Rule #31

Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection

BEING REJECTED IS never easy, no matter how wrong a guy is for you or how much wrong he did you. Today rejection can be even more painful than ever before. A guy can announce the breakup on Facebook or that he’s “finally single” on Twitter. He can forward around nasty e-mails and cause you public humiliation in addition to private anguish. And if you do decide to stay connected to your ex on these sites, you may see status updates or photos of him with his new girlfriend or other women and find out that he has moved on.

If a relationship doesn’t work out, it’s because it just wasn’t good for you. But most often when women have just been broken up with, they do not want to hear that the guy they are pining for is not good for them—they just want him back!

When women in this situation contact us for a consultation, we do everything we can to find out if the relationship is salvageable. If we think our client made a mistake that can be fixed or that there is the slightest chance of getting him back, we suggest one call, e-mail, or text for closure. She can send one message saying something like “Hi, just wanted to see how you are doing” to see if the guy bites. If it was a Rules relationship to begin with and he shows interest in reconnecting, she will go on a strict plan of being hard to get but easy to be with. But if it was not a Rules relationship or her ex is already dating someone else, we advise her to move on—and quickly. We say, “Next!”—meaning wipe away a tear, go to a party or club where he is nowhere to be found, and join an online dating site ASAP!

Of course, it’s not always that easy to move on, and we completely understand and sympathize. Even if the guy was bad news, she may refuse to see it, or ignores it and still wants him back. Maybe he is her high school sweetheart, maybe he is the guy she lost her virginity to, or maybe he is her fiancé. Even if he said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or “We are just not good together,” she may want him back. She just wants to talk about him, the guy who got away, and nothing else. She keeps going over and over everything that happened until the breakup, hoping that she can figure out what went wrong and how to make it work again.

She also has many logistical questions. Should she answer his texts? Nope! Accept a booty call? Absolutely not! Should she still give him his birthday present? We don’t think so! Write a closure letter going over the relationship and thanking him for all the good times? Nah! And what should she do with his stuff at her place and how should she tactfully get back her things from his place? Who cares! Get a new flatiron. Just get up, get dressed, and get out! Some will, but others refuse to date again until they see photos of their ex and his new girlfriend on Facebook. Whatever works—every woman has to get it into her soul that the relationship is completely over before she moves on.

Here are some Rules-y ways to get over an ex:

• Start dating ASAP! Did we say that already? We can’t say it enough! The best revenge is getting all dolled up and meeting new guys who, unlike your ex, think you are fabulous! How fast, you might ask? The sooner the better. We mean tonight or tomorrow—not a month or five months from now. Women who have been rejected often say they are “not ready” to date so fast, that they just can’t even think about it because they feel so hurt. But this mind-set is a big mistake. You can still have your sad feelings, but have them before and after parties and dates—not instead of parties and dates. Being caught up in what went wrong with your ex will actually help you do The Rules on a new guy because your heart won’t fully be in a new relationship—and that is a good thing! We have heard countless stories of women who met their future husband right after a breakup. Why? Because they were still so emotionally involved with their broken relationship that they didn’t pay much attention to the new guy—they were a challenge without even trying to be. Plus, meeting someone new will help dissipate your sadness and anger toward your ex. It works both ways.

• Do a cleanse! Make it fun. Invite a friend to your place for the purging. Get rid of everything he gave you. Shred, toss, or burn greeting cards and photos, sell any jewelry, and donate books, DVDs, clothes, and other material items. Delete all his texts and e-mails. Don’t turn into Bridget Jones! Removing the things from your world that bring him to mind will help you think about him less. This kind of cleanse will set you up for the fresh start you need and deserve. Melissa Rivers confessed on her show Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best that she did a major purging after a bad breakup with her boyfriend—she bought a new mattress and towels and threw out the computer where she found the sex sites he was frequenting and e-mails from other women.

• Remember the bad times, not the good times. If you are going to think about your ex, think about your last fight and how badly he hurt your feelings. Focus on the lies he told you, how selfish he was, that he didn’t get along with your sister, and that he was sometimes just difficult. Every time you feel your heart fill up with memories of a romantic date he took you on or how much fun you had at that baseball game, just let those sour memories back in, too! They are the antidote to the longing you might feel after a breakup.

• Don’t write angry letters, texts, e-mails, Facebook posts, tweets, or anything. There’s a saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” and it’s true. We know women who have posted angry and mean-spirited things like “You’ll be sorry” or “You and your slutty new girlfriend deserve each other” or “I want to rip my heart out but someone already did.” Don’t be stupid. If you send hateful messages, the same guy who said he loved you once could say you are harassing him and threaten to call the police! Your best move is no contact at all. De-friend, un-follow, delete from contacts—whatever you need to do. At this point, don’t worry that such a move will possibly show that you care too much: in these situations how you are perceived doesn’t matter—it’s still the best idea for everyone. Trying to exact revenge will only prevent you from moving on. If you must vent or release some anger, e-mail your rant to a friend or to your therapist so someone else in the world knows how you feel. Another great option is to write it out and then hit the delete button. But the last person who should read your diatribe is your ex!

Danielle, thirty-two, sent a handwritten seven-page letter to her ex explaining how much he hurt her. (She avoided e-mailing it to him because she was afraid he would forward it to his friends.) But she never heard from him again. When she ran into him one day at the mall, she asked him what he thought about the letter but he denied ever getting it. Remember the episode of Friends in which Rachel writes Ross an eight-page letter about whether they were “on a break”? Ross falls asleep reading it and pretends to agree with what Rachel wrote, so they get back together—but once he actually reads it and realizes she spent eight long pages blaming him, they break back up! Don’t waste your time! That energy would be better spent writing up your new online dating profile.

• Don’t write status updates about your ex or your heartbreak so that all your girlfriends can rally around you. Ashley, twenty-four, posted on her Facebook page, “I can’t believe I wasted a year on a guy who is so immature.” In Greek-chorus fashion, her friends commented, “You go girl. Any guy would be lucky to be with you. His loss!” While sweet, this post only called attention to her less-than-ideal situation. It made her sound angry and pathetic to everyone, including any new cute guys!

• Don’t reach out to your ex’s family or friends to try to get them to plead your case. They probably won’t and even if they do, he probably won’t listen. His mother, sister, or best friend cannot make him change his mind or love you again.

The good news is that every client who moved on quickly and met and married her Mr. Right also realized in hindsight that the guy she had been pining for was wrong for her. “My husband is so much better for me than my old boyfriend. We have more in common and don’t fight,” said Briana, thirty-two, a client who initially felt too heartbroken to believe that there could be life after her ex. It’s true: rejection is usually a blessing in disguise. So if you have just been broken up with, don’t get upset or angry. Get even by meeting someone even better for you!