I’ve tried hard in this book to avoid the sort of constant shaming that people expect when you talk about holiness. It is all too easy to blast people for not praying enough or not memorizing Scripture enough or not caring for the poor enough. Preachers can be quite adept at making every message about how you fall short of God’s holiness. But I’ve written this book to make you hopeful about holiness, not make you hang your head.
And yet, when there is compromise with the world, we need conviction. We have to undergo the difficult task of looking at our lives and seeing how we may be out of step with Scripture. That’s the goal of this chapter. The purpose, however, is not to push you down, but to lift you up into God’s way, that you might follow God’s will and live according to God’s Word.
This chapter is about sexual immorality. You know that from the title. And you know from living in this world that sexual immorality is a huge problem. I don’t have to convince you that we live in a culture flooded with sex. You can find it in stores, in songs, in sports, on billboards, on the beach, on the movie screen, on You Tube, on Hulu, on your iPhone, in the mall, in catalogs, in car magazines, and just about anywhere else you look. But this chapter is not about the culture out there. It’s about those of us here—about what we as Christians are doing, what we are seeing, and what we may not know we are doing and seeing.
In the Old Testament, when a good king would take over in Israel or Judah he would rid the land of idols and false religion. And God would be pleased. But often, even with the good kings, we find that despite much progress “the high places were not taken away” (1 Kings 15:14; 22:43; 2 Kings 12:3; 14:4; 15:4, 35). These were the various sites in Israel where people would do sacrifices and rituals—the kinds that the other nations performed. The high places were a symbol of Israel’s compromise. The high places were so entrenched in the culture, they seemed so normal, that even the good kings did not think to remove them. Or if they did, they couldn’t muster the courage to act on their convictions. The high places were blind spots. The people couldn’t see what they represented. They were so common, so ordinary, so much in keeping with the way things were, that the kings didn’t tear them down and the people didn’t stop worshiping there.
Sexual immorality is one of our high places. I’m afraid we—and there is an “I” in that “we”—don’t have the eyes to see how much the world has squeezed us into its mold.
If we could transport Christians from almost any other century to any of today’s “Christian” countries in the West, I believe what would surprise them most (besides our phenomenal affluence) is how at home Christians are with sexual impurity. It doesn’t shock us. It doesn’t upset us. It doesn’t offend our consciences. In fact, unless it’s really bad, sexual impurity seems normal, just a way of life, and often downright entertaining.
This is a far cry from how the Bible views sexual sin. If you go back to the vice lists, you’ll see that every one of them mentions sexual immorality. More often than not when the apostle Paul lists behaviors not fitting for the Christian, sexual immorality is at the head of the list (Rom. 1:24; 1 Cor. 6:9; Gal. 5:19; Eph. 5:3; Col. 3:5). In moving from darkness to light, one of the first things new Gentile converts had to accept was a radically different sexual ethic.
So what does all this have to do with the previous chapter and union with Christ? Let’s look at two passages in particular and see how God’s standards for sexual purity may be higher than you think, and how the doctrine of union with Christ may be more helpful than you realize.
RUN, BABY, RUN!
We’ll start with 1 Corinthians 6:12–20:
[12] “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. [13] “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. [14] And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. [15] Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! [16] Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” [17] But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. [18] Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. [19] Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, [20] for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
The big idea of this section is found in verse 18: flee from sexual immorality. Which begs the question, what exactly is sexual immorality? The word Paul uses is the usual word for sexual sin in the New Testament. It’s the Greek word porneia. It refers to the broadest category of sexual sins and includes more than simply adultery (cf. Matt. 5:32, where Jesus uses moicheia for adultery and porneia for the larger category of sexual immorality). As one commentator observes, the term “can be found in Greek literature with reference to a variety of illicit sexual practices, including adultery, fornication, prostitution, and homosexuality. In the OT it occurs for any sexual practice outside marriage between a man and woman that is prohibited by the Torah.” Likewise, the leading Greek lexicon defines porneia as “unlawful sexual intercourse, prostitution, unchastity, fornication.”
The simplest way to understand porneia is to think about the things that would make you furious and heartbroken if you found out someone was doing them with your husband or your wife. If someone shook your wife’s hand you would not be upset. If someone gave a casual side hug to your husband it probably wouldn’t bother you. A kiss on the cheek or even a peck on the lips in some cultures might be appropriate. But if you found out another person had sex with your wife or saw her naked or touched certain parts of her body you would be furious. If you found another person made out with your husband or talked about sexual activities or made certain gestures you would be heartbroken. Why? Because these are all activities that are appropriate for a married couple but are inappropriate when practiced outside of the lawful relationship of a man and a woman in marriage. Any sexual activity between those who are not married, or between two men, or between two women, or among more than two persons, or between family members, or between those married to other people—any sexual activity in these contexts is sin and can be included in the prohibitions against porneia. In simplest terms, sexual immorality, as Jesus and Paul and all the biblical writers understood it, is sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman.
It’s about all this that Paul says “flee.” Don’t reason with sexual sin, just run. Don’t dabble. Don’t peruse. Don’t experiment. Don’t “find yourself.” Don’t test your resolve. Don’t mess around. Just flee. We are to avoid the mistakes of the foolish man in Proverbs 7 who hung around sexual immorality, listened to its siren song, followed it through town, and ended up losing his life. God doesn’t ask us to get familiar with sexual immorality on the big screen, TV screen, or smart phone screen so that we can engage the culture. He commands us to get away.
MEMBERS OF CHRIST
In 1 Corinthians 6:12 we find Paul responding to one of the Corinthians’ favorite slogans. Apparently they liked to affirm that “all things are lawful for me.” They were proud of their Christian liberty. And yet Paul explains that even “free things” are not free if they enslave you. When examining gray areas in the Christian life, we need to do more than look for a specific Bible verse condemning the practice in question. We need to use bigger questions like the ones in verse 12. We need to ask, for example, whether masturbation is “helpful” to us in glorifying God (1 Cor. 10:31) or whether it enslaves us to habits we cannot break.
What is particularly instructive (and challenging and hopeful) about this section is Paul’s emphasis on our identity with Christ. It’s popular in our day to think our bodies belong to us: “No one can tell me what to do with my body!” In fact, in our culture nothing is more essential to our identity as human beings than the freedom to express ourselves sexually and use our bodies as we choose. But God says the body belongs to him, not to us. We are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19) and members of Christ (v. 15). The body is no longer for self-gratification, but for God-glorification (v. 20). We have been bought with a price and belong to Christ.
That may sound like bondage—“Now I have to do what God wants.” And it is true that loving God means living by his commands. But belonging to Christ means freedom, not slavery. Don’t think of Christianity as having to do what a peevish God wants. Think of it as now being able to do what a good God demands. Through union with Christ we are empowered for holiness. The same God who raised Jesus from the dead will raise us up to live for the Lord and not for the body (vv. 13–14). That’s one of the gifts of being joined to Christ. Union with Christ means God’s power for us working in and through us.
Union with Christ also means moral responsibility. Look at 1 Corinthians 6:15. Paul’s language is circumspect, but his argument is quite shocking. Since we belong to Christ, we are members of his body. Therefore, when you engage in sexual immorality—whether it’s prostitution, as Paul mentions, or adultery, or sex before marriage, or any other sexual sin—it’s as if the members of Christ are engaging in sexual sin. To put it bluntly, if you shack up with a whore it’s like dragging Christ into bed with her too. When you put your faith in Christ, you become one spirit with him (v. 17). So when you put your sexual organs where they don’t belong, you are putting the Lord Jesus where he doesn’t belong.
Sexual sin is terribly serious because it is a sin against your own body and a sin against the body of Christ of which you are a member. If you can’t picture Christ with a prostitute or Christ in front of porn or Christ sleeping around, then you shouldn’t picture yourself in those circumstances either. You belong to Christ. More than that, you are joined to Christ. If his body is pure, yours should be too.
HOLINESS IN A HOOKUP WORLD
Before moving on to our second passage, let’s go back to this definition of porneia and try to apply it to a debated area of the Christian life: the dating relationship. I want to rush in where angels fear to tread and attempt to answer the age-old question “how far is too far?”
As I mentioned in chapter 3, my wife and I struggled with setting boundaries in our physical relationship when we were dating and later engaged. We sought advice from many Christians we respected and got a wide range of opinions—everything from “do nothing” to “try almost everything.” Most often people basically said, “Don’t have sex and set some boundaries, but what they are is between the two of you and the Lord.”
We managed to set a host of boundaries. And break many of them too. Part of the problem was our self-control (mostly mine). But frankly, another part of the problem was even knowing what we were supposed to control, especially when we were in the strange limbo land of engagement. We knew sex was out of the question and so were a number of steps leading up to that. And yet, that left a lot of dangerous gray area within bounds. By God’s grace we were both virgins when we got married. But I have to admit we didn’t always keep to our own standards. And yet the issue went beyond that of a smitten conscience. Looking back, I don’t think we kept to the Lord’s standards either. As the man in the relationship and the one entirely to blame for pushing the envelope, I take responsibility for those sins. We’ve confessed them before the Lord long ago.
I share all that so young people reading this book know that I remember well what this struggle is like. I remember the confusion and the eagerness and the guilt. I am certainly not a model to follow in every respect. So what I am about to say may sound overly restrictive, especially coming from someone who is past the point of having to follow this advice. But I wish someone would have told me that it doesn’t have to be so complicated. Maybe they tried and I didn’t listen.
I know there is not an exact verse in Scripture that addresses the “how far is too far” question. If that verse existed, I guarantee you would have had a Bible study on it by now. You can’t just turn to Hezekiah chapter 4 and find one verse to settle things. But the Bible tells us everything we need to know for life and godliness. There are principles to help us in this discussion.
First, the main goal in all relationships is to glorify God, not to get as close to sinning as possible. We aren’t salvation minimalists interested in getting away with something. We want to know how to maximally please God before we are married.
Second, do not stir up love before its time (Song 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). These are powerful desires we are talking about and, in the wrong context, strong temptations. Many godly people have found themselves doing all sorts of things they never thought they’d be doing. You have a whole lifetime in front of you to figure things out, so be careful not to awaken passions that cannot yet be fulfilled. Better to err on the side of caution. I’ve never heard a Christian couple regret all they didn’t do before they were married.
Third, and this is where things will seem radically counter-cultural to many believers, you should treat all the Christians you are not married to as your brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the argument Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas make in their helpful book Sex, Dating, and Relationships. They argue that until we are married we should view members of the opposite sex against the backdrop of the family relationship. Indeed this was Paul’s approach: “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:1–2). So, young single men, what does purity look like toward your sister? Would you make out with her? Engage in passionate kissing? Be in bed together? By no means! She’s your sister!! Well, there you have it: a standard for purity toward the spiritual sisters in your life. Unmarried Christians, the general rule is this: don’t do with another guy or girl what you wouldn’t do with your brother or sister.
What does this mean for “dating” then? For starters, I’m not against the word. I’m certainly not against single men taking the initiative with single women and pursuing them in an intentional, respectful way that points toward marriage. I’m all for that, and I don’t get hung up on what we name it. Call it courtship or dating or intentional friendship. The label is not the important thing. What is important is to understand that the Bible has no category of dating where people who aren’t married can kinda sorta start acting in some ways like they are. Hiestand and Thomas are right:
Any and all sexual activity [outside of marriage], even when it stops short of more intense sexual expression, is outside the bounds of the Bible’s sexual ethic. It is (can we say it so boldly?) a sin. And not only is such activity itself sinful; it inevitably leads to sexual and emotional frustration, which in turn leads to further sexual temptation. It’s a perfect storm of presenting our “members as slaves to impurity and lawlessness leading to more lawlessness” (Rom. 6:19). This is a simple reality that no doubt many of you can testify to from your own experience, and one that we have seen played out over and over again in our respective churches among adolescents and single adults.
Think about our definition of porneia. Sexual immorality is sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman. It’s the sort of thing you would be outraged to find your spouse or your parents doing with someone else. And yet, many Christians have no problem doing half of those same things with someone they are not married to. You wouldn’t make out with a stranger. You wouldn’t make out with your friend. But you would make out with someone you are dating. What’s the difference? “Well, we are committed to each other,” you say. But really you aren’t. Dating couples can break up at any time—even during engagement in our culture—with no strings attached. The commitment in dating may be one of exclusivity but it is certainly not one of permanence. And without the promise or permanence it is hardly a commitment.
The bottom line is, you are not married until you are married. And until you are married, I believe it is a fair inference from biblical principles that you should refrain from all sexual activity—even the kind that stops well short of intercourse. Pursuing holiness in today’s cheap-date, hookup world requires tremendous courage and other-worldliness. Long make-out sessions (and more) is not the way for young men to treat “younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2). If you might not marry the one you are dating, why do all sorts of stuff with someone else’s future spouse, stuff you will have a hard time forgetting once you are married yourself? And if you are on your way to marriage, instead of acting more married than single, consider getting married sooner so you don’t have to act single any longer.
NOT EVEN A HINT
The second passage comes from Ephesians 5:3–12 and it is just as challenging as the first:
[3] But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. [4] Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. [5] For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. [6] Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. [7] Therefore do not become partners with them; [8] for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light [9] (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), [10] and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. [11] Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. [12] For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
Most basically, we see in this passage that sexual immorality is incompatible with the “kingdom” life (v. 5). People who give themselves over—unreservedly, unrepentantly—to sexual sin (and covetousness, for that matter) do not go to heaven. But notice, Paul doesn’t stop at telling us to avoid doing these sins. God’s Word gives a higher standard than that. Sexual immorality, impurity, covetousness (especially, in this context, the insatiable desire for someone else’s body) is not even to be named among you. The NIV uses the phrase “not even a hint.” Not too long ago I was driving in the car on my way to work, listening to a talk radio station. The host began talking about the latest “news” items concerning one of our trashier celebrities. As he laughed about this fresh revelation of moral turpitude, I found myself curious and disgusted at the same time. Thankfully I was working on this chapter at the time, so disgust won out and I turned the channel. “Not even a hint” does not allow for reveling in things that are scandalously unmentionable.
In the same manner, verse 4 speaks against filthiness, foolish talk, and crude joking. I remember, around about seventh grade, when certain boys in my class developed the ability to turn any remark into something sexual. If the teacher commented about chalk on the chalkboard, the back row of twelve-year-old boys giggled like a bunch of Tickle Me Stupids. It was so dumb, and I still have no idea what they were thinking. Some adult minds never grow out of such coarse joking. You can find it in the locker room or at the pub or on the youth retreat: dirty minds spilling out vulgar conversations with overtones and innuendo and double meanings.
These are challenging verses. What do they mean for the things we laugh about? What do they mean for the way we dress? What do these verses mean for the television we choose to watch or the movies we see for fun or the beer commercials interrupting every sporting event? Can we really justify all the innuendo, all the shameful secret things put out in broad daylight, all the sexual sin made to look normal, attractive, and amusing?
It’s one thing to describe evil or even depict it. I’d never suggest that good writing or filmmaking must avoid the subject of sin. There are many thoughtful, tasteful movies, television shows, plays, musicals, and books out there—and the good ones usually deal with sin. Sin by itself is not the problem. The Bible is full of rank immorality. It would be simplistic and morally untenable—even unbiblical—to suggest you cannot watch sin or read about sin without sinning yourself. But the Bible never titillates with its description of sin. It never paints vice with virtue’s colors. It does not entertain with evil (unless to mock it). The Bible does not dull the conscience by making sin look normal and righteousness look strange. And there are no pictures of plunging necklines.
We have to take a hard look at the things we choose to put in front of our faces. If there was a couple engaged in sexual activity on a couch in front of you, would you pull up a seat to watch? No, that would be perverse, voyeuristic. So why is it different when people record it first and then you watch? What if a good-looking guy or girl, barely dressed, came up to you on the beach and said, “Why don’t you sit on your towel right here and stare at me for awhile?” Would you do it? No, that would be creepy. Why is it acceptable, then, when the same images are blown up the size of a three-story building?
If we’re honest, we often seek exposure to sexual immorality and temptations to impurity and call it “innocent” relaxation. Commenting on Ephesians 5:3, Peter O’Brien observes that, as Christians, we should not only shun all forms of sexual immorality, we should “avoid thinking and talking about them.” Even our jesting should be pure, lest we show “a dirty mind expressing itself in vulgar conversation.” If, as O’Brien remarks, “talking and thinking about sexual sins ‘creates an atmosphere in which they are tolerated and which can . . . promote their practice,’” how can we justify paying money to see, taste, and laugh at sexual sin? How can we stare at sensuality which aims to amuse and arouse and weaken our conscience and deaden our sense of spiritual things (even if it is on ordinary cable or only rated PG-13)? We must consider the possibility that much of what churchgoing people do to unwind would not pass muster for the apostle Paul. Not to mention God.
I remember one night in seminary a bunch of us got together to watch the third Indiana Jones movie, the one about the Holy Grail. If you’ve seen it you may remember that, in this installment, Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) fights the bad guys with his father (Sean Connery). At one point in the film there is a surprising line from the senior Dr. Jones which reveals that he and his son had just slept with the same Nazi woman. It’s meant to be a funny scene, and most of the seminarians in the room—both men and women—laughed out loud. But an older, respected student (not me!) called out the group. “Guys, they are talking about fornication and incest. It’s really not funny.” I think most of the people in the room were annoyed with such sermonizing. But the more I’ve thought about that incident over the years, the more I think the older man was right. A man and his father fornicating with the same woman? This kind of immorality was not tolerated even among the pagans in Paul’s day (1 Cor. 5:1). He told the Corinthians to mourn over it (v. 2). But we
laugh.
Brothers and sisters, we must be more vigilant. With our kids, with our families, with our Facebook accounts, with our texts, with our tweets, with our own eyes and hearts. Are we any different than the culture? Have we made a false peace with ourselves whereby we have said, we won’t do the things you do or be as sensual as you are, but we will gladly watch you do them for us? The kinds of things Paul wouldn’t even mention, the sort of sins he wouldn’t dare joke about, the behaviors too shameful to even name—we hear about them in almost every sitcom and see them on screens bigger than our homes. Here is worldliness as much as anywhere in the Christian life. Try turning off the television and staying away from the movies for a month and see what new things you see when you come back. I fear many of us have become numb to the poison we are drinking. When it comes to sexual immorality, sin looks normal, righteousness looks very strange, and we look a lot like everybody else.
FIT FOR A KING
This is another area of sanctification where it pays to know our true identity in Christ. The contrast in Ephesians 5:3–12 is clear. The “sons of disobedience” and children of “darkness” meditate on and engage in sexual immorality. They walk in impurity because they are impure. By nature, children of darkness do shameful things in the dark. But as Christians, we are children of light. We belong to the kingdom of Christ and God. We are saints, holy ones declared holy in Christ, becoming holy by his Spirit. Sexual immorality isn’t just wrong for us. It’s not fitting. It’s improper. At one time we may have been darkness, but now we are light in the Lord (v. 8). So why would we walk back into the shadows of sensuality, perversion, and senseless porneia? It’s just not who we are.
I know it’s easy to be overly dogmatic when talking about matters the Bible doesn’t directly address, like movies and music, or dating and dress. We have to allow that good Christians will make different choices for themselves. I don’t want to minimize the reality of Christian liberty and the role of the conscience. But if you are in Christ, please consider whether your conscience is functioning as well as it ought. The world is no friend to us in our fight for sexual purity. We daily inhale sexual air, are bombarded with sexual images, and are made to believe sexuality defines who we are. Sex sells, and even Christians who “wait” until marriage and confess their struggles to accountability partners are adept at buying the world’s sexual wares through the Internet, at the ticket counter, in the mall, and by a thousand other means. Sexual immorality is everywhere to see, and too few of us with the mind of Christ are bothering to close our eyes.
A PASTORAL POSTSCRIPT
This chapter has been heavy on exhortation and light on comfort. That’s intentional. I believe we are far too comfortable with sensuality and sexual sin. Many Christians need a wake-up call.
But I’ve also been a pastor long enough to know that some brothers and sisters reading this chapter already feel terrible about their sexual sin. They hate the pornography they love. They loathe the masturbation they can’t escape. They regret all the things they’ve done and seen over the years. When it comes to sex, some Christians feel immediately dirty, rotten, and hopeless. If my words wound, it is only because my greater desire is to heal. No matter how entrenched the patterns of sin, I tell you on the authority of God’s Word: your situation is not hopeless. With the gospel there is hope of cleansing. With the Spirit there is hope of power. With Christ there is hope of transformation. With the Word of God there is hope of holiness.
If you have died with Christ, will you not also be raised with Christ (Rom. 6:4–8)? If you have been crucified with Christ, is it not the person of Christ—with all his purifying power—who lives in you (Gal. 2:20)? And if God did not spare his own Son but gave him up for you, how will he not also with him graciously give you all things (Rom. 8:32)? God can forgive (again). God can empower (more). And God can change you, even if it’s slowly, haltingly, and painfully from one itty-bitty degree of glory to the next.
James R. Edwards, The Gospel according to Mark (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2002), 213.
Walter Bauer et al., Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature, 3rd ed. (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2000).
Gerald Hiestand and Jay S. Thomas, Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012).
Ibid, 41.
Peter T. O’Brien, The Letter to the Ephesians (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1999), 360.
Ibid., 361.
Ibid., 360. O’Brien is quoting A.T. Lincoln here.
