,” that’s not necessarily how you’ll feel the next morning or next week. Women tell us all the time that they “don’t care” if the guy just wanted sex and nothing more. They say things like “We locked eyes and we knew it was going to happen; we just had to do it.” They convince themselves that they are capable of feeling like a man when it comes to sex, but the next morning they are compulsively checking their phones and are completely heartbroken when they don’t hear from the guy. Even Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones fell for a guy or two!
It’s always better to wait until you have an emotional connection before a physical one so you don’t get hurt. Women want to bond with a guy, snuggle, and hear words such as “like” and “love” and “exclusive.” They want security and a sense of togetherness. For guys, sex can be more mechanical. When it’s over, they often get up, get dressed, and go to work, no problem. No matter what you anticipate you’ll feel, it’s always the same. Most women are hardwired to desire emotional intimacy and invariably end up hurt when they act under any other pretense.
Also crucial: ensure that you have the right motives. Don’t use sex to trap a guy into a relationship. Don’t act lovey-dovey as he is putting on his socks and say, “So when am I going to hear from you?” or text him later, “Where is this relationship going now that we have slept together?” Sex is not an excuse to have a relationship talk or all-night instant-messaging chat. He doesn’t owe you anything emotionally just because you’ve had sex. Going into the act with this mind-set is manipulative and will usually backfire. Sometimes a woman’s obvious expectations or demands that sex bring more closeness and familiarity can send a guy running.
Now, some women say they would never sleep with a guy on the first date, but are open to everything else: they let guys put handcuffs on them and have oral sex and think that doesn’t count. But it does. When we say make a guy wait, we mean no more than casual kissing on the first date. On the second date, you can French kiss if he wants to. On the third or fourth date, you can make out a little more. By the time he wants to sleep with you, if you feel it’s not the right time yet, you can absolutely say, “I’d like to, but I’m not ready.” If he gets angry or threatens to stop seeing you, then he’s not the guy for you. Don’t let any man pressure you into sleeping with him too soon!
Other women carry this “make him wait for sex” Rule to the extreme. We don’t suggest you necessarily make a man wait until you are married. Of course, if you are religious or have other beliefs that support abstinence, we respect that. It is important not to be a tease: if you are not planning to sleep with him for six months or a year for whatever reason, it’s only fair to tell him so he can decide whether he wants to wait. Sometimes making a guy wait too long can attract guys who are not really into sex at all. He may be relieved because he has a low sex drive or prefers porn to intimacy or is just not that into you. How will you know if you are sexually compatible if you wait until you are married? Sex is an important part of any relationship—we just believe it should be approached with caution.
But here’s the tricky part of this Rule: Let’s say you’re more into sex than the guy is. You feel he is going too slowly (only kissing you on the fifth date) and you want to speed things up. Should you make a move? Absolutely not! If you initiate anything physical, you are creating a situation in which you are the aggressor, which might make you feel self-conscious in other parts of the relationship. It’s hard to feel desired and secure when you are doing most of or all the work. Sex should be treated like any other part of your relationship—he should make the first move and make you feel wanted. If he is not sexually aggressive enough for you, then maybe he is not the right guy for you.
Conversely, withholding sex to punish a guy is not good either. When something in the relationship is not going their way, some women’s impulse is to get even by denying a guy sex. We are totally against that tactic. Once you’ve had sex with a guy, there is no going back—the tone has been set. The best way to deal with a bump in the relationship is to see him less, pull back, and be suddenly busy. The Rules are more emotional than physical. He needs to feel that you are slipping away and that he may lose you. So see him less and don’t always answer his messages, but if you do see him, you should continue to sleep with him if you have already. Otherwise, he will think you are spiteful.
No matter when you decide you’re ready to have sex with a guy, be smart and practice it safely. Don’t let a guy convince you in the heat of the moment that it’s okay not to use a condom “just this once.” If you are on birth control and in a committed, exclusive relationship, ask him to get tested for STDs. You can even ask to see the doctor’s report, as some guys will lie about getting tested. If you have any doubts whatsoever, use a condom. Rules Girls play it safe and take care of themselves!