Chapter 15
MOTHERS AND SONS OF THE BIG BANG THEORY
Let’s face it, Mrs. Koothrappali, Mary Cooper, Mrs. Wolowitz, and Beverly Hofstadter have made their sons “mama’s boys”—men who are essentially controlled or unhealthily influenced by their mothers. Consequently, the men of The Big Bang Theory linger near the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, shrinking away from personal growth and fulfillment. They are clueless about true masculinity, which, according to author and physician Leonard Sax, calls for men to use their strength in the service of others.1 This all makes for good comedy, and it also provides us with the opportunity to explore the psychological and philosophical implications of imbalanced and unreflective relationships between mothers and sons.
Raj: The “Selective Mutism” Mutant
Raj’s parents are traditional, yet worldly. Living in India, they judge and meddle in Raj’s life through the webcam lens of their computer. They are concerned about his limited earning potential as an academic and wait impatiently for grandchildren (so, he should not wear the “tighty-whiteys!”). Not bothering to conceal their disappointment in Raj for not being married, they arrange a blind date for him with Lalita Gupta, unaware that he is unable to speak to women (outside of his family) without the help of alcohol (or other meds). Poor Raj is prone to social anxiety and suffers from a “nervous bladder.” I wonder why?
Raj simply can’t assert himself authoritatively. His sister Priya rekindles her relationship with Leonard in “The Cohabitation Formulation,” and Raj “forbids” it. When Leonard goes directly to Raj’s apartment to see Priya, Raj does his best to uphold the traditional Hindu Code of Manu, declaring (insofar as he declares anything), “It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch!” They, of course, ignore Raj, who tries again: “All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open!” The door slams. Raj keeps up appearances: “All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation!” From the couch, he dials his phone and says, “Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me.” Perturbed, he again dials his phone and says, “Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.”
Raj’s weak will is reflected in his propensity for addiction—to gaming and to Internet pornography—and his need for alcohol in order to talk to women. His selective mutism, which Beverly Hofstadter says in “The Maternal Capacitance” may “stem from a pathological fear of women,” restricts him from growing as a man. Because Raj presumably suffered its symptoms in India, his parents’ ignorance of his selective mutism reflects negligence on their part. Indeed, aside from scholarly accomplishments, they have not helped him develop confidence as an adult.
Raj seems to suffer his parents’ judgmental meddling in the karmic hope of being “reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings.” Yet perhaps he should first work on being able to talk to women.
Sheldon: Roots in Fundamental(ist) Particles
Mary Cooper is obviously concerned about Sheldon’s welfare. In “The Luminous Fish Effect,” she declares, “I love the boy to death,” yet she goes on to admit, “but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the Kmart.” She seems to keep tabs on Sheldon, as vividly demonstrated by her premature phone call in “The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation” and Sheldon’s response: “Oh, hi, Mom. No, I told you I’d call you when I got home, I’m not home yet. (Walks through door.) Alright, I’m home.” When she swiftly reminds Sheldon of her concern that he return home safely from the North Pole, he reports, “No, mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I’m home safe is not proof that it worked, that logic is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc.” He pauses, slightly exasperated. “No, I’m not sassing you in Eskimo talk.”
That Mary Cooper deftly manages Sheldon’s idiosyncrasies is evidence that he was deeply cherished as a child. When he was sick, she sang “Soft Kitty” to him and applied VapoRub (counterclockwise) on his chest. By way of an improvisation session with Penny, we learn that “Shelly-bean” grew up with a lot of affection and that he loves his “mommy” and looks to her for security and comfort, even as a grown man.
For her part, Mary is grateful that Leonard called her in “The Luminous Fish Effect,” alerting her to “Shelly’s” latest meltdown. After arriving in California, she is kind to Sheldon—making him his favorite dinner—but also tough, admonishing him to get with it so that he can get his job back. Mary subsequently works her magic on Dr. Gablehauser, sealing the deal (and it remains to be seen whether he will become Sheldon’s “new daddy”). The fact that she is able to so quickly repair Sheldon’s “nonrelationship” with Amy is testament to how much she loves—and knows—her adult son.
Still, Mary Cooper’s relationship difficulties with her husband might have negatively affected Sheldon’s upbringing. The parental arguments that he overheard seem to have resulted in trauma, such that even as an adult, Sheldon is deeply uncomfortable witnessing arguments. In “The Guitarist Amplification,” for example, we see his extreme discomfort when Penny and Leonard argue, then Howard and Raj, then Raj and his parents, and then Howard and his mother. Sheldon is so sensitive to such arguments that he removes himself from the situation as a frightened child would. Ultimately, Penny and Leonard find him sitting on the floor at Stuart’s comic book store, hiding from the source of his discomfort. Poor Sheldon comes home only after Penny and Leonard buy him comics and a toy.
Another source of tension between Sheldon and Mrs. Cooper is her Christian fundamentalist beliefs. Mary always kept the Bible near—including when Sheldon wouldn’t eat his brussels sprouts as a child. She sees everything through a religious lens, including Sheldon’s intellectual gifts. In “The Luminous Fish Effect,” she shares with the gang, “[Sheldon] gets his temper from his daddy. He’s got my eyes. All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.” After Sheldon’s blow-up with Dr. Gablehauser, Mary visits Sheldon in his room and asks what he’s been up to. Sheldon reports that he’s been working on what silicon-based DNA would be like. Without skipping a beat, Mary adds, “But if it were created by an intelligent designer, right!”
Sheldon has another breakdown when he discovers the gang falsified his magnetic monopole data in “The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation.” His friends have betrayed him, but his mother hasn’t, so he travels back to Texas. After making him grilled cheese (complete with a smiley face carved in the bread), Mary requires that they say grace before eating. Sheldon protests, but Mary persists, declaring, “This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all . . .” “Fed,” Sheldon mutters. Eyes closed, Mary continues, “Give us, Lord, our daily . . .” “Bread,” Sheldon adds. The Coopers are grateful for every cup and every plateful. Mrs. Cooper concludes, “Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Sheldon retorts, “My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.” When Leonard, Raj, and Howard finally arrive to apologize and take Sheldon back to California, Dr. Cooper obstinately reports, “No, I shall stay here and teach evolution to creationists.” Mary reminds her son that everyone has their opinion. Sheldon protests, “But evolution is not opinion, it’s a fact!” “And that is your opinion!” Mrs. Cooper quickly interjects. Sheldon thus boards the next flight with his friends.
Oblivious to Howard’s accomplishments as a successful engineer with a master’s from MIT, Mrs. Wolowitz treats her son like a thirty-year-old boy, cooking him dinner every night, doing his laundry, and taking him to the dentist (sometimes going for ice cream afterward.) By treating Howard like a child, Mrs. Wolowitz has made him overly dependent on her, instilling “learned helplessness” in him. Howard may try to convince himself and others that his mother doesn’t live with him, but Beverly Hofstadter’s assessment from “The Maternal Capacitance” rings true: he perpetuates the “sociological cliché” of “a Jewish male living with his mother.” Whereas Mary Cooper calls Sheldon on occasion, Howard’s mother calls him every day at work to see whether he’s had a healthy bowel movement—even though they share a bathroom.
The Wolowitzes have a codependent relationship that Howard can no longer easily escape. In “The Cohabitation Formulation,” after making love to Bernadette, Howard announces that he should get going home. When Bernadette suggests he stay the night, Howard is skeptical, saying, “Well, I’d love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.” Annoyed, Bernadette responds, “Please, I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.” Howard presses, “It’s not just the wig. It’s pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It’s a two-person job.” Ultimately, he “compromises” and agrees to stay another five or ten minutes.
Howard really has no idea how to balance his relationships with his mother and Bernadette. How Bernadette puts up with Howard at all is one of the show’s great mysteries. Returning to “The Cohabitation Formulation,” he announces to Bernadette,
Listen, my mom’s going to Palm Springs to visit her sister. That’s two whole nights in a row I can sleep over with you all the way to morning. Unless the desert air dries out her sinuses, in which case I’ll have to schlep out there with the big humidifier.
Flabbergasted, Bernadette replies, “That’s it? That’s your big solution to all of our problems? If your mom’s nose holds up, we get two nights together?” Bernadette finally makes him choose between her and his mother. He hesitates. She leaves. When he (impulsively) reconsiders and they move in together, Howard perfunctorily believes that Bernadette will simply assume the role of his mother, which includes taking him to the dentist. Bernadette throws him out, and Howard schleps home, explaining to his mother that he’s not a sex criminal.
One expects a thirty-year-old, gainfully employed man to at least have his own place. There are rumblings of this at “Casa Wolowitz,” but they seem to be veiled threats more than anything else—the proverbial (but unspoken): You don’t know how good you’ve got it! Howard should be forging his own path, becoming independent of his mother by finding ways to define himself as a man. Yet instead of encouraging Howard to grow, helping him mature as an individual, Mrs. Wolowitz has encouraged Howard to remain an overgrown child. Even his delusion that he is a ladies’ man and his “disgusting” (according to Penny) antics toward women reveal that he has yet to mature.
By the end of season 4, Howard and Bernadette have worked through some of his problems and gotten engaged, but we are left wondering what will happen when Bernadette becomes the breadwinner with the Ph.D. Will Howard become an assertive man, realizing his potential while continually seeking personal growth, or will his mother simply be replaced by Bernadette, whose angry voice now eerily echoes Mrs. Wolowitz’s? Whatever the case, Mrs. Wolowitz has failed her son in her inability to see him as a man, to acknowledge his accomplishments, and to encourage his growth toward self-actualization.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter provides a stark contrast with the other three mothers of The Big Bang Theory. She is a successful academic, an accomplished psychiatrist and neuroscientist. Cold and distant, Beverly is extremely frank and has difficulty appreciating or conveying any sort of emotion, including pride in her children’s accomplishments. When she informs Leonard’s friends in “The Maternal Capacitance” that her son Michael is a tenured law professor at Harvard and her daughter has grown a pancreas in a gibbon, Howard aptly comments, “You must be very proud.” Yet she abruptly replies, “Why? They’re not my accomplishments.” She reacts similarly in “The Maternal Congruence” regarding Michael’s upcoming nuptials. Beverly admits that her son’s fiancée is “a remarkable girl”: the youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medalist. When Leonard notes, “You must be very happy,” she dryly responds, “Why? I’m not marrying her.” When glimmers of emotion do surface, she tends to explain them away. When Penny asks about her recent divorce in “The Maternal Congruence,” she shares, “I did feel something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that’s the natural reaction of the limbic system by being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.”
Beverly Hofstadter likes to perform lab experiments and is quick to do brain scans on those she meets. In fact, research seemingly consumes her. Leonard suffered the brunt of his mother’s textbook approach to life, being raised more like a test subject than a son. For example, when Leonard was potty training, Beverly hooked electrodes to Leonard’s head to measure his brain waves. Instead of exchanging Christmas presents, his family exchanged research presentations. As Leonard grew older, Beverly started to treat Leonard as if he were something of a colleague. For example, when, as an adolescent, Leonard attempted a science experiment to determine the positive effects of classical music on plant growth, Beverly disparaged him. His experiment was too derivative on his brother’s earlier experiment charting the negative effects of rock music on plant growth. Echoing that experience, Beverly chides an adult Leonard for not doing original research, saying that if she wanted to know what the Italians had accomplished, she could just read their paper.
To say that Leonard’s upbringing lacks maternal warmth is an understatement. When Beverly visits in “The Maternal Capacitance,” Leonard asks what’s new. Beverly matter-of-factly tells Leonard that his favorite uncle died. Looking back, Leonard shares, “The only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.” Leonard subsequently confides in Penny that he’d once built a “hugging machine.” He found a manikin, wrapped it in an electric blanket, and fashioned it with two mechanical arms, all in the hope of providing himself with simulated warmth. The truly sad and funny thing was that his dad borrowed it. Leonard’s invention is reminiscent of a famous psychology experiment in which young monkeys preferred a cloth-wrapped wireframe mother to a sterile and bare wireframe mother. Some semblance of warmth and comfort is better than none, and Leonard (as well as his father) would agree.
Aside from giving birth to children, Beverly has no other maternal inclination. She remains emotionally detached from the world and from her children. Leonard, as a product of an affectionless childhood, remains socially underdeveloped, especially toward women. He is often manipulated by the women in his life, from Joyce Kim (the North Korean Spy) to Leslie Winkle to Dr. Stephanie Barnett to Mrs. Latham (the wealthy donor) to Penny and Priya. As a result of his mother’s overly critical and analytical approach, he is often fearful of expressing his opinion, especially if he disagrees with what others say. He seeks affirmation but can find it only in the praise he receives from his experimental physics work.
Aristotle, Justice, and Special Obligations
Plato (428–348 BCE) and Aristotle (384–322 BCE) tended to see injustice as a kind of inequality that occurred when someone didn’t receive what he or she deserved, given that person’s social role or station. In this account, a son (or a daughter) is owed certain treatment from a parent exactly because he (or she) is that person’s child, and an adult son (or daughter) is owed treatment distinct from that due him/her as a child. Clearly, the mothers of The Big Bang Theory have failed in treating their sons properly. Raj, Sheldon, Howard, and Leonard have thus been treated unjustly.
Aristotle held that the wrongs against those close to us are worse than wrongs against strangers. He said that our moral obligations, at least in part, are shaped by our personal relationships:
The duties of parents to children and those of brothers to each other are not the same nor those of comrades and those of fellow-citizens, and so, too, with other kinds of friendship . . . and the injustice increases by being exhibited toward those who are friends in a fuller sense; e.g., it is a more terrible thing to defraud a comrade than a fellow-citizen, more terrible not to help a brother than a stranger, and more terrible to wound a father than anyone else.2
Consequently, the wounds suffered at the hands of one’s parents are “more terrible” than similar wounds inflicted by strangers. On this score, the harm Sheldon suffers at the hands of Todd Zarnecki is less significant than, say, the harm Leonard suffered as a result of Beverly’s maternal neglect.
Some contemporary philosophers press Aristotle’s point to argue that our obligations and the severity of breaking them are completely defined by the closeness of our personal relationships.3 This view becomes problematic, however, given the common-sense intuition that we have at least minimal moral obligations to complete strangers. Zarnecki does something wrong in liberating Sheldon from his World of Warcraft (virtual) belongings. Even so, this doesn’t negate the other common-sense intuition that the wrongs a parent does to his or her child are somehow “more terrible” than they otherwise might be.
Even if our moral obligations are not completely defined by the closeness of our relationships, parents nevertheless do seem to have special obligations to their children. A parent is obligated to care for his or her child in ways that other adults are not. When Sheldon has one of his meltdowns, we wouldn’t fault Mrs. Koothrappali for not making the trip from India to attend to him. She’s not his mother, after all. If a parent’s moral obligations in caring for his or her child include taking steps to ensure that the child matures in healthy ways, then clearly the mothers of The Big Bang Theory may be (to some degree) morally blameworthy for their respective sons’ social and psychological shortcomings.
Cognitive Dissonance and Psychological Courage
Assuming that something has gone morally astray between The Big Bang Theory mothers and their sons, how did it occur and what, if anything, might be done about it now? Any definitive analysis would require carefully exploring family histories. Short of that, and given only what we know of the characters through season 4, it seems that “cognitive dissonance” is partly to blame, calling for “psychological courage” on part of the mothers and their respective sons.
According to cognitive dissonance theory, there are occasions when we feel the tension of two clashing beliefs or mental cognitions that thereby call for resolution. The negative effects of cognitive dissonance are felt when a person is emotionally invested in a belief, but new evidence arises that creates conflict with it. It’s easy to imagine how each of The Big Bang Theory mothers might have experienced this. It must have been difficult for Mrs. Koothrappali to realize that her son’s best professional interests are served by working at a research university in America. How will she impress on him her traditional values? Likewise, Mary Cooper is clearly invested in her Christian fundamentalist worldview. What should she do once she realizes that her genius son may one day win a Nobel Prize in science? What if Sheldon’s studies clash with the faith-based beliefs she’s impressed on him? After Mr. Wolowitz departed, Mrs. Wolowitz became very invested in her son’s well-being. It’s easy to see how she wouldn’t want any harm to come to him. Yet he is slowly becoming an adult, the new (or next) Mr. Wolowitz. Beverly is most comfortable in the laboratory and prizes a scientific and analytical approach to the world. Yet she has children at home who require her care.
How should a parent deal with cognitive dissonance regarding his or her children? According to contemporary philosopher Daniel Putman, the quick answer is: honestly.4 The parent should not ignore the evidence, hide behind some social role, or implement some sort of ad hoc additional belief to deflect the tension. This kind of honesty requires “psychological courage,” though.
Aristotle advised that courage should become part of our overall character so that we can properly address threatening situations that involve physical harm or moral integrity. Yet psychological courage is unique, in that the fear we must face properly concerns the loss of psychological stability; in some ways, one’s psyche itself is threatened. As Putman explains, “This is the courage it takes to face our irrational fears and anxieties, those emotions that hold us in bondage. These can range from habits and compulsions to phobias.”5
Accordingly, a lack of honesty, falling prey to self-deception, can result in a lack of personal autonomy, but practicing psychological courage can ensure that each of us is the owner of his or her own life. Mary Cooper might attempt discussions about the rationality of religious belief—including, perhaps, reasons behind the “Big Bang”—rather than reverting to her methods of indoctrination. Mrs. Wolowitz must be honest with herself that Howard is not “her little boy” anymore. In fact, he is about (it seems) to get married. Being honest with herself about her son’s new role will (potentially) allow her new and exciting ways to care for him and his family. Beverly should stop hiding behind her professional role and realize that expressing emotion (while sober) will not make her any less of an academic. It will not hamper her abilities to impartially process data, and doing so can only aid Leonard’s emotional stability.
Of course, the benefits of psychological courage also apply to The Big Bang Theory sons. Consider Sheldon’s propensity to delve into the world of comic books when those around him bicker and fight. This avoidance defense mechanism was put into place long ago, due to the dissonance he experienced about his parents’ constant arguments. Mom and Dad seem to love one another, but why do they fight all of the time? Furthermore, perhaps he could work harder to find ways to enter into give-and-take discussions with his mother about religious belief. Jesus will still love him, if Mary is right. Raj should seek counseling for his selective mutism and come clean to his parents about his communication difficulties with attractive women (or even effeminate men). Howard can no longer hide behind the role of son any longer. He must begin to act more like man. Of course, he is comforted by his mother buying him popsicles and making him mouth-watering brisket, but he is about to become a husband and, potentially, a parent himself. He may soon begin to buy popsicles for the next Mr. Wolowitz—his son! (Yikes!).
Despite the fact that he received the least amount of motherly attention and concern, Leonard has come the furthest in terms of practicing psychological courage. Recall in “The Maternal Congruence” his candid questions of Beverly, “How come you didn’t tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce? How come you didn’t tell me you had surgery? How come you didn’t tell me my dog died?” Despite his fear of facing rejection—again—he confronts Beverly in the hope of a more intimate mother-son relationship. Beverly begins to reciprocate by giving him an uncomfortable hug but then states, “There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.” Leonard dutifully does as she asks, but Sheldon enters the scene shortly afterward to ask, “Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?”
The courage Leonard expresses can only benefit his future relationship with his mother. Leonard’s courage has helped him in the past when he successfully wooed Penny (at least for a while—despite Sheldon’s “haughty derision”). Remarkably, he maintains a healthy sense of humor, gets annoyed at Sheldon but doesn’t hold grudges, and is still empathetic. If Leonard continues to deal honestly with his relationships issues, perhaps his friends will follow his lead. Let’s face it, he’s pretty much their only hope.
NOTES
1. Leonard Sax, Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men (New York: Basic Books, 2009), 181.
2. Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, trans. W. D. Ross (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1925), 1160a1–1160a6.
3. See, for example, Nel Noddings, Caring: A Feminine Approach to Ethics and Moral Education (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1984).
4. See Daniel Putman, Psychological Courage (Lanham, MD: University Press of America, 2004).
5. Ibid., 2.