IT’S THE NEXT MORNING AND PERSON’S hand is stroking my head. Part-ear-neck.
I’m awake. Her hand woke me up. But I don’t open my eyes right away so that she’ll think I’m still sleeping and keep stroking me and for as long as her hand is on my head so soft and I’m in that strange space between asleep and awake I can think that she’s still my person, my only person, all mine, forever.
I can pretend that there was no way I was ever going to get left in Maryland far away from her and with someone who loved Julian but couldn’t handle me.
I can pretend not to worry that she wishes we still lived there so that she could focus on this new, real, almost born-baby.
She whispers, “Good morning, my sleepyhead.”
I open my eyes. I open my mouth to say “good morning.” But nothing comes out.
My words are still stuck.
I haven’t even been able to remind Person that we got another point at Marta’s house. The television point. Maybe Julian and I came out of the television and the way I stared at it the whole time I was at Marta’s was me trying to climb back in.
But I don’t care so much about points anymore.
The past two days were hard. I want to tell her that they were the hardest days of my life. Except that I used to live with that woman, Marta. I used to call her Mom. So they couldn’t be the hardest days. Only the hardest days I remember.
And I can’t tell Person that anyway because I have no words.
“You’re so brave,” she says.
I shrug. I think she’s mostly wishing I was brave, which is another thing I can’t do for her. How can I be brave if my words are too afraid to leave my lungs?
“I wish we could do this differently,” Person says. “I wish we could go more slowly. I wish we could go home for a few days or months before we take this next step into your past.” Person pats her tummy. “But we’re up against a deadline here. And I found your foster mothers from before Marta. Do you want to keep going? Do you want to learn more? They sound incredibly nice, but we can stop anytime.”
Person kisses me on the top of the head.
I can’t answer any of her questions. I can tell she wants me to say stop. She wants me to ask her to take us home. But I can’t yet. I have to know more. I have to find the white house. So I sit up in bed and think about what I’ll wear for this one, for this other home, this next place.
I hope it’s the white house even though both of our first memories are sad. Then we’ll find out where we come from, and then we’ll be all done.
Julian comes out of the bathroom. Person pats my head one more time and goes in to shower.
Julian comes to the foot of the bed and looks at me.
“Person wants to stop,” I say. My words come unstuck, but only for Julian, I think.
“Person?” he says.
I feel my face get hot. “Mom wants us to stop.”
“Because it’s hard,” he says. “I don’t want to stop, do you?” He looks worried. He looks worried about whatever answer I give.
“I don’t think so,” I say.
The cell phone rings and Julian pastes on that lying smile before answering.
Person said to get ready but she also keeps saying we’re on vacation and we can have little luxuries, so I rest my head back on the pillow and listen to Julian’s half of the conversation.
“Hi, Dad! . . . Yeah, the beach is so fun! . . . I wish you were too . . . I don’t know, some other house . . . no, I’m happy we found it! That was the end of the files. Mom is so happy . . . I want to see them all . . .”
I glare at him. I don’t understand how he lies like that.
“She’s not really talking today . . . OK . . . OK,” he says.
Then he hits the phone so it’s on speaker and hands it to me.
“Just wanted to say good morning and I love you,” Dad’s voice comes, tinny, through the phone. “I wish Elena and I could be with you today,” he says.
I hand the phone back to Julian to say good-bye, feeling guilty. They could be here. The only reason they aren’t is because I punched her.
Julian hangs up. I make a face at him.
“I don’t know why you think pretending happy is so much worse than just not talking,” he says.
I want to say, I can’t help it.
I want to say, I can’t lie if I’m not talking.
Julian doesn’t even wait for me to respond because he knows I won’t.
Person comes out of the bathroom.
Julian says, “Good morning, Mom! Guess what? Dad just called! Where are we going today?”
And I hate him. I’m so mad at him.
I’m sure I’ve never been this mad at him in the state of Maryland.
Turns out Julian and I are coming apart anyway. Just like Marta wanted.
The three of us are in the car on the way to the next ex-home when Person’s phone buzzes again.
She presses something on the dashboard and calls out “Hey, honey! We’re all in the car together this morning.”
Dad’s voice spills in between the seats. “Hi, everybody!” he says. “Hey, Flora?”
My eyebrows jump.
“She’s nodding,” Julian says. “She’s still not talking yet.”
He’s said this a million times to a million people in the years and years we’ve been Onlys. This is the first time he sounded annoyed.
“OK,” Dad says. “Well, hey, Flora. I have some good news. Maybe this will help. Guess what came in the mail?”
Person pulls the car over. It’s sudden and jerky and my head whips back and forth before we’re stopped on the shoulder.
“Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh,” she’s saying over and over again.
My heart is sinking. It can’t be true. If it is, I can’t hear it today.
Dad singsongs, “Guess who’s going to the fifth grade?”
Immediately there are tears in my eyes.
Julian is squinting at me like he wants to smile but he’s too mad at me to be proud of me. Person is weeping in the front seat and also saying over and over again, “I’m so happy. I’m so proud of you, Florey. I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy.”
I’m finally making her happy but it feels so weird. Why did I have to lose Ms. K in order to make my person happy?
Dad is saying, “I so wish I could hug you, Flora. You worked so hard. You’ve come so far.”
It’s like no one notices that my words are still stuck and actually I’m right back where I came from.
I can’t lose Ms. K today. Today when I don’t even have Julian.
Person turns around with the happy tears dancing in her eyes.
“Still no words?” she says.
I shrug.
“Well,” she says. “I couldn’t be any prouder of you.”
I don’t know what else to do. I have to make her happy. I have to.
Julian nudges me.
I smile.
I smile even though I’m sad and confused.
I’m as bad as Julian after all.